Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What have we raised?(102 Posts)
As a family we are in a dreadful situation, our eldest son just hates me and OH!
He has always been difficult, we had a nightmare through his teens, ended in a court appearance and community service. That stopped that type of illegal behaviour, he cleaned up his friends and no more problems like that for a good three years.
He is now 21.5, currently working part time, but due to start full time in three weeks.
This all sounds great, but it's not! He is vile in the home, his room is absolutely revolting, like something off hoarders. He literally throws rubbish on the floor.
He only has a job as myself and OH constantly get him up and out of the house, we are screamed at, squared up to, threatened and generally spoken to like dirt.
This weekend, Saturday his alarm was going off, he kept snoozing it, so about five mins before he was due to leave the house, I said are you not getting up. When he found out the time, I got a torrent of abuse for leaving it so late. That night he rolled in at 5am, OH trying to get him up for work the next day was met with abide, threatening behaviour. He is a MASSIVE liar, OH was standing over him in bed saying get up, he is saying I am up! He does that all the time, ridiculous, mad lies, but then totally denies it.
That night he forgot his key, OH went to work at 4am, I was woken by him trying to get in at 4.30am, the next morning I didn't bother to get him up for work.
He does nothing in the house, the main problem though is he denial that he has ever done anything wrong. He blames us for everything to the point it is just madly ridiculous! Like he will stand there kick something and break it and then completely deny it.
It is extremely hard to talk sense with someone like this.
I know everyone will say kick him out, but how? He would not go, he would be back, he has no money.
He pays a pittance in rent, he won't abide by any rules, is currently in the shower and will be for 15 mins even though we say 5 mins max.
In reality our eldest DS owes us everything, we have got him out of so much trouble, saved his job 10000 times, but he clearly hates everything about us.
For the record, youngest DS is 19, and just a run of the mill teenager, we have a great relationship.
I almost feel sorry for eldest DS, except it is his own doing.
I think it is time your son flew the nest.
Sorry when we spoke about this weekends events, as always, he screamed and shouted......I've done nothing wrong.
I know this sounds unbelievable, but honestly he always always totally denies everything.
It makes you feel like you are going mad!
I know AF, but honestly I am scared of what he will do.
I would gladly pack his bags tomorrow, that saddens me to say, but he has no money etc.
There have been many dreadful arguments in this house, he then threatens to harm himself.
We are in a nightmare, which is such a shame as everything else is good, we could all have a good life and enjoy stuff, but it's all ruined.
Behaviour like that is so not normal it makes me wonder if there is something wrong.
Can you get him to go to the doctor and accompany him? See if there is a physical or other medical cause which can be addressed.
Is he smoking cannabis?
We have been through doctors etc, but the general consensus was, if you met home today, you would say what a wonderful and well adjusted young man. So they felt nothing serious was wrong.
Honestly, when he wants to he is just wonderful, but not to us.
Our home is not one of conflict, me and OH been married for 26 years, we don't and never had fought and argued. Obviously have had rows, but no DV or EA or anything like that. Our main rows have always been about DS.
I don't think he is taking drugs, I would never say 100%, times I wish I would find he was, it would be a reason. If that makes sense?
He used to do the denial thing at school as well, teacher would catch him doing stuff and he would point blank deny it.
I think there is a greater problem with your son. The lack of care for himself/ his environment is a step beyond normal teenage laziness. The chronic lying and aggression may be indicative of an underlying mental health issue. Is there any way you could get him to a doctor or would that cause even more trouble?
If not, then you have to get him out of the house even if it means that he has to go to a hostel or ends up couch surfing. His behaviour does not need to be part of your life any more at 21. But you need to be strong enough to stop saving him: he's not grateful. It's time for him to be accountable for his own actions.
Exactly how old do you think he will be before he leaves then? (He's not sn is he....?)
He's old enough to work. He's old enough to leave.
I'm so sorry. My heart would be broken if in your shoes. Wish u strength in this one.
Shoot, I know you are right, in tears here. I suppose we are going to have to toughen up.
Never wanted things to be like this, didn't expect the Waltons, but never thought it would come to this.
His personal hygiene is good, but not his environment if you see what I mean.
If he get abusive again get the police to remove him from your home. The fact he has no money not your problem.
You can not let him keep behaving like this towards you otherwise it well just keep getting worse. The older you get the easier it will be for him to treat you like this.
Could you find somewhere else for him to live and move him out
Tell him you will stop bailing him out
Tell him you believe him that he can look after himself as he is 21 now and obviouslyi Iiving together is making him unhappy etc
Put it all on him s out how much better it will be for him tell him you love him and do not bail him out anymore
The behaviour sounds personality-disordered to me. Have you had a chat with your GP about the effect this is having on you? The trouble is, no MH services will be offered unless he either seeks help himself (unlikely as no insight) or becomes a danger to himself or others - so you may have to kick him out - perhaps after a period of 'requirements' not met eg looking after himself and your property - regardless of self-harm threats etc. he'll have money when he starts F/T work, won't he. At least stop cooking and washing for him
which I bet you are still doing. I'm afraid it will probably have to get worse before it gets better - calling police etc - but you simply can't face the rest of your lives held to ransom by this young man, which is what I fear will happen otherwise. I feel for you, including your other DS - do it for him, if not for yourselves. What does he say about it, btw?
Our other DS, is level headed and the whole family kind of excuse /ignore eldest DS and get on anyhow.
As I write this, I can see we are making mistake after mistake.
We have been very soft and very stupid, seeing this in writing is showing me this.
I can see he has to go, for everyone's sake. But he will be awful, just awful!
I have to go to work now, but will look back later.
Thank you all for your advice.
Maybe this morning was not a good time to post this, very tear stained face at the moment
He might be awful, but he is awful now
Let him be awful somewhere else for a while. It might bring him to his senses
If you can afford it, I would pay the deposit and first month's rent somewhere for him when he starts work F/T and let him take over from there. You can't live like this. This may mean changing your locks.
I'm so sorry. I know there are plenty who have gone through similar here. They will find this thread now there's a few responses and poss suggest better strategies.
You did your best. Now you need help. No more no less.
This such a heartbreaking situation. I do think the other posts are right he needs to move out. Maybe he should go to the council to say he is being made homeless. I know it sounds alwful but I would be concerned if you help him with rent and deposit for a flat etc that he will just get evicted. He needs to start to take responsibility for himself.
Somebody I know was in this situation and did what a PP suggested - paid a month's rent and deposit on a flat and left him to it.
It was tough but it made him grow up.
I agree that he should move out and take some responsibility for himself
I was going to post that I think you should stop getting him up for work - he is plenty old enough to do that,and take the consequences if he fails to get there - but I can see losing the job,which sounds a real possibility,might then make everything else worse... difficult.
The room scenario doesn't sound unusual - annoying,but messy rooms seem to be how some teens/young adults are.
And 5 minutes in the shower does sound unduly restrictive - your DS should be taking resposibilty for the job etc,but he should also be allowed to decide how long it takes for him to wash.IMO. I realise utility bills may be the issue - in which case he needs to pay rent adequate to cover what he actually costs.
It sounds like a awful situation for you.
It sounds very difficult for you all..
I'm also wondering if he has an un diagnosed mental health problem.
Is there any way you could get him referred to a mental health prof, and list all the things he does in a session.
Surely he must be as unhappy as you?
If he's on drugs you may have to go the tough love route, and concentrate on your younger DS.
If there's any chance he has a MH issue, then it's a risk chucking him out - he may end up in bad company and trouble.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.