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Men who push for sex on a first date....

(91 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Tue 10-Sep-13 21:36:54

Are idiots right? That's twice now I have broken my rule of no first date sex. Admittedly it is my fault for giving in but the hints, flattery, suggestions of driving me home combined with them being fit and me having a glass of wine all gets too much. Then of course...poof!

TBH when a guy starts pressuring me I sometimes give in as it makes me never want to see them again anyway but more often or not I feel a bit crappy about it.

Has anyone actually initiated first date sex themselves and how did it work out? (just curious) I still have that silly Rules book lodged in my head that states no first date sex.

LolaCrayola Wed 11-Sep-13 04:19:08

Yes. I married him.

Lazysuzanne Wed 11-Sep-13 10:04:00

Yes the being ignored afterwards is annoying, but I've been guilty of the same offense.
Ie slept with a bloke on a first date thought oops that really didn't work for me, then just tried to drop off his radar instead of having the guts to tell him straight blush

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 10:20:04

Anyone who pushes for sex is a twat.

Anyone who has sex on a first date because they feel obliged to should probably stop dating for a while. It's not their fault (if no one pushed they'd having nothing to defend themselves against), but self-preservation is a vital skill in the world of dating.

Anyone who has sex on a first date because they want to and the other person does as well, is on to a winner.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 11-Sep-13 10:44:14

I did want to but I know what the fall out is....confusion. Trouble was we didn't even have penetrative sex as we didn't have condoms....so it wasn't fantastic sex. I am the kind of person who knows that first time sex with a new dp (esp on a first date) is always a bit awkward whilst some men expect Karma Sutra straight away. We enjoyed lots of lovely naked cuddles, kissing and other stuff though!

FreckleyGirlAbroad Wed 11-Sep-13 11:39:17

I firmly adhere to the only rule of doing what I fancy when I fancy it, first date or not. I totally agree with three view that if he disrespects you for first date sex then he is not worth wasting a moment's breath on.

I broke all the rules in the book with my dp of 3 years who is about to be father to our first. It was a first date through a dating web site, we met for a drink on a Saturday evening, then he invited me back to his for dinner and I left his place on Monday morning. Luckily we were both looking for the same thing, with mutual respect and no guilt.

HellonHeels Wed 11-Sep-13 12:04:09

I don't like the sound of "giving in" - that makes it sound as if you were pressured or coerced into having sex. Is that what happened? sad

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 11-Sep-13 12:05:23

There is nothing wrong with sex on a first date if you want it as well.

Pressurising/pushing for it is a sign of an arse though, so if you're holding back but they are pushing and not respecting that steer clear!

HairyGrotter Wed 11-Sep-13 12:50:04

I hate anyone pushing/pressuring me to do anything, least of all sex!

I had sex on our first date, he's my fiancé now! There is nothing wrong with it, do what feels right to you, as long as neither of you are hurting anyone, go have some fun!

lurkinglorna Wed 11-Sep-13 12:58:03

(i'm a woman)

just another point. surely there's a reason why one test drives a car before one buys it, or tries a dress on before paying for it?

whilst i'm in my sexually active years, i don't want to be partnered up with someone i'm sexually incompatible with shit in bed ....

(just to take a possible BAD example) a guy who lies there like a lump and says "oh you can go on top and enjoy yourself, cause i'm a nice guy" is probably not the one i'll want to be on a long term promise to or accept a further date with....hmm

superstarheartbreaker Wed 11-Sep-13 13:35:25

I ended up wanting him very badly as he kept making innuendos at me etc, offered to drive me home etc and told me it's a shame I didn't put out on a first date. This didn't shock me; it turned me on. He said he would see me gain before the weekend but hasn't contacted me. Why do thay make these promises?

BeCool Wed 11-Sep-13 13:38:52

"Why do thay make these promises?"
Er because they work perhaps?
Bet this guy has a string of one night stands first dates, where he has successfully employed this technique.

VelvetSpoon Wed 11-Sep-13 14:06:48

I think with OD (and speaking from personal experience, and what I've heard many times from friends) as opposed to RL, there are a disproportionate number of men who DO judge women for being 'easy'.

I was chatting to one the other day (decent-sounding bloke, mid 30s, professional, uni-educated) and discussing previous bad dates. He said on one date a woman had invited him back to hers at the end of the evening, and then propositioned him. He said he made his excuses, and lost all interest in seeing her again because 'if she was giving it away that easily, how many others had she been with?' hmm. I suspect that sort of attitude is still alive and well with many men, including those who are more hypocritical and would take the offer, with no intention of seeing the woman again.

I think the only right time to have sex is when you want to, and are happy to. I have been around these sort of pushy men, and whilst I did tend to give in to persuasion in my younger days, it sits ill with me now because I think with hindsight some of it did stray into the territory of coercion.

Mojavewonderer Wed 11-Sep-13 14:20:38

I sex with my DH the first time I met him. We are very happily married so it worked out well for me.
Doesn't mean it suits everyone though I guess.
I didn't follow any rules when I was single, I just did what felt natural and right.
I wouldn't have sex with just anyone though as I'm quite picky ;)

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 11-Sep-13 14:46:29

I've been ignored by plenty of blokes I didn't have sex with, so not sure that its the sex/no sex that actually makes them call you, its whether they like you/whether they think they have other options. Only an idiot would have great sex with someone they fancy and then NOT go back for more, so lucky escapes all round on that front.

I took DP home on our first date, we spent the night, I gave him a BJ. The next day I set him a challenge to see how long we could leave it before having sex. We lasted a couple of hours grin.

We both said we weren't into playing games, if I liked him I was going to text him, if he wanted to come over he didn't have to play it cool. A year later we are happy and in love - he has both 'the cow and the milk' and has had from the start.

lurkinglorna Wed 11-Sep-13 15:12:34

Interesting thread smile

I reckon the key is to that one is doing it because one wants to, in the moment, not for approval or as a trade off for a second date?

Sex is a red herring really. It goes for other stuff, too. If a guy I'm dating is projecting a vibe of trying too hard or doing stuff so he can be liked and impressive and popular it's a bit wet and a turn off

(plus that type tends to turns all angry and passive aggressive as soon as they don't get what they want in return for their "niceness" hmm).

That lack of self is the difference between someone who is good for a few dates (and then forgotten about as soon as someone better comes along) and someone who I emotionally take seriously and who makes an impact.

SomethingOnce Wed 11-Sep-13 15:58:55

kept making innuendos at me etc, offered to drive me home etc and told me it's a shame I didn't put out on a first date. This didn't shock me; it turned me on.

Whatever floats your boat (starting to wonder if this is a wind up, tbh).

What is appealing about being approached like that OP? Maybe I'm uptight but I'd tend to agree with Yoni that it would be a sign of an arse, and a desperate one at that.

PoppyField Wed 11-Sep-13 16:07:18

Do men ever feel guilty or seedy for having first date sex?

lurkinglorna Wed 11-Sep-13 16:13:41

yeah I do agree somethingonce.

Nothing wrong with 1st date sex in itself, but OP I'm afraid I do think asking stuff like that straight off is crude and weird? Either it should be mutually spontaneous one of those "both drunk and can't keep hands off each other things" or approached in a way where you can turn him down/take him up on it if you fancy him THAT much with no offence taken.

Eg:

Man: " Do you want to maybe come back for coffee? Or we can stay out and get another drink?"

(variation of this might be "We can go out for dinner and a film or you can watch a film at mine")

If you accept the coffee, that's not consent of course, you can still just have a latte and go home, but it is a "signal" that you're up for going somewhere more private and maybe going further.

But he shouldn't be trying to get inside your head or guilt you into doing stuff? It's not abuser level, but there's nothing creepier (in a weak feathery strokey kind of way) than a man who is trying to "get" you so he can "get you"....

Had sex on the first date because I really fancied him and we got on incredibly well. That was four years ago next week, we are having our first baby in November and we're engaged and sickeningly happy. The sex was good the first time so even if we hadn't had a relationship I would have enjoyed.

Angeletta Wed 11-Sep-13 16:40:01

told me it's a shame I didn't put out on a first date.

I'm another one who finds this creepy, crude and entitled. He sounds like the sort of man who sees dating as a cheaper alternative to escorts.

lurkinglorna Wed 11-Sep-13 16:40:01

the last 3 times I've had 1st date sex....

1. Last year: knickers off within about 3-4 hours of meeting, amazing sex, cried in the taxi home just as I'd felt an amazing connection and actually felt really alive and female and it was GOOD. He called me afterwards (long distance date so as soon as he got home) and became my fellah. One of the best, most secure and solid men I've met (we separated cause of distance logistics). I am keeping everything crossed we get back together at some point, which seems like it might be an option smile.

2. First notch on the bedpost this year. Sex really impressed. So of course I was up for 2nd meet to see how things progressed wink.

For our 2nd meet he asked about exclusivity. After spending more time with him we don't have compatible lifestyles. Plus he's cool and interesting but in terms of personality he lacks that solid masculine character which I like. So I've categorised him as "casual sex option in X city" and drifted away...

3. Second notch on bedpost this year, SHITE in bed no way I wanted any more of that... (feathery strokey and didn't want to use a condom, just plain yuck to the power of yuck). We got on well and had great chemistry over a dinner table so there was no predicting this.

After this, I've had sex on third dates or thereabouts and I'd say on average I don't like or dislike them or its any easier than 1st date guys.

I wouldn't overthink it in future or have a Rule or Policy, just go with what feels right. And use a condom, of course smile

SomethingOnce Wed 11-Sep-13 17:52:21

Lorna, I'm a cautious person but if 1's all that... can you not move to wherever he lives?! grin

lurkinglorna Wed 11-Sep-13 18:03:10

Something thank you, great minds think alike, but that might be hard right right now, as his job involves being sent off to places where there's bombs and things grin

I think the "loose plan" is to re-engage at the end of his current deployment and see if we pull it off (in more ways than one wink) - will exchange some e-mail messages before then but I don't want to put my heart 100% into it before then

So I'll stick with doing my own life stuff (and maybe getting off with some slaggy men on the internet before then if I get really desperate. YOLO!)

'The Rules' is actually harmful, woman-hating nonsense. The only type of man you are going to 'win' by following the awful advice in that book is an abusive one who considers women less than human.

Have sex whenever you want, with whoever you want, OP. But don't feel that you owe it to a man because he bought you a drink or a meal, and if he starts complaining, just walk away and refuse any further contact with him.

SomethingOnce Wed 11-Sep-13 18:19:43

That last paragraph makes me a bit uncomfortable tbh, Lorna, but maybe it's irony smile

I hope it works out with lovely military man.

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