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My DP doesn't contribute and won't take responsibility.

(84 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:17:32

I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't give me much money at all. He just wastes it. Last month he contributed nothing to household bills and expenses. I've gone through almost all my savings.
Next month my income won't cover our outgoings. He won't agree to spend less and just keeps going on about claiming housing benefit. I scared we are going to lose everything.
If I leave him though, I won't be able to go to work at all and then I'd lose my house anyway.
Can't remember the last time I was this cross and sad.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:19:21

Why can't you work if you leave him?

Monty27 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:21:21

I think you should bin him and make your own way no matter what. He sounds like an ass.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:22:06

What are your actual circumstances? who is working or studying and are you in rented acommodation or do you have a mortgage?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:23:02

I can't leave him because my work is varied shifts and I don't have anyone who can look after my DS. He does the lions share of the childcare.
Tonight, I wish I could leave, I wish I had left him before, but it seems I'm just stuck here. I hate being miserable.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:23:10

I'm asking to ascertain how stuff is split on an official level if at all but my gut reaction is he sounds useless and a hindrance.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:25:06

Siverfox- I work full time and he works part time. His work can be flexible to fit around school hours. And while my work is also very flexible it certainly isn't office hours.
We own our home on a shared ownership scheme so part buy - part rent. It's all in my name only.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:26:07

So he brings in money but refuses to pay for anything and expects you to pay for everything.

I would get on to the entitled to website and work out what help you can get as a single parent.

Is there any way your job could have a set shift pattern?

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:31:43

It is a long time since I broke up with my ex DH and I walked away with literally the clothes on my back but I did get help from friends. Do you have anyone in RL to support you?

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:31:49

The money you spend on him would be much better spent on childcare.

Have you ever sat down & totted up exactly what he costs you per year?

It's probably more than you realise.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:32:28

I meant to ask if you got family around to help with childcare?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:32:35

Yes, he says that he doesn't earn enough to contribute anything. When what he means is he doesn't earn enough to contribute and still do the things he wants to do.
I wouldn't be able to get fixed shifts at my work unless I demoted myself and took a massive pay cut and then they would probably be shitty about it. And I love my job, it keeps me sane!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:36:03

My mum is 50 miles away. I think if I left I would have to move back in with my parents. This would mean changing DS school and uprooting him too.
DP's mum lives very nearby, but she can't help out with childcare.
It's all round a horrible situation. Every time I think about it everything just seems really overwhelming.

Teeb Tue 10-Sep-13 21:38:56

He never contributes? What is the situation with your finances? Joint account, separate accounts? How long have you lived together and what was the discussion when you first moved in? I know what a lot of people on mumsnet advocate is the idea that each partner pays a percentage split, so if you were expecting him to pay 50% of everything that wouldn't work, but if he earns a third of what you do, that would be his contribution.

Sorry for ambushing you with questions!

Nat38 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:44:00

Surely the situation you are in is a horrible one as well??!!
How old is your DS??
You need to make a list of the pros & cons of staying with DP & another one of leaving him & then decide which one you would be happier living with, with your DS!!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:45:38

That's ok teeb.

We have separate accounts. All of the bills and direct debits etc, and I mean all of them are set up on my account. His wages are paid into his account and the agreement has always been, in the six years we've been together that he gives me money from his wages every week.
This was fine until he lost his job at Easter. We struggled and struggled and I really dug into my savings to keep us afloat. He has a new job now which pays monthly instead of weekly. So last month he contributed less than he spent from my account and made no contribution to mortgage, bills etc.
I sat here tonight with a highlighter and a calculator and my bank statement and went through the money cause I knew we were in trouble. I won't even look at me when I'm talking to him. I just don't think he has a clue how serious this is.

hermioneweasley Tue 10-Sep-13 21:47:34

Well, if he is doing Childcare then he is contributing (but should obviously make a financial contrib too). Is DS his son ?

NomNomDePlum Tue 10-Sep-13 21:50:09

stop feeding him. stop paying for everything that only or mainly benefits him. if he doesn't want to support you, you shouldn't support him.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:35

Hermione- yes, the childcare is absolutely a contribution. If he wasn't spending money hand over fist I wouldn't ask him to contribute much at all. Maybe just buying the odd bits of groceries.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:55:33

And yes, DS is his son.

I won't stop feeding him, it seems spiteful and how do I explain to a five year old why I haven't cooked Daddy any tea?
I might close my bank account and reopen a new one without transferring his direct debits over.

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:05

What direct debits are you paying for him? You can just stop them without closing your account.

Nat38 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:22

Please stop subsidising him!!
If you carry on doing this, the more he will financially take the piss!!
His childcare contribution is obviosly not enough!!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:46

Thanks Nat, I can't carry on subsidising him, I'll lose my home. I try to explain this to him, it's like talking to a brick wall.

I would just cancel the direct debits but the main problem is that his PayPal account is connected to my bank account and I don't know how to stop that without closing the account. I'm a fool, I know.

You dont have to close your bank account to stop his direct debits, you just stop them. You tell him next month he needs to set up his own direct debits from his account, as you cannot afford it anymore, as the mortgage will bounce! Then let him deal with it himself!

Can you log into his paypal and unlink the accounts?

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