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is it wrong for me to go out?

(59 Posts)
ladypippins Mon 09-Sep-13 11:42:30

My h doesn't like it when I go out and "expect" him to take care if our son "you wanted him". I don't go out often, less than a handful a year including Christmas do's.

DS gets upset if I go home and then go out, can be a bit clingy (he's at nursery full time) but he seems to be okay if I don't go home first. Although sometimes bed time is tricky as I am the only one to go through the bedtime routine "he doesn't want me".

I need to socialise, just once in a while without feeling guilty. I want to go to a team do next month and am worried about telling H. I think he will say no but I want to stay firm. Given DS sometimes gets upset - is it reasonable for me to go out?

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 09-Sep-13 11:43:44

Yes, of course its reasonable.

Does he get to go out without drama?

PinkPlum Mon 09-Sep-13 11:46:17

Yes of course you should go out. Your ds may get upset without you there but it is up to his other parent to step up and do the job that you do all the time. At least once in a while. You shouldn't have to ask permission or feel guilty about it. Your ds will get used to being put to bed by his father and that is a good thing, for both of you. You are entitled to a bit of independence

BeCool Mon 09-Sep-13 11:57:04

"I think he will say no"
Are you asking your H for permission to go out? And he can say 'no'?

Does he rule/try to rule other areas of your life?

You are a grown adult - you don't need permission to go out. What you want is not unreasonable.

So does he help at all as 'you wanted the baby'???
Does he do any hands on child care at all?
Really sorry but I can see sooooo many red flags here, it's a bit alarming.
Is he caring and loving towards you at all?
Do you live near family and friends?
Sorry for all the questions but this just doesn't sit well with me.

Your H needs to step up to the plate, start taking a share of bedtimes to get DS used to him putting him to bed. My ExH was a bit like this, but less overt about it, so I basically started insisting that he take a few bathtimes and bedtimes a week.

DS is his child too! He sounds an arse. Is he controlling in other ways?

Madlizzy Mon 09-Sep-13 12:18:56

You're an adult who doesn't need permission to go out. He's being a controlling arseholian dictator.

Squitten Mon 09-Sep-13 12:19:27

I'm not surprised your son gets upset when you're not there - his father soounds like he has no interest in him at all.

It is perfectly reasonable to go out on your own. But that really is a side issue to how big of a twat your husband sounds.

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 12:20:24

How terrible! Your dh's attitude is wrong. Of course you must go out.
I find his "you wanted him" stance deeply sad and desolate.

Why are you with him?

LovesBeingOnHoliday Mon 09-Sep-13 12:25:17

No it's not

Lweji Mon 09-Sep-13 12:30:12

If your OH is not prepared to parent, then consider whether you want to be with him.

If he's busy when you want to go out, you can sort out a babysitter.

I suspect your baby doesn't want him because he never does bedtimes.

Lovingfreedom Mon 09-Sep-13 12:37:08

No it's not wrong to go out. You deserve it. Your husband sounds very cruel. Do you have someone in RL who you trust who you can talk to about your experiences and relationship? keep posting here for support too.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 09-Sep-13 12:41:30

Don't ask him, just tell him you are going out. You are an adult and don't need his permission. Does he ask you when he wants to go out? I think you need serious words op.

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 12:52:59

Yes he does sound cruel. I agree.

Thurlow Mon 09-Sep-13 12:57:58

Of course it's not wrong. And you shouldn't have to ask for permission, that is neither right nor healthy. The only reason you should ask anything is to check if your DH already has any plans that night.

Your son has two parents. Both should know how to do everything with him, and both should be willing to do everything with him.

Is there anything else your DH won't let you do?

ladypippins Mon 09-Sep-13 13:30:27

Thanks all. I know I should be able to go out but wasn't sure about the impact on ds.

There are many other issues and I think this will be just another one of them where I'm 'unreasonable'. He thinks it wrong that I want to drive 1.5hrs to see my parents ("you saw them 3months ago!") and when I have been out after a couple of hours he texts wanting to know when Iam leaving, he says its too keep me safe or because I have work next day but it results in me being anxious and clock watching.

The last time I went on a works do (January) I said I'd be home at 7.30pm. I got back at 7.50 - all he said was "you're late. I hope it was worth it it."

So thanks, it helps to know that I AM normal!!

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Mon 09-Sep-13 13:47:00

Of course you're normal! Your h on the hand, not so much.

extracrunchy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:49:19

Your DH sounds borderline abusive to be honest...

BitOutOfPractice Mon 09-Sep-13 13:53:37

Borderline? I think he sounds like a vile controlling bully and it would break my heart if the father of my children spoke like that about them

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 09-Sep-13 14:14:06

A bloke writes: the man's a miserable controlling twat. If he thinks 3 monthly visits to your parents is excessive, he's exhibiting a massive red flag. That's how it starts, by isolating you from family.

He was normal until DS arrived, wasn't he?

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 15:25:30

"you're late...I hope it was worth it"

shock

This guy's a nightmare!

LondonNinja Mon 09-Sep-13 15:30:07

Goodness. Your husband has conditioned you into accepting so much. He's abusive.

Red flags galore.

ladypippins Mon 09-Sep-13 16:17:40

Before ds was born he was okay, but yes there were red flags then too. We've been together for half m life so I guess I have lost perspective of what's normal. Situation became worse and some physical abuse (due to my accidental damage of the house he'd just decorated) after ds was born.

Thurlow Mon 09-Sep-13 16:36:02

I don't know exactly what to say but... none of this is good. In any way.

Can I ask the usual question - what do you feel you get out of your relationship? What does your husband give, or do?

haverer Mon 09-Sep-13 16:45:59

Oh dear. He is abusive and controlling. What happened when you accidentally damaged something? The fact that you're asking if its ok to do something entirely reasonable is the worst bit for me. How dare he control you to such an extent. Call women's aid. They will be able to help. Can you talk to your family/anyone else in real life about what's happening?

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