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Is it ever OK to tell DH I would fancy him more if he lost weight?(97 Posts)
I don't know. I've read so many threads on here where the OP's partner has made a comment about her weight and I know that if DH told me he'd fancy me more if I was thinner then I'd be really upset.
But, DH has put on over 6 stone in the 16 years we've been together. He does no exercise at all (drives DS to school when it's an 8-minute walk), smokes 15-20 a day and mainly eats junk food. He does shift work which has an irregular pattern (he's on nights this weekend) so I do see the difficulty in eating properly.
But the bare truth is that I don't fancy him as much as I used to. We don't have sex very often - partly because of his shift work so there often aren't many times when we're actually at home together, partly because once I am in bed I want to sleep and I always go to bed before him if we're both at home, but also because I don't get hugely turned on by him like I used to.
I've lost a fair bit of weight in the last 18 months (about 3 stone) but I did it for me and because I wanted to - he never made any comments at all other than I was looking great. I guess I was hoping that seeing me change my eating habits, do more exercise etc. might spur him on to do the same, but it hasn't.
Aside from the physical attraction I'm also really worried about his health. He is quite often (a couple of times a week at least) sick for no reason I can tell (ie. not food poisoning or too much to drink) and I'm sure it's got something to do with his weight and eating habits, but every time I mention it he tells me not to worry.
Do I need to just come out with it and tell him that I would fancy him more if he lost weight (and so we'd probably have more sex, which is an issue for us), or do I put a health spin on it (but I've tried that before) or do I just do nothing because I don't want to upset him? I really don't know what's best.
What's he eating on an evening then, if he doesn't fancy what you have or you both decide not to eat? The packet of biscuits?
If part of the problem is just being too knackered to cook in an evening, it might be worth just getting tubs of salads in to pick at. You can buy them if you can afford them or prep a few on your day off and add one dish at a time (tuna, potato, pasta salads, tubs of pickles and olives, cold meats as well as your normal green and veggie salad dishes). An alternative to this is using the same stuff in wraps or bagels. You could make a bit of a ritual of it - on the coffee table in front of the telly once the kids are asleep. I think part of the battle is making it simple, a bit of a treat and spending time and concentration on preparing the meal (rather than guzzling down a bar of chocolate before you realise what you've done).
Good to hear he's doing it by himself, OP! You must have telepathic communication
I still maintain that it's more important he sees the doctor about feeling ill much of the time - and NOT let the doctor blame his weight for everything. It's bad enough that fat people are demonised all over the place as things stand, unfortunately GPs are prone to this as well.
Wolfing a whole packet of biscuits is a sign of disordered eating It can, however, be prompted by a metabolic illness. Or simple hunger - a body that urgently needs calories isn't fussed about the nutritional value, it goes for easily-absorbed fat and sugar.
Which leads me wonder whether DH may not be eating ENOUGH. A 20-stone body, doing heavy physical work, needs a helluva lot of calories. I'd advise you to look up a proper chart for this, but off the top of my head it comes to about 4,000 calories. Consuming only 2,000 wouldn't make him thinner, it'd put him in starvation mode where his body's actually screaming for more energy (calories are energy.) It's worth noting, also, that being tired makes you want more energy in the form of food. Shift work taxes the body's capacity to rest adequately.
Take a look around The Fat Nutritionist's website; she debunks a lot of dangerous fallacies.
I don't have a weight problem but I a have absolutely no self control if I know there are 'goodies' about the house. I simply can't have crisps, biscuits or sweets in the house.
The kids were not deprived. I let them buy a small sweet or treat at the corner shop every day or other day but I didn't have sweet things at home.
Obviously, if your DH is buying the family packs of biscuits then that is a bit more tricky but if you do the shopping you might be able to help him by not have too many temptations about.
Sorry, that sounded a bit preachy and obvious.
garlicbaguette that is one of the most sensible posts ive ever read on here.
Sorry meant to say its one of the most sensible posts ive seen about weight on here.
Fwiw, I just came straight out and told DH that he was putting on weight. The reason was pretty obvious - longer working hours, a lot of foreign travel, little opportunity to exercise, etc. As a young guy, he was really fit and active but now he's about to hit 40, he doesn't miraculously stay slim, and he need to watch what he eats and not have a treat just because he's spending another evening alone in a hotel room abroad.
And DH agreed and started doing more exercise immediately, and even signed up for a charity fun run. Hopefully it will pay off before too long.
Don't leave the poor sod alone with a family sized trifle. I have to cover things like that in washing up liquid before I throw them in the bin.
Don't leave the poor sod alone with a family sized trifle
Thanks, Darkest I usually just run away from diet threads, it's like talking to a very irritable brick wall! This looks a bit more measured (bad choice of word, heh,) and maybe sleepy will take common sense on board. We can hope, eh?
Thanks again everybody for all your posts. I will indeed take common sense on board garlic and do as much as I can supportively to help him make some small changes. I am definitely going to push the GP visit though - I think if he really understands how much I am worrying about him he will go, although he'll not want to (when we've mentioned it in the past he's just said "It's obvious, they'll just say I need to stop smoking and lose weight") and I know that's not something you want to be told.
Will let you know if things start to change. Really do appreciate everybody's input.
Sleepy - do keep pushing the GP visit & emphasising how worried you are about his health. As I said up thread, my DH recently took control himself & lost 2.5 stone & that was the trigger.
I was actually pretty ruthless, to the point of emotional blackmail, but it was genuine fear on my part. I was in tears worrying about his health & how we would cope if anything happened to him - it really gave him the reality check he needed.
The men in his family have a history of heart disease, so I was not being over dramatic. I just stopped putting a brave face on it and was open about my very real fears.
Once he had decided to take control, it was just a matter of changes to his diet. He feels so much better,inside and out, I cannot emphasise enough how much it is worth it.
Well when he got back from work this morning I said to him that I wanted him to make a GP appointment, mainly because of the unexplained sickness. I told him that I'd been looking at possible reasons and that I felt he needed to talk to a professional. He said "Let me work on a change of diet before I do that and see if it makes a difference" so already things are happening
Does he have a clue about nutrition? I only ask because a Caesar salad, although it is called salad, isn't much better calories and fat wise than a burger or similar. And as garlic says bingeing like that on a whole trifle or packet of biscuits is disordered eating behaviour. So I'm wondering whether he might be a binge/starve type who doesn't really know how to fuel himself properly.
I suggest, if you get to the point with him, inputting his data to my fitness pal so you can see his target calories, fat, carb and protein intake and he can have something easy to u dear stand that will help him plan his food. He should have plenty of wiggle room for 'treats' but they should be planned and built in to the day.
I'd still try to get him to see the GP. My DH was always half-heartedly trying to lose weight, but not succeeding, until a routine blood test showed he had Type 2 diabetes. It was just the kick up the backside he needed (a blessing in disguise really), and now he's lost 3 stones and feels 10 times better.
If he does have some kind of health problem, surely it's much better to find out now, so he knows what kind of health/diet regime he should be on?
Could you get him to have a look at the low carb threads on here, I find that its much easier to feel full and satisfied on low carb diets.
If he likes Ceasar salad that would be perfect for him, he can probably get an all day breakfast somewhere at work (minus the beans/toast) and he can also have low cal jelly with cream to satisfy his trifle urges! Its well worth looking into (although probably not discussing it with his GP as it is still quite contraversial for some people, despite the success many have had with low carbing).
Personally, I wouldn't think low-carb suitable for this person. He's a big man, doing hard work, so his energy needs are astronomically higher than an average woman trying to be thin. The last thing you want is to be pushing him into ketosis - that will make him a heart-attack risk!
It might be healthier to combine the high-protein principle with low-GI carbs. This means, essentially, choosing the less processed starchy foods - skin-on potatoes, wholegrain bread, unrefined sugar, and so on. If he starts the day (and precedes work) with a nice big plate of meat & veg, then snacks on fruit, veg, and home-made flapjacks, he'll be keeping his metabolism ticking over and hopefully not be starving at the end of the day. If he still is starving - and if it's not caused by illness - the answer is to eat more 'real food' earlier on, and probably with more butter
Garlic baguette, your diet advice sounds brilliant to me!
Thank you One (the only) benefit of having recovered from an eating disorder ... Advanced knowledge of nutrition & eating plans. I bet the healthiest eaters in the Western world are the ones who've been treated for terminally unhealthy eating
My personal view is that its important for both partners to maintain their appearance / grooming etc to remain attractive - so that includes weight. However its likely to be a touchy subject. My DH and I have discussed that I don't find overweight people attractive - and when I was overweight post pregnancy I often told my DH that I was a bit repulsed by myself.
So I guess I don't know the answer, but it does sound as though he putting his health at risk.
This always interests me, forever. How do you and your husband feel about the sexual attractiveness of chronically sick people, and of old people? Do you expect to spend two or three decades of your life together feeling repulsed by yourselves and each other?
I mentioned above that I had a very fat boyfriend for a while - he must have been well over 20 stone, and still is. Although I was a very slim fitness freak at the time, his body weight, shape & size didn't bother me until I started going off him for other reasons. Surely this is how love usually works - we overlook a partner's imperfections, because no human is perfect, until the overall package becomes unacceptable? If not, only perfect couples would stay in love, and that's clearly untrue.
Sorry for the diversion, sleepy.
<claps garlic> my ex OM had a bit of a belly but it didnt matter at all There was an amazing sexual chemistry between us that was electric. As in your case things between us didnt work out for other reasons.
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