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Stonewalling DP.

(14 Posts)
IgglePiggleisaPITA Mon 09-Sep-13 19:04:37

I didn't even know this had an official name until I saw it mentioned on here.
Dp has always done this, often maliciously rather than not knowing what to say - at least that's my take on it anyway.
He will often be in a bad mood, make digs at me and twist what I say to try to start an argument, when I ask him what's wrong he will say nothing or that he is tired and being an arsehole, but wont stop being an arsehole iyswim.
He does this until he gets a reaction - I get either angry or upset, then backs off and ignores me. Often hiding under the covers in bed while I stupidly beg him to talk and try to resolve things. He seems to relish this but denies that and says he is just cooling off, but he will mock me when I cry making comments like, oh look the water works again, that's what Iggle always does when she wants her own way - then shuts off again. It really does seem like he gets some enjoyment out of it.
This sounds worse written down then it does in rl. It doesn't happen all the time - often when he has been stressed about something or bottling something up.
We have small dc, and I want to work on having a healthy relationship. I want to be a happy family.
When he is not being an arsehole he is generally quite open to committing us and admits that there are parts of him that he has to work on.

Is there anyway to work on this, has anyone had similar experiences ?

IgglePiggleisaPITA Mon 09-Sep-13 20:53:09

Shameful bump blush

Dahlen Mon 09-Sep-13 21:02:22

I'm sorry you're feeling down about this.

IME it's impossible to make anyone change their behaviour unless they want to. Sometimes someone changes just by appeal to their better nature. That's great when it happens. These are usually the relationships that are otherwise loving and respectful but may have a problem with communication. Frank discussion can help, as can counselling. Sometimes writing a letter (so you don't get flustered and confrontational) can work but you have to take care not to sound whingy and patronising.

Other times, it is possible to get someone to want to change their behaviour by issuing an ultimatum. That only works if you are prepared to carry out the non-compliance threat, however. Whether it's wanting someone to do the dishes more often, give up porn, or stop gas-lighting you, no one changes unless the consequences of not changing their behaviour are way worse than carrying on doing what they're doing and putting up with a partner who is often in a bit of a huff.

With that in mind, the next question you need to ask yourself is not how you can get your DH to change. It is: does he love me and respect me and how far am I prepared to go to achieve what I want.

Good luck.

BloomingRose Mon 09-Sep-13 21:03:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IgglePiggleisaPITA Mon 09-Sep-13 21:10:38

Thanks for the replies, I have tried a letter in the past and it has worked, thanks Dhalen.
thanks Blooming will check the books out.
He has got good points. Its just hard to think of them when he is being an arse. He comes from a pretty dysfunctional family. I am pretty sure he just thinks its normal, until I point it out then he apologises.. but it always happens again.
We have been together for what feels like forever.

BloomingRose Mon 09-Sep-13 21:12:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IgglePiggleisaPITA Mon 09-Sep-13 21:15:42

I feel loved, but not the rest really. I know he loves me but he doesn't cherish and support me.
It doesn't happen too often tbh 3 times a year max. It just has such a huge impact on me when it does happen.

BloomingRose Mon 09-Sep-13 21:18:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IgglePiggleisaPITA Mon 09-Sep-13 21:20:35

Actually yes, things are hardly ever resolved.
Maybe it happens more often than I realised.

BloomingRose Mon 09-Sep-13 21:24:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall Tue 10-Sep-13 05:28:49

You've got to change your reaction to what he does, because he obviously gets something from doing it.

Perhaps saying sharply "OH FUCK OFF" and ignoring him until he behaves like a grownup next time he does something like that, then refusing to engage might do the trick.

NotDead Tue 10-Sep-13 05:50:44

did his family/parents tell him off for having 'bad' emotions? did partners leave him if he ever expressed that he was unhappy? do you tell him off for 'bad' emotions?

NotDead Tue 10-Sep-13 05:54:58

also waiting for someone to go through emotions and being patient without getting angry about your needs is more generous and more effective than assuming every behaviour is an anti-you tactic.. that in itself is problematic

NotDead Tue 10-Sep-13 05:56:10

also waiting for someone to go through emotions and being patient without getting angry about your needs is more generous and more effective than assuming every behaviour is an anti-you tactic.. that in itself is problematic

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