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Intimate emails or am I being paranoid??

(39 Posts)

I'm a lurker but reading the good advice,on the whole! that I read on MN
Thought I would ask you lovely people for some advice.
DH has a female friend at his footy club, she has sons that play and helps out with charity do's, & attends committee meetings etc, she is the same age as me and we have chatted on occasions.
Anyway, DH sends out funny e mails to mates etc & she is one of the recipients, just lately,we'll, over the last 6 months, I have read some e mails that have a bit more content;
HIM: hope that e mail didn't offend u
HER: you never offend me, you always pay me compliments,your so sweet & cheer me up
HIM; your just perfect, your always smiling......
I could go on but may vomit! she always puts an 'x' and he sometimes does too, she always says 'sorry I missed you at club today' or 'see u next week xx'
He goes to great lengths to make his e mails very chatty which makes me laugh as he struggles to converse with me at times!
Sorry it's rambling but am I paranoid or what?
Just to say, I don't go to the club often as feel intimidated by OW, she's slimmer than me and it seems everyone loves her and the place would fall apart without her, bitter, moi?! (Confused)
Also, he doesn't know I can access his mail!

KiteSurfer Fri 13-Sep-13 22:47:13

I'd probably keep an eye on it & see if it progresses. Could be innocent, or could be the beginning of something.

KiteSurfer Fri 13-Sep-13 22:47:18

I'd probably keep an eye on it & see if it progresses. Could be innocent, or could be the beginning of something.

thenightsky Fri 13-Sep-13 22:49:01

Nope, you are not being paranoid in my opinion.

SisterMonicaJoan Fri 13-Sep-13 22:52:55

Doesn't sound like anything physical has happened yet but there is some serious boundary pushing going on.

Hopefully some wise posters will come alone and advise what your next step should be but I would advise somehow nipping it in the bud before it goes too far.

Yakky Fri 13-Sep-13 22:53:40

I had this with my EX.
He never said anything like that to me, but sent wolf whistles, etc, online to other women. I made some reference to this and he just feigned complete innocence. Looked nonplussed when I pointed out he could lavish compliments on other women but not me.
Probably explains why he is now my ex.

I don't think you are being paranoid either. Is this OW married?

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 13-Sep-13 23:03:24

You don't sound paranoid

I'd watch the emails for a whole. Don't confront him.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 13-Sep-13 23:03:43

*while

cheapskatemum....yea shes married, her H rarely goes to the club, only on special occassions. our DS goes to the club too so dont think anything physical would happen there but i know she runs the bar sometimes & he obviously props the bar up all night!

Yakky Fri 13-Sep-13 23:19:02

Propping the bar up?
Then he will be giving her all the my wife does not understand me, whereas you do chat.

FrancescaBell Fri 13-Sep-13 23:26:44

When did you start secretly monitoring his private correspondence? Was it before you started to have suspicions or have you always done that?

FWIW I definitely think something is brewing, but I don't understand why you aren't making yourself more a part of something that your family loves, because of jealousy about another woman's attractiveness.

Normally I'd suggest having a chat with your partner about your concerns re this woman and how easy it is for anyone regardless of how happy they are to let someone get too close, but if he struggles to converse, you're hiding away and you're snooping, it doesn't sound like the sort of honest relationship that could stand that sort of interaction.

I have mentioned her closeness & my concerns to DH a while back after i was with them at the club & every time i looked they were talking, he said it was my imagination and shes just a really nice person who is friends eith everyone. it was after this that i looked at the e mails, but to be fair,about a year ago he showed me a txt on his phone from her saying he was lovely cos he dropped her son home & its stemmed from there i guess

BerylStreep Fri 13-Sep-13 23:43:26

The e-mails are inappropriate.

You need to mark your territory and get down to the club, no matter how intimidated you feel by her looks.

This needs nipping in the bud before it goes any further, if it hasn't already.

BerylStreep Fri 13-Sep-13 23:48:26

When people start showing you texts in an effort to demonstrate how innocent it all is, that's when the alarms go off, IMO.

FrancescaBell Fri 13-Sep-13 23:49:51

From what you've posted, it's him who's doing most of the running here, as that initial e mail obviously contained a compliment he feared was too near the mark. It's possible she's interested in him, but it's also possible that she finds him a bit unboundaried and is struggling to deal with it without causing offence or being accused of over-reacting. If the club is important to her and her kids, the last thing she'd want to do is cause an unpleasant atmosphere so although you might have cast her in the role of scheming temptress, she might be finding the whole situation a bit difficult to handle.

I'd suggest going to the club and involving yourself more. Try to befriend her and judge her reaction. If she's finding his attentions a bit creepy, she'll welcome your presence with open arms (unless you're hostile to her) but if they are still having cosy chats even when you're there, you're going to have to reiterate that you're feeling hurt and threatened by it.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 00:01:16

No not paranoid, sounds like he is getting involved with her.

Does he put xx on any other emails?

WhiteandGreen Sat 14-Sep-13 00:42:09

It's a flirtation.

maras2 Sat 14-Sep-13 00:48:28

I'd be furious if my DH told another woman that he thought her perfect.And no way would he use xx to sign off unless to me.Foot down now Honey before it gets further out of hand.

Lavenderhoney Sat 14-Sep-13 04:32:06

Francesabell has a good point, although the emails are pointing to more.

Is he propping the bar up at night whilst you look after the dc?

How old are your dc? Do they like the football or are they going because dad likes it? Do you do anything else as a family in your spare time? Is your dh playing or just your dc?

Don't feel intimidated by her, you don't need to compare yourself with anyone. You have as much right to go anyway, or do you feel you would get roped in to do all the organising with her when you just want to watch your dc?

PTFO Sat 14-Sep-13 08:06:13

I'd go nuts if I read that. What a slap in the face! Don't leave this to progress though for me my trust would be tested.

LAVENDER: 2 older DC fled the nest, DS is 14, him & DH play footy but not at same time, 1 on sat, 1 on sun..... I always try & watch them play if I'm not working, it's the social stuff I'm not keen on.TBH not a lot of the other wives go on a reg basis. OW is the only female on the committee.
FRANCESCABELL; the times I've met her iv been very friendly and chatty, but I do think she's very flirty, as if she revels in being in control of all the men in the club, on 1 charity day I was helping out with the BBQ, I popped into the bar to get something and she and DH were stood chatting & stopped. I felt like the spare part!, I know I need to grow some balls!! But she just makes me angry now
DH & I do go out occasionally for meals etc so it's not all doom & gloom, just this little niggle in my head all the time.

Lovingfreedom Sat 14-Sep-13 09:29:26

If she's like this with all the guys then it's probably not so much of a problem...chatty and flirty is not a problem per se unless your husband and she have a special thing going on. It might well be that your DH has a crush on her and fancies his chances but she wouldn't take him on, if she's got a bar full of guys chatting her up and coming on to her.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 10:29:45

It sounds dodgy to me. Do you know why? Because what you are talking about it your gut instinct. And that is rarely wrong. Most women say they knew 'something' wasn't right long before they found about their partner cheating.

It's difficult because, normally I would say tell him not to have any contact with her whatsoever and see how he reacts. But, in this case, as she's the barmaid at the club, it would be a big ask.

What about talking to him and telling him how you feel? If he listens properly, sees it from your point of view, makes some suggestions as to how he could minimise contact, then it may be something that he is not going to risk his marriage over and he will put a stop to it.

If he denies, minimises, tells you to stop being silly, you are imagining it, etc. then there is probably more going on.

Thanks guys, some food for thought there,
we are off out for lunch in a mo as DS is out with his mates,so I may try and turn conversation round to her and see what evolves, I don't wanna go in all guns blazing & I don't want to let on I can read his emails, need to keep an eye on them for a bit

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