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Relationship in need of fixing URGENTLY

(82 Posts)
TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 13:35:06

Hi,

I have a perfect DD who was a surprise. Neither of us were what you would call ready but then who is. We were 23 and 24 when I was pregnant and 24 and 25 when she was born so of a reasonable age to settle down also having been together for about 5 years. We are now 26 and 27.

Recently, he is very depressed. He feels his life is spent looking forward to coming home from work but once he is home just waiting to go to sleep as we either just watch Dora or play with our daughter. When I suggest a trip to the park etc he just says he doesn't want to. He says he was not ready for family life and does not enjoy it.

The weekends are worse, He freely admits sleeping in for as long as possible at the weekends because the weekends are so boring and lie ins are the only thing he looks forward to in his pitiful life. Once again, any suggestions for family fun are met with 'I dont want to do that' or 'thats boring'. He simply only gets excited or motivated about going out with his friends. His friends mostly have kids now and mostly the rest have settled with partners and probably will have them soon. Practically everything to do with our 2 year old daughter is left to me. He has changed a few nappies but has no idea how to actually do them, has never once bathed her, once or twice he has put her to bed but never on his own as i was there too. I literally do everything apart from one night a week (2.5hrs max which he acts like is the biggest deal ever and never fails to bring it up if i ask for more) and very rare occasions when he cares for her. He even once text me asking how long it would be til i was home as she had done a poo.

He has stated many a time that his unhappiness is not with me as he couldnt ask for a better girlfriend but also thinks the way to solve this problem is to leave me. He states he is not sure what he wants. This weekend he dropped a clanger, stating that if he did leave, he would want her to live with him. I said NO straight away. I have always said I would be more than reasonable. He can see her whenever he wants but she lives with me, end of! My problem is, if it isn't me that he is unhappy with... Why the hell am I the only thing he wants out of his life? If she lives with him everything stays the same apart from me and he obviously has no idea how to look after her as he has never done it. We both work full time so after work it should be equal i think. We have a good life, we own our own house, have good jobs each, own cars, beautiful daughter and good health. I think he needs to understand the value of that but he simply doesnt.

BASICALLY, I AM WONDERING WHAT ACTIVITIES I CAN DO WITH A TODDLER THAT ALWAYS PLAYS UP IN PUBLIC THAT WILL INCLUDE AND EXCITE HIM AND PERSUADE HIM THAT ITS NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM???

Thanks in Advance

A very desperate mother
xx

CailinDana Mon 09-Sep-13 13:42:24

You can't force him to want to be a father. The thing about wanting your dd to live with him sounds like a threat. Is it?

Sorry but I think he needs a big wake up call.
Yes to him moving out.
But he can't take your DD and if he really wants her he will have to fight through the courts.
I would highlight to him exactly what he does with her a make it clear that he can move out and you won't object at all but he doesn't do anything with DD right now and it's all down to you so you will be her main carer.
Pack him a bag right now in fact and tell him to do one when he gets home.
I'm raging for you - he's entitled arsehole!!!!

SleepyCatOnTheMat Mon 09-Sep-13 13:46:04

If he cannot see the benefits of a beautiful family that's his problem not yours, especially as the relationship between the two of you is good (doesn't he realise how lucky he is?). He sounds very immature. It's sad but there's nothing you can do. He either needs to get his act together or you need to leave (and take your daughter with you, you are right about that, he wouldn't cope with looking after her).

Upnotdown Mon 09-Sep-13 13:46:08

So you're the best girlfriend ever, the problem is that he's bored with family life but wants your DD to live with him when he leaves?

I think there's more to it, OP. He's setting you up as the 'problem' in the relationship, in my view.

I wish I had some advice for you smile

SirRaymondClench Mon 09-Sep-13 13:46:19

What effort is he putting into finding fun things to do with you and DD?
He is the one who seems bored by family life.
What is he doing to fix that?
If he left and had DD living with him how does he think he would look after her given that he lives with her now and has--no----interest--can't cope?

SirRaymondClench Mon 09-Sep-13 13:46:35

Urgh strike through fail!

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 13:51:15

Its not a threat. He basically just came out with the question on saturday and saturday night I asked him to go into more detail. He said he would want her but wasn't sure he could cope. He loves her with all his heart, he just can't handle something about it. I'm not sure if its the stress/lifestyle change/chaos. It puts me into a pure state of panic tho, the idea of not having her around. I'm guessing it does the same to him and thats why he said all this.

He does need a big wake up call and a swift punch to the face but I think as we still love each other (am well aware love isnt always enough) and are happy with each other (technically) that we should try and make it work. He has a daughter NOW, he can't put that on hold for ten years or until hes ready, He has to face it.

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 13:54:45

There has to be more to it but he swears there isnt! once he went out for the night and refused to come home. He got a train to his home town at 6.20 after not coming home and rang me almost crying saying he didnt want to carry on with a life so rubbish. two hours later I drove up there to bring him home. I wish I had some pride and a back bone. He makes no suggestions about activities to do :-(

SleepyCatOnTheMat Mon 09-Sep-13 13:55:55

I would imagine re: the DD living with him he just wants to have his cake and eat it i.e. he loves his daughter and wants to continue seeing her regularly but hasn't thought through what this would actually involve if her mother wasn't around, that is to say, bathing her and taking her to the park and doing all the things he's not doing now. This inability to think about the consequences of his actions further suggests immaturity. This man might ultimately make a good father but I have a feeling it's not going to be for some years or, unfortunately, with you OP.

DropYourSword Mon 09-Sep-13 13:57:45

Is he receiving any treatment for depression? Might be well worth exploring.

ArgyMargy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:58:42

He sounds a bit depressed to me, OP

ArgyMargy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:58:54

Xpost!

SleepyCatOnTheMat Mon 09-Sep-13 13:59:00

X-post. The question is if he does try to put being a father on hold for ten years what are you going to do? I don't think you should stick around waiting for him to grow up.

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 13:59:50

I think you are right about the cake!!! Like I think i said, i told our friends. One literally loled, one said 'did i hear that right?' the other said 'that just shows he isnt thinking straight!'

nilbyname Mon 09-Sep-13 14:00:15

Does he want it to work?

BeCool Mon 09-Sep-13 14:01:20

He sounds VERY depressed to me.

Upnotdown Mon 09-Sep-13 14:02:41

Why does he think life will be happier without you around? Is there someone else he could be getting close to or something he wants to do that he feels you would get in the way of (ie move abroad/change career). It sounds like you think that he think's you're the bee's knees BUT his actions say different x

Quiltcover Mon 09-Sep-13 14:02:50

He sounds as if he settled down too soon and can't step up to his responsibilities. You have had to being a mother and are probably more responsible and mature than him.
My dh and I had our first child young (I was 21 he was 22) and at times it was difficult. He was and is hands on but it took some work for both of us.
I think he needs a sharp shock. It all seems to be about him. You have had to make sacrifices too. But noone is picking up the slack for you.
I would ask him to take some time out, leave and think about what he really wants. The reality of life without his family may make him realise. If not you are young enough to rebuild your life and start again.

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 14:02:59

I think he is depressed. he does smoke something he shouldnt in the evening and he did find his life long friend dead on a stag do while i was pregnant and he also feels that he would have been able to save him had there not been a twist of fate. I think maybe that has made him want to enjoy every day he has but he doesnt have the capability to do that.

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 14:05:57

He doesnt treat me or make me feel like the bees knees but when we talk about it he openly says, i couldnt ask for a better gf, you do so much for me etc etc. he says he wants it to work but again his actions say different. he recenbtly travelled to various world wide locations for work and said he seriously missed us and it made him realise ho much he needed us. His last stay was July. fast forward two months and we are back to square one!

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 14:06:49

also, he is not the type to cheat etc. if he met someone else he would just say it

TwittyMcTwitterson Mon 09-Sep-13 14:09:00

he also openly says i deserve more than our rubbish life and he thinks i probably feel like him (i dont) and that we both need to find something more fulfilling. Whats more fulfilling than a child???

Upnotdown Mon 09-Sep-13 14:11:23

Sounds like he needs some enforced time on his own then. He's acting like a child. He may be depressed but it's up to him to seek help not to push the burden of it on to you x

Viking1 Mon 09-Sep-13 14:17:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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