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DP and DD came to a show down, Im piggy in the middle

(26 Posts)
twoteens Tue 10-Sep-13 12:36:51

dd1 is 18 next month, and dd2 is 17 next month, for 10yrs it was just me and the dds after there dad left and moved 200 miles away so not much contact there.
I really over compensated for the fact that there it was only me and the dds and probley let them get way with far too much.

not helping around the home, not being respectful enough to me, but in other walks of life they are bright clever girls who have let me down on occasions but not really cased me major concern. but really did have the run of our home.

I met dp nearly 3 years ago he was the first man that the girls really got to know and they liked him and were pleased that he made me happy by this point they have very much there own lives so pleased that I had met someone.

me and dp split last year for a short time and I took it hard and the dds knew how upset I was, we got back together and after a while decided that we would give it a go living together.
I discussed it with the dds and they were ok but not overly keen, the reasons i believe is that they know I firm up a little when having back up although he wouldn't interfere.

DD1 is very untidy indeed and lazy in respect of helping around the home its always just in a minute and later and to be fair I have let her get away with it as its just easier then a showdown (I know I havnt done her any favors )
DP is fairly tidy not over the top when he moved in he said that I need to be a bit tougher on dds and get them to help me more round the home and to respect me more but he wouldn't interfere.

Its all been building up and it blew this morning dd1 and dp had words a couple of weeks ago as she used stuff of his and left it lying about she spoke to him very rudely he called her lazy and disrespectful it had been building up.
He gets cross with the way they speak to me and
treat me.
This morning they had a row and really just told each other what they think of each other with me in the middle upset. dd telling me she is going to move out, knowing too well that I wouldn't let her do that.

Dp is not happy as he says I dont back him up when she is being rude to him, and its not going to work unless I get harder with dd, he has a teenage son who he sees but hasnt lived with for 8 years so the dynamics are new to him.
I dont know what to do as I love dp and really want to make it work, the dds have very much there own lives and will most likely be off to uni in the next couple of years but I cant live like this.
dd2 has her moments but her and dp are ok.

HansieMom Tue 10-Sep-13 15:35:36

You do have four adults living in your home. Your DDs should share in housework and cooking. They could have one supper and one breakfast that they each plan and shop for. I have a feeling that they currently do not lift a finger.

I totally agree with ofmiceandmen

I also think if it's only one more year til your DD leaves home then try to find a way through it without taking sides. She is not going to radically change overnight, you will have to pick a few things to work on at a time, so maybe you can focus on those things that will help her function well when she leaves.

theginganinja Tue 10-Sep-13 14:20:43

Persevere, it does get better. My two ended up having a full on fight on the stairs at one stage but, they get on v v well now. If you feel that the relationship is worth saving then you can find the will to work through it. Moving a new ish man into an already established home IS difficult but, your dc are not babies anymore, in a few years they'll be at uni, so although you do have to consider them, you also have to consider what might be the best for you in the long term.

twoteens Tue 10-Sep-13 14:00:13

DD is upper 6th applying for unis now for next year, and she wants to move away to go to uni always has done, and I would always encourage this,
but she is in no way mature enough now to live away from home, I think the crux here is that I have spoiled them and always given in to there wims a feeling of guilt as there farther was such a let down. and now they are not liking change and me stepping up to the mark.
sometimes I see it that dd1 who is exceptionally academic dosent like some home truths being told to her so will retaliate, I know what needs to be done and need to put into practice as we are a unhappy place at the moment which is not good for anyone.

Rabbiting0n Tue 10-Sep-13 13:50:25

Viking I presume the "not allowing it" part means that the OP would get rid of her DP to prevent her DD1 from resorting to moving out; she wouldn't allow the situation to escalate to that level?

ofmiceandmen Tue 10-Sep-13 13:43:58

see this as a good thing. They brought out suppressed feelings. the veils on both sides are well and truly off now. So now you can get to see who he and she truly are and wether they have YOUR best interests at heart.

Viking1 Tue 10-Sep-13 13:42:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ofmiceandmen Tue 10-Sep-13 13:39:07

OK... IMHO (and speaking as a man)

Your Dp needs to come to terms that they are adults (pretty much) and has to learn to deal with them as such. I can only assume in a work environment where he has a messy work colleague he would not confront or verbally challenge that person because they have to get on to achieve the greater good.

Likewise he (being the actual adult) needs to stop and think. How does he resolve this. Apologies not for saying it, but for bringing it up that way.

Let them go out for a movie and just talk. "Hey I'm sorry you felt I was shouting at you or judging you. I just want to make your mother happy.

Can we work together to give her less to do in the house?"

Then YOU set up a rota and you are the company CEO who dictates who does what equally. Make it a team effort.

Neither of them are wrong - she is right that he is coming in with his own rules. he is right that she is a lazy brat, but who wins by being right.

We begrudgingly accept out birth parents 'scoldings' because we have to, but new P's have not earned the right. So they need to be th adult and negotiate their way better.

AND I ACTUALLY SIDE WITH HIM BUT NOT HOW HE WENT ABOUT IT.

simpleth1ngs Tue 10-Sep-13 13:36:22

At what age do you anticipate them moving out?

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 13:33:05

I understand that you don't want your dd to think you are choosing (and I know that we would all choose our children over new partners), but I think part of your conversation should be to put that choice back on her.

Does she really want you to "choose" her over him? Does she want to look back in five years when she is off living her life, knowing that she put a spanner in the works of your relationship and that you are alone?

If she doesn't like him and thinks he is bad for you (and it sounds as though she may have reason to), that is one thing, but if she is just causing trouble for the sake of it that is another thing entirely.

Try to find out which it is.

twoteens Tue 10-Sep-13 13:28:17

Thankyou so much for all your reply's and words of wisdom, will sit down with dds later (dp on nights) and have a heart to heart I dont want to lose dp over this but cant ever see me choosing him over dd if it came to it, and thats what scares me as I would be resentful towards dd as would feel as she was to blame.

ExcuseTypos Tue 10-Sep-13 13:20:49

Agree with Maryz. I think a good talk with dd, in private is the best place to start.

I also think you're DDs might be expecting you to split up again, so maybe this is affecting their behaviour towards your P. If they know why you split last year, I expect that has coloured their opinion of him.

Jammee Tue 10-Sep-13 13:18:41

Just thought I'd say stick with DP. You acknowledge that DD1 is lazy, rude and gets away with too much. Your DP is sticking up for you and doesn't sound to be too harsh or interfering, and as you say, your DDs will probably leave home soon.

My parents divorced when I was 3. DM has been single ever since. When we were younger and at home she didn't want to introduce a new man to the dynamic (and I for one, would have hated it; I was probably very like your DD1). Now we are grown up and have our own lives and families. DM is on her own, lonely and sad.

DD1 is essentially an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself and you need to do what makes you happy and think about yourself. If that is having DP around, back him up and try to mediate the two of them. Don't let your children run your life; once they have left home you'll regret it.

theginganinja Tue 10-Sep-13 13:17:07

I think Dp is right about you not backing him up. If you are to last then you have to be seen to be united on this. I have sometimes (in the past) thought my own dh was overly tough on my ds (who is not his biological son), but I would back him up in front of ds and then talk to dh in private once he'd calmed down and anything that he was particularly unreasonable about would become clear to him and he would then talk to ds and it would be resolved. Sounds simple but I really feel that if your dd feels that if she can play one off the other then she will.
I would agree with him in front of dd, especially as she appears to be taking you for granted somewhat and then anything that you feel is unreasonable you can tackle in private with him.

Tbh I think it probably wasn't a good idea for him to move in with you. Your DDs had already seen him break your heart and probably heard bad things about him, how likely is it they're going to be happy he's around and have respect for him? There is probably a lot of unresolved anger there.

Also they probably feel that things have been happy at home for 10 years, who is this guy to come in and make changes?

Regardless of whether your DP is right and your DD needs to shape up, I have some empathy for her position. You freely admit it's your fault she's so spoiled, now you want her to do a 180 for the sake of your DP who's already messed you around once.

I don't think you need to pick sides -- you risk losing either your partner or your daughter. I think Maryz' suggestions are really good. And who knows, maybe having that big argument cleared the air and now you can all move forward.

Madratlady Tue 10-Sep-13 13:02:59

She's 18, if she doesn't like your rules or respect you then why shouldn't she move out? I would guess that it's an empty threat unless the has a job and could afford it though. Lots of teenagers move away for uni at her age and look after themselves.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 13:00:18

Can you go out for a chat with dd1 and find out why she is so angry about it all.

See if you can come to a compromise with her about what she thinks you should do next. Does she want him out of the house? Is she prepared to stay away from his stuff? Can you negotiate an armed truce between dd and dp, draw a line under it and move on?

Moving on would mean setting limits and rules for everyone in the house, but you could decide on those not in the heat of the moment. Get everyone to write down what they are willing to do chore-wise, and what their expectations are of everyone else. I've found getting teenagers to write down what they expect to do and have done for them can be a bit of a wake-up for them.

What you don't want and shouldn't allow is to let yourself be the piggy in the middle.

MrRected Tue 10-Sep-13 12:55:16

I totally sympathise with you. It's difficult to say no and stand up to your own child.

She needs your guidance. She will really struggle to find a functional balance in life if she doesn't learn the basics of contribution, work, respect and consideration.

twoteens Tue 10-Sep-13 12:50:48

I have always been over protective of dd1 as she is more sensitive then dd2 and has some issues when she was 15, I know I need to toughen up but find it really difficult.
me and DP split up as a ex girlfriend came back on the scene and I felt she and him were getting too close but that issue was sorted, although dd will use it too her advantage

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 12:47:30

You need to make a decision as to who is "right" in this argument.

If your dp is correct, if your dd is rude and lazy and disrespectful to you (not so important for your decision how she is to him, but if she is like this to you), then you need to deal with her. She is an adult - she needs to either contribute to the household (money or chores), or at the very least be appreciative of those who do.

If your dp is wrong, and your dd is a lovely, helpful, considerate and respectful person to you when your dp isn't around, then you can look at it from her point of view.

So which is it?

You have to make up your mind, then you can decide where to go from here.

In two years time your dd's will most likely be gone. If you take her side now, knowing that this incident is her fault, your dp will quite probably be gone by then too sad

MrRected Tue 10-Sep-13 12:41:57

Oops sorry for multiple posts - iPad grrrr

MrRected Tue 10-Sep-13 12:41:23

In blunt terms - toughen up and stop being your DDs friend.

She is an adult. She NEEDS to learn to respect you, your home, your DP and whatever rules you set. You are doing her no favours by enabling her lazy, selfish and disrespectful behaviour.

MrRected Tue 10-Sep-13 12:41:21

In blunt terms - toughen up and stop being your DDs friend.

She is an adult. She NEEDS to learn to respect you, your home, your DP and whatever rules you set. You are doing her no favours by enabling her lazy, selfish and disrespectful behaviour.

expatinscotland Tue 10-Sep-13 12:39:52

Why did you split up with him in the first place?

JumpingJackSprat Tue 10-Sep-13 12:39:47

your daughter sounds like a disrespectful spoilt brat. i think you need to instill some ground rules, like not using other peoples stuff.

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