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AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

(152 Posts)
AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 11:19:32

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

PartyOrganisor Mon 09-Sep-13 11:47:14

He is moving the goal posts!!

I mean paying half the bills before having children is completely different to paying half the bills with 2 dcs...
And different again when the person you proclaim loving had to stop work due to ill health.

As for 'stuffing down your bra' shockshock.

I think you are right. You knew the answer before starting the thread. YANBU and he is a twat.

The question now is, is he able to change and review his completely out of line attitude?

SockQueen Mon 09-Sep-13 11:48:23

If he wants to be that tight, tell him he can buy his own food and cook it, you've only got money for you and the kids.

Fucking hell, he sounds like an abusive cunt! shock

Even if it were fair for you to split the costs 50/50, you're buying all the food, and paying for everything for the children! You're paying MORE than him, when he earns more!! Sounds like you would be financially far better off if you left him, with the added bonus of not being in relationship with someone who will treat you like that. I'm so cross on your behalf.

Talkinpeace Mon 09-Sep-13 11:49:43

"moved the goalposts"
Um no. You had kids. His kids.

Everything is shared equally is it?
Time to stop washing his clothes
Time to stop hoovering his side of the bedroom
Time to stop washing his plates
Time to stop buying the food HE eats, just buy for you and the kids
Time to stop buying him shaving foam
Time to treat him like the spoilt brat he is

I'd change the locks if DH treated me like yours does you.

PartyOrganisor Mon 09-Sep-13 11:50:15

Oh and I love how the fact he is p[aid more means he gets more money for himself.
But the fact that him being paid more means less money for you, means you have to suck it up and somehow manage with less money hmm

Has he though it could also means less clothes or food for his own children? Is he really happy with that?

And how on earth did you end up with paying all the children related stuff and the food and he doesn't??
Aren't some of these children his? Does he not feel he should somehow participate and ensure they are fed and clothed?

CocktailQueen Mon 09-Sep-13 11:51:27

'My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc.'

Am I reading this correctly - your dh works, you don't, yet he still expects you to pay half the household expenses?? What a twat. That's horrible and abusive.

Have a joint account. He puts his money in, your benefits go in too, then you each take out what you need. end of.

BTW, child benefit is meant to be spent on essentials for a child- clothes, food etc - not saved!

SalaciousBCrumb Mon 09-Sep-13 11:51:33

The two of you making (presumably) a joint decision to have two children and you to give up work to look after them, plus a mental health issue, is YOU is "moving the goalposts"?

He sounds grim. Grim grim grim.

WaitMonkey Mon 09-Sep-13 11:51:57

Your husband is awful. and I agree with everyone else, that you have major problems with him.

But, I don't know anyone who saves cb, everyone spends it on essentials.

SalaciousBCrumb Mon 09-Sep-13 11:53:43

Oh and by the way - the not having enough money thing happened to me in Sainsburys once. A lovely, lovely lady gave me a pound to make up what I couldn't find by grubbing around for pennies at the bottom of my handbag. I was so embarrassed and it was really kind of her. If I'm ever behind someone with the same issue I'm going to do the same.

PartyOrganisor Mon 09-Sep-13 11:55:31

Can I point out that , by the sounds of it,you would be in a better financial situation being on your own.

Less food bills, same costs from the dcs, more CTC as he wouldn't be there.
So what the hack is this guy bringing to the marriage?

Squitten Mon 09-Sep-13 11:56:36

How on EARTH can you be expected to pay for half of everything when you don't earn any money?! Either your DH is the most stupid person on the planet or he is intentionally putting you in an unworkable position (more likely).

Why on earth did you ever agree to such a ridiculous arrangement?! Tell him you demand a proper family budget based on incomings and outgoings. I really can't understand why you are doing this at ALL!

mistlethrush Mon 09-Sep-13 11:57:12

1) is he your DH or your DP?
2) I hope that its obvious that you're paying 1/2 the mortgate?
3) I hope he's soon going to be an ex.

Nanny0gg Mon 09-Sep-13 12:00:02

OP- Get this moved to Relationships. You will get lots of sound advice from women who have 'been there'.

You are being financially and, by the sound of it, emotionally abused. He's treating you like a whore.

Please don't put up with it.

missinglalaland Mon 09-Sep-13 12:07:05

Your other half is being unfair and unkind. You are a family not a bunch of individuals.

I think HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs is spot on.

I wish I had been behind you in the queue. I would have given you the cash!

Bamboobambino Mon 09-Sep-13 12:08:01

Personally I'd divorce him and take way more than half!

mistlethrush Mon 09-Sep-13 12:08:37

Bamboo - only possible if they're married...

Medal Mon 09-Sep-13 12:09:01

I can't understand how you can even afford to pay for half of everything without an income! This is ridiculous what he is expecting you to do.

Bamboobambino Mon 09-Sep-13 12:09:19

True

AngelsLieToKeepControl Mon 09-Sep-13 12:26:29

I am so angry on your behalf op, you are worth so much more than his fucking 'hilarious' stuffing money down your bra and making you go grovelling to him for cash.

Go onto the CSA website, see how much he would be due you if you weren't together and start invoicing him for that amount every month. If he wants to treat your finances seperatly then he needs to do it with every aspect, not just the ones he cherry picks.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Mon 09-Sep-13 12:29:59

So be doesn't think you should be off work?

StuntGirl Mon 09-Sep-13 12:30:06

Your partner is a cunt. You know that, right?

EldritchCleavage Mon 09-Sep-13 12:42:21

He would really rather you suffer money stress and your children go without than share his money? That's just astonishingly awful.

Look, I work full-time, DH is at home. So I 'pay' for everything. The idea of resenting this or using it as a weapon over DH's head is repulsive to me.

I'm sorry to speak so strongly but I want to impress on you how unkind and frankly, odd, your DH's mindset is. This is not how decent people behave. Please talk to him about it and let him know things have to change.

tripecity Mon 09-Sep-13 12:50:23

I'm yet another person who thinks hes an utter cock

pianodoodle Mon 09-Sep-13 13:02:19

Don't feel bad about the supermarket thing I've had to do the same although no one tutted - ignore rude people!

I think your situation isn't fair and your OH is unreasonable to say the least.

I find it so hard to see how these arrangements work when I read about them. A family unit where one member is struggling financially but the other isn't? Just seems so wrong to me not to all be pulling together.

We are struggling financially but the difference is it's both of our problem to solve as a team. If I came into money I wouldn't just think "well I'm OK now it's just DH with the money problems"

AuchAyethenoo Mon 09-Sep-13 13:10:47

He is my partner, oh=other half, I'm quite new so wasn't too sure of the abbreviations.

It's child maintenance from my ex for my eldest child, not child benefit I was hoping to put aside for her especially now she's in high school for foreign trips etc.

I've never heard of financial abuse.

We agreed to the original arrangement as I was working at the time and could never have anticipated I would suffer from a mental health issue, so at the time it was a fair plan.

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