Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

my husband is hiring hookers i'm pregnant with 2 kids/lyme disease

(64 Posts)
girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 07:50:53

Found out that he is hiring hookers in hotels when he travels for work. I'm shattered, pregnant 14 weeks, and just been diagnosed with chronic lyme disease. He is saying that it was "a big mistakes", even though right before he came home 2 nights in the row he was hiring them.
I'm lost, can't sleep, eat, feeling like i have to leave him, but have no strength. He is saying it was a big mistake.
I'm attractive, 37, we were having sex (when i'm not sick), have 2 small children. I'm very scared for the future-no income, no career, live in the country where i came with him because of his work. And he is about to lose his job because of lies.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 07:56:29

Leave him. If he is going to lose his job then you're threatened with financial insecurity anyway.

Honestly, my husband did something that threatened out marriage when I was pregnant with twins and had a 2 and 3 year old and I sucked it up and stayed because I couldn't face leaving, we'd also only been married a few weeks. I regret it deeply and things have never improved. I've now wasted another 4 years on trying to make it work with nothing from him and told him on Monday night that for me it is over.

You will need to split eventually I think, don't prolong the agony.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 07:57:18

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry, you deserve far better than this, don't worry about the future, it will be ok. LTB, he is a disgusting moron.
He is putting YOURS and YOUR CHILDRENS health in danger.
Can you leave your country and come home? thanks

This is awful. x

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 07:58:21

he was making good money before and still at work but loosing it in 2 months after which he will get paid for a full year.
I think he was doing it before we married, once I saw a search for an escort services right in the location he was staying. Back then i believed him (9 years ago).

SlumberingDormouse Wed 11-Sep-13 07:59:22

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have any friends or family who could give emotional/practical help, either in your home country or the one you're in now?

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 08:00:22

offred yes, you suck it up, but its always hanging over you isn't it.

OP I'm more appalled every time I read your post. For the love of God get out. Let him go with all the prostitutes he wishes.

Concentrate on your pregnancy and child.

Seems he is a well seasoned liar with form, if he's in danger of losing his job over whatever lies he's told.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 08:04:04

OP so possibly hes been at it for a decade, nearly. Oh my Good Lord.

He could have had/given you STIs or anything the disgusting vile pig. I'm actually upset for you. I had a ex who saw fit to use peostitutes on a stag do in Prague. I kicked him out of my house as soon as I found out. I asked myself WHY? Am I ugly? Do I not satisfy him?

The answer was that he was an inadequate dickhead with no thought for me.

Your P knows he is wrong in doing this.

I will stay on this thread. x

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 08:05:08

i have some friends but it's hard to talk about all this, i told some of my family, but don't feel like talking lots about it. It helps to get women's perspective on this site.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 08:05:19

And to do this while you are ill. Christ.

He's a real gem isn't he.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 08:07:40

Talk to your friends. You may find it helps to vent to them. In the meantime we are all on your side here thanks

Are you ill with morning sickness etc? Hope you are OK. Please try to rest. As much as possible. x

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 08:11:30

You are right in my brain i know i can't prolong it but now i'm so lost, it's like nightmare that i think i have to wake up from. All those years he and kids where my family and i can't face being alone, especially with lyme disease-in a month i will have to go on heavy doses of drugs to try to manage it and very worried about baby, etc. Thank you for advice and support

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 08:17:00

He claims that those girls where giving him only a "rub on his dick", but on the profiles escort girls offer all services, describe, how their "pussy is shaved, breast size" I can't ever think without pain about all this, after i red those profiles i went crazy its so disgusting and painful

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 08:19:09

i was able to track the profiles using the numbers on his phone and saw their messaging

Cabrinha Wed 11-Sep-13 08:43:35

My STBXH did similar. And I'd believed the "just looking, curious, I never did anything" crap re escort site too.
The point at which I was sure he had, my baby was 10 months old and I was about to return to work in a complicated situation. Practicality of splitting would have been hard (not finances, more child care and access).
So I stayed. I stopped sleeping with him. And I was fucking miserable. Every day my soul was dying.
Every single thing he did wrong (leaving dishes, all the minor stuff) made me so angry.
I left him after 3 years of this.
I won't say I regret staying - practical reasons were good ones. But I bet I wouldn't have regretted leaving, either.
It is a miserable half life - no affection, no love, no respect, no love, no liking...
I should have gone before.
I can only tell you how happy I was when I ended it.
Good luck.
But if you stay - disengage from the disgusting arsehole. Get ready to go.

Cabrinha Wed 11-Sep-13 08:45:11

As for just rubbing his dick? Oh, that's OK then? What an arsehole.

BombayBadGirl Wed 11-Sep-13 08:47:04

omg, haven't read the replies, but honestly you dont deserve that treatment.
leave him, your kids dont need that 'roe model' in their lives, call on family and friends and for help
i'm so sorry xxx

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 09:36:30

Sorry I left OP, I've had laptop gremlins angry

Some really good posts here.

Your P makes my blood boil. He clearly can see women as objects and pieces of property to be bought and for him to gratify him. He is gross. You deserve a whole world more than this.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 09:38:56

Like Bombay says, please tell your family too. Put them in the picture of what you are going through. You may be surprised by the help/advice you receive. They will undoubtedly be disgusted but at least they will know and you can talk in confidence with them.

So sorry about all this OP.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 09:40:14

It is utterly disgusting honestly, but I know that doesn't really help you. You need to make a decision about what to do, maybe at least a first step. I honestly think the right thing is ending it for good but I think at least asking for a temporary break to think would be right. A temporary break from the relationship shouldn't mean he gets to abdicate childcare btw, just give you space.

FeelingWeirdNow Wed 11-Sep-13 11:13:57

Are you there OP? Are you ok? x

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 11:34:51

I told him it's over and that the sooner we start moving forward the better. Sorry to overwhelm you with my emails, but this is what he wrote (keep in mind he is excellent writer also don't want to loose kids):
No matter what i feel i would be stupid to stay and don't take opportunity to end it now no matter how bad it is, but i'm so miserable and sick to my stomach now...You thought helps me tremendously not to be confused and look clearly at the problem

Bun – these are my thoughts –

First, we have known and loved each other for a long time and I know I have done something wrong (not what you think but what I told you) and hurt you and I want to try to make things better somehow for you and the kids and us. If we are honest we both know our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs over the years and I don’t think that together we have ever really tried to address any of our issues, many of which are very significant. There is plenty of blame to go around about why our relationship has had so many issues. We have always papered them over and life has moved on, but the issues have remained. I have always thought these issues are ones we could solve, but we don’t communicate almost ever and there doesn’t seem to be any forum you are comfortable with to address our issues.

I know that now you are not interested in working on our issues but want to think about separation. I understand this and I agree at least that some space between us right now is a good thing, understanding that we have to think about what is best for our kids and future child.

With our financial situation in a not good place (debt); with my job (and income) coming to an end soon; and with me looking for a job now (and possibly some visibility on when I might get a job, what the salary will be and where it will be located in the next 3 months or so), I think that we need to look at a temporary solution before a longer term one. My suggestion is as follows – (1) we can start the mediation process to get an idea of our options and how things could work, and (2) at least for the next 3 months, you stay with the kids in our house and I will stay at my parents. This way there is stability for the kids and we are not locking ourselves into new long term leases when we don’t know what our future financial situation will be etc…

Let me know your thoughts. If you agree we can schedule the mediation today.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 11:46:04

I think that is as good as you are likely to get from him. It does sound like he is trying to offload responsibility unfairly, i hope he wont further progress to blaming you but for now i think you could let that slide in view of keeping a split amicable.

His suggestion to go to mediation you should only do if you feel you would like to try and fix things (and that you perhaps could). If you are sure you want to end it then the other option sounds better.

It is good that he has accepted what you feel though and that you have told him too.

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 11:46:42

How are you feeling?

Offred Wed 11-Sep-13 11:48:31

I agree with you btw that he is trying to play head games of being reasonable but there is no reason why you can't deliberately take that at face value for now.

girl123 Wed 11-Sep-13 11:54:42

Thank you for your kind advices and words. I'm feeling depressed and crushed and know it will be for a long time now..
He meant mediation to get amicable divorce (I was asking him for that). When i told him that i will hire a lawyer he threatened me that he will "crush me" (his father wealthy retired lawyer and take kids to US (kids have us passports). Also he reasons that 2 lawyers will eat lots of money. I know he can't take kids from me, but i'm not capable to face his threats now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now