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Eurgh! Christmas...

(23 Posts)
SlangKing Tue 10-Sep-13 23:44:50

Tell him he can go if he wants but you won't be. Then, if he decides to go, that you'll spend the day thinking about whether you want to spend your life with a guy whos primary commitment is to his mother. What he does could help you decide whether you want to get DD's passport later rather than sooner. That said, I only suggest the above cuz it's obvious you feel strongly about it. Any other time of year neither party should be making an issue of the other visiting ILs or not, with or without any Cs. When one party gets things their way all the time at the expense of the other it's unhealthy. Anyway, it seems you've done your share of miserable Xmases so it's only fair that you redress the balance.

Pilgit Tue 10-Sep-13 23:20:54

We have not had a christmas at home since DD1 was born. She is nearly 5 and now has a sister. We always argue about it as we come at christmas from completely different experiences. DH had great christmas's with grandparents around, aunties uncles etc, lots of silly games, and general hilarity. I had all the grandparents every year and whilst I adored all of them they were not fun. Always watched Eastenders and coronation street (me and DM cannot stand soaps), never played games with us (yes, we did ask), we never went for walks or did anything remotely fun. Dad would get blind drunk and mum and dad would always end up arguing (it became tradition that dad and I would lock ourselves in the kitchen with the washing up, a good red wine and some very loud music). It was something to be endured. So I want to tell the world to FUCK OFF at christmas and DH wants to invite the whole world and his dog or go visit the whole world and his dog. This year his parents are taking themselves off on a cruise (so that we don't get into the habit of one of us taking turns with the grandparents) and we haven't discussed it beyond my - "I am staying at home" mantra every time anything is raised. I am sticking to it this year. I am not schlepping all over the country getting burnt out whilst trying to contain the DDs.

Horsemad Tue 10-Sep-13 22:13:41

Sorry for double post hmm

Horsemad Tue 10-Sep-13 22:13:00

You really need to put your foot down and this is the perfect opportunity to do so.
It's only natural you would want to start your own traditions now you have your own child.

I'm speaking from experience; my DH is tied to his mother's apron strings & it has been a problem over the years.
We spend every Xmas there and now my DC are unwilling to trek to see my side of the family. My DM has never seen my DC on Xmas Day & if I'm honest, I am annoyed that MIL gets the Xmas she wants.

Unless you want to end up being resentful, you must get it sorted now.

Horsemad Tue 10-Sep-13 22:12:07

You really need to put your foot down and this is the perfect opportunity to do so.
It's only natural you would want to start your own traditions now you have your own child.

I'm speaking from experience; my DH is tied to his mother's apron strings & it has been a problem over the years.
We spend every Xmas there and now my DC are unwilling to trek to see my side of the family. My DM has never seen my DC on Xmas Day & if I'm honest, I am annoyed that MIL gets the Xmas she wants.

Unless you want to end up being resentful, you must get it sorted now.

maddy68 Tue 10-Sep-13 20:58:15

Tbf it's your dh's Christmas as well as yours. Just flipping this round for a minute. Wouldn't it be nice for a first Xmas to be surrounded by loads of people

I used to have to travel 300 miles for Christmas with my granny and all the bleedin uncles, aunts and cousins and I loved it. Have the best memories smile

My mum apparently hated every minute but put up with it because me and my dad liked it.

I think I would have hated Christmas just with my mum be dad that would seem like any other day but with crackers on the table!

CookieDoughKid Tue 10-Sep-13 20:47:15

Op. Make it crystal clear to dp your little family unit comes first and you want Xmas day or whatever as your little unit. Do not compromise. If you do, there is no come back in the future and it will be the making of many many awful xmases in the future not just for you but your dcs too. Your not a door mat and you have every justification to do what's right by your family. Good luck!

petalsandstars Tue 10-Sep-13 20:39:51

Did he go to his paternal grandparents for Christmas day growing up? If not and he stayed at home with his parents then there is your argument.

Otherwise you will have to put your foot down now before it gets harder to do.

If MIL gets what she wants because she makes his life uncomfortable and you are easier to back down then this needs to change so it is better for hom to side with you than parrot MILs demands as home life comes first.

Rabbiting0n Tue 10-Sep-13 16:25:40

Yes, Walkacross. You're right. It's getting DH to see it the same way as me without him feeling like it's unreasonable. I honestly can't fathom if he is scared of saying no or genuinely doesn't want to do our own thing as a little family. All I know is MIL expecting we will automatically be up for going to hers and fitting in with their traditions doesn't help.

Sorry if it makes me sound unreasonable but no, cest, I would not be happy for DH to take DD on our annual family holiday without me. I would like our first trip abroad to be something DH and I both share with her. She would only be about 15 months and personally, I think it more important that she spend the week on holiday with her mother and father than with my ILs. I find it odd that DH would even suggest it at her age (although I doubt it was a serious suggestion; I hope it wasn't). I would of course go on holiday with all of them if the alternative was having her abroad without me.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 10-Sep-13 15:51:48

I suspect Rabbiting agrees with us - her problem will be persuading her DH....

cestlavielife Tue 10-Sep-13 15:36:49

ther is no reason not to start having your dp take your dd off to visit ILs abroad or wherever on his own. similarly there may be times you go visit your parents no your own with DD. are you worried he would not bring her back or what?

but for christmas have it just you dp and dd, if that is what you both want, start your own rituals, then vist them aftewards.

Badvoc Tue 10-Sep-13 15:10:25

I used to be like this.
No more.
I go if it suits me and if the dc what to go, but otherwise we stay at home.
It's ace smile

TruJay Tue 10-Sep-13 15:04:18

Totally reasonable to now want your own Christmas with both your daughter and hubby and, if anything other people should be totally encouraging and supportive of this.

My hubby and I started this before our son had been born, I was pregnant and we had just moved into a new house and wanted to have Christmas just us but still saw family over the Christmas period.

We all live very close anyway so even if we just see inlaws for an hour or so in the evening or on boxing day and even if not it isn't an issue.

We have had one Christmas where we have stayed home, done our own dinner and not seen anyone else and on the 2 others we have had our son we have woken up at home on Christmas morning and gone on a Christmas day walk (little tradition of ours) then stayed in til early aft then gone to whoever has been hosting for a big fat dinner! But there would have been no hostility if we had declined the invite.

But just know u are well within your rights to want your little family Christmas and your hubby should understand this or at the very least be willing to listen to your wants and compromise.

A first Christmas for your daughter and first in your new home is important and totally understandable for u to want to share that just the 3 of u

Viking1 Tue 10-Sep-13 15:03:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quiltcover Tue 10-Sep-13 14:52:18

Your mil has had her family Christmases when her dc were growing up. As a new mother, it's now your turn to start building your own family traditions for Christmas for your dd and any subsequent children.
There is something quite special about children waking up in there own home on Christmas morning and seeing that Santa has been, particularly as they get older and enjoy the magic if Christmas.
I want my children to have their Christmas memories from our family home just as your mil did.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 10-Sep-13 14:45:18

Can you invite them to your house? Boxing Day?

i think it is fair enough to have christmas at home when you have little ones, did your DH always have to travel for HIS childhood christmas?

Rabbiting0n Tue 10-Sep-13 14:41:23

Vivacia, I love it!

I am so relieved. I thought you would all say I was a terrible human being!

DH thinks it is normal to keep having these family Christmases, and thinks I am mean for wanting to do our own family thing.

TBH, I'm not sure he really likes me. He would rather go on holiday with his parents and siblings (despite being almost 30). He says it's because they can offer free childcare but I'm not convinced. We go on these family holidays every two years, and when I said I wasn't keen on doing this again next year he got really annoyed and said I could say at home and he would just take DD abroad with his family without me. I know he wouldn't really do that but it does make me wonder if I should risk getting DD a passport.

Start making your own Christmas traditions as a family unit.

Your DH is also likely unable to stand up to his mother due to inbuilt conditioning; after all he has had a lifetime's worth of such treatment and such is very hard to break. They cannot always see ill treatment. Also many men do find it hard to stick up for their own selves because of this issue. Not all men are like this though with regards to their mothers because their own mother/son relationship is a more emotionally healthy one. Your H is still tacitly seeking her approval and is also perhaps far more afraid of her than he is of you.

Your H's primary loyalty needs to be to you and his child, not his parents.

Vivacia Tue 10-Sep-13 14:04:29

Foot. Down. Now.

The best idea I ever read about was the idea of Old family and New family. Basically, that your New family (partner and children) should be a higher priority than your Old (parents and siblings). Both my partner and I live by this and it has saved us from a thousand hurts as far as I can (unscientifically and totally subjectively) tell from the experiences of many of our friends and family.

Now is the perfect time to insist on having Xmas on your own. It's what we did too.

And no matter what MIL does, why does DH always, always stick up for her? Are all men like this, or does my DH just care more about his mum's feelings than his wife's?
As for this bit. Dh used to be a bit like this. He was so used to tuning her out that he didn't really 'hear' the things she was saying. When he did really listen to what she was saying he stood up for me and has done ever since.

fuzzpig Tue 10-Sep-13 13:49:05

argh, sounds stressful.

YWNBU at all to insist on your own family xmas from now on. Now is the time to do it.

simpleth1ngs Tue 10-Sep-13 13:47:09

YANBU, what does DH think?

Rabbiting0n Tue 10-Sep-13 13:45:08

The ILS have raised the issue of Christmas. They want DH, DD and I to go to theirs (along with their other adult DCs). They expect us to spend every other Christmas with them. I went along with this before (even though I hate doing so) but now we have DD, I was expecting DH and I to have our own family Christmases.

It will be DD's first Christmas, and our first Christmas in our new home. I am not prepared to travel to the other side of the country so MIL can recreate some hideous family scene from her DCs' childhoods, with me as an awkward bystander.

AIBU to want to put a stop to these IL family Christmases now that DH and I have DD? I obviously wouldn't say no to seeing them over the Christmas period but without going on and on and boring everyone, the ILs (MIL in particular) have ruined every Christmas I have spent with them, have made me furious and caused private arguments between DH and I (who always sides with his DM).

When will DH and DD stop being MIL's private property? And no matter what MIL does, why does DH always, always stick up for her? Are all men like this, or does my DH just care more about his mum's feelings than his wife's?

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