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Feeling Like My World's Collapsed -Need some support

30 replies

FelineSad · 13/09/2013 10:45

I just need a bit of support. I feel like the world around me has collapsed.

Known partner for 30 years. We met at Uni. Were 'best friends' for about a year then went out for about two years. I was raped by a stranger who broke into the flat I was staying. It/I went a little bit crazy. We didn't really handle it well as a couple but we were young. Partner doesn't express his feelings verbally and to this day I don't know how he felt about the whole situation. To make matters worse I got pregnant but was in no fit state to have a baby and had a termination.

Roll on 15 years. By this point we're friends again. He had been in a relationship where his ex was violent towards him (he had broken ribs and bite marks) but they had a 12 month old son at the time. He has always tried to be the best father he can to this son and despite her disappearing for a year with his son still sees him every week and they have a good close relationship (so is now 16).

We then start seeing each other. I get pregnant accidentally (cap failure) but decide to keep the baby. I think from this point on our relationship has been doomed as I think he thinks I did it on purpose ( I didn't). I found out he'd been sleeping with his ex who then claimed to be pregnant whilst I was then had a miscarriage. Not sure if she was ever pregnant however and the info came from her to me. He never told me. I also found out he'd been meeting up with an old school friend (married) who lived at the other end of the country for sex. All very stressful and traumatic for me. I said he could go and we split up for about 2 months with him wanting to come back.

We had another child 4 years later. Again not planned but a condom failure this time so definitely not my fault although he behaved as if it was.

Over the past few years things seemed to have settled down. He has always kept his house in a city about an hour away and would see his son twice a week there (this was the reason he gave for refusing to sell his house in this city and move peroperly in with me) and would take all the boys over there at weekends if I was working (I work shifts). I have been the bread winner and whilst he has always had a good job has earnt less and is hopeless with money so has always had big debts. H e has however always given money for the boys. recently things had got better as he remortgaged and for the first ime in our relationship he was an equal partner financially

Sex has always been a problem as he has a very high sex drive and consequently tends to pester me for sex. We can't just cuddle on the settee without him putting his hand between my legs or him grabbing my breasts. I find it a complete turn off. He will also try to initiate sex in the morning when the boys are coming in and out which again is a big turn off. Possibly because of the rape or just lifes stressors in general I have been less interested although the constant pressure to have sex has been off putting. I also put on quite a bit of weight which made me not feel so sexy.

However on a day to day basis we get on really well. We have fun together and I have always said if I were stuck on a dessert island it would be him I would choose to be with. I love him and do still fancy him despite everything.

Over the past couple of months I did feel we were drifting apart. He made no attempt to come to bed at the same time as me and went out to the gym a lot (you all know where this is going)!

We had a weeks holiday booked and I was really looking forward to getting 'reconnected' iyswim. I even joined a gym as I thought if I lost weight and got fitter my libido would return. The holiday was very flat. I thought it was because of my teenage son however now I look back and can see partner seemed very irritated by me and short tempered. There were lots of under hand remarks trying to indicate that I don't think that much of him.

The day after we came back from holiday he returned to his house as there had been building work going on. He was due to come back two days later. He text me at some point to say the gym at a particular location was very small. The location of this gym was odd as it was in a completely different direction to where he would usually go but he said he just wanted to visit different gyms of the same branch like a collector (this is not odd behaviour for him).

The following day he text me to say how much he had enjoyed waking up on his own without being mithered. The next three texts clearly weren't meant for me. They indicated that he'd been with another woman at the gym, that they planned to meet up in about 4 weeks time and as he couldn't wait was asking to see her that afternoon. I know who it was a married friend of his from uni who only 4 weeks ago he had told me was separating from her husband. He admitted it. He claimed he'd only stayed with me for the boys and they had decided that now his life with me was over and hers was with her husband they wanted to be more than just friends. Apparently he felt like I never put him first. He claimed he'd been 'fairly unhappy' for years but admitted he didn't feel he could tell me and therefore give us a chance to put it right.

I asked him via text (I had lost the power of speech!)where we could go from here and what was he planning to do. Every question was met with 'I don't know'. Several hours later he came over. I was distraught but he acted like nothing had happened. I cried in bed all night next to him but he said and did nothing.

I decided the following night I needed to be elsewhere so went and stayed with a friend and drank copious amounts of wine. Next morning I felt stronger. I returned home. He was about to go out to work so I asked him when we were going to talk. His reply was, ' I thought you were going to say something last night but you went out'.

We agreed to talk the following evening. As he finds it really difficult to have 'difficult conversations I said I would e-mail him with my thoughts. He agreed. I e-mailed him with two options. Either we sit down and try and make this relationship work or we split but that it was a proper split with him moving all his property out of my house and only coming round for childcare reasons. I thought we could then have a grown up discussion about it the following day.

Next day he comes in from work. He then starts packing stuff into his car in front of the boys. He acts as if everything is normal and even asks everyone if they want takeaway. By this point I couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked him if he had decided he was leaving me. He just nodded so I asked him to leave. However as he had promised the boys take away he said he would leave after that. Takeaway arrives and he starts watching a funny programme on tv so I turn off tv and ask him to tell the boys what is happening and how things are going to change. He looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights but did tell them that he had decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. The way he described it was as if the only difference to them would be that he wouldn't be sleeping in my bed!

He then left leaving two boys sobbing in their beds. I was in shock and just felt really detached.

I am in contact with OWs husband who is also devastated. However OW did tell him June she wanted to separate which fits in with some changes in behaviour in P towards me. OW and husband still live togehter with their two children. She did tell him no one else was invovled. He knows P and has been out out on family days out with the boys.

I know I need to pull myself together and get on with it. Sometimes I'm ok but then suddenly it's like being hit by a freight train. It's only been a week and a day since he walked out but it feels like a life time. It's like reliving the worst year of my life when I was raped and pregnant and we split up the first time. He just wants to carry on acting like nothing has happened. I'm sure if I had said we could carry on as normal whilst he did his thing with OW he would have agreed. I got in last night as was working lates and he had bought me my favourite chocolates.

Next week should be easier and there should be no reason for him to see him. I have told him to remove his bikes from my garage so there is no reason fro him to park up outside my house and cycle into work. It's all such a mess. OW actually lives about 2 hours away from him with me in the middle about an hour away.

Sorry for all that. I feel much better having written it down. I have a counselling session booked for next week and am seeing the Dr this afternoon. Nytol helped me sleep for two nights but last night I only managed an hour. I am having difficulty in separating what I need to make myself better again against the boys seeing their Dad when they want (which is what he wants)

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Nadienoo · 13/09/2013 11:08

So sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, and it sounds harsh but you will be better off without him... I had a hard year too, we were expecting our 3rd DC and I miscarried, he couldn't deal so we parted ways but are still friends.

Trust me when I say from what you have written down, it seems like you will be better off without him, he obviously wants to have his cake and eat it, and that is not fair on you. You deserve someone who will be faithful and will commit to you completely...

Things are rough, but they will get better, you've been through a lot together and that forges a bond that is very hard to break, but IMO from what is down here, you need to break that bond and live your life- and don't take any more shit from him. To get through as horrific an incident as a rape, means you are a very strong woman and if you can get through that, then you can definitely get through this hard time

for you, I hope someone else comes along and has more to add, and will look in later and say more, but I'm not meant to be MNing at the moment lol- tidying to do , talk later?