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AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

(152 Posts)
AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 11:19:32

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

unlucky83 Mon 09-Sep-13 13:11:34

I had a similar problem when I became a SAHM - up to then we had split all the bills equally ...at first I was using my savings to pay my half of the bills...worse when he had a business I worked without being paid for him - but all the money from selling it was his!
We sorted it out of a fashion by going to Relate ...he now transfers a set amount from his salary (about half) into my account and I get CB...but I pay all the bills etc for the house, DCs, holidays etc ...all he pays for is stuff for himself ...special things he wants to eat, treats and his car/petrol...
This isn't ideal...I think a joint account may be better (except my DP can be 'tight' with money sometimes and I can see him questioning why I bought x,y, z)
...or maybe bill him for childcare - could he do the same job if you didn't look after the DCs?
Main problem with my arrangement is that things don't cost him any more - so eg he will leave the expensive outside light on, go over the broadband limit...or use 118 or phone mobiles etc etc...
And he is careless - and 'my' things are his -bought with 'his money' - eg the camera - he lost the spare memory card and battery (£40 worth) and if he breaks it he won't pay for a new one...pretty sure he would be more careful if he directly paid for it ...
Also if I buy anything for the DCs (like a cheap DVD etc) and they show him what 'mummy bought' he will comment that it was his money...

And be aware - I've just inherited some money (means that my savings are a bit healthier than they have been since I stopped working) and DP makes nasty comments about it - think for complex reasons - sure it is just his insecurities (rather than any real control issues) but still...a real eye opener ...

pianodoodle Mon 09-Sep-13 13:12:38

He's making you suffer just because your circumstances have changed and he won't adjust for that.

How could you have anticipated what might happen with your health?

Ezio Mon 09-Sep-13 13:16:38

YOur OH is a tight fisted financially abusing dickhead, who likes the little power buzz he gets when your forced to ask for money.

Hegsy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:17:24

OP get him out. You'll be better off in the long run, he's a financially abusive twunt.

unlucky your DH doesn't sound much better hmm

HumphreyCobbler Mon 09-Sep-13 13:18:00

Non abusive people do not stick to plans when circumstances change. They support their partner and children because it is the normal thing to do. He is certainly financially abusing you. I am so sorry.

Nanny0gg Mon 09-Sep-13 13:19:17

AuchAyethenoo

'Partner' suggests equals.

You two most certainly are not. You need legal advice.

RiotsNotDiets Mon 09-Sep-13 13:19:28

LTB

You deserve better.

MonstrousPippin Mon 09-Sep-13 13:19:41

He makes it sound like a business contract not a relationship. He's supposed to love you and care about you. Who would treat the person they and family they love in this way? Accusing you of 'moving the goalposts' is an absolutely disgusting attitude showing no compassion or understanding for the reality of normal life that changes over time.

What a dick. You are being financially abused.

Do you think he would understand if you tried to speak to him about it? From your description of his attitude thus far, I get the impression he would be a complete cock about it but obviously I don't know him so cannot give an opinion on whether to LTB yet.

YANBU.

AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 13:21:50

I manage to scrape money for the bills and mortgage. My mum takes me food shopping once a month for bulk stuff (I havnt told her the situation but have talked about us. Struggling, I hate that she does this, but love her for being there).

When we were doing our renewal for CTC there was a bit of a cockup which left me with no money for about 5 weeks, I had to ask dp for money each week to pay for things. When the renewal came through I had a lump sum of back dated money which I was going to use for clothes for the dc and to pay some of their activities upfront. Instead when I got it through dp reminded me that I owed him money for him having to pay for everything over the course of the 5 weeks.

sooperdooper Mon 09-Sep-13 13:22:22

You need to sit down with him a look at a proper budget of inomings and outgoings, then you need a bank card to his account, so you have access to cash, you shouldn't have to ask - circumstances change so plans have to change around them

pianodoodle Mon 09-Sep-13 13:26:03

A decent man (or woman) would not insist you "owe" them money in those circumstances.

Hegsy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:27:04

your mum takes you food shopping shock so you pay half the bills, clothing and activities for DC and your mum pays the food shop? Just what exactly does this 'man' contribute then?

I hope the mortgage is in joint names, please get out OP. Please

Jergens Mon 09-Sep-13 13:27:05

Your OH's behaviour is demeaning and abusive hmm

TheSmallPrint Mon 09-Sep-13 13:30:00

I am genuinely shock at this. What a controlling wanker. I am assuming you do all the house work and childcare as well as fund 50% of the bills? I would be sending him an invoice for my time for all that if he wants to play silly buggers.

AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 13:30:27

The house is in his name, all of the bills come out of his account. If we split up I'd be left with nothing, my children homeless. It's not a viable option, we don't have anywhere to go.

My youngest, 8 months, is in the process of being diagnosed with cerebral palsy, I need to keep stability for her.

TheSmallPrint Mon 09-Sep-13 13:32:27

Are you married? Are the youngest children his?

CeliaFate Mon 09-Sep-13 13:33:44

You need proper financial advice and your husband needs to hear it too. What he's doing is completely foul and so disrespectful.

CSIJanner Mon 09-Sep-13 13:35:23

If you're paying half the costs, the you won't be left with nothing if you have records. Can you prove that you paid anything to the bills or mortgage?

Oh my God what a nightmare.

OK OP I understand your reasons for not leaving. I'm sorry to hear about your youngest.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 13:38:16

Yes both little ones are his.

We tried to sit down and discuss finances. I asked him to write down all of the household bills and mortgage repayments as I don't know any of this (it all comes out of his account, I give him cash every month, I asked him just to set up a standing order but he said it is easier this way) he said repeatedly that he was tired/wasn't in the mood etc.

I know how much he earns as I fill in the CTC forms, he knows how much I have coming in, so this much at least is transparent.

oh OP this is not good. tbh though MN has totally changed my view about money within the family, my situation was similar to yours when I first joined through naivety on DH and my parts, it's still not 100% for various reasons but I now have money of my own to spend as I choose and I also have a respected place in the family - which I feel is a good place to start. for example if I ever ask DH to pay for something he never asks me to pay him back, he just accepts that the family needed something and somebody paid for it.

this isn't really about being a couple of quid short in the supermarket (which is no big deal by the way - it happens) - it's about something much bigger...PP's are right, get this moved to relationships and kick your OH into gear, he's treating you appallingly and both you and your respective children deserve much much better thanks

soverylucky Mon 09-Sep-13 13:39:07

This is an abusive relationship. Do not stay with this man because you think that there is no alternative. There is. Are you married?

Dh earns more than me but all money into the one account to be used by either party as and when they need/want to. This is what an equal marriage based on trust and respect means.
At the very least you should have a joint account where you each pay a proportion of what you earn into it for all joint bills.

Hegsy Mon 09-Sep-13 13:39:29

Stop paying the mortgage then. Tell him until you are on the deeds you are not contributing to his wealth. Stop doing laundry and cooking for him. Bill him for half the food shopping, travel expenses for children, half of all activities and clothing for children.

How have you been giving him half, is it a SO with a 'mortgage' reference or something? Contact CAB/Womens aid/council for advice. Would also consider getting a free half hour with a solicitor.

AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 13:39:54

The more I'm writing and reading the sicker I'm feeling.

I'm totally fucked aren't I?

OHforDUCKScake Mon 09-Sep-13 13:39:57

This is so, so wrong.

If the bills come out of his account, why are the one paying them? How are you paying them?

Do you give him your CTC?

Unlucky did you post about your partner before? I think I recognise your post in relation to a thread a while back. If it was you, Im glad things have improved a bit.

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