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Weird flirting situation, feel hypnotised by it

(75 Posts)
InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 17:13:24

NC sorry, embarrassed by this.

I made a complaint and went through to the wrong person (I’m a client). I was really outraged from Tunbridge Wells at the time, but we strangely bonded and I'm finding it really difficult. He’s one of those people who are soothing and mesmeric.

Over time it turned flirtatious and he persuaded me to see him, and said that he would waive the fee. The meeting was fine although I got stressed as I couldn’t focus and left abruptly. I think the genuine things he did which might make me think that he likes me were that he did get upset when I said I was leaning on him too much, but he said he wanted me to, and I could; he then asked me what I was doing next and I said I was seeing friends and he said ‘oh, I see’ in a disappointed voice, he followed me when I left and called after me and asked when he would hear from me again, I turned around and for a few seconds he either looked angry or upset.

A while after the meeting I phoned him and asked if I should see him again. He said it was up to me and sounded much more neutral than before. We agreed to meet up but I didn't go.

We’re both single, we have talked about personal matters, because sometimes I let my guard down and can’t help it, but I never let it progress beyond a few sentences and try to become brisk again. I feel angry about the complaint and get tetchy about progressing it because it’s got a bit muddled.

So, as I see it:
-We’re both attracted to each other, but perhaps only on a basic level on his side – he might revel in the attention
-I want a resolution to the complaint (it’s a fairly minor one but I feel strongly about it) but can't detach now, it's so frustrating
-I could theoretically try to be a bit more charming and get him to do what I want (he’s already said he will but I feel like that would be unethical – and I’m not charming!)
-He could be manipulating me to stop my complaint
-Or am I manipulating him?
-I can’t tell him I like him because I would find that mortifying

Head’s in a spin.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:49:31

Alanna I didn't specify, i said the situation was legal and it was a third party! And that also I spoke to him first (there was a bit of confusion as I said I had a complaint, I got put through to the wrong person).

I'm definitely obsessing. Not harassing in that I send him homemade cards every week decorated with sequins and feathers, but I get confused about him asking to meet and asking me to phone, and telling me personal stories. Then I think 'but am I not a pain?'. I do feel genuinely attracted to him.

I think I really will put it in writing from now on.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:42:12

I don't know if you're harassing him (would you tell us if you were) but I think you're obsessing over him. That's not good for you. At all.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:40:18

I don't think the big boss of a law firm would suggest you meet him at his office so he could carry on flirting with you in person. I think, if that was his intention, he'd have suggested a lunch/drinks meeting or something - and passed the matter to a junior colleague to deal with in the meantime.

(Although, I don't think the boss of a law firm would do even this much - but it's a strange world, I suppose).

I think you've misread this and have seen what you wanted to see.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:39:48

Chub he's had a hard time. he's told me about his personal circumstances. I've had a hard time. He has offered to help me in a way which might be less time and hassle. Ethics are a slight issue for me... I like him. He might like me or just like the control/attention.

Who is harassing who? I don't understand it at all. Am I harassing him?

I'll get the complaint done but thank you very much to all who gave me advice, whether I liked hearing it or not! I'll try to move on now so might not come back but I really appreciate it.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:29:57

No I think you've misread that. I really do.

And if you haven't you need to complain about him

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:28:43

Chub he suggested coming to see him and I hesitated (as we had been flirting) and he said he'd waive the fee if I did. Not in a lechy way, as an advantage.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:27:19

JetSet it's a fee for services! (no not THOSE type...)

Alanna! He suggested the broom closet, I countered with the kitchen...far more classy. Far less cluttering. Far more space. Wait...wrong answer.

Seriously though he's the big boss, doesn't deal with this type of thing, I think I have decided to just try to grit my teeth, hope I'm not harassing him and see him one more time and get the complaint over with as he HAS said he will do the things I want. Then I can shut up about it and try to move on with getting the meta complaint sorted. This is so stressful.

TheLightPassenger Fri 13-Sep-13 21:26:59

I still can't quite figure out whether this guy is dodgy and unprofessional as hell or whether there has been a massive misunderstanding, but this situation seems massively unhealthy for you, inane, and I think attempting to "charm" or "manipulate" it will only make it even more of a headfuck.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:24:30

Dud he say he would waive the fee like he was doing you a favour or did the conversation go:

Him "please come in and see me so we can talk about this"
You "oh um I don't know, will you charge me?"
Him "no don't worry there's no fee"

I'm guessing really it was the latter.

JetSetWilly Fri 13-Sep-13 21:20:43

How can he waive a fee for a meeting to resolve a complaint? Eh?

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:20:16

OK. I see.

Are you sure he's qualified to help you then? It's not that you need a solicitor, got passed on to the cleaner accidentally & he said, "Pfff...I'll sort it out and you don't even need to pay me. Wink, wink"?

I'm joking, but maybe he doesn't see clients because he's not qualified to do so and/or it's not his job. In which case, this gets dodgier.

I think Chub is right. It seems likely that you've misread his intentions.

It would help if you explained whether he wanted you to come and meet him in his office (cleaning cupboard) or down the local pub. This would tell us a lot.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:14:23

Alanna, hah! There's a fee for firm services, he told me I wouldn't pay if I saw him.

Light, no, I really do feel a bit weird about him. I lose all sense of reason around him and can't concentrate, I do find him hypnotic. Not had it before so it's weird.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:14:03

If its a law firm write to the senior partner. If he is the senior partner refer to the ombudsman. If you are so uncomfortable you can't deal with him deal with someone else.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:12:28

But I can't either - I don't know if he's taken it over inappropriately or if I should continue to deal with him. I'm trying to say that I get so het up about complaining anyway then having these sort of complications, entirely unexpectedly, is doing my head in. And not knowing the system and whether he's doing me a huge favour which he shouldn't be, or whether he's playing me a little.

I feel attached to him now though.

Thank you anyway, I've had a few head slaps and everything which does make me focus more on getting the DAMN COMPLAINT out of the way which is the most important thing. I will do The Complaint.

TheLightPassenger Fri 13-Sep-13 21:10:06

Your gut instinct is this is weird and you feel hypnotised. Which doesn't sound like the stuff of a potentially great new relationship... Therefore metaphorically run for the hills - either try and get the complaint transferred to a more appropriate person, or correspond in writing only regarding the complaint.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:09:04

Chub he doesn't deal with clients

So where does all this "waiving the fee" come from then? He has a fee structure in place for non-existent clients?

Where did you meet him? In a pub or in his office?

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:05:15

Without the context in which all this is occurring I can't fathom it out. I really can't.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:03:56

Chub he doesn't deal with clients - he told me I was his first and he found it weird as well!

We had ONE extremely flirtatious conversation a few months back and he asked me, during that call, to meet him. So we met.

Last time we spoke he told me a few very personal things and I was a bit thrown by that and after that I guess, in effect, stood him up the last time I was supposed to meet him. So what I'm trying to say is that it's not entirely neutral, i don't think he bangs his head against a brick wall after our every phone call, however he might just like the attention (I think he might be a bit lonely).

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:55:42

When he asks you what you want etc I don't think he means regarding this grand passion you have imagined. He means regarding the issue he is trying to deal with for you. I'm certain of it.

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 20:50:50

Yes, as I said earlier, he's probably wondering why the hell this has been going on for so long and wants to get it over with.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:47:43

As a solicitor dealing with a sensitive area of practice I often reassure clients they shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm not trying to get in their pants when I do this and it's not because I want to be their BFF. It's because I need them to impart info to me which I will have heard a thousand times before, and which holds no shock value for me at all.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:44:28

Look do you think you are mistaking professional concern (full attention, personal care etc sound like things I say to clients and I certainly don't have designs on any of them)? I find it really strange that your complaint is misdirected, someone offers to deal with it anyway and then hits on you.

Sometimes in organisations things do end up in the wrong place officially but by then the client has gone round and round the houses and the complaint is in danger of escalating. There are times that happens when a professional may decide to take ownership of the problem to endure it gets dealt with. Offering to meet with you - surely this was just at the office?

Either

He's a massive creep

Or

You are massively misunderstanding the situation and probably freaking him out.

Which do you think it is?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 20:33:06

Alanna i tried to go somewhere else then broke down in tears because it's not correct...this was last year. I really want it corrected then I can move everything somewhere else. It's quite intensely personal and legal. He waived the fee for me seeing him.

Actually you'd probably all shout at me if I could elaborate on it. Things being what they are though I will try to do it in writing, THEN I can move on, if it's right. I feel a bit attached to him though.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:21:14

Sorry, really sorry - but your posts ARE really peculiar. You made a complaint which went through to the wrong person, who persuaded you to see him & he'd waive the fee??? Since when do you have to pay a fee to complain about something?

Unless you're talking about someone that is, or will be, acting on your behalf while pursuing the claim? In which case, it's highly unethical and he must be some kind of sleezebag for leading you on like this. Why give headroom to a sleezebag?

If you are struggling to forward the complain because it's become befuddled by all the "flirting", ask to be referred elsewhere & pay a professional to do their job properly.

Either that or drop the whole thing and get on with your life.

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 20:18:53

Just stop talking about personal things. You said that you went through to the wrong person when you made a complaint. So get through to the right person and make your complaint and/or put it in writing - once you know precisely who you should be addressing - be businesslike and get it resolved.

You said it's been a year. That's ludicrous isn't it?
I think you should, if possible, avoid dealing with this man, since he wasn't the right person to talk to in the first place and just get the complaint and its resolution over and done with.

Then get on with your life.

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