Up until the last week in July I was happily married for 20 years with 2 children, I had just started a new job and things where rosy. Then after having sex with my wife she decided to tell me she had been having a 'fling' with a man from work, to say it was a shock is an understatement.
She asked me to forgive her for her 'silly little mistake' but I couldn't and she has moved out into her own place and we are sharing the child care.
She is know calling the affair an arrangement that they set up to have sex behind their partners back and she is not sure what but something must have been wrong with our marriage or she wouldn't have done it.
The feelings of the thought of my wife having sex with someone else is soul destroying, I just seem to be getting better with the whole thing and looking forward when she phoned me on Tuesday saying can you collect the kids because a man was accusing her of all sorts, when I said why she said he has been hassling me since we had drunken sex the week she moved out of our house, she seems shocked as to why I am disgusted at her behaviour because she says she is single now so what does it matter. She has gone from a loving wife to someone who doesn't seem interested in the kids, is always out drinking with her new friends and sleeping about all in 6 weeks.
I now feel back to square one with constant thoughts of her with this man, I understand that eventually I need to move on but cannot deal with the fact that already she is jumping into bed with anyone.
Or am I expecting to much?
Herald
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Relationships
Separation a mans view
herald · 13/09/2013 16:21
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It is very much a bereavement. I too thought that my marriage was OK right up until the day that XH walked out. It was a massive shock to suddenly be told that he no longer loved me and he was gone. The man had been cuddling me in bed every night and making love to me. The shock was huge as I never saw it coming. He was texting his mates wife behind my back, sharing all our "problems" with her and I didnt even know that we had any 
. I have grieved for a long time about the loss of my marriage and that man that I thought he was.
I did go on one date, a few months after XH left, but it was a real kneejerk reaction, he doesnt want me, I will find somebody who does... I cried all the way home from the date because he wasn't XH :( so, no, don't even begin to think about dating until you are ready. as itwillgetbetter says, you need to love yourself first, before you look for anybody else.
Herald
what will hurt just as much will be the feeling of inadequacy, thinking that you were not enough and asking yourself what you could have done differently. The emotional punching bag (and in my case physical as well) is really soul destroying, living life on egg shells.
And also being a man makes it really hard to understand (isn't it odd how society got you to expect a man to do all of this so when it happens you feel so blind sided). You work on the logic that if a man does it right and is faithful, honest, does it all for the children etc then a marriage cannot possibly fail.. and that's probably going to be your longest battle - regaining your sense of self.
My advice having been a man that went through it:
- Realise that you could never fix her/it
- Realise that depression does not make a person become something they are not, it purely exaggerates it. So this is who your wife is.
- She played you. give her a round of applause and do not take it out on anyone else or carry over into your next relationship (hurt people hurt others). Leave the baggage.
- Divorce quickly - use this time to really push for complete separation, extract yourself from her life asap. whilst she is till unsettled.
Once she is settled she will resume the hurt cycle, she will realise what she has lost and will try to put the mask that slipped back on. when she fails to win you back, she will then go to ensure this is as uncomfortable for you as it can be. Her true nature will return.
Last comment - you were an enabler. your efforts to heal her, to take the strain financially and emotionally meant she saw you as permitting her behaviour she lost respect for you in many ways by being her rock. So stop enabling!
You are enabling still. rescuing her and saving face so the kids don't think badly of her etc.
News flash - you are not her husband, rock, rescuer, lover, baby sitter, cash card, confidant... nothing. Your 20 years produced 2 wonderful DC that't all and that's everything. Now move on and show then daddy is love, can be loved and that their lives will be filled with love.
P.S. I'd stay away from dating (we all say that) but in reality it will help you heal. just work on getting to love you again. and understanding what will be best for you. STAY AWAY FROM ON LINE DATING - The women on there have been scarred (sorry MN ladies
) and unless you want to torture yourself try real life meet ups with people who will at least have the respect that a lack of anonymity can never give.
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