Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
So shocked at my behaviour(270 Posts)
Can't believe what just happened....
Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.
I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.
Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.
Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"
I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.
I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.
Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.
I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. thought I was bigger than that
YOU feel like an abuser?
You did not throw a used nappy in his face ( disgusting and provocative) use aggressive language, and then physically assault him?!
I know all too well how tempers can flare during early morning feeds, it's a very difficult time. Especially when you are I'll.
But for your husband to react to you like that is completely unacceptable.
I have never said this before, but i would LTB.
I hope you're ok.
Someone will be along with some practical advice soon x
I'm sorry, he started by threatening to knock your face in, then threw a wet nappy full in your face, told you to fuck off, then launched you onto the sofa and put his hands around your neck and you're worried by YOUR behaviour?
Yes you probably shouldn't have grabbed his face but are you serious?? And as for hitting back while he has his hands around your neck, I think most people would - it's called "self defence".
And then he called you a piece of shit. Niiiice.
Either there is a WHOLE LOT MORE to this story, or you've been badly conditioned to believe that you are at fault for his appalling, abusive behaviour.
Is this a one off? Or has similar happened before? Because I wouldn't be staying with this "man" if it has.
Umm...you're not an abuser.
You defended yourself. What he did was disgusting. I sincerely hope he doesn't often do things like that, but I fear I might be wrong.
And even if there IS more to this story, he has still assaulted you and is a foul bully! I say again - if this isn't the first time, I'd be off (even if it IS the first time I'd seriously consider leaving as well)
His reaction to being told to grow up is a MASSIVE over reaction and completely beyond acceptable, even at 3am and with all the other factors involved.
I didn't just defend myself tho.......I hit him. I got up and hit him back saying how dare he throw a full nappy at me. Wish I hadn't......he just launched me again. Cracked my back on sofa.
I've been thinking about it over and over and if I'm being honest.....I'd have done it again. If someone threw a nappy at me in the same manner id probably want to kill them. I don't know why this upsets me so much....the nappy that is.
I'm just so bloody sad that my dd was there.
And I know he'll twist things and make out that I'm an awful horrible shitty person and everything is my fault.
He won't leave the house. I know that now. He'll expect me to
It's not the first time.....although its the first time I've reacted like that. Things had been fine for a very long time tho......I suppose it is true that leopards can't change their spots. His first wife warned me he was abusive, he was done for grabbing his second wife......why did I think I would deserve any different?
When I cracked my back I was crying in pain. Isaid ive really hurt my back and he responded saying "good, I hope you've broken it"
OK, I take back any reservations I had.
LTB, leave him in the morning if you feel safe now, if not, go NOW with the baby.
He's a grade A shit, you are not the problem, HE IS.
I hope your back is ok.
I am safe. He's doing the "I don't want anything from you, we're wells d truly over" spiel. This is normal. He'll be telling me how it's all my fault next and if I hadn't have pushed he wouldn't have threatened or throw nappy and it all got out of hand when I grabbed him and therefore anything that followed is my fault!
Well you are not an abuser so please don't think about this that way.
You are not well right now, and you are in shock, and you need good friends or family you can rely on. These people will take care of DD, and someone will take you to an A&E. Who do you have that you can phone?
You may find it embarrassing to tell people you know what has happened, but you need to get over this. None of them wants to see you on a respirator in a hospital or being fed with a tube because of some massive head injury he has inflicted.
You need to go to a hospital to have yourself checked for injury. You are to tell the doctor or nurses how the possible injury happened.
Next what you need to do is call the police and report everything that happened, or consent to the hospital calling to report. He has form. They will take you seriously.
It doesn't matter that you grabbed his face or that you hit back when he hit you. You had a gallstone attack and had taken tramadol and you were groggy and the blow you struck would not have hurt him in the least.
This was the one and only time you have ever done this. The police have heard the twisting and the blaming by the likes of your H before. He is not the first abuser to try to make out that he is the victim in all of this. All the police have to do is look up his record, or look at you -- a mother breastfeeding her DD despite her illness -- they will easily realise how things went -- H throwing a tantrum because he was woken . Sadly, they have seen it all before. Don't imagine you are the only one to ever make this necessary call. Thousands of women do it every week.
You have to take this step.
Hang the house and who gets it.
The police will want you to press charges and you must do this.
Next time he attacks you you may be holding the baby, or you may be just out of hospital after your operation. He will do some serious damage -- nothing will stop him, because he likes hurting women and believes he has a right to. I say next time because I am 100% certain he will do this again.
Is it a jointly owned/ rented house?
Can you throw HIM out?
Leave him. It isn't going to get any better.
And it certainly isn't your fault!
Don't be afraid of what he will say. It's all bollocks and the police know that.
The 'It's over' spiel is a threat from him that he will take himself and his lovely personality elsewhere and leave you. Or that you will end up chucked out on the street. He wants the two of you to stick together so he can beat you up again. What a charmer. Nice arrangement he has in mind there.
Nothing will be accomplished by talking to him about any of this. Keep your own counsel. He is never going to admit he is wrong.
You are not safe. All that has happened is that his energy is now spent and you are now going through a traumatic bonding period.
I am chilled that this is a routine for you.
Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Please give them a call as soon as you can. Or you can email them and they will get back to you. Often their lines are really busy, but you can leave a message with your details and the best time to contact you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Stop texting him. Get yourself and the kids somewhere safe. Call the police.
Stop texting him.
Stop letting him drag you down to his level.
start thinking only about yourself. Go somewhere safe. Don't go back to him.
Fuck his family... do they know he's abusive? Do they support him in that?
You have 2 tiny children and are in a vulnerable position staying with him. They need you to make them safe.
Men like this will often use children as ways of controlling the women "I'll get custody" or will start to hurt the children too.
Are you in the UK? Give Women's Aid a ring, they were linked to upthread, but here it is again in case you missed it Women's Aid that is the UK regional helpline number, but there are local numbers depending what area you're in that could give practical help.
If I were you I'd get all your documents in order - kids birth certs, your housing info, bank details.
So the jist of it is you are being an unbelievable nuisance getting sick with something serious and needing to take tramadol.
Not that this matters one small, little, tiny bit.
You need to take a deep breath and resist the temptation to try to talk sense here. He is sincerely not interested in being told he is an arse.
Sweetheart, this is not some really exciting drama that you have got all caught up in, with the next episode - 'The Family Comes Down Like a Tonne of Bricks' on in a few days.
This is as real and as horrible as life gets, and it is the only childhood your children are ever going to experience.
You need to stop thinking you and this man are linked - you need to start thinking in terms of your safe, happy life and your future and your children's happiness and safety. You need to forget about any dream you have that he is ever going to listen to you or apologise or stop.
You have the power to end it, to tell his family where to shove it, and actually, once you talk to Women's Aid, you may well find he is the one packing his bags.
You are still dealing with all the adrenaline and tramadol, but if nothing else right now, please stop texting him.
Is he in the house with you?
I don't want police involved.
In 2010, he thought I was seeing my ex. Ended up throwing me out of house and kicking me repeatedly in street and threatening me with a knife. Police got involved, I didn't press charges.
Fast forward a year and im 38 weeks pregnant with ds1 and social services tip up on my door warning me of his extremely violent past. My ds was on protection register for first 6 months if his life. I hate even saying that. Feel like I've failed him in some way. I don't want to go down that road again, I just want him to leave
I've not text at all since I posted
I've not text at all since I posted
Stop texting him.
Use all your energy and focus on getting the hell away from him. He's no good to you, he's no good to your children, and he never ever will be.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.