Perv or starved of affection?

[SnottyMorag]

My partner and I have only been together around 14 months and already it feels like we're an old married couple. He barely comes near me. He's not nasty to me or anything like that, we go out together, watch tv and movies together, talk etc but there is no affection there from him. He'll be intimate around twice a week but its become really obvious that this is for my benefit only (I have to instigate and he never seems that enthusiastic) but there is no touching, no caressing or anything else. Last night we were sat watching tv, he was laying on me do I was stroking his head and back etc, he enjoys it but I never get it back from him. At 11.15 we went to bed and he brought that fucking iPad up to play on. Now I've long suspected that he uses this as a distraction from having to be physical with me in bed (he'll play on that until I'm too tired for anything else) and last night he proved it. As soon as we got into bed I asked if he was playing on iPad, he said yes so I said "ok goodnight" when he realised I was going straight to sleep he suddenly changed his mind and said he couldn't be arsed with the iPad and was also going straight to sleep.

So we're in bed and he has his arm around me ABOVE the covers with a bit of duvet squashed inbetween us like a physical barrier I moved his arm into the covers and laid his hand on my breast, he half heartedly moved his hand about a bit and then put his arm back on top of the covers and said goodnight. Got a bit upset at this point and asked why he never shows any interest in me of ever wants to touch me, he said he loved me and I was being silly but I miss that touch so much I sometimes fantasise about having a NSA affair just to feel wanted again. He just doesn't get it, I'm not on about full sex, but is it too much to expect a stroke of the boobs in bed etc? We never do oral either, he did it twice at the beginning of our relationship, since then I've done it a few times to him with little response so I've given up :-( feeling a bit rejected. Doesn't help that st the weekend he got drunk and shouted that he didn't love me and didn't want me near him :-( he swears that was all bollocks but his behaviour supports it doesn't it.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Um.... leave.

[Lovingfreedom]

Time to move on?

[Walkacrossthesand]

Sorry you're having to deal with this. What were his circumstances before you moved in together, and/or is he sufficiently tight/money-conscious, and you sufficiently solvent, that living with someone he doesn't really desire (sorry) is something he might do? Has he had successful relationships before? (although we can never really know what went on of course). Might he be repressing gayness? I hate the 'strategies to protect against unwanted advances' thing - I've been on the receiving end of that and it hurts.

[SirRaymondClench]

I don't understand your title.
Where does the perv bit come into it?

14 months in and it's been like this?
I'm sorry but I doubt this is going to get any better.
Leave.

[Lovingfreedom]

But is this even worth the analysis? You've been together 14 months, the sex is shit, he doesn't seem to be that into you, you are consisting going elsewhere....face it...it's just not working out. He sounds like a drag to me.

[meditrina]

If you've started to fantasise about an affair, you are on the slippery slope to having one. If you choose to, it will complicate everything. You don't need an exit affair, you need to make choices about what you want your future to be like and whether DP has any part in that. You are lucky to have an obvious wake up call that your relationship in its current form is unsustainable, especially given the insults DP is slinging at you.

Look back - did his behaviour change sharply in a short period, or has he always been like this? What was the good, healthy relationship with him like?

You need to look at the possibility that you have indeed outgrown this relationship. Do you communicate well about anything?

[SnottyMorag]

He joked that I was a perv last night before we went to bed because I asked him to stroke my leg. I've never had this before though, a man with so little interest in me/intimacy. He's only ever had one serious relationship before me and that spanned from his early 20s to his late 30s so pretty much all of his adult life. He is the higher earner but he needs me to contribute to the mortgage or he wouldn't be able to afford it and he loves this house - I often wonder if that's why I'm here, until he can secure the house financially without me.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Get out now. I married mine. Ok somehow we got 2 fab dcs but I had years of this.

Now have a great dp but took me years.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Yes sorry but you're a cash cow.

Get out!!

[SnottyMorag]

Looking back we used to have an amazing sex life and he seemed really into me - I suppose it all changed once we moved in together. We communicate ok but I find myself less willing to bring certain subjects up as time goes on as he's unpredictable and can blow up unexpectedly.

[Lovingfreedom]

It's just tough shit if he can't afford the mortgage. Move out...and in future don't move in with anyone unless they are sexy and interesting.

[Lovingfreedom]

I can't understand how him having given you oral sex twice ever can translate as a 'really good sex life'

[BigW]

It's not going to get any better, so what's the point of wasting your time. I would get out pronto.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

How old are you both and are any dcs living there?

[CharlieAlphaKiloEcho]

It really doesn't sound worth the effort OP.

Honestly, intimacy is a pretty important thing to you and he's just not providing that. At 14 months down the line it's not exactly going to get better is it?

If you are starting to feel used for convenience or mortgage payments then you probably are.

Time to move on and find a better fit - or just spend some time taking care of yourself for a while.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

If you're not married and don't have DCs then leave whilst you're still free to do so. Seriously he's not likely to start wanting more sex in the future and if he makes you feel bad about your sexuality then do you really want him as a lifelong partner?

If you don't then staying wastes both your time. He can always sell the house if he can't afford to keep up payments, you only get one life and only get to live each year once.

[SnottyMorag]

I know you're probably right and I'm also probably looking at our early days with rose tinted glasses on too - I remember we used to have sex A LOT but there probably wasn't much affection in it even then.
At the moment our bed time routines are full of tension. If I say I'm going to bed earlier than normal he either panics and tries to get me to stay up, says he'll come with me but play on the ipad or simply says he's staying up - once we're in bed together if I face him he seems all tense as if he's anticipating having to turn me down, if I face away from him it's like I'm being funny with him - I've tried not instigating sex at all and it just means we don't do it, he's quite happy to not do it and I end up caving because I miss it and then again I'm the desperate one coming onto him again.

[meditrina]

" We communicate ok but I find myself less willing to bring certain subjects up as time goes on as he's unpredictable and can blow up unexpectedly."

This isn't ok.

[LyraSilvertongue]

If things are this bad only 14 months in, I think you have to accept that you're with the wrong man and he's with you for some reason other than wanting to be with you, ie the mortgage.

I've been in his position when I was with XP and I'd lost all interest in intimacy with him. I'd let him go to bed first, wait up till I was sure he'd be asleep and creep into bed silently so he wouldn't wake up and try anything on.
Needless to say it was only a matter of time before that relationship broke down completely. We have two dc so it was complicated. If we hadn't, I'd have left a lot sooner.

Now I'm with a new DP and a year in our sex life is still fantastic and I can't see that changing for a long, long time. I'd thought I just didn't like sex when I was with XP but it was just that I didn't want to do it with him.

[SlangKing]

I'm at a loss to understand a guy who has a female partner in the house and doesn't want to give your boobs an affectionate 'scrunch' on a regular basis. There are exceptions to every rule but it makes most women feel appreciated/wanted. If I had a pair of my own I don't think I'd leave the house! Then, he's unresponsive to you instigating oral. Christ, right now I'd be re-tiling your f*cking roof in return. Seriously, he doesn't appreciate you or what you have to offer. It's chipping away at your confidence so the longer you delay leaving the harder it'll be. Your starved of affection and there are plenty of guys out there that'll give it to you. Also, being on your own is better than that.

[SlangKing]

No edit button? That should be "YOU'RE starved,,," - (before the grammar Nazis descend).

[Lovingfreedom]

SlangKing...you sound very romantic...and I've got a few loose slates

[SlangKing]

I'd better get down the library then to find a book on how to tile a roof.

[SnottyMorag]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'll update but it's more of the same really. As his excuse is always that he's "tired" I made a point of saying I was going to bed last night around 11pm. He said "yeah me too" - good sign you'd think but no, he brought the ipad up and sat in bed playing on childish puzzle games on that. I cuddled up to him whilst he played on it, kept stroking his belly and kissing him and then after 20 minutes or so he turned it off, gave me a quick kiss and said "I'm going to get to sleep now, I'm so tired. Night Night" if he's so tired, why come up and play on the sodding ipad???? Plus - he had an erection so I just don't understand at all :-(

This morning we're both awake but it's very early (around 6am) and he's hugging me and I move his hands slighly over onto my boobs. He moves them away. I say "why is it you can't bear to touch me?" and he said "what?? course I can!" so I said "but you never do?" and so he replied "I'm just shy I suppose, don't want you to get mad at me for touching you all the time." what a load of absolute noise!! how can you be shy with someone you've been in a long term relationship with for so long and how can you be wary of being told off when it's ME moving his ffing hands there in the first place!!??

What IS going on? Might go and post on the blokes forum too.

[lemonmuffin]

'but his behaviour supports it doesn't it.'

Yes it does. he doesn't want you. No idea why, maybe there's some complicated issue going on with him, but it's up to you if you can put up with it and try to sort it. Don't think I could though.