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I told her

(462 Posts)
Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:21

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

TheWomanWhoMisplacedHerHusband Fri 13-Sep-13 16:50:48

Are you the op who's MM was seeing someone else?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Sep-13 16:53:17

" I feel so terrible about it"

You acted out of malice & really didn't think this through. All you can do is watch your bridges burning in the rear-view mirror, get on with your own life and raise your standards. The guilt will disappear eventually.

AnitaManeater Fri 13-Sep-13 16:54:47

You can't make things better. Your work here is done I'm afraid. The best thing you can do is keep out of her way, keep a low profile while she tries to piece her life back together.

TalkativeJim Fri 13-Sep-13 16:56:27

Good.

She deserves to know. That's what pretty much everyone on here seems to say when asked if they'd want to be told if it was them.

Hope she dumps the loser.

Good that you regret having the affair.

WhoNickedMyName Fri 13-Sep-13 16:56:38

You can't make things better.

The kindest thing you can do now is leave the poor woman, and her husband, well alone.

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:58:29

TheWoman - yes I am I wanted that thread to drop off the page

I did act out of revenge and I shouldnt have, the reason I made my final decision is that I found out he may have been seeing other women too. I have spent today in the STD clinic.

I feel sick with the whole thing, I am so mixed up my mind is hurting

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:59:48

I regret everything. I know how it feels and she will feel a million times worse, thats why I feel so bad about telling her. I have ruined her life

EsTutMirLeid Fri 13-Sep-13 17:01:10

So you took it upon yourself to let this women know because you felt she deserved to know! What if she'd rather have not known? Not only did you embark on a relationship with her husband (and he too is totally to blame, as you are) but you decided to rub it in by contacting her and letting her know. Stop interfering in other people's marriages.

I speak as someone who the OW contacted about having an affair with her father. The dilemma it put me in, should I tell my mother, should I not? Of course I had to and it destroyed my relationship with both my parents.

Hope you are really proud of yourself.

DragonsAreReal Fri 13-Sep-13 17:01:44

I actually think this was rather spiteful of you. You didn't do it because you wanted her to know for yourself you did it because you wanted to get your revenge on him not leaving her for you.

And I have been under a different nn a very loud voice in support of the OW.

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 17:01:58

I will never know how badly ive ruined it, I will never know if she is OK

LemonDrizzled Fri 13-Sep-13 17:02:49

Just you may have caused her pain but you're not the one who made vows to her or chose to betray her.

Learn from this, move on and try to be a better person. None of us are perfect.

OrmirianResurgam Fri 13-Sep-13 17:02:54

"I have ruined her life"

No you haven't. Her husband did that.

Personally I'd prefer to have been told. Especially if he was seeing other women too. What an arse!!

WhiteandGreen Fri 13-Sep-13 17:03:00

He ruined her life, not you.

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 17:03:22

It wasnt a revenge for him not leaving her, no way, it was because he has been seeing other people too and thought I should disappear whilst he moved on to his next affair

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 13-Sep-13 17:05:46

Have I missed the point, but why did you feel the need to tell her...?

I can just imagine that conversation.

Hi mrs xx sorry to bother you, just a quick call to let you know I've been shagging you DH behind your back. All the times he was late home, or went out early in the morning, that was to get ball deep in me. But do you know what, I feel so bad and guilty that I just had to tell you, to make me feel better and not so guilty.

Oh and I'm everso sorry if I've hurt you. Bye now....

I'd have taken your head off if you'd have rung me angry
It was his marriage, not yours. Yes most people want to know if their OH is playing away, but to have the OW ring up and gloat, no thank you.

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 17:07:21

I most definitely didnt gloat.

Fairenuff Fri 13-Sep-13 17:07:33

No, he has ruined her life. She had a right to know. Telling her was probably the only decent thing you've done. Now she can decide for herself if she wants to stay with him and work on their relationship.

And you have learned from this.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 17:11:25

Yes, I thought you would

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 17:14:21

Im sorry I know people told me not to :-(

Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 17:15:04

I hope she comes round and hits me, I deserve it

SawofftheOW Fri 13-Sep-13 17:15:07

I was told by an anonymous phone call. I thanked god they told me as I was completely in the dark. Yes, the poor woman is in a hellish place now, and so many of us have been there, but at least she knows, irrespective of your motives which you admit are far from admirable.

You say you won't contact her again but what happens if she contacts you, asking for information? 'My' OW ensured I had all the information I could ever need, whether I wanted it or not, sending me unsolicited copies of every one of my DH's emails, texts, FB messages, letters and cards. She did it because she wanted to destroy me to the extent that I could no longer cope (and frankly I was already on my knees) and would give up the fight for my marriage. Not my words, hers.

But there is a huge difference between that utterly malicious action and answering questions honestly if asked. You know he will lie, minimise and paint you/her as the mad women in all this. Frankly, if she does get in touch with you, I think you should confirm that she isn't mad and you are not a liar. You don't need to give the sickening detail of his betrayal of her, but I do believe you should confirm duration if asked. It is what most of us would have wanted who post on here - to know that what we suspect/suspected is indeed true and his attempts to deflect, deny and control the information have been stymied.

Only my opinion and I know many will disagree.

Mojavewonderer Fri 13-Sep-13 17:16:00

I do think she deserved to know what her husband has been up to and who was going to tell her if you didn't? He, I'm positive, wouldn't have! Well whats done is done and if you didn't want to hurt her then you shouldn't have embarked on the affair in the first place so you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
Perhaps you might learn from this experience and steer clear of married men. I really can't see why you go for one anyway as they are far too much hard work than they are worth surely.

PearlJam Fri 13-Sep-13 17:16:38

However you try to justify yourself, revenge was a large part of it - from your other thread.

She did deserve to know the truth ( if she didn't already ), but it is hard to feel you had her best interests at heart.

Did you not think that when he was telling you every day that he loved you, he was probably telling her the exact same thing?

Did you not look ahead to the time you anticipated he would leave her for you and imagine her devastation, pain and hurt?

Did it not cross your mind that a man who would repeatedly lie and cheat on his wife may not be a good prospect as a partner for you?

Did you think he would lie and cheat on her but you were somehow special ?

Life is fucking hard enough without inflicting unnecessary pain on others.

You are lucky enough to have children. Be a good mother. Be a good person, the world needs them.

Keep away from married men.

I may be harsh but you can't post this kind of thing on a public message board and not trigger other people's pain and anger..

IslaValargeone Fri 13-Sep-13 17:19:29

Thought you'd put the boot in a little bit more did you hmm

You feel terrible? Not half as terrible as she must be feeling.

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