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More I should do or am I being a mug?

(233 Posts)
flyingfarfalla Mon 09-Sep-13 05:25:54

This is such a horrible thing to say but it has got to the stage where I feel like DP is just tagging along in my life and I am at a loss of how to support him or whether I can/should.

He doesn’t contribute financially (I work FT which is quite stressful but am very lucky to have it and that it pays well so we are financially secure), with childcare (he found it a bit much looking after our toddler when we moved abroad – which I appreciated– so DS (now 4) is in nursery each day and DP picks him up at 3 and looks after him before I get home and help out with bath and bed) and with looking after the flat which he felt was preventing him from looking for work (so I got a live-in helper who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping). He also doesn’t contribute emotionally (I never get a birthday, Christmas, valentine or mothers day present but always try and make the effort with him).

The main thing though is that he just doesn’t seem to want to do anything at all ever. Honestly, if he was filling the time with a study course, with starting a business, with volunteering, with a hobby etc which made him happy (all of which I have said I would support) I would support that. But he just says he doesn’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t have a ‘thing’ which makes me a bit upset since I can’t see why me and DS can’t be his ‘thing’. (Who really gets to do their thing anyway – I would love to live in the country and faff around with crafts all day for example but I can’t and accept that).

He also says that he would really like to get a job so that I have to work less but makes little effort to do so (I think he has applied for about 4 in 2 years). He says he feels he can’t do things as well as me but I don’t put pressure on him to do so and I try and boost his confidence – tell him he is a good dad, that he looks nice etc. He spends most of his time looking at cricket on his bb.

Realising he may well be down or even depressed, I have tried to talk to him and suggested counseling but he says he doesn’t want/need that. When I try and discuss the future and what he thinks we could do to make him and both of us happier/have better job prospects/moving again etc – he says he doesn’t know and he doesn’t have any ideas.

I have rather lost patience now. This isn’t a partnership and I feel like I am living with another child (although one that has less energy) that I am losing respect for. I feel like I want to cry most mornings and feel let down and sometimes cross. If I tell him I am unhappy he just sighs and says that makes him feel bad so I try and be upbeat as much as I can. I’m trying to be a good partner but am not sure I can love with so little coming back still. It’s not that he is taking advantage by spending lots of money or going out loads (in fact I wish he would go out or get a hobby) it is more death of a relationship through passivity and ennui. Am I being pathetic?

mistlethrush Sat 21-Sep-13 08:22:09

But he's not even pulling his weight with your son either. The '4 hrs of jobhunting' doesn't preclude him from helping your son to make a lantern. And how many jobs has he actually applied for???

On another front, how are plans for coming back to the UK going?

Roshbegosh Sat 21-Sep-13 08:25:50

It sounds rubbish for both of you. Whether you stay together or not, come home.

NeedlesCuties Sat 21-Sep-13 08:45:02

You do seem to be getting through to DH a bit, but seems like a case of too little too late.

All the best for the return to UK.

flyingfarfalla Sat 21-Sep-13 10:29:02

Thanks. Im househunting back in the UK next week so fingers crossed. Unlikely to physically move until the summer though realistically.

Jaynebxl Thu 26-Sep-13 05:49:25

Any joy with the house hunting?

passedgo Thu 26-Sep-13 09:26:18

I can understand that he is demoralised. Being long term unemployed won't do his CV any good either, it would benefit all of you for him to find work, regardless of whether you stay together. Perhaps moving will be the only way to change that. His work options will be wider here too if he is prepared to diversify.

RegTheMonkey Thu 26-Sep-13 15:59:01

I think the thing that stood out for me from all the outrageous things about this man was the lie in on a Sunday so he could 'have a rest'. A rest from what?????
I don't the legal implications, but if they aren't married, does that impact on his legal position re custody etc?
Flying, you are the most patient, tolerant person I think I've ever heard of. I just think that years of this behaviour would kill any love I had for a partner. Can you look ahead 5 years, 10 years, still with this partnership?

RegTheMonkey Thu 26-Sep-13 15:59:32

Sorry, that should have said 'I don't know the legal implications'

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