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Reaction to men and women on here

(188 Posts)
Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 16:40:52

From reading threads on here, you tend to get differing attitudes, outrage, advice, on similar threads depending on whether its a woman or a man. For example:
Scenario:
On a post about a husband not being keen on sex at the moment. The woman started giving him oral, he wasn't enthused and it didn't go any further.
Responses:
He is a lazy lover/he should have said no/get rid of him.

A similar post where roles are reversed:

Responses:
You didn't say yes/you may have been raped/you shouldn't feel pressured in to sex/you don't owe him anything.

Scenario:
My husband is ignoring me.

Response:
He is withholding communication this is a form of EA. leave him.

Scenario:
Im not talking to my husband. I'm scared he will kick off if I tell him how I feel. (A valid reason for not communicating).

Response:
This is EA, leave him.

Scenario:
I want to leave my husband.

Responses:
Plan/organise/don't tell him/check finances/speak to solicitor, etc.

Scenario:
My husband left me. I've received legal documentation.

Response:
That's awful/it seems premeditated/he's been planning this behind your back.

The above are summaries and just examples. What I really want to know is whether you think if two sides of the same argument wrote in they would get conflicting advice(scenarios like above, not extreme cases)? Whether you would get fairer advice if you were non gender specific in your thread set up? Whether different sexes should get differing advice? Are some people too bitter to give a fair assessment?

Offred Fri 13-Sep-13 16:46:12

Such is life. I think that mumsnet often gets accused of this and it is often blown out of proportion e.g. Threads are often not comparable and often people focus on the advice they want to see and miss other posters giving different advice but I think we'd all recognise that on a predominantly female advice board the female posters giving advice might have a bias towards women. I don't think the threads are always as straight forward as you make out really and people are obviously going to be suspicious of some men coming here to complain about their wives in case it is a deliberate undermining of their wife's support - that has happened often.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Sep-13 16:47:29

On a predominantly women's forum, there will be a tendency to take sides with the woman. In a message board situation where the situation is being described by one person, of course there won't be two sides to the argument. Also there is a 'herd mentality' knee-jerk thing on message boards.... try saying you support the Conservative Party elsewhere on MN and be sure to be wearing your asbestos knickers. However, there's rarely just one stock opinion about a problem and, even if those voices are in a minority, they will be on the thread.

Offred Fri 13-Sep-13 16:47:43

Wherever you ask for advice always some of it will be ridiculous, biased or unreasonable. Fact is people come here, particularly women but increasingly men, because the advice is good.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Fri 13-Sep-13 16:48:19

People can only comment on the ops perspective though.

We only know what the op feels, how they reacted, their side of the back story of the relationship and can't attribute feelings and thoughts to the other person except in the most general of terms.

Saying that, I have seen multiple times the op has put their side over and people have said they are out of order as well, so the threads aren't always completely bias towards the person who started them.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 16:48:28

You've really been putting some thought into this, haven't you ?

missbopeep Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:12

You won't get any real answers to this- is it some kind of academic exercise?

IMO I find that some people here use it to vent their own experiences and are not remotely impartial.. There is a lot of pseudo-psycho babble from people who think they are qualified in psychology or counselling just because they have read a few books on these.

Having said that, there are some words of wisdom sometimes.

BeCool Fri 13-Sep-13 16:57:30

man leaves woman
woman leaves man
There are always going to be ooodles of differences in each of the above scenarios OTHER THAN the gender roles. This will affect responses.

There are more women on MN than men - who are likely to empathise with women better than men.

Re the Script - wise women here KNOW about the script (when H is cheating on W). They know it and I've read so many threads when the OP declares there's no way he cheating, to come back days later to declare you are right, he's been cheating for months/years. It is not the fault of the MN Massive that men are so predictable, and that their behaviour in certain situations is so McD's and can be ticked off a friggin chart!

You will often find the exact opposite of your stereotypical examples happening on MN too.

Such is life.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Fri 13-Sep-13 16:58:32

Meh. Primarily women on here. They are going to " stick up " for other women. Often, but not always, for immediately apparent reasons.

Having said that, some quite jaw dropping examples of double standards pop up. grin, I quite enjoyed the " if he's not having sex with you, he's being EA.....If you're not having sex with him, it's because he's being EA"

Chuckle and move on, OP.

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:01:44

I agree many words of wisdom. It's hard to be totally impartial. I get that a great deal of thread posters are looking for a hug and reassurance which does shape a lot of responses.
I think I find it funny that there are people that are so bitter. All they write is LTB. It's like a game of Sims to them. They think they are Jeremy Kyle (one of them is on the thread).
I think the more general threads are better for advice.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 17:05:08

grin

I see your point, noticed a bit of it from time to time but generally people do give helpful advice, with a bit of care thrown in to soften the blow at times.

Boosterseat Fri 13-Sep-13 17:12:30

People are bitter because they learnt the hard way, years of shitty/abusive/disrespectful behavior can do that to a person. Thinking bitter posters are "funny" seems cruel as it may not be clear what the poster has experienced which will shape their view.

Hopefully the OPs will consider all advice and opinions and find something which resonates with their own situation.

You will of course encounter the trolls who cant stand to see anyone else happy but i believe the experience, kindness and humanity shown on MN outweighs the trolling by a country mile!

^Scenario:
On a post about a husband not being keen on sex at the moment. The woman started giving him oral, he wasn't enthused and it didn't go any further.
Responses:
He is a lazy lover/he should have said no/get rid of him.

A similar post where roles are reversed:

Responses:
You didn't say yes/you may have been raped/you shouldn't feel pressured in to sex/you don't owe him anything.^

If this example relates to the poster who cried whilst her partner continued to get his kicks, then I'm sorry i disagree with you. Not taking an interest in a blowjob is not the same as someone being coerced into sexual activity which then proceeded to make them cry.

KidFromVault101 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:12:50

I love the question finale to the original post, I read it with ever more dramatic music and a booming serious voice.

Are they too bitter, OP, ARE THEY???

Anniegetyourgun Fri 13-Sep-13 17:13:43

You find it funny that there are people that are so bitter? Have you paused to wonder why they became bitter? Because they had hideous experiences that embittered them, that's why. Hilarious. You may not agree with such posters but the least you can do is to sympathise a little bit with their point of view.

KidFromVault101 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:17:29

Is that to me?!?

I find it amusing the OP trots out woman-hating phrases such as bitterness to dismiss the opinions of people who are experienced.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 17:18:08

normally if i'm reading a thread I look at the posts and regardless of whether the poster is male/female I think

1. some absolute "fuck that dude knows their shit" gems

2. some useful observations, often someone who has gone though the same situation/relationship dynamics so I find that really useful - as in no analysis, just someone saying "this happened to me and this is what I found" is good. i don't really want to emulate my mothers life path, so its good reading stuff from sorted women older than me.

3. some fairly irrelevant ones

4. someone with a clear axe to grind about ????? or a point to make about something who just wants to pursue this argument (men are good, women are bad, women are bad, men are good, I am good and better than you losers, blah blah blah....)

5. some totally "out there" comments which make me grin THERE ARE SOME VERY FUNNY AND WITTY WOMEN ON HERE

KidFromVault101 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:18:54

Of course I could take it seriously, but you know, meh.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 17:20:15

personally I like that Mumsnet is a mainly female space, it's why I come here?

love the good manly men in my life, but also like the idea of "gendered spaces" (is that the right term?)

if I'm on a night out with my sportsmates and then someone's boyfriend comes along its like confusedhmm

its a bit weird assuming that just because "someone is a man posting" he represents ALL men or can speak for all men, but often he takes on or is given that role? but IRL no man I know uses internet forums or anything like that (unless they're for some really specialised hobby or football).

DC's board at single sex places.

The man I'm on half a promise to works in a very male dominated profession - we were an item last year. I liked and found in very attractive that he had his own stuff that he could "just do with his dad and colleagues"

(which of course I wouldn't dream of wanting to be involved in).

Treen44444 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:20:23

Kid - it's hard to say. You would have to know them in real life.
Annie - I meant 'funny' as in 'weird'. Like 'the weather is funny today. I do have sympathy. Why not use their experience to help(not in all cases). Instead of just saying LTB.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 17:26:31

Is there an equivalent to Mumsnet that is as popular? I think there should be a "space" for men (delighted the DS has developed sporting interests and solid male friendships).

BeCool Fri 13-Sep-13 17:27:28

How many times do people just say "LTB" though? When other posters aren't saying the same thing in a longer/more eloquent way? I don't think it's that common at all.

I do see a few humorous LTB's but I don't' think that is what the OP means.

BeCool Fri 13-Sep-13 17:28:39

I agree Lorna though surely they can sort that out themselves?
Do I have to do everything etc etc etc? grin

Lovingfreedom Fri 13-Sep-13 17:28:45

I say LTB because someone said it to me once on this site and it's the best advice I've ever had. But if you're not with a B in the first place, then I wouldn't recommend LT...unless you want to LT for some other reason in which case, do.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 13-Sep-13 17:29:05

Depressingly often, though, LTB is the best course.

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