Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've joined the merry throng

(207 Posts)
Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:05:40

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 06:54:48

I have told my friend who lives in USA.
I can't bear to tell anyone else at the moment. I've been so supportive of him, leaned on people when he was in hospital and been so vocal in my views that I was with him in sickness and in health that I feel so foolish.
I will speak to my GP on Monday re getting swabs etc done. He might already know as DH told his psych.

lunar1 Sat 14-Sep-13 06:58:17

So sorry you are going through this. Hope you had some rest last night.

I know It feels like almost a worse betrayal when you've been so supportive of him, OP. I hope he feels like fucking shit. Typical that he should be sleeping while you stayed awake sad

I think your plans are good. Whatever happens you'll be fine. Tell someone in rl, they won't think you're a fool. He's the fool amongst other things

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 08:14:40

I've told a friend. She's not the closest friend in many ways but she has a less than perfect life - SN daughter. Divorced etc
She won't judge me
I'm going to see her for coffee later if I can get my work shift covered.

Vivacia Sat 14-Sep-13 08:30:57

I think it's understandable that he slept well, probably for the first time in ages as he's off-loaded the guilt and fear and adrenaline and secrets on to the OP.

But for you, it's a massive shock. He's weeks, probably months, ahead of you in terms of coming to terms with the situation. But from here on in, you can turn that around.

Xales Sat 14-Sep-13 08:33:37

Sorry you are going through this.

It's not an EA. It's a full on dirty sordid affair.

If he went and slept with her since he came out of hospital in the summer it wasn't just once in January so he is still a lying sack of shit minimising so that you won't dump him with no where to go.

They all do. I don't think I have read of one affair on here where they admit everything straight off. And the doing it to protect you line is bollocks it is to stop their sorry arse being out the door.

If you have an STI I think her H needs to know. Not your problem or fault I know but really shitty for him not to know.

PTFsWife Sat 14-Sep-13 09:41:47

As someone two weeks into having joined the Merry Throng, I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this too. I find it gobsmacking how many women come onto MN each week and say the same thing about how their husbands are having affairs. It's like until it happens to you, you trundle along through your life blissfully unaware that this happens for real. You hear about it but you never imagine it will be you. Like being in a car crash - it's always someone else involved in one of those while you just drive slowly past the crash scene thanking your lucky stars.

If it helps, this is the timeline of how the last two weeks has gonefor me - perhaps it will help you to know what to expect:

- he admitted the affair. Didn't give full details. I was in shock and walked out of the house and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I came back, we had a short chat but my gut instinct was that I wanted to save my marriage. He slept in the spare room

- I didn't sleep but got more and more upset so that by morning I demanded to see his PC. I then got to see the extent of his affair. It was horrific. I told three close girlfriends and they came to my rescue. I spent the weekend with them at their houses. Told the kids mum needed a girly weekend break. On about day 3 I got angry. Husband and I communicated a lot by email.

- He left for a week to go on a business trip abroad and to find out about what was going to happen with his job (it was with a work colleague). I felt sick all week, full of anxiety, crying all the time about nothing, exhausted, not sleeping, wanting to vomit. I took Kalms and Nytol to get through it.

- He came back. He was a broken man. A complete shell. I could tell that he was deeply ashamed and sorry for what he had done. We had a long, mature chat. I tried to be calm and understanding. I put 'fix my marriage' first. We even went on a date that night and slept in the same bed (no sex but I did give him a peck on the lips goodnight).

- The next day it felt as though the last week had just been a bad dream. He seemed to have become his old self. I felt: What the fuck? I haven't actually really let myself think about what he has done or get really cross. He seems to be having it too easy.

-The next day I made myself read the over 800 emails that went between the two of them. Pornographic in nature. The rage that I had been missing finally arrived.I left and stayed with my friend again.

- The feeling that I wanted to fix my marriage was for the first time being replaced by a sense that maybe I really didn't want to be with this man. I told him that.

-I went to the sexual health clinic. The humiliation of sitting with a bunch of men all cupping their balls while they glanced at me wondering why I was there, having someone take swabs and bloods to check for a huge range of STDS - well that didn't help the way I was feeling about my husband.

Since then it has been very hard. We are living in the same house but in separate bedrooms. We are speaking but only about mundane matters like what time to pick the kids up. I have arranged to go abroad on Monday to see my family for a week. They know all about it and have been massively supportive. I am going to use the time to try figure out my thoughts on it all.

Ultimately I think I will try to work on my marriage but we have a long, long path to walk. There are continual triggers that make me think of the words they shared with each other.

My advice is to try get away from him - whether it's him going or you. Do talk about it first though. Just going away in a bubble doesn't help move you forward - just postponing the inevitable. Get as much info about the affair as you can so that you can really absorb it and feel the hurt and anger. I truly believe you need to before you can move forward. Read Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends. Do not blame yourself for this. As the book says: Contributing to a failing marriage is not the same as causing infidelity. Love yourself. Get friends in for support (only tell friends who will be supportive of your marriage rather than judgemental, that way if you decide you do want to work at it, you have support).

Good luck and sending lots of love your way.
x

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 09:53:31

Well. We've talked
I've been lurking and occasionally commenting on relationship threads. I am such a cliche but at least I know where to go. I've downloaded "Not Just Friends" and been reading stuff here and on the Surviving Infidelity website
I've told him what he has to do.
He's listening and he's not making excuses this morning
Yes there were issues but he allowed the gap between us to widen and then he allowed her to move in. His choice. His mistake.
I don't think I know it all yet but I am sure I will be told when I ask. I can't face more detail just now. I have a day with the kids to get through. But I'm seeing my friend later
I've told him I want a full reconciliation ideally but I don't know if I am capable of the forgiveness that would take.
Time away won't be easy and there is no spare bed but I think he will be going away for a weekend very soon.
Our local sexual health service is unutterably crap so I will see GP first

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 09:56:25

And we're just going to O2 shop to change his mobile number. His suggestion

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 09:59:54

And I've known for months something was wrong. I used to be morbidly obese with a comfort eating thing going (please don't put me in rl if anyone recognises me here). I've been comfort eating again after years not doing and I couldn't have said the reason why.
The EA seems to have been a year to start. The shagging started in January. I knew there was something about her. My instincts are good.
That's a good thing to know today.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 10:19:12

And thanks PTFsWife
I guess it's good in some ways to know we're not alone but I'm sorry this is happening to you x

YoniMatopoeia Sat 14-Sep-13 10:26:05

So sorry to hear you are going through this cliche

Is there any way that you can get some space for yourself? It sounds like you can't ask him to move out as you need him for dd while you work?.

Is there anyone you could stay with for a few days?

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 10:34:37

I'd miss dd too much
She's such a mini me and just follows me around
Going out for the evening with a friend. Once I'm over my cold I'm going to take time for myself properly every day.

comingintomyown Sat 14-Sep-13 10:55:35

Cliche sorry you are going through this

Can I just say you list divorce as one of the reasons your friends life is less than perfect

I am nigh on four years divorced and my life is closer to perfect than most of my married friends

If you cant work things out try not to be afraid of divorce

lemonstartree Sat 14-Sep-13 11:09:57

im so so sorry. This is no way to repay you loving and loyalty.

i hope you can get some rest tonight and be supported by your friends

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 11:10:33

I didn't mean if that way
I meant because she's lived and knows that shit happens she won't judge. She's much better without her ex than with him.

Vivacia Sat 14-Sep-13 12:04:19

I can't see why any of your friends would judge. Even if you've been a bit smug, they should be there to support you.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 12:11:20

I don't want to deal with smugness though just now. I also don't know if we have a future and don't want advice of LTB just yet. I just want someone who will be nice and understanding and unsmug. I have a lot of friends who are I couldn't handle just now.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 12:12:49

Is there any reason why he couldn't move out and just come over during the time you are at work to look after your dd? If he wants to try and work on the relationship, this would be the least he could do.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 12:14:33

Apart from the fact we are skint and I'd have to tell the older DCs, no. It might happen at some point.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 12:20:38

Could he go to his parents, or a friend's spare room?

TalkativeJim Sat 14-Sep-13 12:22:09

Tell him the first thing he needs to do is get a job.

That sorts out the access issue and starts to help with cash.

You might not want to tell her H right now as it's a card you hold, but ultimately he should know, if you have a STI.

Personally I'd have no qualms at all in using the fact that he doesn't know as a leverage, and then tell him as soon as you're where you want to be. I don't think I could live with keeping quiet if his health may be at risk.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 12:24:58

If I have an STI I will tell him.
It's torture having to wait regarding that

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 12:28:11

We live a long way from his family but a visit to his brother may be in the offing to give me some space.
He doesn't really have many friends locally and nobody I think he would want to tell.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 12:32:32

I don't mean to "yes, but"
I don't care if he's here or not right now. I have more space from the responsibility of the DCs if he's here.
I'm feeling rubbish with a bad cold so it's easier just to live alongside him right now. He's trying to look after me.
It's so hard to reconcile the lovely but damaged man he is with the cowardly shagging bastard I see

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now