Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I cheated

(38 Posts)
SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 08:30:48

I was with exDp for 4 years, 1 ds. He was EA throughout our relationship and treated me very badly. I left and he was happy about that. I started a new relationship a few months later with a lovely man, treats me brilliantly and I love him. But I had sex with my ex. He'd been trying to get me back for a few weeks and I caved. I have no idea why I done this, I immediately regretted it. It's not an excuse but I was drunk, he wasn't. Now exDp is threatening to tell new bf. New bf would def end things and I would be completely gutted. I really don't want to tell him. What do I do? I know I've been a complete bitch.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 18:16:13

You are already feeling horrible because of the betrayal and you also have ex's threat to tell hanging over you. At least by telling you can free yourself from your ex's hold on you.

Tell your bf and take it from there.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 18:00:54

I won't put pressure on him. I know that I was wrong and I wouldn't expect him to stay.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 16:19:19

Jag likes to shit stir, best ignored

OP, you may have to let your current bf go. Be kind about it and don't put pressure on him to stay with you.

Like Voice said, let this be your warning to make sure it is properly dead and buried with your ex before you get involved with someone else.

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 15:11:56

Whether your ex will tell or not is irrelevant. You should confess as it is the right thing to do.

Capitaltrixie Mon 16-Sep-13 14:59:37

Jag have you been in an EA relationship?! abusers are uncannily good at knowing which buttons to press.

soopa put it behind you and (importantly) learn from it. I do think it's a good idea to tell your new P, not only for him (as he deserves the truth) but ,as voice said, it'll help you heal and move on. Doesn't sound like you do want to get back with him tbh.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 14:39:52

I don't want back with him.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 14:39:06

He isn't on my Facebook anymore. I think he just turned up on the off chance I would be back, I wasn't in contact with him when I was out. He wouldn't have cared if my bf was here or not, he likes to make a scene iykwim.

I did get upset but before that I was shouting at him detailing the things that he put me through. He really was awful when we were together. He apologised, I cried and fell for it. Then I had sex with him and instantly realised what the fuck I was doing and tried to stop it.

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 14:18:52

Jag, do go and do something constructive, there's a dear.

ownbrand Mon 16-Sep-13 14:14:44

Op do you want to get back with your ex?

You still sound very involved with him , involved enough that hes still on your facebook, and involved enough that when he came round you got upset and started crying to him.

While he might be your freind on facebook and could see you had gone out , how did he now what time you would be home , or that your freind or boyfreind wouldnt be there with you ? Had you been talking with him while you were out ?

Jagdkuh Mon 16-Sep-13 14:12:03

madlizzy

I don't think you have been a fucking cow, actually. I think that you were coerced and controlled into sleeping with him and he got you when you were vulnerable.

wow, you really typed that? I think you need a reality check, love.

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 13:50:48

I don't think you have been a fucking cow, actually. I think that you were coerced and controlled into sleeping with him and he got you when you were vulnerable. He knew exactly what he was doing, and that was done to regain control over you. I think you are still being emotionally abused by him.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 13:34:46

voice I'm going to have to tell my bf. I will be gutted, and so will he, but it has to be done. I can't take thinking that ex will tell.

I don't know if bf would believe ex, he knows what he was like with me. He doesn't have any proof, it would be his word against mine.

I know that I have been a fucking cow.

I actually think that the healing process from the EA ex needs to start with the OP being honest with her DP and, if necessary, accepting she blew it with him and taking time out to work on herself. From what the OP has said, I think the guilt she feels will only get worse the longer this goes on (not to mention the worry that the ex may spill the beans) and that will continue the control and vulnerability.

ALittleStranger Mon 16-Sep-13 13:29:55

I think it would be a very bad idea for the OP to try and lie and bluff her way out if her ex does tell her new DP.

OP the problem is you've given your abusive ex a heck load of power over you at the moment. You need to remove that, even though it will involve something unpleasant.

practicality Mon 16-Sep-13 13:23:01

Would your new man believe your ex? Does the ex have any evidence?

Capitaltrixie Mon 16-Sep-13 13:17:24

What Dahlen said. You won't get anywhere by beating yourself up (and I do feel for you having been in a EA relationship myself...zero boundaries and low self-worth, damn I made some crap choices!) but it's now time to free yourself from the 'abusive hold' your ex has over you and get your self-esteem where it should be.
And also time do the right thing by your new lovely P.

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 13:12:25

FantasticDay - she has made it worse by not telling him so has been living a lie for the last few months.

OP if you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do then show him some respect and tell him. You lost the right to decide if this relationship should continue when you fucked your ex.

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 13:11:29

You're still being controlled and coerced by your ex and he still thinks he has a lot of power over you, which you now need to take back. I agree that you do need to tell your new man what happened at the beginning of the relationship, and also tell him that your ex will do his utmost to sabotage it. You need to block your ex from facebook, twitter or wherever else you may be linked to him and keep contact between the two of you via email only and all conversations are to do with your child only. I also agree that you could do with some counselling to help you heal from the abusive relationship you have with your ex. I wish you well.

Ezio Mon 16-Sep-13 13:07:30

I think should explain it all too your DP and let him make the choice, he might understand and be willing to work through, but you have to give him that choice.

ModeratelyObvious Mon 16-Sep-13 13:03:25

OP, please block your ex on Facebook.

FantasticDay Mon 16-Sep-13 13:02:30

I think people are giving you a hard time here. We've all done things we aren't very proud of - and it wasn't like you went out drinking with him. He turned up when you were vulnerable and drunk! And after he's been EAing you for a number of years, that could be very vulnerable indeed. What you did was in no way as bad as your ex's attempt to blackmail you into sex! It does sound like your ex will tell your partner, so it might be as well to explain first. I hope he understands and it all works out for you.

Dahlen Mon 16-Sep-13 12:58:51

OP I think you need to take a long, hard look at your readiness to be in another relationship TBH.

If you were with your XP for 4 years and he was EA throughout most of that, your boundaries will have been shot to hell. Getting you to sleep with him after you broke up and when he knew you were in a relationship with someone else, is a natural extension of his control over you (abuse is always about power and control, not anger) and a definite attempt to reassert it, evidenced by the fact he used alcohol to weaken your already low defences and is now threatening to tell.

It's not surprising that you succumbed. It's very common for women in you situation. Don't beat yourself up about that. It just shows you are not free from his abuse yet.

However, regardless of your motives, you now have a DP who has been cheated on. From his POV, the motives are irrelevant because the the end result is the same. sad If you genuinely care for him, you have to tell him because he deserves to have the informed choice. Also, telling him removes your XP's power over you. If you are lucky, he may understand what happened, but equally he may not.

You are not a bad person. Most cheaters aren't. They are just people with poor impulse control, poor boundaries or little self awareness. Their behaviour can be very selfish, but it doesn't necessarily follow that they are thoroughly selfish people through and through. I don't think you are. I think you are a woman who ability to maintain her boundaries is damaged. You put up with abuse for a long time. sad

In your shoes, I would be tempted to have a period of being single, during which you could get some counselling or learn more about how abusive relationships work. You need to re-establish your inner core and ironically be a bit more selfish when it comes to being assertive and saying "no" when someone puts you in an uncomfortable position. You can do that with a new partner - assuming he's supportive - but it's much easier as a single person.

I hope you manage to do the right thing for all concerned.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 12:52:59

Soopa, I think you need to tell your new BF to take away the power your ex is holding over you

Then let him make the decision about whether to stay with someone who sleeps with her ex after a few drinks.

KnockMe - ssssh, she is a he, but don't tell anyone!

OP - so what are you going to do about all this?

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 12:43:24

I was out with friends and he turned up at mine after I got home. He knew I was out through Facebook (I know) this was in no way invited, he just appeared. I got a bit emotional and started to shout at him and tell him how much he had effected me. I was crying. Made him leave after and I felt sick to my stomach.

Last week I text him to tell him that he forgot to give me ds jacket back and he said he would drop it off after work (finished at 11pm) he did not come into my house but started throwing about demands that I should sleep with him 'one last time'. I told him no but he kept on persisting. Eventually he left and started texting me all sorts of abuse and telling me that I had 'missed my chance' with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now