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Intimate emails or am I being paranoid??(39 Posts)
I'm a lurker but reading the good advice,on the whole! that I read on MN
Thought I would ask you lovely people for some advice.
DH has a female friend at his footy club, she has sons that play and helps out with charity do's, & attends committee meetings etc, she is the same age as me and we have chatted on occasions.
Anyway, DH sends out funny e mails to mates etc & she is one of the recipients, just lately,we'll, over the last 6 months, I have read some e mails that have a bit more content;
HIM: hope that e mail didn't offend u
HER: you never offend me, you always pay me compliments,your so sweet & cheer me up
HIM; your just perfect, your always smiling......
I could go on but may vomit! she always puts an 'x' and he sometimes does too, she always says 'sorry I missed you at club today' or 'see u next week xx'
He goes to great lengths to make his e mails very chatty which makes me laugh as he struggles to converse with me at times!
Sorry it's rambling but am I paranoid or what?
Just to say, I don't go to the club often as feel intimidated by OW, she's slimmer than me and it seems everyone loves her and the place would fall apart without her, bitter, moi?! (Confused)
Also, he doesn't know I can access his mail!
Thanks everyone, You are all right, I should not contact her and I'm not going to, I have said to DH that of course I don't mind him having friends, I have male friends too but what upsets me is the intimacy, he says he understands now that i am hurt but it was never meant in a sexual way, I honestly still don't think he realises what he has said to her could be read the wrong way, apparently the original e mail he sent which he asked her if she was offended about was a dyson advert showing a naked fat woman having her fat sucked away! (He showed me it) he then as an afterthought thought she might take offence and think he was saying she was fat!
SO.....what now? We have agreed to talk more and he will think before he types!! Watch this space I guess
Thing is, she can do what she likes. You have no idea what sort of marriage she has, what her husband would think acceptable, and I think you will look a bit crazy if you contact her.
DO NOT EMAIL HER OR HER DH!
You will look like a possessive unhinged loon, no matter how justified your suspicions are, and it will spectacularly backfire on you.
I would give it some time and thought before emailing her. How much time does he spend at club? Can he cut it back, if it's only a Fri night with DS it's not much but considering it's once a week, his emails seem very friendly.
Rereading his comments to her I would not be happy just with a 'serious talk' with him, they seem very inappropriate.
What about sending them to her DH, as your DH says they are just funny emails between friends so I am sure her DH will think they are amusing too and not be at all put out.
Is her DH at the club too?
Not a good idea to email her. As others have pointed out, she could be the innocent party, with your DH doing all the chasing. So contacting her would just cause you loads of embarrassment. Anyway, it's your DH you need to speak to. Tell him to stop acting like a lovesick teenager because it's making you very unhappy.
So much to think about! cant access his mobile bills, all done online with a password. DH is asleep now but im gonna ask him to stop e mailng her tomorrow. Ive been thinking that if hes not at home hes at work or at the club,( him and DS go there on a fri night) so dont think they have a chance to be physical, but need to get through to him that im hurt and offended. should i speak to OW about e mails do you think? iv got her mobile number!
I don't like the way he is reacting to this at all. The phone always being in his pocket when there aren't young kids in the house to play with it is another red flag. He might be deleting stuff. Does he get bills you could see?
You realised he's lied to your face now then? The E mails you saw could hardly be described as 'funny' or 'jokey'. They are intimate and full of compliments for her.
I'm still not convinced that she's actually interested in an affair with him, but as usual it wouldn't matter if she was. It seems fairly obvious that he is with her because he's now lying to cover up what he's already done and what his intentions are.
The giving up football was a bluff he knew you wouldn't call. Very manipulative.
Have you had the talk yet where you lay it on the line that if he's unfaithful- emotionally or physically- you won't hesitate to end the relationship?
Yes I would have taken him up on his offer to stop the football just to see if he really meant it. Why didn't he offer to stop emailing her?
I would have been tempted to call his bluff and say 'oh that would reassure me so much, I can take DS to footy going forward'
wonder what his reaction would have been
He's mobile is always in his pocket but last time I checked there was nothing on it worth getting worried about, We went out today and I steered the chat round to her, he assures me there's nothing going on and they are just friends, apparently I am making a mountain out of a molehill.He offered to stop the footy but think he knows I wouldn't ask him to do that as DS is involved so much with the club as well,
I've not let on that I can read his e mails but he said that they don't e mail every day like I'm making out that they do, he just sends her funny e mails occasionally and she sometimes replies . I've left it at that and will play it by ear. I really think he thinks he's doing nothing wrong as nothing physical has happened, men eh?! Why do we bother?!
They are crossing the line. A normal exchange would be, thanks for the lift. Not thanks for the lift, you are so lovely.
I agree with gut instinct. The first email exchange I found, XH said to OW, "you're a very clever girl to know so much" after she gave him advice on high blood pressure. Inappropriate response to his mates wife, which made me instantly suspicious, leading to the later discovery if thousands of texts.
Your H may not have gone any further with this woman but it is out of order and can often lead to more.
If you can have the conversation with him then that's good but keep an eye in how he behaves with his mobile, is he secretive with it.
Not paranoid. Crossing the line. I found similar e-mails with someone I've been with calling an ex to gorgeous and lots of kisses wanting to go collect her from somewhere. I gave him another chance but it was always there, niggling me, wondering what he was doing. It's up to you to decide whether to give him a chance to explain and move on or just leave him.
Print or screenshot everything you find. And yes, get access to his phone. Is it password protected?
Is password protection an issue? Does he has an iPhone with a passcode that you have access to?
Rule in our house - If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner you shouldn't be doing it.
Does he email OW asking them if they offended? Is the contact instigated by him?
Sounds like he has a crush to me.If she is like this with other men then I imagine he won't be the 1st sucker to get all doe eyed and pathetic about her.
Thanks guys, some food for thought there,
we are off out for lunch in a mo as DS is out with his mates,so I may try and turn conversation round to her and see what evolves, I don't wanna go in all guns blazing & I don't want to let on I can read his emails, need to keep an eye on them for a bit
It sounds dodgy to me. Do you know why? Because what you are talking about it your gut instinct. And that is rarely wrong. Most women say they knew 'something' wasn't right long before they found about their partner cheating.
It's difficult because, normally I would say tell him not to have any contact with her whatsoever and see how he reacts. But, in this case, as she's the barmaid at the club, it would be a big ask.
What about talking to him and telling him how you feel? If he listens properly, sees it from your point of view, makes some suggestions as to how he could minimise contact, then it may be something that he is not going to risk his marriage over and he will put a stop to it.
If he denies, minimises, tells you to stop being silly, you are imagining it, etc. then there is probably more going on.
If she's like this with all the guys then it's probably not so much of a problem...chatty and flirty is not a problem per se unless your husband and she have a special thing going on. It might well be that your DH has a crush on her and fancies his chances but she wouldn't take him on, if she's got a bar full of guys chatting her up and coming on to her.
LAVENDER: 2 older DC fled the nest, DS is 14, him & DH play footy but not at same time, 1 on sat, 1 on sun..... I always try & watch them play if I'm not working, it's the social stuff I'm not keen on.TBH not a lot of the other wives go on a reg basis. OW is the only female on the committee.
FRANCESCABELL; the times I've met her iv been very friendly and chatty, but I do think she's very flirty, as if she revels in being in control of all the men in the club, on 1 charity day I was helping out with the BBQ, I popped into the bar to get something and she and DH were stood chatting & stopped. I felt like the spare part!, I know I need to grow some balls!! But she just makes me angry now
DH & I do go out occasionally for meals etc so it's not all doom & gloom, just this little niggle in my head all the time.
I'd go nuts if I read that. What a slap in the face! Don't leave this to progress though for me my trust would be tested.
Francesabell has a good point, although the emails are pointing to more.
Is he propping the bar up at night whilst you look after the dc?
How old are your dc? Do they like the football or are they going because dad likes it? Do you do anything else as a family in your spare time? Is your dh playing or just your dc?
Don't feel intimidated by her, you don't need to compare yourself with anyone. You have as much right to go anyway, or do you feel you would get roped in to do all the organising with her when you just want to watch your dc?
I'd be furious if my DH told another woman that he thought her perfect.And no way would he use xx to sign off unless to me.Foot down now Honey before it gets further out of hand.
No not paranoid, sounds like he is getting involved with her.
Does he put xx on any other emails?
From what you've posted, it's him who's doing most of the running here, as that initial e mail obviously contained a compliment he feared was too near the mark. It's possible she's interested in him, but it's also possible that she finds him a bit unboundaried and is struggling to deal with it without causing offence or being accused of over-reacting. If the club is important to her and her kids, the last thing she'd want to do is cause an unpleasant atmosphere so although you might have cast her in the role of scheming temptress, she might be finding the whole situation a bit difficult to handle.
I'd suggest going to the club and involving yourself more. Try to befriend her and judge her reaction. If she's finding his attentions a bit creepy, she'll welcome your presence with open arms (unless you're hostile to her) but if they are still having cosy chats even when you're there, you're going to have to reiterate that you're feeling hurt and threatened by it.
When people start showing you texts in an effort to demonstrate how innocent it all is, that's when the alarms go off, IMO.
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