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Would you tell the OW's husband?

(86 Posts)
PTFsWife Tue 10-Sep-13 12:32:51

So I have now had the opportunity to read the over 800 emails that were sent between my husband and the OW during the course of their 5 month affair. (vile reading)

I am in no way excusing my husband in what happened (that is a whole different story) but what has come to light is that this woman is a serial philanderer. While she was having an affair with my husband, she was not only married (with three young children) but was simultaneously continuing a 7 year long affair with another man. Apparently her husband found out about it years ago, she said she had called it off, he forgave her and they moved on with their marriage.

Yet he is unaware (as far as I can tell) about the fact that she continued this affair AND had a second affair with my husband AT THE SAME TIME. And those are the ones we know about. She is a pro - she outlined rules of communication etc to my husband, referred to her husband (and me) as 'neighbours in their beds' and completely knew which buttons to push to get my husband behaving like a complete tit.

Part of me really wants to tell her husband (mainly so that she doesn't keep getting away with her revolting behaviour) but mostly I think it's got nothing to do with me and that it would hurt him and potentially fuck up the lives of those three innocent children.

But I am sorely tempted. Would you tell?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 10-Sep-13 12:46:55

She sounds like a poor excuse for a human being but honestly right now don't waste energy on her.

Chyochan Tue 10-Sep-13 13:02:13

Poor guy

GoingUpInTheWorld Tue 10-Sep-13 13:04:38

I would, but how on earth does she have time to satisfy all these men with 3 young children?

wannaBe Tue 10-Sep-13 13:07:55

how do you know about the other affair?

You and your dh should probably be tested for STD's, sorry that's not a nice thought but ...

Ask yourself why you want to tell the husband, do you really think he deserves to know or is it about how you feel and how you want to get revenge? If you tell him it's not you responsible for those children - she is. But do think about your reasons before you go down that road.

IMO there's no right or wrong answer, some people would, some wouldn't, it's not right or wrong either way..

expatinscotland Tue 10-Sep-13 13:09:10

I would tell because I'd want to know.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 10-Sep-13 13:11:10

It would depend on the reasons for doing it. If its purely revenge driven, then don't. However if you don't want him planning his future and his children's future based on a lie then do it. Lots of people here have said they wished someone had told them as they felt humiliated afterwards wondering how many others knew and for how long. Bear in mind the messenger always gets shot so you may get flak from all 3 sides.
Good luck whatever you decide.

I don't think there's any hard and fast answer on telling the spouse, you have to look at each case individually. In this case I think I would tell him. It's not like she made a one-off mistake or even fell into a delusional state for a few months with another guy, if it's 7 years she is virtually leading a double life.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 10-Sep-13 13:15:08

Im intrigued by the "neighbours in their beds" phrase. She sounds batty.
I would tell, your motivation for doing so is irrelevant, he deserves to know that his whole life is a lie.

ElBombero Tue 10-Sep-13 13:16:53

Yes I bloody would, fuck em, why the hell should she get away with it.

notsurewhattodo23 Tue 10-Sep-13 13:17:15

She's already fucked up the lives of her children. Tell him.

My ExP was having an affair and I received a letter from the OW's husband as I knew nothing about it. I hated him for telling me at the time for ruining my life/relationship/son's life (we split up in the end) but with hindsight I'm glad he told me. At least I could start to rebuild my life without him instead of living a lie.

Her relationship with her husband will end eventually, why not now?

simpleth1ngs Tue 10-Sep-13 13:37:32

I'd tell.

isla2009 Tue 10-Sep-13 13:42:07

Yes tell. I did and the husband thanked me for it. They had actually split up by then but she had conveniently blamed him for their issues - he had absolutely no idea that she'd been sleeping with my husband at the time.

BeCool Tue 10-Sep-13 13:42:19

Another option would to tell OW now you are going to tell her H. And then sit back and think for a while as to if you will actually tell him.

That is the very least of what I would be doing in your situation.

Vivacia Tue 10-Sep-13 13:43:50

I'm not sure what I'd do. Probably start a thread on the internet asking for advice (seriously). My gut reaction is that you probably have enough on your plate and focusing on her and how mad and bad she is might take your energies away from (more painful) other things.

I'm not sure if you want to discuss this on here, but would be interested to know how your situation developed after your husband's trip.

Vivacia Tue 10-Sep-13 13:44:57

Actually, thinking about how you found out, why hasn't the OW's husband found out for the same reason?

Kaekae Tue 10-Sep-13 13:48:36

I would, although I don't know how I would go about it. I know someone who was sent a hand delivered letter informing her about the affair her husband was having. She decided to stay with him and he is still having the affair! shock

meditrina Tue 10-Sep-13 13:49:39

Well, the person who has endangered OW's marriage and DC's wel-being is the OW and discovery is a risk she was prepared to take.

If you believe that her H should be able to take decisions about his marriage in th ligh of all relevant information, then tell

If you just want revenge, then don't.

PTFsWife Tue 10-Sep-13 13:51:25

I found out as I read all the emails that went between them. My husband admitted the affair and then basically made all the incriminating evidence available to me should I wish to read it. He could have hidden it by saying that he had made an expenses mistake at work and I'd have been none the wiser. He chose to come clean. She hasn't (as far as I know). I also don't know if she has kept her job. He has kept his.

I don't want to say too much more on here. But I think mostly it is not my place to get involved in their life. I don't know him at all. There can be no good that comes out of me telling him other than that the poor dupe doesn't get to live his life with such a philandering slut. But frankly, I have my own issues to worry about right now.

It is massively tempting to tell just to hurt her - but that would be doing it purely for revenge.

VenusRising Tue 10-Sep-13 13:52:25

Tell. She could be HIV positive. Some present to bring home to her DH.
Get yourselves tested too.

PTFsWife Tue 10-Sep-13 13:55:17

i have an appointment at the sexual health clinic tomorrow. I have told husband he needs to go too.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 13:55:42

I'd print a few e-mails and post them to him. No note, nothing. He can decide what he does with the information once he has it.

somersethouse Tue 10-Sep-13 13:56:28

I wouldn't tell.
I don't know why, I just wouldn't.

I would hold the moral high ground, you can always change your mind in future and presumably she knows this.
Sorry for what has happened to you though sad

Vivacia Tue 10-Sep-13 13:56:50

I agree with all of your other reasons, but if your current, prime motivation is revenge then I think you're right to hang fire. It just feels as though nothing good can come of acting with this as your reason.

I know that this is unsolicited advice, but I would be careful of comparing your husband's action with hers and him coming off better. Just because there's someone who has behaved worse shouldn't put his behaviour in a good light.

somersethouse Tue 10-Sep-13 13:57:13

Actually, yes, I would email her and tell her you have all her emails. Then do nothing.

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