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Been in a Refuge?? How did you cope especially with 'abusive' Women who are just there to "get a house"?

(24 Posts)
fackinell Tue 10-Sep-13 11:05:32

* setting for her

fackinell Tue 10-Sep-13 11:04:51

Im shockat your friend!! IMO abusers never change, just mask the behaviour, and she should be giving him a wide berth for the safety of everyone concerned!! Please remind her (at least) of the importance of anonymity for the refuge!!

Try freecycle for some gadgets.

I'm shocked at management allowing this behaviour tbh. My mum had zero tolerance for bullying and I've seen all five foot of her dealing with both women and men who break the rules.

It is bloody awful, but it will make you and your DD stronger. Think of the fantastic example you are settings I her. I take no abusive shite from men and its thanks to women like you and my mother, who teach children how to stand up for themselves. smile

SubliminalMassaging Tue 10-Sep-13 06:20:12

My god, it sounds like being in prison. sad These sound like the women Erin Pizzey talked about - women who were in their own way as bad as their abusers, who thrived on a co-dependency of abuse and violence, and were incapable of living without chaos and aggression in their lives even when they were offered the chance of a fresh start.

Of course if you have led a fucked up life and existed in a cycle of bullying, power, fear and aggression from start to finish you can often end up like this, and it's hard to know where the victim stops and a new abuser starts. It's just a shame they have children. sad

But then she was totally villified and discredited by many women's rights activists for daring to say that and I suppose I will be on this thread, too. It seems women in DV situations must always be painted as perfect, saintly and blameless which of course very often they are. But not always.

I am guessing if these women are as awful as you say then they may be known to the council/authorities, probably repeatedly losing the homes they are placed in due to anti-social behaviour. Hopefully you will be considered for housing ahead of them, if they have 'form'.

Keep your head down, stay safe, and hold onto the fact that it won't be forever. I wish you strength and some good luck.

Incidentally, if you are given priority for housing on the basis of fleeing a DV situation, what happens if you known to have returned the the same relationship and the abusive (or apparently abusive) partner moves in with you? Do you lose that house?

NotDead Tue 10-Sep-13 05:24:05

I guess not all refuges are the same. A non-abusive atmosphere should be enforced whilst still allowing a working through of emotions for some. Are there optiins to talk to senior management or to seek another refuge. If its not working for you, its not wrong to change that.

It seems a shame that you are having to put energy intokeeping anti-abuse boundaries up in a centre like this. I hope others have good exoerienced advice for you. In my 'learnt through others' experience zero tolerance of shit behaviour is part of tge best recovery programs

CairngormsClydesdale Tue 10-Sep-13 05:03:37

Bloody hell, thinks have certainly changed since I was in one! (1994)

Back then the staff took absolutely NO shit, threw the book at one woman who was having her new boyfriend stay over and even threatened to kick me out because I was a bit er... "slack" about the cleaning rota!

What on earth has gone wrong? Or is everyone too afraid to call someone up on their shitty behaviour these days? sad

Bedtime1 Tue 10-Sep-13 03:37:16

Well done shades. I was feeling sorry for myself tonight then read what you are going through and felt ashamed of myself.
Please never give up hope.. Time heals and please remember you won't be in this position forever no matter how bad it feels right now. Don't let those women grind you down. It's hard to appear confident to them when your Going through tough times but try and keep strong and ignore them. You are better Person.

My heart goes out to you. I can't bare to think of you feeling like your on your own when you've suffered so much. I hope you know we are all here.

Which area are you based in?

Is there anything I could send you to make you feel better?

scripsi Tue 10-Sep-13 02:17:25

You've done amazingly well.
And btw if you were a friend of mine who had drifted away after marriage, I would absolutely love to hear from you now. Can't you get back in touch with them?

Ledkr Tue 10-Sep-13 01:35:50

Just stay out of the way as much as you can, it's short time compared to a Lifetime.
My life has been lovely since getting out all those years ago, I've never regretted it for a second.
Can you get a cheap tv n stuff? It would help.
Just remember its temporary and will be worth it.

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 01:06:18

Led yes its still like that, but I hope not all of them.

I have a friend here but she can't cope with the chaos and she's secretly seeing her abuser to see if he'll change and she can go back. Well I have tried my best tell her that It'll take amillion years for an abuser to change. I've been there and it never worked..so will leave her to learn her lesson. Otherwise she is a sweet gentle lady and we've both been through same so we understand each other a lot.

Ledkr Tue 10-Sep-13 01:00:31

God is it still like that?
I was in one about 26 yrs ago and it was horrible then. I went back to my abuser fir a bit but ended up back at refuge again. So hang in there. Do you have any idea of time scales?
As for the women do try to lay low but also don'took too intimidated, head up look confident that puts bullies off.
Do you have any friends there?

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:59:25

Thank you straight ..mumsnet is surely the place to get comfort when at my lowest points. And thank you for being here to listen.

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:56:16

We are still trying to settle in so no entertainment gadgets yet ..

StraightJacket Tue 10-Sep-13 00:55:50

Oh no, that doesn't sound good at all sad

You could do with as much support as you can get right now, I wish with all my heart you had it I truly do.

Remember though, although not quite the same, you have us ladies here to talk to. We are always here to support you whenever you need it!

Here is hoping you and DD aren't waiting long for a home to call your own smile

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:54:48

Thanks fackinell

Sorry to hear you ended up in Refuge as a child..but I'm sure you must be proud of your mum for making big decision too.

We are still trying to settle in so not entertainment gadgets yet but I'm looking into purchasing a couple to keep me and DD pretty occupied and less stressed up.

fackinell Tue 10-Sep-13 00:47:41

Shades, well done for getting away from your abuser. I spent several months in a refuge as a child and my DM worked for WA. It really will get better!! They need to move people on ASAP due to demand and soon you will have a lovely flat for you and your DC.

Keep your head down and don't get involved with any of them. Do you have a TV for your room or someone you can borrow a combi tv/dvd, kettle etc from to make life in your room a bit more pleasant?

Keep telling yourself it WILL get better. You have made the bravest of decisions, it's only up for you and DC from here. thanks

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:47:37

Thanks thecook ..that's my daily my prayer.

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:45:56

Thanks straight ,

Very kind of you to support your SIL..--wish my effing sil would support me--

We are allowed 3nights away but my family isn't very supportive so either way I have to just stay in. Lost all my friends when I got married so no hope there. I try to be out every single day but as soon as I get back in the house..the misery begins.

thecook Tue 10-Sep-13 00:44:35

Oh my love. I pray you get a house or a flat soon. Then life willl start again for you.

Sending my best wishes xx

StraightJacket Tue 10-Sep-13 00:36:15

My SIL is currently in a refuge and has been told she can stay out 3 nights a week. Can you do the same to have a break away from these women? Do you have somewhere you can stay, a friends, or parents maybe?

I have no idea what else to suggest. Been struggling to keep the SIL positive about it, but the main thing is to keep the goal in sight. It may seem far off right now, but it will be worth it when you are settled in your new home with your DD away from your abusive ex (((hugs)))

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:35:48

Thanks. Any for your support. thanks

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:34:23

Thanks Hissy ,

I keep on singing a song in my head that everything will be alright but my eyes are flooded with tears. Its like jumping from a frying pan on to fire. I left an abusive man and then ran to a "safe" house only to live with other abusive women. Irresponsible drinking which is followed by anti-social behavior, can't sleep at night due to noice ,drugs, fights every day, police knocking on the doors every other night..sad this isn't the life I wanted to find myself into. Its very saddening but I will keep focused and look on the brighter side of things. Reading keeps my mind occupied and thanks to Mumsnet too .

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 00:31:22

I am soooo sorry to see this. I don't have any answers for you, but wanted to add my message as it is quiet at this time of night and along with Hissy, wanted to add my support

it sounds horrible but keep hanging in there...a better life awaits you and your dd, much better than being in abusive relationship

keep to yourself and try not to get involved with the dramaramas

I am utterly shocked at these women and think that they should be utterly ashamed of themselves

Hissy Tue 10-Sep-13 00:27:46

My love, you've already been so brave, and it's not over yet.

Soon it will be. Life may be almost as bad as it can get, but it's better than living in abusive relationships.

Put it this way, life can only get better.. hang on in there, things will come through for you.

Keep posting, we're here for you! (((hug)))

shadesofwhite Tue 10-Sep-13 00:21:27

Sounds odd but yes...me and DD are in a Refuge and there no houses for bidding yet..so its quite a wait. There are ladies in the Refuge who pick fights just for the sake of it. CalL you every name under the sun over petty issues. I hate shared accomodation and I do my best to stay away from these particular women who have police and social services after them. I'm not perfect and I am so relieved I left my STBXH, getting loads of therapy and support from the Refuge but Jesus Christ..some women are nightmares. They have confessed to everyone that they just need a house and being in a Refuge its quicker for them..but why make life a living hell for some of us who are genuinely running away from abusers?? I'm not talking about something I'm not sure about, we've met them in town playing happy families with their partners and at the end of the day,they come back to the Refuge and make life worse.its already worse enough for me and I dont know what to do. The HV has helped me get DD on a stable routine hence moving to another Refuge to run away from these 2ladies is not an aoption.

Don't know if you understand what I'm rumbling about but I'm in my room next to DD and in tears. Life can't get any worse than this. sad. Please tell me how to cope or live with this.

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