Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Considering calling police, will I be wasting their time?

(116 Posts)
Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:28:31

I posted a cpl of weeks ago re my ex and nasty text messages, not really threatening just very verbally abusive.

I took advice and made new solicitors appointment rather than approach te police with a view to getting some sort of non molestation order against him.

My solicitor wasnt present when I went to appointment and has since failed to contact me to rearange(whole other thread, I hope to be able to get a new solicitor using existing legal aid claim, I've no idea if this is possible.

So last night ex texted me saying he "knew" I was seeing someone and basically asking where I was, where ds was etc.

I vocally respond saying none of your business, leave me alone. For the record I'm neither seeing someone and was at home in bed. As was ds

The texts started agin this afternoon basically saying I'm seeing someone who has a gf and kids, he hasn't named anyone but he has accused me of this before and I've not seen the person in question for years and not communicated with him in any way for over a year.

As it happens I wouldn't be interested in this person even if single.

So ex is obviously wound up, albeit unjustifiably.

Tonight he has driven past my house and texted to again ask where ds was as house was in darkness, ds was in bed and I was in back bedroom ironing.

Again I respond that he needs to leave me alone but do tell him that ds is at home in bed. He respond with "if you don't stop lying ill come round there and find out for myself".

This is the first time I've felt threatened and I do want to call the police I'm just scared that they will see this as a silly domestic which will waste their time.

In truth I genuinely believe ex has issues with some sort of personality disorder, he certainly has narc traits and I'm worried what will come next.

He has no reason at all to drive past my house(tucked away well back from main road, he has no friends nearby) and obviously he has no right to behave this way but is it criminal?

I've got to hand ds over at ten am tomorrow for contact and just know his behaviour will be icy and disrespectful at best so my mum is going to be around.

This is shit, I'm nothing but polite and calm towards him and I've dealt with this for over a year. Is rig police immediately if I knew they would understand. Just feel shit taking them away from crime and important duties

Leverette Sat 14-Sep-13 21:31:08

Yes call them. He's harassing you and causing you to feel fear of some kind of attack. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Keep all his messages.

Hawkmoth Sat 14-Sep-13 21:32:18

Phone 101 and explain. I'm not surprised you feel threatened.

PumpUpMyVolume Sat 14-Sep-13 21:32:40

I think you're wholly justified in contacting the non-emergency line which i think is 101. If you genuinely think that he might appear or in fact does, phone the emergency number immediately!

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:35

Yes, definitely call them. You really need this on record in case he escalates. You're NOT wasting their time.

BOF Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:56

Yes, call them.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:34:25

Forgot to add that he demanded I take a pic of ds and text it to him to prove he is with me. I assume because he thinks I'm out shagging about and leaving ds with babysitter- something I'd never do.

I honestly don't want to call them tonight, surely Saturdays will be really busy for them. Planned to call them tomorrow whilst ds wasn't here and have a chat with them

HotCrossPun Sat 14-Sep-13 21:34:45

Don't respond to any of his future text messages and keep all the ones he sends you.

And yes, definitely phone 101, most people would feel threatened in your situation.

Hope you get this resolved OP thanks

topicsactiveimon Sat 14-Sep-13 21:38:37

Call them now - it may be Saturday night but you're one of the people who need help!! You need this on record.

Don't respond to his texts anymore. I know you are trying to be polite but you are only encouraging him into more contact by responding.

And by the way, you are fully allowed to leave your DS with a babysitter and go out shagging! If you have arranged good childcare, you are allowed to go out now and then, you know. Your ex does not own you and you do not owe him any explanations about the whereabouts and care of your DS while he is with you.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:42:45

Hotcross- I've got every text he has ever sent thankfully and have been to police once already to log some similar incidents.

I think alcohol causes a huge problem. He binge drinks to excess on a weekend and I think the "comedown" causes horrendous moods and thoughts.

He is also very hit and miss with contact and maintenance. Often missing or cancelling contact then shouting about the rooftops about having no relationship with ds due to my controlling ways.

I've recently finished a course of counselling and deal with his behaviour in a much better way than I did.

We has been getting on well for a cpl of weeks cos he'd not drank last weekend and then boom back to normality.

I so worry about him rubbing off on ds. I really think he needs help, physcological help. Me going to police will anger him and I know he will be unreasonable re ds so I'm gonna have to sort solicitor out ASAP to coincide too

WithConfidence Sat 14-Sep-13 21:45:22

OP, how horrible for you. The police can put your phone number on an alert so that if you call 999 and even if you don't speak they will get there asap. It gives you a bit of peace of mind in case he did do anything. They gave me advice, like, calmly say you are hanging up, closing the door if he is hassling you, if he keeps trying to get in, say you are going to call the police. That makes you feel like they take it seriously and want you to feel safe.

Like other have said it's important to gather evidence by telling the police. Keep the texts and keep a diary of what he has been doing.

Either he trusts you to look after ds or he doesn't. It's not actually bad parenting to be seeing someone and get a babysitter. You shouldn't have to prove where ds is.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:48:44

Thank you. He knows I'm a good mum with

He is only asking where ds is cos he assumes I'm with the person he insists I'm having an affair with.

I've woken ds up dropping the ironing board so we are now on sofa watching over the hedge. I think I am gonna ring wen ds falls asleep again.

Just got this text "Stop been akward n lying then I won't need to txt u! The lad who uve been messing about with, can't wait til his lass finds out which will be very soon now that I know, and she smashes your face in! Hope it's worth it, night :-)"

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:51:12

They definitely WON'T see it as a waste of time, he has threatened you, you feel afraid, you are alone in the house with a child.

Call 101 to put your mind at rest - that way you aren't taking any resources away from the emergency line but the call handlers will decide if it needs dealing with tonight or not. Trust them - they are trained! My money would be on that they do decide it's important!

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:13

He is threatening you. Please report it ASAP sad Hope DS goes to sleep soon for you.

Also don't engage with him. It's none of his business where you are or where DS is. Only text him to arrange contact, the rest avoid. If he carries on like this then he might find himself under a harrassment order anyway!

Good luck.

Havea0 Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:26

When you call 101, ask them about security and locks, that type of thing.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:55:54

Make sure you tell them you are worried about contact tomorrow too.

How old is DS? Is there any way you could say "My ex" instead of saying the d-a-d word or would he know? Could you slip into another room? I'm worried for you because he's already driven past and it seems like he's trying to stir something up with this other woman (I don't know if you know her, if she is a volatile person at all). Of course it could be all talk, but better to be safe I think.

Gruntfuttock Sat 14-Sep-13 21:56:00

Could he be drunk now? If so, he shouldn't be driving. Call the police and tell him that he's threatening you and you're scared.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 14-Sep-13 21:57:11

We had texts off Dh's ex that weren't as bad as that, they wrote them out and cautioned her for assault via text message.

The texts stopped then, she probably realised she was making a tit of herself. She was the one who left him too hmm

ilovexmastime Sat 14-Sep-13 21:58:48

YANBU, please follow everyone's advice. thanks

Bogeyface Sat 14-Sep-13 22:01:50

I think you do need to contact the police, not least because if he does take it into his head to tell the GF about your "affair" then it could cause problems for them too.

At least if he does that you can say that you have involved the police due to his threats and accusations. You dont want to be the OW in a non existant affair.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:04:02

Ds is only 2, we are having snuggles in my bed now.

He hasn't named the man I'm supposedly seeing but I've had texts before about him- I do know of his gf but not well.

There is absolutely no reason for him to suspect this either by the way. I know that doesn't make a difference but the thought of him telling her this when I've not even seen or spoken to him worries me. It could ruin a family

My poor boy being in the middle of this. It breaks my heart. We got out though and don't live with his daily verbal abuse or vomit being strewn around the house every weekend

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:00

And grunt I assume he did have a drink today as he was at football match I believe. So he's probably drink driving but not caught in act

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:53

Thank you all for replies by the way. I feel less alone now

Spider7 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:14:22

Your ex is stalking you. This is illegal. The police do take these things seriously. As already suggested, do stop replying & call 101 asap. Stress that you do feel very frightened & threatened by this man.

Meow75 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:25:38

Please call the Police. This man seems to think he has a claim on you in a way that is not legitimate in any way, shape or form.

He is driving past your house, probably under the influence, and making threats to tell lies about you to third parties who will then feel that they have an argument with you. I know you won't take any notice of this having read the thread but I really WOULDN'T wait until tomorrow. Call them now, because if he decides to get in his car again, next time he might stop the vehicle!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now