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Why do I put up with this?

(296 Posts)
MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 14:40:49

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:45:16

You know there's a very simple solution, don't you? You need to sit down and talk finances properly. He is the father of your children (I assume), and if they are being deprived because you are totally broke, then this is as much his problem as yours.

Why are you giving him all the but £25 of the tax credits btw?

He can't be totally blind. He must realise you have nothing while he's getting parcels left right and centre. You need to call time on him ignoring this situation.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 14:45:27

Why do you think the tax credits, which are paid to you as a couple, are HIS money?

That money is your money, it is paid to you.

Stop giving him any of it.

He is spending money he can't afford on his hobby and leaving you with nothing.

That's called financial abuse.

You should get away from him as soon as you can.

Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and ask them what you would be entitled to if you left him.

He's HAVE to pay you money for your child then and you would get benefits in your own name.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:48:56

just to make this totally, totally clear, and I really don't want to be mean, but.... this isn't just about you.

If it was and you wanted to martyr yourself, fine, but to deprive your children because I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

is daft and very unfair on your kids. I say that with kindness and brew

MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 14:52:03

I give him the rest of the tax credits because that's just what we agreed.

Yes, they are both his DC.

Is it really financial abuse if he doesn't know I'm struggling though? It's not like he does it to control me.

He's a great guy in every other way. I can't wait until the DC are old enough for me to get a job.

bluehearted Wed 11-Sep-13 14:53:44

This thread shocked me. You need to talk to him. DH and I share all our money, it's all pooled and we use it together. I'm a stay at home mum to our 7 month old and he would never let me struggle like you are. I know not all couples share all money etc but I'd guess that most couples have shared finances and split things as equally as possible.
You really need to sort this out, talk to him and make it clear this can't continue.
I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to?
I hope you're ok? Can I ask, how is he as a partner? Is he supportive of you?

MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 14:54:49

I try and give my DC everything I can. I go without so they can have things. I don't deprive them of essentials.

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:54:54

He's a great guy in every other way
Well, most (good) relationships are based on trust and communication, and if you can't tell him/he hasn't noticed you and your children are bursting out of your clothes then... how great a guy is he, really?

If he is that good a guy then he should be easy to talk to about money, right?

FloraFoxley Wed 11-Sep-13 14:56:34

If he really is oblivious then why the bloody hell aren't you telling him?

If he's a 'great guy' you'll be sorted in no time

saythatagain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:56:56

I'm shocked - really shocked.
Reading your thread has made me feel suffocated.
Sit down and speak to him....please.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Wed 11-Sep-13 14:57:14

Does he have any idea how much you are going without?

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 14:57:19

"Is it really financial abuse if he doesn't know I'm struggling though? It's not like he does it to control me."

What does he think you are living on? Fresh air?

Tax credits are money paid by the state to support families with children.

That money is for you and your children.

It is not for him to spend on his hobby while you have nothing.

Why does he think it's OK for him to spend all that money on himself?

Why isn't he giving any thought to whether YOU should have hundreds of pounds a month to spend on YOUR hobby?

Why does he think you should pay for everything to do with the children out of £25 per week?

Quiltcover Wed 11-Sep-13 14:57:53

You should be a team. Why are you depriving your dd abs yourself of your basic needs.
Why don't you both right out a budget of what things cost. He sounds mean and entitled. You and dd deserve better.

unBant Wed 11-Sep-13 14:59:00

OP - you already have a job - looking after his DC. You get paid by the government to do that in the form of tax credits, and your DP should be paying for other stuff too as he is able to earn money at his work.

You really need to work out how to take all the money that comes into the household and first of all pay bills, food, nappies, stuff for the DC etc and then what's left over can be split between the two of you to pay for things like haircuts and hobbies. His priorities should have changed when he fathered a child.

He may not realise how difficult things are for you, and if that's the case it's not abuse, it's just ignorance. This is where you have to man up, so to speak, and talk to him about it. His hobby may have to wait for a while.

What's the hobby by the way?

WhatHo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:59:30

Your quotes Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more. and I don't deprive them of essentials don't quite stack up.

MoneyMug, you know you have to talk to him, right? Or are you worried that if you do, he'll refuse to give you money?

It doesnt matter if he knows that you are struggling although tbh he would have to be very stupid not to know.

It is the fact that he has access to a lot of money to spend how he likes whilst you do not.

And, no he is not a good guy. a good guy doesnt seperate purchases in the supermarket or not think about the fact that his partner and children have no access to any money apart from £25 a week.

How on earth are you supposed to manage on that?

Chubfuddler Wed 11-Sep-13 15:04:00

I put this only in these terms because I think it is the only way it will chime with you, and not because I think you are some kind of scrounger: the tax credits you receive are to assist with providing your children with essentials, not for your so called DP to squander on his hobbies.

You really couldn't be any worse off if you left him. In fact I can guarantee you would be better off in every way.

You say he doesn't realise you're struggling - bollocks he doesn't. 25 poxy quid a week?

Contact women's aid. Seriously.

Ledkr Wed 11-Sep-13 15:05:18

The tax credits are for the whole family to live on they aren't his fgs.
What does he pay for?

MissStrawberry Wed 11-Sep-13 15:05:39

I don't know. Why do you put with it?

Your children need you to speak for them. Find your voice. Today.

And get on the phone to the TC people. It is silly to say you haven't had the chance to call them. I am surprised the bully hasn't done it so he gets more money to piss up the wall hmm.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Presumably as well you cannot ask him for money because you are also afraid of his reaction if you do so. He will not change.

And when you do go to work you'll probably hand over most of your income to him as well. Or he will tell you to do so.

Financial abuse is a form of mistreatment and fraud in which someone forcibly controls another person's money or other assets. It can involve, for instance, stealing cash, not allowing a victim to take part in any financial decisions or preventing a victim from having a job. The issue tends to occur most often in domestic relationships, such as between a husband and wife or an elderly parent and an adult child. People don't always recognize the problem, because an abuser purposely might select an isolated, vulnerable victim who is unlikely to realize what's happening or who will feel too ashamed to report it.

Financial abuse also can occur as a means to have control over a partner in order to make the other (in this case you) feel hopeless enough to never leave. One partner might not allow the other to have access to any of the household money, or he might give only a small allowance.

This is financial abuse because he knows that you are skint and he is actively doing nothing to help you and your children. You are buying separate shopping items, he put the child's birthday cake in your shopping!!. You have gone without for a long time but your children are now also feeling his penny pinching ways.

What would you say if a friend was telling you all this?.
This is no relationship model at all to be teaching your children is it?.

I would go back to your mother's; you are just living a pitiful half existence currently. You and this man should not be together.

antshouse Wed 11-Sep-13 15:06:58

Does he take the child benefit too?

TeaJunky Wed 11-Sep-13 15:08:59

shockshockshockshockshockshockshock

Darling, you need to toughen with him - and yourself - firstly by removing that mental block.

I'm outside the school waiting to pick up dd so have to run now but will be back with something useful later.

SirRaymondClench Wed 11-Sep-13 15:17:34

Is he working Op?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Wed 11-Sep-13 15:26:59

OP please listen to the advice given already. What of you decide not to do anything, where does this stop? When your DC's go to school what will you do for uniform? Will you have to buy all of that too?

MoneyMug Wed 11-Sep-13 15:36:49

Yes he works.

He has the child benefit. Although it's in my name because of the pension thing.

I can't move back home with my mum as she has told me I can't.

I haven't been able to ring tax credit yet because I have no credit on my phone.

Sorry I'm on my phone so I can't remember names. I'm not being rude.

I know I need to tell him. I need to build up the courage first though. It took me ages to ask him the first time.

I know I must sound really stupid and immature but I just don't know how to tell him.

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