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Reaction to men and women on here

(188 Posts)
Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 16:40:52

From reading threads on here, you tend to get differing attitudes, outrage, advice, on similar threads depending on whether its a woman or a man. For example:
Scenario:
On a post about a husband not being keen on sex at the moment. The woman started giving him oral, he wasn't enthused and it didn't go any further.
Responses:
He is a lazy lover/he should have said no/get rid of him.

A similar post where roles are reversed:

Responses:
You didn't say yes/you may have been raped/you shouldn't feel pressured in to sex/you don't owe him anything.

Scenario:
My husband is ignoring me.

Response:
He is withholding communication this is a form of EA. leave him.

Scenario:
Im not talking to my husband. I'm scared he will kick off if I tell him how I feel. (A valid reason for not communicating).

Response:
This is EA, leave him.

Scenario:
I want to leave my husband.

Responses:
Plan/organise/don't tell him/check finances/speak to solicitor, etc.

Scenario:
My husband left me. I've received legal documentation.

Response:
That's awful/it seems premeditated/he's been planning this behind your back.

The above are summaries and just examples. What I really want to know is whether you think if two sides of the same argument wrote in they would get conflicting advice(scenarios like above, not extreme cases)? Whether you would get fairer advice if you were non gender specific in your thread set up? Whether different sexes should get differing advice? Are some people too bitter to give a fair assessment?

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 17:29:41

I always thought "LTB" was a send-up, a bit like pombears or something....

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:40:12

I was just interested whether using 'DP' instead of 'DH or DW' and not divulging whether you are a woman or a man would change reactions to the same scenario.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 17:48:25

treen why do you ask? smile I love a good distraction I've got 70 pages to proofread

but what's motivated you to start this thread today?

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:03:26

Lurking - I was thinking about it from reading many threads. I believe it would make a difference to reaction to a thread. I understand that it is hard to get a definitive answer without a study. I also get why this might happen.
I wondered whether other people observed this? And whether it is right to give advise with gender bias when the majority of relationships are hetero and involve both a woman and a man?

I've decided that personal threads are tricky

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 18:09:21

No shit, Sherlock

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:16:26

I mean tricky if definitive relationship advise is given when only one side of the 'argument'. Especially, life changing advise and advise that is different for women and men for the same scenario.

joblot Fri 13-Sep-13 18:33:09

I love mn. We are grown ups, we chose to post here. I like and have benefited from the tough love responses. I can get vacuous hun responses all day long. I like the edge and the variety of perspectives, even if I disagree. Go elsewhere if it offends you, but for many the hard talking and the pro women starting point many posters have, makes this site unique and valuable

Boomba Fri 13-Sep-13 18:35:54

Oh god...most of the time, it is the man being an arsehole, that's why responses are biased. Its experience and statistics

and, yes there are well known scripts. Its so familiar and predictable for lots of people on here

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:37:08

Job - that's good. I was posing the question. I personally like the site too.

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:40:04

Boomba - I get that. I was looking more at the reading and interpretation of a situation. Whether these 'scripts' blind people from assessing situations.

usualsuspect Fri 13-Sep-13 18:42:48

LTB.

Boomba Fri 13-Sep-13 18:44:18

I don't think they do

i think many people have light bulb moments, thanks to those that know the scripts

there are lots of people blind to the scripts

i think if you haven't experienced these behaviours it is easy to be hmm that these men follow such predictable patterns. I know i was disbelieving

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 18:46:30

usualsuspect grin

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:53:59

Usual - grin

Boomba - but in those scenarios it wouldn't be biased. It's scenarios that can be twisted to create a bias. A bias in the reading of a situation.

Zoe789 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:58:10

I agree with Anniegetyourgun!

I think often women post when they're completely at the end of their tether and if the situations described were reversed, their husbands would have had such a sense of entitlement that comparable situations aren't comparable!

Iyswim.

Boomba Fri 13-Sep-13 19:01:04

Oh ok, i don't see that on here treen

ChangingWoman Fri 13-Sep-13 19:15:39

Situations on Relationships are often extreme (abuse, addiction etc..) and merit a LTB. I don't feel it's overused. Only a fool, a psychopath, or someone with no idea of normal relationships would recommend that anyone stays with a partner in these circumstances.

AIBU is the place for shouting LTB about forgotten anniversaries or toilet seats left up. It isn't meant to be serious there.

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:19:09

Boomba - you have not seen the threads about one partner wanting sex and one not. With the man and woman reversed in each thread. There are ones on EA and leaving partners. Others include the comparison between the responses to postnatal depression and a husband with depression, etc.
I don't think the difference is wrong. Just that there is different rules

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:21:21

Changing - I agree. It's just some. Normally less extreme topics where it happens

MagzFarqharson Fri 13-Sep-13 19:53:00

Right, I was an early poster on one thread where the OP was complaining that her DP or DH was happily accepting blow jobs but 'wasn't in the mood' and didn't want to 'upset' her as she was clearly having Such A Good Time.. I accused him of being lazy.

We don't hear many women on here saying 'oh, my DH keeps going down on me and giving me amazing orgasms when I'm not really in the mood,... how can I get him to stop without seeming ungrateful? Should I LTB?'

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:02:54

Mags - I know but what would the response be. That thread was more concerning about consent and how that was breached.
You don't know if that particular scenario reached climax or he stopped it before. Anyway, I was more interested in the difference in response.

MagzFarqharson Fri 13-Sep-13 20:18:31

Well looking back on it, OP said she judged his reaction. He stroked her hair as she was doing it, I would take that as consent in as much as he was ok about it, even - dare I say - encouraging it?

She then goes on to say.... 'Afterwards, nothing .....', which I took to mean that the deed was done.

Obviously I can't say one way or the other, but it seemed to me that consent was given, if not orally but body-language-wise, and he enjoyed the experience sufficiently to reach orgasm, but then couldn't be arsed reciprocating - the situation that the OP has apparently found herself in for quite a while now.

If as a woman you're not in the mood for sex, you don't stroke your DP's hair while they're 'doing something' to you? Of course not.

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:28:40

Magz - you are funny. I'm glad you are not working for the government advising on rape. Not sure if body language is consent and ever will be.
Do you think that a woman should have sex with man because the man has gone down on her, with out giving legal consent, and if she doesn't she is lazy?

I disagree completely

MagzFarqharson Fri 13-Sep-13 20:42:44

Obviously I, in no way whatsoever, think that a woman should have sex with a man because he has gone down on her, where does that come from?

As for consent, he at no point told her to stop what she was doing, attempted to move away from the situation, physically tried to prevent her continuing - but actively participated by stroking her hair in a, presumably, affectionate and appreciative manner?

There is no indication, in this particular scenario, that the OP forced any unwanted sexual actions on the DP. If she had then this would clearly have been wrong and I would be one of the voices condemning such behaviour.

We'll agree to differ.

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:51:21

Mags - your idea of consent is warped. I don't get it. None of what you have listed is consent. If a girl is frozen and has no air in her lungs and can't say 'no', that is not consent. I think you need to look at the bigger picture for consent. You can't have different consent for different scenarios.

1. is she lazy if she doesn't have sex with him?
2. Should the man leave her for not having sex?
3. Does the man deserves sex?

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