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How long do I wait for DP to propose?

(145 Posts)
HoldingBreathandCountingtoTen Fri 13-Sep-13 20:06:22

Been with DP over 2 years, known each other for 5 years as friends. Lived together over a year and a half now. We are both early 30s. We are very happy.

I want to get married. To DP. I am just SO ready. I have told DP I want to marry him, said DP let's get married. He said he wants to get married to me but will propose "as and when he is good and ready". So he is not ready yet.

I don't want to twist his arm into anything, any proposal needs to be his own free choice. But how long should I wait? I don't want to waste my 30s child bearing years with a man who is never going to marry me. At what point would you draw that conclusion and walk away?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 13-Sep-13 23:17:13

Surrendered wife?? That the funniest thing I think I've read. My DH would wet himself laughing if I told him that.

Believe me, I have a say in everything.

Kundry Fri 13-Sep-13 23:21:20

Pachacuti makes an excellent point about male knowledge of female biology. He may think 'early thirties, I have loads of time' while you can here your biological clock ticking.

My DH had not a clue - he knew the menopause existed but thought it happened to women aged 60-70.

olgaga Fri 13-Sep-13 23:21:42

I'd give him 6 months then move on. I'd never have a child without the financial and legal protection that marriage brings.

He's a arrogant entitled bastard btw. You deserve better.

flowery Fri 13-Sep-13 23:38:42

"The good and ready comment - he is really not a sexist arse at all - he is someone who considers all decisions very carefully."

But he's already said he wants to marry you. What decision is left to consider so carefully? confused

Really sounds as though he's putting you in your place tbh and emphasising that it's his decision and not to be initiated by you.

Fairenuff Fri 13-Sep-13 23:39:38

I was 29 when we had 'the talk'. We got married six weeks later. Once the decision is made, just crack on I say.

springydafty Fri 13-Sep-13 23:41:09

but will propose "as and when he is good and ready"

ugh. What a catch hmm

as a pp said, this isn't the 1880s. He sounds horrible doesn't sound very nice. What makes him think it's his job to bring you to heel? Does his 'traditional' viewpoint necessitate you learn to be obedient and wait for the master's decision?

Ugh.

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 23:41:49

"As and when I'm good and ready" is very different to "I'm not sure I'm ready yet" -one is "I need more time", the other is "I'll do it in my own time"

EsTutMirLeid Fri 13-Sep-13 23:54:41

I see what you mean defineme...

No I wasn't 'waiting 10 years' in fact I didn't have to 'wait' at all because we talked and I got the proposal I wanted and we are happily married with a beautiful 3 year old.

Just talk to him again op.

Lavenderhoney Sat 14-Sep-13 04:58:10

I wouldn't be happy with " when I'm good and ready" your feelings haven't come into it.

You know each other well, live together so to my mind what is he waiting for? It seems the commitment to having a mortgage together and living together without seeing anyone else is enough for him.

Personally I would have a nice chat along the lines of " well, if you feel you need to wait another 3-5 years keeping me hoping every weekend you will propose depresses me and I would like to know what we our plans are for the future and dc, as fertility declines on average at 35 but who knows mine could be younger"

Its your life, you need a say in important decisions. My dad used to say " what are your intentions?" And I must say toe curling though it was, it sorted the wheat from the chaff. I used to say it too, after the 6 month marksmile

Did you talk about it when you moved in together?

Lazyjaney Sat 14-Sep-13 06:16:28

Given your age, and the conversations to date, I think you need to get a decision or leave asap. You won't be the first or last woman to wait until you can't have kids, only to see the love of your life bugger off and start a family within the year with someone else.

I was in your situation op. I pressed him for a date when he would decide for sure. he did so well within his timescale and had spent the intervening time secretly visiting my parents and buying a ring.

mn isn't going to like my "sexist pig" of a dh but I've never been happier and love our largely equal relationship and 2 dcs.

(married at 30 just, now 33 so we didn't hang around. once we decided to get hitched we were married in 6 months.)

Fairylea Sat 14-Sep-13 07:00:58

I'd move on. He doesn't sound as bothered by the same things as you. I don't think this is even necessarily about marriage but about the bigger picture.

Dh and I were desperate to get married. It was important to both of us. He talked to my older dd from apprevious relationship about it and swore her to secrecy ! He wanted to make sure she was happy too. When he proposed he took me to the bench where we sat in our very first date and pulled out a beautiful ring he'd spent the whole day a week before choosing. It was worth 3 months of his salary. He'd saved hard.

We are very happy. smile

In contrast to my ex who was much like your dp.. I proposed to my ex. We got married but his heart was never really into it all. Or the relationship. He walked outon me 2 years later.

Fairylea Sat 14-Sep-13 07:02:29

By the way I'm not saying I'm happy because it was an expensive ring! Just the fact he'd worked so hard to save and do everything "right" and traditionally. That's what we both wanted.

Loopytiles Sat 14-Sep-13 07:16:20

If you want DC (especially if more than one) and want to be married (legal protection for you and DC) it's important to establish whether this is a realistic prospect with your current P.If it's not, then the longer you spend with him, the more time you're not out there focusing on your own life and looking for someone else!

I know a few men who didn't initially get the fertility thing, but did when it was explained to them clearly! Also a couple of women who wasted a long time with men who had no intention of marriage/DC, and the women have no DC as a result (the men do, with other, younger women).

ChasedByBees Sat 14-Sep-13 07:18:10

^ "The good and ready comment - he is really not a sexist arse at all - he is someone who considers all decisions very carefully." ^

But he's already said he wants to marry you. What decision is left to consider so carefully?

Really sounds as though he's putting you in your place tbh and emphasising that it's his decision and not to be initiated by you.

^ ^ this. I don't get the good and ready comment, it does sound arrogant. You've effectively already proposed, he says he wants to marry you... But then he also doesn't because he'll propose (I.e. tell you when you can progress with your relationship) when he's ready. What is he waiting for? I wouldn't have been able to rest with that explanation.

I had to explain to my DH that we wanted kids and so we needed to start trying when i was 33. My reasoning was if there were problems, I think fertility help is limited in some areas to women under 35 and you have to have been trying for a year before they'll consider investigating things. Also the fertility drops massively after 35. I don't think this is one where you can just wait indefinitely.

flowery Sat 14-Sep-13 07:20:54

Do you know what? If you've known someone 5 years, been in a relationship with them for two and living together for a year and a half and still don't know whether you want to be with them for the rest of your life, that surely means you don't, doesn't it? I mean, if you're not sure after all that time you never will be.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 14-Sep-13 07:38:39

How long ago was it that you said 'DP, let's get married' and he said 'When I'm good & ready'? Also, what was his body language/tone of voice when he said it?

You have told him what you want, I'd give it 6 months after that (or a bit longer if I thought he had something in mind - like Christmas/Birthday/Holiday) - then tell him that my time frame & his are clearly different for this and it's time to go our own ways as I have a life to be getting on with which includes marriage & children and he's seemingly not on board with that.

The reason I'd give it 6 months to allow him to propose in the 'Traditional Way' is because men are actually allowed to have held thoughts about how they'd like to do this as much as women are allowed to have held thoughts about their wedding day. Yes, it's a little bit old fashioned, but some of the nicest things in life are smile

Ememem84 Sat 14-Sep-13 07:45:25

My dh and I have been married for 2 years. He surprise proposed to me one evening about 3 years ago. He'd known it was what he wanted to do and secretly bought a ring and had apparently carried it about with him for a while. I had no idea. But he said he'd known for ages but needed it to be right.

SuperiorCat Sat 14-Sep-13 07:49:39

I find all these comments about traditional and old fashioned depressingly sexist. Women are not possessions whose parents have to be asked permission nor need to wear an engagement ring as a mark of ownership.

It is not romantic to wait for your life partner to have carte blanche over how and where and when major life decisions can take place. It is controlling.

hillian Sat 14-Sep-13 07:55:22

I was in a very similar situation and we are now married (12 years) with children.

However I was ready to get married a good 8 months before he was and that still rankles with each of us today.

First thing I did was have the conversation you've just had. Then I waited and a couple of perfect occasions for him to propose came and went. sad

It was obvious that it wasn't really at the forefront of his thoughts and I began to think I'd made a mistake. It was making me miserable thinking we would have to split up.
I was also fairly angry with him for being such an idiot.

Finally I privately decided that Id wait until Valentines Day and ask him but I knew that my respect for him would be diminished if I ended up having to do that.
In the end he asked me before Christmas and we married a few months later.
It still sometimes comes up though when we argue that I didn't trust him enough to be patient.

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 08:02:36

Are you sure you understand marriage and want to enter into a marriage contract?

SGB's post is a good one.

This dynamic I agree is depressingly sexist and I think unlikely to form the basis of a marriage that ultimately makes any woman happy. When he is good and ready? You think he is traditional? Red flags...

cakeandcustard Sat 14-Sep-13 08:07:34

My DH took a long time to propose, it turns out he'd had an idea in his head of the perfect way and location and he wanted everything right (organised a holiday etc) before he did it. TBH I wasn't entirely bothered how he did it and got very frustrated with all the hanging around but it was quite romantic when he finally got round to it smile

Have you got the feeling that he's leading you on or do you think he's in it for the long haul? Can you not think about conceiving without being married (we did wink )I think its the kids issue that's more pressing than a wedding, if you talk to him seriously about this and he's dithering that would be more of a deal breaker for me.

You won't like me for saying this, but from what I have observed among my friends, the men who were in no hurry to get married were in no hurry because the partner they were with wasn't 'the one'. A fair few broke up with long term partners, and were married almost immediately to the next girlfriend.

My DH was a case in point. He was with his previous gf for 5 years. Eventually she left him because he wouldn't commit to marriage. He started dating me a few months later and proposed within 6 months. I'm nothing special, I was just his idea of 'the one'. His ex still hates my guts.

If I were you I'd move on. If you are the one he'll come running after you with a ring. Don't waste your life.

GrandstandingBlueTit Sat 14-Sep-13 08:30:56

The 'good and ready' comment is awful. And paints him in a really bad light.

Maybe my DH and I were overly star-struck or something (depressing, if that is the case), but we both knew straight away and were of the same mind at the same time. We were also friends before getting together and he joke proposed to me before we even got together.

You know what they say - listen to a person when they tell you about themselves. He's telling you about himself.

Don't you want to be with someone who really wants to be with you, and knows and openly admits they want to be with you?

Twattergy Sat 14-Sep-13 09:54:46

OP you say your partner takes time to make decisions and does so carefully. Everyone else says he's Taking the piss, however as someone with a similar type of partner, I don't think he is. we got engaged 2.5 years after meeting. He spent a lot of time planning his proposal (started looking at rings in new year, proposed in July) and caught me by surprise. If you both want to spend your lives together then fine, wait. If there is a niggle you have about his seriousness towards you, then discuss it now, don't let it make you unhappy.

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