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He won't accept it is over

(84 Posts)
Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 08:09:27

http://local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1620384-Sharing-naked-pictures-taken-and-shared-without-someones-permission-in-order-to-bully-them
http://local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1557033-Feeling-hurt-not-sure-if-it-is-reasonable

Previous threads.

We have not had sex since June. In the whole relationship I have felt sexually rejected anyway because he seems afraid of my body, never touches me, has never been down on me, wont discuss sex, we only ever have PIV one time only ever in the bed and then he goes to sleep, often doesn't want even that. I'm really sexual and found myself forcing it after the naked pictures incident, knocked that on the head after a dry spell and then a horrible shag in June where I felt empty and used and I knew it couldn't go on.

I have been talking about the communication problem for years. He always says that he will do anything to make it better. I raised the idea of counselling for him, he wouldn't go. I now really believe that it is not me who has the problem but him and us together, that we are incompatible and I am unhappy.

Late last year I told him if it didn't improve I would leave.

He has continued to stick his head in the sand.

I told him on Monday night that it is over for me and I don't feel it is recoverable. He was upset said I had never mentioned these things before, said he didn't know why I was so upset about the photo thing because he didn't know what his mate was talking about and didnt understand the comment he made, I said I would not accept that version of events because it isn't true. I said we needed to commit to co-parenting as friends and I didn't want to try anymore because it is making me unhappy.

Since then he is pretending this conversation hasn't happened. He is still walking in on me in the bath, still trying to touch and stroke me in bed. I am finding it unbearable but I don't want to shout at him... I think I need to but I am frightened that this will upset the good co-parenting relationship we currently have and that ultimately it won't make a difference because I am SAHM and he has all the power and can choose to ignore this.

This is why I have been unhappy, throughout the relationship he has been satisfied with having me as a wife even if I am unhappy and has not made any effort to treat me as an equal (in terms of communication) or share anything.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 08:10:22
Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 08:13:35

We don't have a spare room I can move into, otherwise I would. It is my little girl's birthday on Sunday too so bad timing.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 09:34:56

Don't know what I'm asking. Feeling very desperate today. Have a few hours off today and nothing to do but brood on this. How do I get him to accept it without being really horrible?

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 09:45:27

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds unbearable. sad

You know the answer to this already though. You can't get him to accept this without running the risk of him being horrible. But what's the alternative? You spend the rest of your life dancing to his tune to avoid him being unco-operative or even downright nasty?

Many people behave badly when a relationship breaks up, particularly if they don't want it to and they have the power to hit back where it hurts. However, most people - especially those who love their DC - come around and start behaving sensibly in time. Things have to get worse before they get better. And if they don't get better it is always better to discover that sooner rather than later, when you can do something about it instead of waste your life hoping for something that will never happen.

Good luck.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 09:49:46

Thanks dahlen, I'm glad it's you who responded. He just texted to say he understands now finally but I don't know that he does. I don't want to talk about the relationship anymore. I'm very clear that I don't want to try. I want to move forward and keep things stable for the children.

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 09:58:56

You can deal with this and you know you can. You've been through worse. smile

The only way to handle this is to decide on your party line ("I'm very clear that I don't want to try. I want to move forward and keep things stable for the children") and adopt the broken-record technique every time he tries to draw you into discussion. The only negotiation that takes place should be around residency, contact and financial arrangements for your child.

If you're very vulnerable financially, I'd recommend trying to sort yourself living arrangements he can't scupper and a source of income independent of him ASAP. He should pay maintenance and you should be allowed to stay in the family home as the parent with care, but you'd be best advised to have a plan independent of all that so that he can't use it as a means of controlling you.

You can't make him behave well to ensure stability for your child. The stability will come primarily from your child's relationship with you. If you can minimise moving home/school etc, you're doing really well, and if you can keep regular contact going you'll be on a winner - but only if your X doesn't use it as an excuse to manipulate you (which includes talking to your child about you in a negative or 'what if' fashion). No contact is better than damaging contact.

Best of luck.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 10:01:21

I'm confident he will be fair to me and the children if he gets it. He's a very good father. Part of the problem has been watching how well he has learned to communicate with them because it has highlighted that he is capable of it, just isn't doing it with me:

bestsonever Wed 11-Sep-13 10:10:32

In the meantime could you fit twin beds in the room? Put a bolt on the bathroom door? Give him a clear message that he is no longer allowed to invade your personal space. Have you gone as far as asking him to leave? It sounds as if you are not ready for that yet as talking of co-parenting. Can't be nice being mauled by someone you no longer feel connected to in that way.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 10:14:14

There is a lock on the door but only one bathroom and small children. I will start putting a potty outside the door.

Room couldn't fit twin beds but I could start sleeping downstairs. I'm not sure we can afford for us to live apart and me to stay in the house but aware I need to get advice about this.

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 16:08:09

<urgh> he just isn't getting it... sad

Says he'd still like to think we can make the rest work. I. Don't. Want. To. <ARGH> what isn't he hearing about this?

This morning he has reverted to bringing me coffee in bed and getting the children ready by himself which I feel is an attempt to make it hard for me to assert that it is over and to follow previous behaviour of placating me...

This is just excruciating...

But I have an exam coming up and an interview for voluntary work at CAB tomorrow and I feel so daunted by the extreme measures it might take to get him to realise. sad

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 16:09:03

Sorry, this is mainly for my ranting...

MadBusLady Thu 12-Sep-13 16:20:21

Oh Offred you poor love brew you know what we're going to say - you don't need his permission to end it. It doesn't really matter what he says or how he tries to placate you. If he's still crossing boundaries when you're locking the bathroom door and sleeping on the sofa then you've got a bigger problem, but for the moment let's assume he won't. You need a practical exit strategy, and your energy needs to go towards building that rather than responding to whatever he comes out with.

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 16:25:55

Yes, the practical exit strategy would be to move the kids and I out of the house because he isn't getting it. I will do that if necessary/possible but it is something I really would not want to do, quite drastic.

That or tell him he has to leave but he has nowhere to go, technically this is his house and the children will be upset and disrupted.

I wish he would just listen and acknowledge what I'm saying and we could go about disentangling our lives with less disruption for everyone.

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 18:58:23

Ok so friend has given me welfare rights advice number, going to phone tomorrow. Going to see whether better for me to stay in the house and ask him to move in with his sister or me and children move out.

Will also depend on whether he accepts this is the only thing to do just now.

Fairenuff Thu 12-Sep-13 21:00:12

He doesn't have to 'get it' though does he. You need legal advice to find out if he can be made to leave the house. If not, you will have to move out. Book and appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand.

I wish he would just listen and acknowledge what I'm saying and we could go about disentangling our lives with less disruption for everyone

And I wish I was twenty years younger and quite a few quid richer. Ain't gonna happen.

Hissy Thu 12-Sep-13 21:33:55

Offred, i'm so sorry you're going through all this! sad

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 21:34:29

Ha! Maybe not...

I wish it because it'd be better for everyone involved. Better and calmer.

Offred Thu 12-Sep-13 21:36:17

Thanks hissy.

Just had my parents round shouting about caring about my kids and how I need to realise I am taking dh's house... hmm

Finally, finally stood up to them and told them to fuck off out of my house. Which they did.

Fairenuff Thu 12-Sep-13 22:16:15

Well done! You know that happy parents are better for children, even if they are separated. Even if he isn't happy about it, you could be and the children will pick up on that.

It's the build up to the split that is hardest for the children, not the separation itself. You can build a much happier life without him.

Offred Fri 13-Sep-13 07:01:37

Haven't told him he needs to go yet.

Hissy Fri 13-Sep-13 07:07:31

Jesus Christ! Supportive? Much?

Wtf is wrong with (some of our) parents?

You're going to have to sidestep them. I hope you have good RL friends, and you have US!

Offred Fri 13-Sep-13 07:19:02

Irony is my mum was just talking about being there to support me when my dad turned up shouting about caring more for my kids than I do and bothering about dh's bloody property. They are also delusional about their behaviour when my abusive ex left when they meddled in contact telling him he could come at times I had said no; I basically said he couldn't come to see our 14month old and newborn after 3pm because I needed to feed him and wind him down for bed and that would hype him up, and exp was not working and could come at any time during the day, my mum was supervising contact because he was being investigated for sex offences (came to nothing) and she just allowed him to arrange to arrive at 4.30pm even though he had no intention to feed him etc. My dad met up with him on a regular basis and believed his bullshit about me, told him to take me to court. They conveniently remember none of that meddling and believe they were supportive.

In addition when I was pregnant and skint because xp had left me with debt and on benefits they made me work cleaning their house for £20 a week so I could save up for a pram and a cot for my daughter. They are very wealthy. And unbelievably selfish. Unsurprised my dad's first concern was for his perception of my husband's property ownership.

Offred Fri 13-Sep-13 07:21:08

I have got a couple of very supportive friends yes. Unfortunately not too many because I have been very isolated being a SAHM but one in particular has been really great.

Fairenuff Fri 13-Sep-13 08:11:41

There is no point in telling him until you have legal advice. You know he won't go. Make an appointment with a solicitor, just to see where you stand.

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