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Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

(368 Posts)
Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 09:43:59

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

MalibuBarbie31 Mon 09-Sep-13 10:29:59

Leave him.he sounds awful.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 09-Sep-13 10:40:31

LTB

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 10:42:20

Sorry my post is so long and full of typos, just so tired today.

To sum it up I want to know if I am somehow not normal to want sex but be unable to get 'wet'. I guess I just want him to try a bit harder and work with me instead of just think he can stick his hand down there and I work like a machine.

I also feel as though I just can't get over the things he has done in the past and never know what to believe. He makes out as though I'm crazy for not trusting him. I think I'd be crazy to trust him.

You will be a lot happier if you bin him. This 'getting wet/not getting wet' business sounds like a message to your mind from your body - that this man is not a nice man, and you don't so much want to have sex with him as you want him to want sex with you and no one else, so you're not really feeling the wish or need for sex out of sheer desire.

RaRaZ Mon 09-Sep-13 10:53:41

He sounds like an utter bastard frankly, and you deserve better. No-one should intentionally (and that's what it becomes if he doesn't stop when you tell him) hurting you during sex. Nor should he be demeaning you or chatting up other women. Get out!!!

And, no, you're not abnormal to not always be able to get wet. We're women, and sex doesn't work the same way for us as for men. How easy it is for them with their stable hormones! Ours are always changing, and that changes the CF we have. Most women do find they're dry(er) during and straight after their period. There's nothing wrong with that. And of course, who the hell gets turned on when they're uncomfortable or thinks they're going to get hurt? Maybe if he took the time to slow down and touch you nicely, you'd be turned on. His fault, not yours. I'd leave him and find someone decent to have sex with.

TalkativeJim Mon 09-Sep-13 10:53:46

No, that's not abnormal.

It's perhaps especially not abnormal when the person you're in the relationship with is a complete and utter twat who doesn't appear to give one shiny shit about how you feel either physically or mentally.

Do you really want to stay with him? If so really really ask yourself why. He's totally third rate - as a partner, a lover, a friend. He's just unpleasant sounding!

You could do a LOT better. And I'm be willing to bet quite a bit of cash that if you were to get together with a nicer, kinder person you would find your issues with sex in this respect simply melt away.

So he won't leave - do you own your home together, or just renting? How are the finances sorted? Do you have DC?

It's not up to him if you split, btw. Yes it may be difficult to organise, but if you say it's over, it really shouldn't be a case of 'No I won't leave' - 'Oh ok then we'll just continue the relationship I guess.'

SirRaymondClench Mon 09-Sep-13 10:55:19

Gosh run don't walk away from this dreadful man.
You can do so much better than him.
FWIW it's very normal post period for you to be drier, especially if you used tampons during your period.
He sounds utterly clueless in bed and this probably isn't helping with the dryness.
I would hate it if spit was used in place of lube. What if you got an infection from it?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 10:55:57

To sum it up I want to know if I am somehow not normal to want sex but be unable to get 'wet'.

Erm yes, perfectly normal. We aren't machines. I'm probably quite a bit older than you and often have that problem, even if I'm horny. That's what lube is for. However, that sounds like the least of your problems, to be honest.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 10:57:57

Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place

If after five years he can't (or won't) find his way adequately around your lady parts then he doesn't sound like much of a keeper.

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 11:00:57

See I find that the couple of weeks before my period I find it very easy to get 'wet', and sometimes he takes this as meaning I want sex, but it doesn't always. Yet the week after my period there's pretty much no hope unless we have lots of foreplay. I don't know if it's anything to do with my contraceptive pill or my hormone levels.

I can be wet without being horny and vise versa if that makes sense. And I think that because he can be quite stabby with his fingers and hurt it makes it even worse because I tense up.

Perhaps I don't really want to have sex and I think I do?

I say we should perhaps split up and he doesn't listen. I say I'm unhappy because I don't trust him and it drives me mad feeling that way, and he says I need to learn to get over things, get a grip, he's changed now, only got eyes for me.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 11:05:40

OP I would suggest you read your last post as if someone else had written it.

he can be quite stabby with his fingers and hurt

This is not normal in lovemaking, unless you like pain, which some people do. Being quite stabby and hurting your lovers's most delicate parts is not conducive to good sex. Would he accept you being rough with his dick?

I say we should perhaps split up and he doesn't listen

It isn't up to him. If you want to split up you don't need his permission.

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 11:14:58

And, no, you're not abnormal to not always be able to get wet. We're women, and sex doesn't work the same way for us as for men. How easy it is for them with their stable hormones! Ours are always changing, and that changes the CF we have. Most women do find they're dry(er) during and straight after their period. There's nothing wrong with that. And of course, who the hell gets turned on when they're uncomfortable or thinks they're going to get hurt? Maybe if he took the time to slow down and touch you nicely, you'd be turned on. His fault, not yours. I'd leave him and find someone decent to have sex with

Cross posted, it is always the week after my period, and yes especially if I've been using tampons to the person who posted that. It doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy or want sex if lube is used or once I've got into it.

I do hate the using spit as lube and have asked him not to. The other thing is I'm prone to uti's and I'm not sure if this could be connected to the spit, but I just find it doesn't work anyway.

We're not kids, although it probably sounds like it. We're early 30's. It wouldn't be too difficult or complicated to split up, it's just that I keep thinking there is some hope, and every time I do something else happens. We'd been getting on quite well until I found the picture on his phone. His point of view is that it's a very old photo. But mine is that it means things that were going on went a lot further than I was led to believe.

It's horrible when you can't trust, I'm not happy at all. I guess it's just hard to make the break.

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 11:23:24

This is not normal in lovemaking, unless you like pain, which some people do. Being quite stabby and hurting your lovers's most delicate parts is not conducive to good sex. Would he accept you being rough with his dick?

I certainly don't like that sort of pain. I'm not some kind of delicate princess and I generally enjoy sex but I definitely don't want a finger trying to be shoved in where I have a wee. And if he ever said that I was hurting him I would adjust what I was doing and listen to the cues.

This is just a whole other thing though you see I have told him what I like. I can usually get wet through masterbation by myself, but he doesn't listen. I have expressed what I like, things I like to be said or dirty talk, but it goes in one ear and out the other or he takes it that I'm insulting him or critisizing his 'technique'

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 09-Sep-13 11:23:50

He's a fucking asshole. Why should you be "wet" for him? He's a liar and his behaviour is abusive.

Dump him. Immediately. This relationship will never be good and every second you spend with him is a second of your life wasted.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 11:28:34

This is just a whole other thing though you see I have told him what I like. I can usually get wet through masterbation by myself, but he doesn't listen. I have expressed what I like, things I like to be said or dirty talk, but it goes in one ear and out the other or he takes it that I'm insulting him or critisizing his 'technique'

Why are you staying with him? He isn't interested in your needs, although you've expressed them.

YoniTime Mon 09-Sep-13 11:30:30

OUCH! Wtf.
Dump this ridiculously insensitive and unsexy bastard. But first, kick him in the dick from me.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 11:34:53

I've been with extremely inexperienced men who don't poke me where I go to wee. This guy is clueless.

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 11:45:48

Why are you staying with him? He isn't interested in your needs, although you've expressed them

I think I wanted to clarify that it's not totally abnormal to want sex but not be automatically wet ready and waiting, or get wet within minutes/seconds with a stabby finger. Just because there are times when that is different and I'm already wet or we have a quickie, doesn't mean that when I'm not it is a personal insult to him.

We have a drawer full of fairly tame sex toys including lube, I've been more than expressive about what works and what I like when perhaps I am dry but he isn't really interested in anything other than the status quo. But to be honest even just some kissing and touching other bits of my body would be nice. But we don't even have a passionatte kiss. It's not for want of me trying though.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 11:51:36

Ok, but you've not answered the question as to why you are staying with him - just given more reasons not to stay with him...

Workwhatwork Mon 09-Sep-13 11:55:32

Loneliness, when I say we should split up he doesn't listen/believe me and I find it exhausting arguing so it all get forgotten about, probably thinking and hoping things would change.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 11:57:57

So just move out. There's no need to argue about it. The only time I've ever lived with a guy (big mistake from word go), there came a point where it was just unbearable. He said "I think we need to talk" and I said "I'm leaving". I went very shortly after that.

Lweji Mon 09-Sep-13 12:04:17

TBVH, I think he's hurting you on purpose.

From what you initially described it seems that he likes to be in control, and it all doesn't look good.

I can be wet without being horny and vise versa if that makes sense.
It's possible that you mean the type of egg white mucus we can get before ovulation, although not necessarily.

So, all things considered, dump the bastard.
Just tell him it's over and you are leaving.

Is the house rented or mortgaged? Is it a joint tenancy/mortgage? Or a single tenancy/mortgage? If so who's name is on the tenancy/mortgage?

Your 'wetness' levels change through out the month depending on where in the cycle you are. When you are ovulating you are usually at your wettest.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 09-Sep-13 12:10:53

From what you've posted, it seems you think you have to let him keep jabbing you with the finger, and you have to wait until it sinks in with him about splitting up - as if you have no dominion over your body or your life. The first thing you can do is tell yourself that you DO have dominion over your body and your life. It's your fanjo, dry, wet or lumpy. You don't have to put up with being jabbed around and then found wanting because you haven't delivered the required wetness for his ego.

It's your life, and you don't have to wait until he agrees that your relationship is so bad you should split up. Most abusive guys don't want that because they then have to find someone else who will take the abuse.

Your fanjo; your life.

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