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Please help me get through today.

(143 Posts)
FuntimeFuschia Sat 14-Sep-13 10:17:04

I found out at about half four this morning that my H has been cheating with a woman he works with. Been suspicious for a few weeks, so checked his phone and there a delightful pic of her in a very gymnastic pose. He owned up pretty swiftly, probably because it was early hours and he'd woken up and realised both me and the phone were missing. Swears blind no sex, yeah yeah bullshit bullshit.
This has happened before, I found out just after ds was born and I chose to stay and work on it. I feel so fucking stupid.
We have to go to a wedding today. There is no way out of it. DC's have a lovely day out and sleepover with my mil and I don't want them to miss out. I don't know how to hold it together watching two very close mutual friends get married, in a church full of mutual friends. He has taken the dc out fora walk this morning to give me some space, but I can just see the day lasting forever. I have had two hours sleep, keep bursting into tears and just don't know what to do.
He's moving out tomorrow, our marriage is over, I am completely overwhelmed by the fallout to come. I feel lost.

southfieldsmum Mon 23-Sep-13 14:59:47

FF you are epic - what an utterly shitty shit thing to happen. GP could also refer you to a counsellor - would be so useful to explore those normal feelings attached to this kind of rejection. BUt you might need help to get things straight in your head. This is not about your shortcomings but all about this. It really messes with your head and makes you feel unbelievably shitty. Is so unfair that you have to be 'strong' but you do. Womens lot.
Much xxxx

skyeskyeskye Mon 23-Sep-13 15:03:30

If you feel like that, then do go and see the doctor and get some anti d's. I had to do it as I just couldn't function on a daily basis without crying and shaking all the time and I wasn't eating anything.

My doctor describes anti d's as "a pair of armbands" helping to keep you afloat while you need them and once you learn to swim on your own again, then you can stop taking them.

This is all normal. Really it is.
I spent weeks/months just finding little corners and tucking my knees into my chest and crying for hours on end.
But these dark times do get lesser and the crying fits get fewer a further between.
You will go through so many emotions and crying really helped me.
Try to be kind to yourself and stop trying to figure him or what he did out. You won't do it and you'll go half insane trying!
Just understand that he is a twat - that is all you need to know.
Try to eat and drink. For me it was sugary tea and home made OJ ice lollies. Bananas are good and smoothies will be your friend for a while while you stomach settles and stops twisting so much.
You've been brilliant so far and it does get better. But it will take time so don't expect to be right as rain tomorrow. It's not going to happen.
But you will put on the brave face when needed and you can cry and scream and run and walk when you need to as well.
Take all the help and support you can get.
Keep going - trust us all who have been there - it does get better!

Hissy Mon 23-Sep-13 17:58:48

My love, these feelings are normal, they really are, and you CAN survive this. Remember that this is a devastating thing to happen to anyone, and the feelings associated will be brutal.

If you find that you are overwhelmed all the time, then a little medication will help you even that out a bit, but try to remember that this is a spectacularly shitty thing to go through, it's supposed to hurt, you're supposed to feel shit.

You don't deserve to, which will make you feel indignant and want to rage, but again, All of that is absolutely justified.

You really are doing well, even if you don't feel it yet.

Icklemariposa01 Tue 24-Sep-13 09:44:20

It's got Sweet FA to do with you. It's all in his bullshit, selfish, pre midlife crisis, I think I am 25 years old mind!

Go for a run and listen to songs like alanis morresett you outta know!! Katy perry roar.... Oooooh I am trying to think of more songs.

You will go through waves of different emotions but never ever think that you had any say in this because he is the one that has taken the future that you quite rightly you thought you had away from you.

So song it loud "I am here to remind you of mess that you left when you went away.
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know!!!

Xx

FuntimeFuschia Tue 01-Oct-13 16:17:57

Hello, so it's been a while. ..I am currently signed off work and been put on AD's. H veers between acting like a sulky teenager or being patronisingly 'concerned' about me. He's been round today to 'check' I am ok, I ended up telling him exactly how I am, still no fucking apology, he admits he 'handled things badly' but still denies having sex before I found out. He is definitely with her now.
How can he think I would want to talk to him about how miserable I am when its all his doing? It felt like he wants me to tell him to give him some weird kind of kick. He doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong.
I don't want him back. I really don't. But I want to see some retribution for him, I want him to be on his fucking knees with exhaustion and unhappiness, I want to feel happy again.
And today is our wedding anniversary.

MsBlouseyBrown Tue 01-Oct-13 16:41:44

Best advice I had when I was in your situation was "never seek solace in the arms of the one who betrayed you"

He isn't your friend and he doesn't have your best interests in his heart. He is offloading his guilt. He will go away now and think to himself, well I offered to help, I was there for her.

And rest assured, he will get his rightful retribution. But by then, you will be healed and not give two figs.

FuntimeFuschia Tue 01-Oct-13 16:51:18

I feel wretched and despairing and I understand this may be due to the AD's settling in but I cannot bear this, I hate him so much and I don't want to hate him I want to feel indifferent and detached. I am so tired. He has the dc till tomorrow now which is great for them and a break for me as they are driving me insane but I have no motivation to do anything other than keep going round in circles in my head. My dad is coming over tonight and I can't get myself together enough to get up and get organised.

Vivacia Tue 01-Oct-13 18:43:29

Sounds awful FF. I would aim for "icy detachment" around him. I think there will be a comeuppance, it just might take a while and in my experience it comes along long after I have moved on.

Would it help for him to take on more time with the children?

MsBlouseyBrown Tue 01-Oct-13 18:44:29

You don't need to be organised. You just need to be. Give yourself permission to fall to pieces while your dc's are not around.
You have to go through this pain to come out the other side. You can't go round it or it won't go away.
It hurts like hell but you will get there.

skyeskyeskye Tue 01-Oct-13 18:53:03

FF. It takes a long time to feel indifference, but you will get there. I still haven't, but everybody is different. The harder you love the harder it is to deal with when it goes wrong. Look after yourself first and foremost .

My XH also said "I handled things badly". I also had the crap apology several months later in which he was remorseful, regretful and "I know what I did was wrong and I have to live with that". MY reply - Yes and so does your daughter!

It makes you feel better for about 5 minutes, but in reality it doesn't change anything.

You don't need his concern. My Xh said he would always care about me. I told him that was bollocks, because you don't treat somebody like that if you genuinely care about them!

Try and avoid any conversation with him if at all possible. Confide in your friends and family, but don't tell him. I

DownstairsMixUp Tue 01-Oct-13 19:02:09

FF i really think you are coping amazingly well, despite what you think, I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through. He sounds like an utter wanker and at this stage, he will just be wrapped up in the "honeymoon" process of being with a new woman. That will soon wear off the stupid bastard.

I would stick with staying off work for now, when the DC are not around do have a good cry, no shame in having a cry.

TC ff. x

FuntimeFuschia Wed 02-Oct-13 08:49:02

Thank you all again smile you are all very lovely and wise. He is seeing the dc very regularly now after not bothering with them for almost a week I tore a strip off him and although he initially got all defensive and ' I deserve a social life' he later increased his contact. I think at the very least the impact on the dc especially ds is getting through to him.
He also told me he's not been sleeping well and has no money, I think this is him trying to get me to feel sorry for him! Not happening mate!
I won't bother talking to him again unless it's about the dc. I stupidly let him come round because I thought he might actually want to apologise but it was all just about him trying to make out he has done nothing wrong and I think he wanted me to weep and wail and beg him to come home. Yet again, it's all about him and his ego.

passedgo Wed 02-Oct-13 08:57:04

Good God what a prize idiot he is. He doesn't seem to understand that spending tome with your children is a precious privilege, not a dreaded duty. If that's the way he sees it let him. In 20 years time his children will tell him what they think about it. Does he want contact with his grandchildren in the future?

Is he intellectually challenged?

DownstairsMixUp Wed 02-Oct-13 09:01:15

"I deserve a social life" God he really is a prize prick isn't he? Still sounds completely wrapped up in his own new world and you're right, for his ego, which sounds like it needs a huge amount of massaging at the moment, he probably did expect you to beg and plead to boost himself. Prat! Keep it all about the kids and don't fall into his trap!

FuntimeFuschia Wed 02-Oct-13 09:07:37

Ha, well one of the reasons I loved him was because he was clever and we loved discussing and analysing books and films and current affairs ( no pun intended ) and I always respected his intelligence. We were best friends and very close. I miss that part of him and this will sound utterly pathetic but even though he is being an obnoxious pig, it was weirdly comforting to have an actual conversation with him rather than just one word handovers. I realise this makes me sound very sad.
He is keeping up the increased contact at the moment but we'll see how long that lasts. Pretty much all his spare time is now with the dc, he works shifts as does Toilet Knickers so I can't see her being too chuffed with the situation. Unless he combines the two, at which point I will be apocalyptic in my rage.

beachyhead Wed 02-Oct-13 09:25:06

I can understand you missing the conversations and the 'shared history'. Going forward, is there someone or somewhere else you can get that level of conversation, to replace that? That will make it easier to detach, I guess.

I think you are doing amazingly - it has been such a short time.

passedgo Wed 02-Oct-13 09:45:16

I'm sure you can substitute that conversation with someone else. Sure it takes time to get to know someone but he does not have a monopoly on intelligent conversation. Try meetup, a special interest website. Not a dating thing, but it's mainly London based.

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