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My DP doesn't contribute and won't take responsibility.

(84 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:17:32

I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't give me much money at all. He just wastes it. Last month he contributed nothing to household bills and expenses. I've gone through almost all my savings.
Next month my income won't cover our outgoings. He won't agree to spend less and just keeps going on about claiming housing benefit. I scared we are going to lose everything.
If I leave him though, I won't be able to go to work at all and then I'd lose my house anyway.
Can't remember the last time I was this cross and sad.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Thu 12-Sep-13 22:38:20

I am feeling much better today. A friend took me out for a glass of wine last night and we had a lovely time. And then I spoke on the phone to another close friend today and it has really helped hearing both from them and from the people posting on this thread that I need to make changes and stop trusting DP as he will just let me down, time and time again.
I didn't manage to open my new bank account today as they had double booked me and I couldn't wait around as I had to go to work. I have been looking on moneysavingexpert today at bank accounts and where is best to go. Because I have a poor credit score I will probably have to opt for a basic account. But that is fine with me because I just want somewhere where my money is safe and I am in control.
What happens next in my relationship is a different matter. I hope we can work things out, for our sons sake if nothing else. I'm just glad to be a little more positive and thanks to everyone who has posted on here for your support.
I am also considering going to the Gam-Anon meeting in my town. Does anyone have any experience of anything like this?

Twinklestein Thu 12-Sep-13 15:02:35

I opened a new Paypal account recently & had no problem linking my husband's debit card. Although we have the same surname.

Bogeyface Thu 12-Sep-13 14:39:41

Ah that would be it, we have had this arrangement for several years, so yes that would probably be why.

Hmm I don't know. Did you open it a while ago? I think paypal has cracked down massively on this in the last couple years because there was so much money laundering going on.

At the very least I think it would be difficult for the DP to link the new bank account to his paypal without the OP knowing. I had to send quite a bit of documents when I opened mine a couple years ago.

Bogeyface Thu 12-Sep-13 14:01:44

Are you sure Dreaming?

I have a bank account that we use for all online stuff adding funds as we need them to avoid CC fraud, and that is linked to my AND H's paypal.

Hmm. According to paypal, the name on the bank account must match exactly the name on the paypal account. How did he link them to begin with?

If he has linked them fraudulently somehow then I imagine if you inform paypal they will have no problem de-linking them. And he shouldn't be able to link to your new account.

Not when she does not have access to his paypal and it is his paypal account that has been liked to her bank....

Good luck in the bank today!

34DD Wed 11-Sep-13 21:24:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nat38 Wed 11-Sep-13 19:50:35

Do you love him?? Do you want to stay with him??
They are the main questions! Then you can decide a plan of action!!
If you want to stay with him, sort out separate finances so that you know that you & your Ds have a place to live & that you can pay all bills!
All the "extra`s" that your DP wants/likes like sky sports, gambling ect make him pay for from his own account!! Cancel everything that you do not want to pay for even if it means opening new accounts!! A hassle I know!!
If you want to split, you`ll have to split the finance`s any way, inyour favour!!

RandomMess Wed 11-Sep-13 18:13:06

So sad to read your updates. I'm afraid he is a gambling addict and the quicker you seperate financially the better. Ex-BIL wasted at least £150k that we know about, SIL lost the house and he lied and lied and lied.

Meeting up with a friend will be worth the effort. Ensure that the paypal account cannot be transfered over to the new account. The other thing that BIL did was take out lots of credit cards and loans and gambled all of that - he kept on meeting up with postman so SIL had no clue that he was doing that again angry

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 16:59:09

I hope you enjoy your time with your friend whether it is a heart to heart stuff or having a laugh or both hopefully.

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, try and let us know how you get on. You must be immensely frustrated with him at the moment, I am and I don't even know him !

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 16:44:25

I'm sorry it feels so overwhelming. sad Often it's the sheer relentlessness of a poor relationship that wears us down, rather than a specific event.

If he won't engage I think you have to treat that as your carte blanche to go ahead and remove him from any decision making. It's the only way to retain your sanity. He's had ample opportunity to change and be involved in a solution and has chosen to ignore that.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:55:08

In answer to some of the earlier questions:

No, we are not married, but he is named on the birth certificate.

I wouldn't have any problem with a 50/50 custody. It's getting him to agree with it, or in fact engage with me about anything at the moment. This afternoon it seems I'm getting the silent treatment. I really don't know what he thinks he is trying to achieve. I'm just so worn down and bloody tired by the whole thing.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:38:10

I have been to the bank today and made an appointment tomorrow to open a new account.
I feel very down. I'm normally a very optimistic person but I can't see any of this going well.
I am going to look at the gamblers anonymous website as well. Perhaps talking to some people with similar experiences will help. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend later. I will have to summon my energy so I don't spend the evening looking like I have been slapped with a wet fish!

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 12:25:33

discover.firstdirect.com/1staccount?code=EXD0000067&WT.mc_id=FSDT_EXD0000067

£125 from First Direct if you switch your account to them. They have good reports and its free money for something you are going to do anyway, and you can apply online.

It is more like he wants the tax payers to fund his gambling...

OhDearNigel Wed 11-Sep-13 10:31:48

So he thinks you should take benefit money designed to help people in need so that he doesn't have to stop his Sky Sports subscription ????

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 10:11:06

Courts would probably start with a 50/50 agreement. Would that be a bad thing? Despite his irresponsibility towards money, is there any reason why you wouldn't be happy with your DS being in his care? If you pushed the gambling problem to demonstrate that he has addict-type behaviour meaning he can't be guaranteed to put DS's safety paramount, you could probably swing residency more in your favour, but would you want to do that? Him having your DS half of the time would mean you could continue working more easily.

There is a possibility he could push to have DS more to claim more benefits (to subsidise his addiction), or he could even decide he doesn't want the responsibility at all.

You are probably best placed to anticipate what his next move would be. Whatever you think that is likely to be, you cannot allow fear to prevent you from doing what is best for you and DS now. If you do nothing you will lose your home, DS will be homeless and have to change schools anyway, you will probably lose your job (pretty sure DP will disappear at this point, so you'll have no childcare anyway, plus you'll need to spend time trying to sort out accommodation, etc).

IF you kick him out, you will be in control of the pace of things. You can organise childcare for shift patterns (it does exist. Contact your local Children's Information Service), re-establish control over your bank account, get some advice about residency and then get your DP to leave when it suits you.

Good luck.

Start collecting evidence now -- as much as you can about his gambling and financial irresponsibility. Then see a solicitor for a free half-hour and see what they think. It would be daft for them to give custody to someone who might be able to provide more childcare but might also put gambling ahead of rent and food, but a solicitor can give you proper advice.

It's also possible that the threat of separation, combined with proper counselling, might turn your DP around. Has he always been this bad?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:55:21

If not did he jointly sign the birth register?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:53:50

He's very unlikely to get custody with a gambling addiction...

Are you actually married?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 09:48:54

I am just on my break at work at the moment so I've only got time for a quick reply.
Things seem a lot more stark in the cold light of day. I am definitely going to the bank on my way home to make an appointment to set up a new bank account.

Could anyone elaborate on the residency situation. Is it likely if I broke up with him that he would get full custody?

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 08:18:41

How you feeling today op?

The specific direct debits are probably a 100 to 150 a month so I actually think that is quite a lot.

The gambling does throw a new light on it but there is no way I would criticise you for not saying you have just revealed it is an even harder situation.

As you have bothered to work out your finances and he still ignores it I do think you are getting to the point where you seriously need to consider breaking up with him. I think it is a lay it on the line situation.

I had a quick google and there are some gambling support charities. I put in gambling help, it may be worth speaking to them for some advice.

Tell your bank you will pick up your card and pin-codes at the branch!

He cant give you any of his own salary because he is a gambling addict, and will have spent it all on gambling.

Does he have debts you do or dont know about?

ModeratelyObvious Wed 11-Sep-13 07:03:16

OP, as he does more childcare than you, you might want to speak to a solicitor about how the courts would see residency.

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