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Why do I put up with this?

(296 Posts)
MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 14:40:49

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

Didactylos Wed 25-Sep-13 00:26:53

MoneyMug - just an idea but maybe take the 'rent thing' as an opportunity and ask him to discuss household budget/bills/outgoings overall as a lead in to sorting things out. You probably should know how much is being spent eg rent, bills etc and about what dates they come out - because you are a partner, an equal adult sharing in all these things, it will help you both budget over the weeks/months, and hopefully by normalising the issue lessen your anxiety and make it easier to discuss things in future. (And very cynically, if he does start messing about eg 'struggling' to prioritise the rent when he can afford to buy computer games you will have a handle on it and know when things are due/how much they cost)

but the big thing is to get through the mine/thine separation of finances and responsibilities hes got in his head. Whether its deliberate or not hes putting you under stress and depriving you and his children in this situation. Hope you stay positive, and good luck, keep posting.

MoneyMug Tue 22-Oct-13 09:00:07

Sorry to come back to this thread and thank you for all the help you've already given me, but I've kind of realised how many problems we actually have in our relationship.

I think I'm going to leave him. I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to turn to, so I need to stay until I've saved enough money. Also (I know this makes me sound like a manipulative bitch) DP agreed to let me change the DC surname to double barrelled, so I want that done before I leave too.

Can anyone give me any advice? Would I even be able to rent anywhere without a job?

BrunelsBigHat Tue 22-Oct-13 09:17:17

Oh money, you are so NOT a manipulative bitch.

Good on you for recognising the situation you are in.

I'm not very knowledgable on this, olgaga I think she is called does a superb link to every bit of advice you will ever need. I'll try to look for it.

In the meantime women's Aid and CAB are the ones that spring to mind first.

Stay strong.

I am glad that you have come to a realisation re him that you yourself needed to make and in your own time.

Womens Aid can and will help you here with making plans to leave.
I would talk to them if you have not already done so.

It may take some considerable time (perhaps even years) for you to save enough money to leave. This is not really an option given your circumstances as they have been, in the meantime you and by turn the children are still being financially controlled by him. You patently do not want them growing up thinking such behaviour is at all normal.

I would consider seeking legal advice re the name changes. I ask this as I think changes can only be made if the child is under 1 year of age; I will stand corrected on that if this is not the case.

BrunelsBigHat Tue 22-Oct-13 09:20:57

Here it is

Not all of this will apply to you OP but a lot will. In the general advice links you will find particular links relating to Scotland. The Resolution (family lawyer) link allows you to search by your area. Good luck.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

It won't all be relevant, hope there's something useful in there. Thanks olgaga for all that.

BrunelsBigHat Tue 22-Oct-13 09:22:02

Attila, I assumed she meant by deed poll? In which case there's no age limit?

Nottalotta Tue 22-Oct-13 09:28:45

I read your post originally and am so glad you have got to this stage in your thinking. I can't offr much adbice other than to look at the benefits calculator website 'turn2us' as this covers everything in one go.

Also, go to your local council housing department. They may have a 'homeless prevention fund' which they can use to help you rent somewhere privately. They can loan/grant money for a deposit etc.

Good luck.

MoneyMug Wed 23-Oct-13 20:06:17

We are going to change their names by deed poll. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was to let myself be bullied into giving the DC, DPs name.

Thank you for those links. They've been really helpful. I'm still reading through them all.

Ursula8 Wed 23-Oct-13 21:28:39

Moneymug I am so pleased you have found the courage to make changes in your life and to improve the situation for yourself and your DC.
However, I cannot get my head round the fact that you think your "biggest mistake" is the relatively minor matter of whether your DC names are double barrelled or not.
Please just investigate your options and get the hell out of there.
I wish you luck.

ImperialFucker Wed 23-Oct-13 21:56:20

I remember you! I worried about you quite a lot, tbh; it was such a clear case of financial abuse.

I'm so glad you've decided to leave, but I just can't see how you're going to afford to save up with the little money you have.

Could you go back to your mum's? Do you have a friend you could stay with?

mammadiggingdeep Wed 23-Oct-13 22:04:25

I remember your thread. I remember reading your origami post and feeling so sad for you...I felt miserable just reading it.

Good luck op. sending you good vibes for the next chapter. Hang on in there x

mammadiggingdeep Wed 23-Oct-13 22:06:45

Have just had a thought. Pm'd you x

Just a thought because like you I was bullied into putting dp's name as ds's surname, it's a good idea to go double barrelled as when you have,you can if you want, just use your own and then you have the choice.

I think from your post it is clear he has no respect for you, you are a good mum and you deserve that respect

Good luck, although I'm not sure you need it ! You seem to be flying along smile

Changing names is important, it lasts for the whole of the dc's life and he will not sign the form if they aren't together I'm guessing, it is quick to do.

Believe me it's important that my ds has my name, especially if you go on holiday

OP, the change in outlook in your posts is amazing - you've come so far. Keep going: we're all behind you.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Sun 27-Oct-13 07:29:39

Make sure that your surname is the first part of the double-barrel, then you can always "drop" his name later if you want to.

Mojavewonderer Sun 27-Oct-13 07:47:53

Op you are a family and you should be sharing all the money that comes into the house!! Sit your partner down and tell him you need more money and that you and the kids are going without when he should be providing for you all. Jeez op I don't mean to be unkind but you really need to sort your life out.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 27-Oct-13 07:58:25

OP, please ignore mojave who has clearly read your OP only, not the nearly 300 posts which followed it before your most welcome update. Well done for summoning up the courage and determination to leave - your 'D'P is likely to try and prevent this, so keep schtum and say safe.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 27-Oct-13 07:58:53

stay

HotDogSlaughter Sun 27-Oct-13 12:13:29

Sending you positive vibes op. Please update us. I really am rooting for you!

antlerqueen Mon 28-Oct-13 20:30:01

how kind of you mojave hmm

OP, you sound like a different person than the one in the beginning of this thread. I wish you all the best smile

Also, just wanted to possibly contradict this sentence (too young to notice)

I know I would be giving my DC a bad example of how relationships should be but at least I'm trying to change things. Luckily they are too young to notice yet.

with a slightly amusing anecdote i saw told some time ago, 1 minute into this video

www.youtube.com/watch?v=a887s73l9QM

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