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How long do I wait for DP to propose?

(145 Posts)
HoldingBreathandCountingtoTen Fri 13-Sep-13 20:06:22

Been with DP over 2 years, known each other for 5 years as friends. Lived together over a year and a half now. We are both early 30s. We are very happy.

I want to get married. To DP. I am just SO ready. I have told DP I want to marry him, said DP let's get married. He said he wants to get married to me but will propose "as and when he is good and ready". So he is not ready yet.

I don't want to twist his arm into anything, any proposal needs to be his own free choice. But how long should I wait? I don't want to waste my 30s child bearing years with a man who is never going to marry me. At what point would you draw that conclusion and walk away?

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 20:09:27

Did he actually say "as and when he is good and ready"?

Do you know what will constitute "being ready"? Anything from "he hasn't actually made his mind up" to "he's got something planned for your next holiday"

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 20:10:25

Have you got a mortgage together?

Do you know if he wants kids?

Branleuse Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:06

er, i wouldnt. If you love him and want to marry him, why would you walk away ever? Not much of a basis for a marriage

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:34

why don't you propose to him?

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:12:27

I don't understand this, truly. (And I'm not getting at you because it's amazingly common). But haven't we moved on from the notion of "the man get's to choose when/if we get married"?

Propose to him. If he wants to marry you, he'll say yes. If he says that he ought to be the one doing the proposing then then he's stuck in the 1800s and you should consider whether you want to marry him at all.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 20:13:01

It really depends if he is just waiting for the right moment to propose
un-prompted by you, or whether he really doesn't want to marry you.

Given your age, at 2 years it would ultimatum time for me.

If doesn't want to marry you then he needs to do the decent thing & let you find someone else while you can still have kids.

I know 2 guys, one of whom is my cousin, who wasted the childbearing years of their gfs before ending it, marrying & having kids with someone else. Don't let yourself be one of those women.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:13:28

Sorry for my awful grammar blush

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:13:35

No time limit

night1971 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:14:18

Two years is plenty of time to know. Plus you have lived together for long enough.

All but one of the "long term living together" relationships I remember in my youth floundered with only one marriage. Men went on to marry others.

Was madly in love with some shit in my 30s waiting in vain for a ring. If I hadn't issued ultimatum, would still be waiting. We split up. He has never married. I now have lovely happy life and would issue ultimatum again -even earlier in fact! Looking back, I now feel used. He had everything he wanted and I didn't.

You know pretty soon if you are right for each other, I think. One of the best marriages I know was after 6 weeks, another 5 months.

You have every right to ask him and be certain of your future.

What difference do you think it will make to your relationship?

What difference does he think it will make to your relationship?

When we were getting married, someone told us that being married was like before you're married "but with better plates". If anyone is expecting a piece of paper to change the foundations of your relationship - as opposed to the public perception of your relationship - then they've missed the point.

If a wedding is a deal breaker, propose to him.

Fairenuff Fri 13-Sep-13 20:15:21

So if he never wants to get married, you will leave him? Hardly the love of your life then is he.

Lweji Fri 13-Sep-13 20:16:43

When have you had the conversation?

You may tell him that you think that after all this time he should know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life and have children with you or not, and that are not willing to wait forever for him to be ready.

Personally, after about 6 months I'd ask him for a definitive answer.

If he said he wants to get married, and he really means it, a proposal should be done soon. Or just not at all.
You could just plan the wedding.
After all you have proposed and, apparently, he has said yes.

Or he doesn't actually mean it.

Corygal Fri 13-Sep-13 20:19:09

Well, hmmmm. I sympathise with you. I know people who have blown their chances by hanging round with the wrong man, and also those who hung on for seven years and finally got a proposal.

The key to this - inasmuch as there is one - is to acknowledge that if DP is thinking of himself, then so must you. That means keep your options open as much as possible. I'm not suggesting affairs with other people, but I am urging you to keep going out in mixed groups, keep your own life as a person rather than half a couple very much alive, and don't do things like Xmas and big family occasions as a couple.

You could also try talking to him. No one is allowed to be asked about their 'intentions' a la Jane Austen these days, and it's a darn shame. But you can ask whether he a) believes in marriage b) wants children c) wants marriage for himself before he hits middle age.

And put your own needs foremost in this conversation. Explain that you want children before you need fertility treatment, that you don't want to end up in a partnership rather than a marriage, and that your children will be born to married parents (assuming that's what you want).

No man ever went off a woman he loved because she asked for something reasonable - bear this in mind if you need to be tough.

If he dickers, leave it a bit. Then think about booting him out for a while so he can make his mind up.

defineme Fri 13-Sep-13 20:19:32

I really don't understand. Most couples I know just decided to get married together. Why does he have to propose-you've already asked him?
Massive proposals seem to happen in films, I don't know anyone

'As and when I'm good and ready' makes him sound like a complete cock to be honest...does he like to be in charge/control?
Or is he just with you until something better comes along?

Why can't you just say what you've said here...to him?

YoureBeingADick Fri 13-Sep-13 20:21:31

you have agreed you are going to get married? in my world that's you engaged- you just need to set a date now.

all this bollocks about being 'officially' engaged when you knew long beforehand you were getting married does my head in. if you've agreed to get married you are engaged. don't even get me started on the 'proposal' having to come from the man. how do lesbians ever get round to it? wink

flowery Fri 13-Sep-13 20:22:11

"He said he wants to get married to me"

No need for a proposal then surely? You want to marry him, he's said he wants to marry you. Discussion should be therefore about when not if.

PTFO Fri 13-Sep-13 20:22:30

I waited 4 years, I knew after 1 year and starting waiting to be asked after 2. But I was only 21 when we met so time was on my side and I knew it would come but when he was ready. But it was about HIM being ready.

You cant make him. I would have a convo about the future and kids and concerned about your age re having a family. Its a very fair point. Is he serious or is he still not sure...make it clear he cant lead you on.

however the more you go on about it the more pressure he will feel and more likely back off...

I cant tell you what to do, only you know what your willing to do.

How would he feel if you got a job overseas, would he follow you, beg you to stay or let you go??

flowery Fri 13-Sep-13 20:22:52

X posts with youre

Fairenuff Fri 13-Sep-13 20:28:39

That's a good point. Technically you are already engaged. 'As and when I am ready' is a very quick backtrack. I don't think he want to marry you.

cantthinkofagoodone Fri 13-Sep-13 20:32:42

I would just be honest as you need to be on the same page. A lot of men don't think about things like it taking 6 months to plan a wedding so just say, DP, I want sprogs and to be married, pref to you before we have them so if you are wanting to get married and also have sprogs can we get engaged soonish?

HRHLadyG Fri 13-Sep-13 20:40:36

He doesn't really have a reason to propose when you're already living with him. Men don't like to feel pressured but he may need to feel that he could lose you. Don't mention marriage anymore, be bright and busy....more socialising without him....all done very nicely! I'd set myself a mental deadline... 6 months and in the meantime get on with enjoying my life.
Its not wise to keep your life on hold if marriage and babies are what you want.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 13-Sep-13 20:44:40

He said he wants to get married to me but will propose "as and when he is good and ready".

He's a controlling, sexist twerp.

Move on.

PTFO Fri 13-Sep-13 20:51:16

I like what HRHLady said. I also agree that when they realise that they may lose you the panic sets in and they start to think.

Marriage is important if you are planning to have DC from a legal viewpoint. Marriage is a legal matter above all. If you are not yet anxious about starting a family, you could perhaps wait a bit longer but a man who has told you that he will propose when he's 'ready' is, as JYP says, controlling and sexist. He doesn't particularly want to marry you, and considers you a 'will do for now' partner, for one thing - he's still hoping Angelina Jolie will suddenly stroll down the road or something. Also, because he knows you would like to get married, he can now hold The Proposal over your head like a dog treat indefinitely. He wants you to do something, or put up with something? He will hint that he's about to propose. He wants to punish you for something or get you to scurry round frantically trying to placate him? He will say that he was just about to propose, but you 'spoiled it' by disagreeing with him over something, burning dinner or talking to a friend instead of him at a social event.
You'd be happier without him.

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