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I told her

(462 Posts)
Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:21

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 11:33:50

He is a disgusting human being, uses people and I hope he gets his comeuppance one day.

Buzzardbird Fri 20-Sep-13 11:18:36

Of course you are suffering. Just because were the OW it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. It will take you just as long to get over him as it would if you were not in an adulterous relationship...it was still a 'relationship' to you.
You know you did wrong, you don't need to be told that and I am pretty sure you won't fall for this sort of twat again.
He was the one doing the dirty on his wife and I don't blame you for wanting some revenge, it is just a shame you gave in to those feelings. He deserves everything he gets, don't lose a second worrying about him ( I'm sure you do a little bit?)
Move on and try and forget about it, you can't do anything now. Try to broaden your horizons and meet some different people.
You are not a mass murderer ( as far as I know) people have affairs, it in not rare. It might have worked if he had been a good person, he wasn't.
I wish you happiness in the future.

FavoriteThings Fri 20-Sep-13 11:18:06

Glad about all of the above.

Justwakingup Fri 20-Sep-13 11:03:20

Whatever anyone may think, this thread has helped me.

I wont start another, one because I think it would be obvious that it is me, and two because this is what happened, I have to accept that and I cant get over something unless I own it in full.

Even the replies putting the boot in help me. I deserve everything that is said to me.

I am slowly starting to get my head around what has happened. I regret telling her and hope that she actually doesnt know. He is a twat of the highest order and I will feel sad for her for the rest of my life, knowing that I had a part in making her life shit. I hope that one day she leaves him and finds happiness with someone who will actually respect her and love her.

Despite what many may thing about me, I hope that I am a good person who did a bad thing (ok, a series of bad things)

'make decisions that make you proud'

I like that one. I like to think that my head is a little clearer now and that I will be able to do that.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post on here, because I probably wouldnt have got through this week without you.

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 06:01:54

I have never said anything to hurt OP. There is only one person I can control, and that is myself.

OP, I think like everyone else in this sorry awful mess you had absolutely NO idea how devastatingly hurtful affairs are.

You can only know it when you are in it. They are that sh*t.

When those fucktard lefty archbishops are bleating on about the NHS and welfare etc, and then wondering why they are getting increasingly irrelevant ...

dont' you think they should be talking to us about THIS stuff? This personal and spiritual growth stuff? I think as a culture we are getting dangerously self-indulgent and morally relativistic which as it always has, brings a lot of pain. Our teenagers are the most depressed in the world!

perfectstorm Thu 19-Sep-13 21:52:46

OP, please listen to Pagwatch. Namechange and start a thread for support, if you want it, that won't be so triggery for so many. This thread won't be good for you. Honestly I don't think anything that keeps the hamster wheel of this going for you will be.

As to those saying the NHS shouldn't offer help... erm, what? Is it really so hard to imagine that people making choices which hurt themselves and others may also be struggling with patterns of mind and perhaps actual illnesses that mean they are more likely to make those bad choices? She's not killed anyone. She's not even the main person to blame in this whole mess. I was fuming when I first read it as well, but cut her some slack. Everyone deserves NHS help when very low. There's not a moral test to be applied first - and frankly if there were, and it covered all our lives, I'm not sure how many would pass it.

FavoriteThings Thu 19-Sep-13 20:44:35

I know she feels that she has to reply. But you dont op. [hugs] In fact dont, only if you want to, and it helps you.

mignonette Thu 19-Sep-13 19:51:59

Merlin

I didn't let it make me cynical or untrusting either and went on to develop great happiness in a relationship w/ a man who I just know will not do this to me. I had time on my own to reflect and heal and feel this helped me create a better relationship this time. I knew what i wanted and i looked for kindness.

I wish you well and Practicality great post too.

Bedtime1 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:33:16

Practicality - I like your post. It is not a score for you to settle good words. It's difficult when angry I'd want to settle it with him.!

practicality Thu 19-Sep-13 18:19:26

I was the 'wronged' wife over ten years ago. It took me a long time to get over it and to trust again as I had no idea(I was green, straight out of college and only had really great relationships up to that point). The other woman knew me and that I was pregnant with my second child. It all came out when my son was 5 months old ( I left and divorced him). I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, it was my XH who had broken his vows and it was down to him that he chose this path, not her.

I don't hold with this bullshit that there are sirens who tempt good men away. The men who do this are opportunists- just not good men. Simple. Same for women who go down this route when married. Not always, but most of the time they're just selfish shits.

I can though understand the hurt the O.P. is going through and the fierce injustice she feels. It was still a very real relationship for her and she has obviously invested emotionally. It's the angry phase now. It will pass. Just don't act on the anger or it will consume you. Life has a way of catching up with those who are dishonest and hurtful- it is not a score for you to settle.

Bedtime1 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:16:19

I get that you are sad over this man you loved etc eg can't eat, sleep! In some ways you might be the injured party of this awful man but I don't get why you would be so mean to the wife who will be suffering more than any of you. It's just in bad taste to tell her when you are one of the women he has been having an affair with. I agree she should be told but you were the wrong person to tell her! That's rubbing it in and you did say you only told her to revenge her husband which is plain cruel and only thinking of yourself .

merlincat Thu 19-Sep-13 18:13:44

Thanks. The only firm decision I've made is that this sorry business will not define me. I will not lose faith in my fellow man, or woman (with one obvious exception).

Bedtime1 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:06:26

You didn't tell her for the right reasons. You told her because you were mad at her husband ! Why direct your anger at her and not him ? What has she done wrong ? Not only did he have you on the side but he also had other women too. Think about her she's his wife and now probably has an std.

mignonette Thu 19-Sep-13 17:57:25

Listen to Merlin cat OP. There are people on here w/ their own vindictive agendas yet Merlin is not one of them despite having every reason to be.

And Merlin you also have my heartfelt regards. I have been there too and the pain will ebb. It just takes time.

lunar1 Thu 19-Sep-13 17:36:17

If the nhs turned away every body who made a questionable decision there would be more staff than patients. We all make decisions that could risk our physical or mental health, the nhs has to treat everybody not the select few deemed worthy.

The op made a poor choice, she didn't kill anyone fgs.

merlincat Thu 19-Sep-13 17:29:25

Op, I have just been shat on from a great height by my cheating 'd'h and a 'friend' of mine. It's still raw and I'm hurting like hell ; nothing that has ever happened to me has even come close. So, with my credentials of wronged wife established, I want to tell you to give yourself a break. Please try to calm down. We all do stupid, stupid things but we can all learn to do better.

Please try to forgive yourself and get on with your life. X

KoalaFace Thu 19-Sep-13 17:09:31

This thread makes me sad.

OP has shown in so many different ways that she is struggling and needs support. She's been told to "get counselling" she says she's on waiting lists. She's then told she doesn't deserve NHS counselling.

I've already said at the beginning of the thread that OP has acted selfishly and hope her regret is real. But I didn't carry on with attacking her as its so bloody obvious she's already in pain. What do you want from her now?

Okay OP, I'm concerned for you. I am worried because it seems you have a lot of anger, hurt and very low self worth. Whatever happens from now on try and make every decision in a way that you can be proud of. If you decide the wife needs to know about her husband be honest woth yourself about why you are doing it. If you are concerned about her health or her how his continued affairs could hurt her then do it. As a lot of posters have already said, they would want to be told. But if its for revenge don't do it. It will make you feel ashamed of yourself.

You have the rest of your life to make good decisions. For yourself, for your DC and for the people around you.

Make decisions that make you proud.

And I agree with Pagwatch. This thread is poison for you. There are too many people here who find you and your actions unforgivable. They will never be the support you need.

hogwash Thu 19-Sep-13 16:21:00

I think the problem is that OP has come onto Mumsnet for support. The vast majority of posters are mums & this is about something that will have hurt a family, so it's probably not an entirely appropriate place to be posting as it is going to rile people and OP isn't going to end up getting support. I am sure there are other forums where the focus is less on families that OP could turn to for support,

garlicbaguette Thu 19-Sep-13 15:22:49

Just, I'm really sorry you're getting other people's hatred thrown at you here. I suspect you're not the only poster to this thread who could do with some counselling. I'm going to hide it now, but didn't want to go without sending you a hand-squeeze.

DottyboutDots Thu 19-Sep-13 15:03:57

Some people may be kicking the op, but I object to the phrase 'we' as if posters speak for all of MN. For what it is worth OP I am sorry you are so so sad but you will recover and please start to focus on that. You have dependants and putting them first will help you.

mignonette Thu 19-Sep-13 14:08:25

Exactly White otherwise where would that end?

WhiteandGreen Thu 19-Sep-13 13:58:11

As far as I'm aware the NHS is not there to make moral judgements about who is/is not deserving of care. Thank god!

mignonette Thu 19-Sep-13 13:24:40

Oh please. Having sports related injuries and accidents/DIY fuck ups treated by the NHS is probably more of a drain on resources than counselling the Op and other people w/ similar emotional issues.

Getting a bit daft now. OP maybe time to pull the thread.

Whocansay Thu 19-Sep-13 13:19:02

OP, I wasn't sticking the knife in, I was trying to think from the wife's point of view. She's hardly going to be sympathetic, is she? I think she probably does know, but there are lots of good reasons for her to not acknowledge you.

I'm unclear why you told her at all, if you're now pleased she doesn't know. Your posts indicate that you are enjoying the drama and are disappointed that she hasn't given you a reaction.

And you aren't a victim here. You've done this to yourself, knowingly and willingly.

You may not want to "walk away and forget everything", but that's all you can do at this stage. Unless you want to turn into Glenn Close's character from Fatal Attraction. I think counselling is an excellent idea so you can explore why you let yourself get into this situation in the first place.

practicality Thu 19-Sep-13 13:02:16

She hasn't screwed over the wife. Her ex has screwed over his wife.

She has become embroiled in a very unhealthy relationship. We don't know the O.P's past or any other potentially pertinent aspects to this. That is for a professional to unravel.

If you look at a range of treatments offered by the NHS - you could say a lot of them are preventable,whether through lifestyle choice or otherwise.

At the moment O.P. appears to be grieving over this relationship. A little compassion wouldn't go amiss.

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