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Why do I put up with this?

(296 Posts)
MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 14:40:49

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

Chubfuddler Wed 11-Sep-13 15:39:59

You don't need to tell him he's financially abusing you. He knows he is.

You need to leave him.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 15:40:30

The child benefit is for YOUR CHILDREN.

It is NOT FOR HIM.

He is basically stealing money from you and your children to spend on his hobby.

It's absolutely outrageous how he is treating you and your children.

And yes, if you are too broke to phone up for the tax credits you need because you have no credit on your phone, then this is very serious financial abuse.

Don't talk to him.

Talk to Women's Aid first.

A man who would leave you this broke is not a reasonable man who will ever play fair.

cestlavielife Wed 11-Sep-13 15:46:09

whose name is the house in? is it owned or rented? if you not married you on very poor grounds financially, but he should support your children.

if you were separated he would have to pay 15% of his income for his children https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance so start on that basis, even while you toegether....and use the tax credits on stuff for the kids before giving any of it to him!

why cant baby use toddlers ex-baby clothes? did you keep them? (doesnt matter if different sex for basics right now eg if "wrong" colour)

look on freeecycle for clothes for baby.

what is it that costs £16 per week?

but 1. sort out tax credits for baby now today get on the phone as it will be backdated to when you claim and 2. keep all the tax credits spend it on baby and toddler needs plus food and only then look at what is left to see if is spare for other joint spending.

what does your mother say? why does she collude with this?

why are you with him?

cestlavielife Wed 11-Sep-13 15:47:46

go to local library and fill in tax credits online at their free use computers

cestlavielife Wed 11-Sep-13 15:48:15

why cant you talk to him/ask him/discuss? does he get angry? shout? violent?

Chubfuddler Wed 11-Sep-13 15:49:31

20% for two children is CSA maintenance

whitsernam Wed 11-Sep-13 16:02:23

Would it help you to practice saying what you need to say in front of a mirror several times, then when he gets home give him a greeting, and let him know you need to discuss money tonight? When you sit down together (I recommend both sitting so you're the same height - this does matter!) then say what you have practiced already. Something like "25 per week really is not enough for 3 peoples' needs. We need to set up a different system for paying for what I and the DCs need.... etc." If you can't do this, then that tells you what the other posters here are saying is really right! If you can't approach your loved partner about necessities.... something is really wrong in the relationship. Really wrong.

TalkativeJim Wed 11-Sep-13 16:03:17

What the fuck?

So, by the logic you employ here, your DC are not his children.

That's right, yes? You pay for everything for them, do everything for them - that makes them yours.

Just as, he goes to work, he does everything FOR the money he gets - so it's his.

Yes? I hope you're sticking to this. If it's his money to waste on hobby parcels, then your quid pro quo is that they're YOUR children to enjoy and not his. Hope you don't allow him any cuddles or to comment on discipline, food, or school choices!

No?

That's right - no. They're his children too. He's equally responsible for them, for meeting their needs, for funding them. In return, he Gets To Have Children Of His Own. He Gets To Have A Family.

Now, children this small need to have their needs met in different ways. The main thing they need is one other adult accompanying them. This is the most expensive factor in these early years. Either full-time nursery/nanny/childminder is paid for, OR one parent's salary is sacrificed.

Your partner is responsible for half of the cost of rearing his children.

You have given up your chance of direct outside employment to cover this aspect.

He therefore OWES you half of the costs you are stumping up.

It is not goodwill. And it has nothing to do with tax or child credits.

You could sit down and lay this out for him. A useful way might be to tell him you cannot afford to have him owe you all this childcare, and you need to get a job - the children will go into nursery and the costs will be split 50/50. You will both keep your salaries, and contribute an equal proportion of them to the joint expenses.

Or, or - it might be easier to do what most sane people do, and pool all resources on the understanding that YOU ARE A FAMILY, AND IT'S FAMILY MONEY!

He COULDN'T work and have his children and his family if you weren't there doing all this. He does not fund his own life - YOU fund it just as much as him, by making it possible for him to be a person who can walk out of the door 9-5 and walk back in as a father with a family, every day.

I hope you can start sorting this out - it is madness.

frogslegs35 Wed 11-Sep-13 16:04:59

I don't believe for 1 minute that he doesn't know that £25 weekly is a pittance and not enough. He's been to the supermarket with you - he knows how much nappies cost = it's bullshit!
There's no other reason that TC's should be under his control unless he is a controlling manipulating greedy twat.
Sorry OP but he makes my blood boil.
When you do call to TC regarding your new baby (congratulations btw) - give them your bank account details and tell them to start paying them directly to you.

Personally I couldn't be with a man who deprives not only me of the simplest of human basics but also his own DC's too sad

If you genuinely believe that he is oblivious then as someone else mentioned above, sit down and write your complete weekly expenditure inc a little extra for 'just in case' items that may crop up.
Get over whatever reason you can't ask for or take his money - your pride has no place when your DC's need you to have a voice for them.

You should also make a list for him of how much it would cost him for hourly childcare (during his access to DC's), a cleaner, launderette service etc.... if you left his sorry arse.

Don't think that just because you're not from the area that you live that you wouldn't get help with rehousing etc.... someone else already mentioned - call Womens aid and have a chat with them.

TalkativeJim Wed 11-Sep-13 16:05:18

Oh and yes - a starting point here is that if you walked out the door, you'd firstly find yourself with 20% of his salary plus the child benefit in your bank account straight away.

Sausageeggbacon Wed 11-Sep-13 16:05:27

My ex was financially controlling but not to the stage your dp is op. Even my ex would ensure the the kids had everything they needed it was only me and my activities he controlled. And I left him because of it.

He is not a good man and you should not be putting up with it. I can see how this will end up but you need to stop him abusing you first. And if you are nervous of speaking to him about it there is something else here that we haven't been told because the kids have to come first.

You're scared to bring this up with him - is he really a great guy?

MoneyMug,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why has your mother told you that you cannot move back?.

He is actively taking the child benefit money for his own selfish needs even though it is in your name!.

Find your voice and use it, your children are now also feeling the effects of his financial abuse of you as well. You must not stay within this, you and your children will be completely destroyed emotionally if you were to do so.

Please talk to Womens Aid today; they can and will help you here. Putting up with this will also harm your children and give them damaging lessons on relationships as well.

MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 16:10:59

Sorry if I don't answer all the questions.

My mum knows most of it. She says the same as you basically. But there's nothing she can do to help me really.

I don't want to say what the £16 is for if that's okay. I don't want to give too many details away. DD won't be affected by not having it. It would just be good for her if that makes sense? He said wasnt going to pay for it without me even asking him to.

I think I should give him a chance before I leave him. I just need to ask him. I don't think he would get angry. Annoyed maybe because obviously it would mean he Would have less money. I think he would resent me having it.

DownstairsMixUp Wed 11-Sep-13 16:15:52

He is a financial abuser! If you seperated though, would you not be able to cancel the joint claim and claim child tax credits as a single claimaint or am i wrong? Even so, you'd be better off without him, you'd get CSA and the child benefit (which is yours anyway!) I can't believe he is so cruel - please OP, speak to women's aid, your family, anyone, he isn't a nice man.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 16:17:43

Why are you frightened of talking to him about it?

Leaving that to one side (though it is the biggest thing frankly), you need to make a list of everything it costs to raise his children.

This should include things like play groups and trips put which are essential to develop children's social and spatial skills, all clothes (what about shoes?), all nappies, wet wipes, sudocrem, bath stuff, medicines (winter is coming up and they will get sick), toys, drawing paper, ummm, god I'm sure people can add to this list.

You need to add it all up, work out what you actually need, and present it to him. You need to show there is a massive gap between £25 a week and what you actually need to raise a child without depriving them or being neglectful parents (I'm not saying you are, it's about making a point). Then you ask him what he thinks.

I am sure he will point out that he pays the household expenses, but this is a red herring, as he also has plenty of money to spend on his hobby.

You do not get emotional. You stay calm. You repeatedly point out that both of you should not deprive your children any more. You repeatedly remind him they are his children as well.

You remind him that child benefit is for them not him, and you need to reorganise your finances (remember they are YOUR finances, ie both of you) so that his children grow up being properly looked after.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 16:17:49

Why are you frightened of talking to him about it?

Leaving that to one side (though it is the biggest thing frankly), you need to make a list of everything it costs to raise his children.

This should include things like play groups and trips put which are essential to develop children's social and spatial skills, all clothes (what about shoes?), all nappies, wet wipes, sudocrem, bath stuff, medicines (winter is coming up and they will get sick), toys, drawing paper, ummm, god I'm sure people can add to this list.

You need to add it all up, work out what you actually need, and present it to him. You need to show there is a massive gap between £25 a week and what you actually need to raise a child without depriving them or being neglectful parents (I'm not saying you are, it's about making a point). Then you ask him what he thinks.

I am sure he will point out that he pays the household expenses, but this is a red herring, as he also has plenty of money to spend on his hobby.

You do not get emotional. You stay calm. You repeatedly point out that both of you should not deprive your children any more. You repeatedly remind him they are his children as well.

You remind him that child benefit is for them not him, and you need to reorganise your finances (remember they are YOUR finances, ie both of you) so that his children grow up being properly looked after.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 16:18:00

Why are you frightened of talking to him about it?

Leaving that to one side (though it is the biggest thing frankly), you need to make a list of everything it costs to raise his children.

This should include things like play groups and trips put which are essential to develop children's social and spatial skills, all clothes (what about shoes?), all nappies, wet wipes, sudocrem, bath stuff, medicines (winter is coming up and they will get sick), toys, drawing paper, ummm, god I'm sure people can add to this list.

You need to add it all up, work out what you actually need, and present it to him. You need to show there is a massive gap between £25 a week and what you actually need to raise a child without depriving them or being neglectful parents (I'm not saying you are, it's about making a point). Then you ask him what he thinks.

I am sure he will point out that he pays the household expenses, but this is a red herring, as he also has plenty of money to spend on his hobby.

You do not get emotional. You stay calm. You repeatedly point out that both of you should not deprive your children any more. You repeatedly remind him they are his children as well.

You remind him that child benefit is for them not him, and you need to reorganise your finances (remember they are YOUR finances, ie both of you) so that his children grow up being properly looked after.

Scarletohello Wed 11-Sep-13 16:18:18

They are his children too and he has a duty to pay for them. I am really shocked at his attitude. If he refuses to then yes it is financial abuse. If you left him he'd have to contribute financially. He sounds mean and immature and I really feel for you. Please listen to the advice on here. This won't get any better even if you get a job if he doesn't change his attitude. Do you have any friends with kids who might be able to talk to him, especially dads if you feel you can't ! He needs to see that what he's doing isn't normal!

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 16:18:29

God, sorry. Computer hiccup blush

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 16:22:09

I think he would resent me having it
Seriously? Then remind him it's not YOU having it, it's HIS CHILDREN having it. OP, stop thinking as if these kids have nothing to do with him.

TalkativeJim has the right of it.

MoneyMug,

He has had more than enough chances, do not keep giving him the opportunity to do you over financially!. Why do you have any need at all to give him more chances?. That is something you need to consider, you need to look at why you have allowed this to happen to you.

Staying with him will do you no favours at all, you'll be scrabbling around for money for the rest of the time you are with him.

I do not think you can actually ask him for money because you are afraid of his reaction.

If you think he would resent you having more money then what sort of person do you think he actually is?. You're supposed to be a couple; you are anything but a stable couple as the power and control balance in your relationship is heavily skewed in his favour. Abuse after all is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and I would think he controls you in other ways as well.

Your children are already being affected by his penny pinching because you are having to modify your own behaviours here. They see all this and learn from you as well.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

frogslegs35 Wed 11-Sep-13 16:24:58

He said wasnt going to pay for it without me even asking him to shock
So basically instead of saying 'yeah hun, no problem here's the money to buy/do something with our dd' He'd rather you have to go to him in a 'please sir' manner?

Angry, annoyed or resentful - he shouldn't bloody well be any of those things.
If you want to give him chances then obviously thats up to you, I hope for yours and DC's sake that he will see the error of his ways.

showtunesgirl Wed 11-Sep-13 16:27:27

Any relationship where you are actually afraid to discuss something is not good.

You really do need to talk if you want it to change.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 16:29:18

"Annoyed maybe because obviously it would mean he Would have less money. I think he would resent me having it."

He is a FATHER.

Why the fuck would be be annoyed that taking care of his responsibilities means he has less money?

Welcome to parenthood, we all have less time and money than we had before.

Or at least we do if we are doing it right.

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