Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Moving past previous arguments

(117 Posts)
Snowflaked Sun 08-Sep-13 19:11:20

I keep thinking about something that happened quite a while ago now and I can't just forget about it. I'm concerned it's causing me to resent my DH a bit and its not healthy for our relationship. I don't want to bring it up because we argued it through at the time, he felt very bad about it and apologised, I accepted his apology and we moved on. So I really shouldn't be thinking of it any more, but I do and I'd like a bit of perspective and ask how you would deal with a delayed feeling of betrayal.

Since DC2 was born we decided that as I was breastfeeding her I shouldn't take any hormonal contraception and we just used condoms. One time we dropped the packet, DH found it and opened it. Afterwards, I got into a panic thinking that it had split and asked him if he had checked. He answered that he hadn't even used it. I was FURIOUS. Really, madly angry with him. I know, overreaction. I would never have had sex if I had known. DC2 was five months, I was still feeling the effects of having given birth, absolutely exhausted from feeding and the lack of sleep (DC1 also not sleeping through) and quite frankly petrified at the thought of being pregnant again (morning sickness for 20+ weeks, exhaustion etc). I would never have taken a risk like that. DH's answer was that maybe it wasn't the worst time to have a third... I said that I couldn't. I just couldn't risk it. And used the line that you're supposed to wait a year before getting pregnant again anyway. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I must admit that I was totally freaked out and went to the chemist for the morning after pill. Which gave me a horror of a day because it meant I couldn't feed DC2 for 8 hours and she wouldn't take anything else, no milk, nothing.

He apologised, I accepted. We left it at that. Except that I can't really forget about it. At first I was really angry, then nothing but now I don't know how to describe it almost betrayed by him I think. I know I'm being stupid and he has every right to decide what contraception we use but I still get a "I can't believe he did that" running through my head. I know its daft to keep thinking of things that happened in the past. Any advice?

I am rubbish at this too... I don't really do forgiveness. sad

A few years ago there was a TV series called, I think, The Sins, or something similar. Anyway, in one episode, one guy was talking to another about how his wife had done something he found hard to forgive, and asking for advice. The other guy said, Yes, of course it's hard, why should she forgive you? The first guy said, No, she's the one who's done something awful, not me. And it goes back and forwards like this for a while.

Anyway, that's a bit rambling, but I think of that often when I'm finding it hard to forgive DH for something. The essence of it I suppose is Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. And goodness knows I've done things that must have driven DH up the wall!

CailinDana Sun 08-Sep-13 22:58:33

So you agreed on condoms and then your dh just ignored that agreement and decided on his own that a 3rd child would be ok? So he basically treated you like you don't matter at all?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 08-Sep-13 23:01:25

That's probably what irritates you the most, that he dismissed your feelings and took the decision on his own to risk a pregnancy.

It's not really a decision he can make on his own. Does he often assume control like this? I'd be pissed off too.

NaturalBaby Sun 08-Sep-13 23:03:43

I don't forgive either.
Can you work out what has made you so angry about the whole issue - what is the trigger? Is it the 3rd child issue, contraception? Try to think about it rationally and just focus on the facts. Could he get the snip?

CailinDana Sun 08-Sep-13 23:14:52

I am a forgiving person but I wouldn't forgive this. It was a total breach of trust.

Snowflaked Mon 09-Sep-13 06:51:37

I see what you mean not. I know I'm an awful person to live with, I'm quite an unsupportive wife and really crap housewife. Yes Cailin that's basically what happened. He said he thought I must have known because I should have been able to tell. I think what panicked me the most was I didn't really want DC2 and only agreed to no condoms because I was supposed to have problems conceiving and didn't think it would happen. Of course it did very quickly, so I was faced with a real (in my mind) possibility of getting pregnant. I hated being pregnant and found it such hard work looking after DC1 (2) whilst pregnant. I know things always look worse when you're overtired and I'd been for months on five hours of broken sleep which is not enough for me.

He's not really controlling. We have the usual I don't feel he does enough to help with the children/he thinks I don't do enough situation. The thing is I've worked myself into such a state about it that I can't relax when he is near me. I know that since then he has made absolutely certain that we are protected so he obviously learnt something! It's not as if its happened again (not that I would let it). I know I'm being silly about it, but it is the trust part I think. And this is what is destroying it for me. I know it's all in my head, but then when he starts his I want sex routine (very easy to spot because else he just turns his back on me in bed and goes to sleep) I just can't relax. If we don't then he gets annoyed with me and barely acknowledges me for a day or two. I know it's my fault, for most of the past 18 months I've been so exhausted that I just want to get into bed and go to sleep at the end of the day and he's right, I've not been very supportive of him. I must admit I did get very pissed off when he tried it on whilst I was feeding DC2 when she was tiny. I mean, really? (Or am I strange and other women want to have sex whilst they are giving a feed?) He has at least accepted now that it won't be happening whilst the children are awake. I find looking after the DC's quite physically demanding/intrusive sometimes, especially when I was feeding her 100% and I just wanted to be able to say, no this is my space for a few minutes when I got to bed. I'm beginning to get annoyed whenever he comes near me now and I know this is wrong.

natural he doesn't want the snip. There was always talk of a third, but it hasn't been mentioned since then because I said I would refuse to discuss it until DC2 was one year. I know I don't have the right to dictate what contraception we use but it like I feel I didn't get a choice.

How do you move past something that you can't bring yourself to forgive then? Surely that's just going to cause resentment in the relationship.

riverboat Mon 09-Sep-13 06:59:46

I think you have to bring it up again and explain that its still playing on your mind. Try and keep the discussion calm but explain how you feel, that you can't move on. Do you feel he didn't properly understand why you were so angry the last time, and that his apology wasn't sincere enough?

Maybe there's nothing more he can say or do to help you get over this, but you can at least release some of your stress by opening another discussion about it and seeing where it goes.

CailinDana Mon 09-Sep-13 07:46:26

Does he ever get up.with the children?

Snowflaked Mon 09-Sep-13 08:04:07

No. Well, there have been rare occasions but if they don't settle when he tells them to be quiet he either shouts at them and leaves them or just leaves them so I end up going anyway. He went a couple of times when I was feeding DC2 when she was tiny but DC1 always wants me anyway.

Snowflaked Mon 09-Sep-13 08:09:22

Just to clarify, about a year ago I did tell him this wasn't acceptable so he doesn't go any more. 95% of the time I can intercept DC1 before our room and return to bed as DH sleeps with earplugs in and a whisky/sleeping tablet so it's not as bad as it sounds! DC2 is in a cot and I wake at the slightest noise.

CailinDana Mon 09-Sep-13 08:18:35

You say you're an "unsupportive wife" what does that mean?

Jux Mon 09-Sep-13 08:44:20

It looks more to me like you have an unsupportive husband.

Snowflaked Mon 09-Sep-13 09:01:54

Well, I don't have a job so am not contributing anything to the household. (I am looking, but I haven't found anything. I had DC straight out of uni, so have no experience and am having difficulty finding work because of this). There are times when we don't have things in that he wants or I haven't washed the right clothes for him or the place is messy and not been cleaned (I don't like housework so the children always win when I have to decide what to do!). I have before set an alarm clock to get up to go and check on one of the children (after falling on head just before bed time) and woken him. The last time he said it was the morning after I'd refused to have sex because I didn't feel like it, I'm not sure if he was meaning that or not. I don't manage to organise things to make sure his home life is as comfortable as possible so he can relax and make sure he can give 100% to his work.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 09:08:22

I really, really don't like the sound of your husband

BigBrassBand Mon 09-Sep-13 09:15:43

Well fuck me.

I am reading your thread with this face: shock

He: unilaterally decides to have unprotected sex without your consent, and you think you're unreasonable for being upset? If you were to get pregnant it can have serious consequences and you need to fully accept them before making such a huge decision!

He coerced you into having DC2.

He shouts at your babies in the middle of the night if he does get up to them. But that's ok because he doesn't get up now as he makes sure he won't be disturbed with his earplugs, whisky and sleeping tablets! And he has you thinking this is a good solution....

Looking after the children IS contributing to the household. If you weren't there he'd either have to fork out £££££ for full time childcare, or give up his job.

Is he a lot older than you?

BigBrassBand Mon 09-Sep-13 09:18:46

"I don't manage to organise things to make sure his home life is as comfortable as possible so he can relax and make sure he can give 100% to his work."

You're not his servant/sex slave/general dogsbody you know! Who made him the God of your house?

Do you have an amazon account? I can recommend a few books for you.

Talking of accounts, how is he with money? Fair and equal, you have a joint account with equal access, yes?

Fairylea Mon 09-Sep-13 09:21:37

Wow he sounds awful sad sad

He doesn't help with the kids and shouts at them.
He expects sex even if you clearly don't feel like it or are feeding the baby
He is manipulative and ignores your feelings about contraception and having another baby.

And you're worried about forgiving him??! Seriously?!

BookWorm37 Mon 09-Sep-13 09:29:04

Your husband sounds very selfish and unsupportive towards you. Just because you don't work and earn money it doesn't mean you are not contributing! You are doing an extremely tough 24hr job bringing up your children with no help, whilst your husband gets out of the house to work and no doubt has regular breaks and you are supposed to pander to him when he gets home?!

As far as your original problem- he deliberately deceived you and showed no respect for your feelings or your body- you are right not to forgive him in my opinion.

Snowflaked Mon 09-Sep-13 09:50:50

It is a good solution to the sleeping problem. He's obsessed with sleeping and if he doesn't sleep well he is horrible to be around, he ignores the kids completely and is very short with them. This way he gets to sleep and the DC's don't get upset and I can usually get them back to sleep relatively easily.

We do pay for a place at a nursery for them (I don't have them today) because the waiting lists are huge and we were offered a place at the beginning of their year. If we hadn't accepted and I do find a job I wouldn't be able to take it as we'd have no childcare. So I don't have them two days a week which he does resent because I still don't have a job. Interview tomorrow though, so fingers crossed. He's not that much older than me, 6 years.

We do have an amazon account, shared because we only buy on the kindle (no space left on the bookcase!). No problem with money, apart from the short supply! We have a joint account with joint access.

Do you really think he's unsupportive? Surely this is pretty much usual in families with one parent working and one at home.

Fairylea Mon 09-Sep-13 10:00:35

Nooooooo not normal at all.

I am a sahm. Dh works 50 hours a week, sometimes finishing at 10pm, sometimes starting 8am. We have two dc one aged 10 and one 15 months.

Dh never shouts at either of them. He will get take dd to school or pick her up if work hours allow it so I don't have to go out with ds. He will give me a lie in once a week and get up with the kids.

We have joint accounts and equal spending money. He always says thank you for every meal I cook and if I'm tired and ds has been awful he will cook dinner. He will look after ds for the day if I want to go out somewhere with dd or just go out. We take turns having leisure time.

He is not a saint. <stares at horrible socks left around the place and his inability to put toilet rolls on holder> but we share all parenting equally when we are both home and he respects my role as a sahm. He appreciates the fact I do the majority of the housework and I appreciate the fact he works.

He does not expect sex. We mutually decide to have it or not. If I'm too tired he will give me a kiss and a cuddle.

My ex husband (who I left) was a lot like your dh.

BigBrassBand Mon 09-Sep-13 10:01:20

He sounds quite disrespectful of you and like he prioritises his needs and wants over yours, do you think that's an accurate statement?

So if you were to buy a kindle book such as www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Right-Assertiveness-ebook/dp/B009SAHNW6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378717169&sr=1-1&keywords=a+woman+in+your+own+right to read, would the content of the book be contentious? Or would he support you in your effort to improve your life?

Fairylea Mon 09-Sep-13 10:07:43

By the way, I am obsessed with sleeping. I have thyroid problems and a pituitary tumour. I need my sleep. However, I also have a 15month old who frequently decides to start the day at 5am. Should I ignore him and be angry with him? Fuck no. And neither should your dh. He won't bloody die because his sleep is disturbed. He needs to grow up.

BigBrassBand Mon 09-Sep-13 10:07:50

It is a good solution, for him, I'm sure. He gets to escape to work each day. I work and it's a hell of a lot easier than being at home with children, and my DH agrees with me on that.

LayMeDown Mon 09-Sep-13 10:10:19

Do you know what your problem is love? You are married to an arsehole.

If my DH had unprotected sex with me without my consent I would consider that assault. I would never forgive him for it. Ever.

If my DH pestered and manipulated and guilted me into having sex with him I would consider that coercion and that he has no respect for me as an individual with rights over my own body. I would not forgive that either.

If my DH shouted at my babies for doing what babies do and waking him up, if he ignored them, was horrible to them because he was tired, I would consider this abusive, and would get them the fuck away from that damaging environment.

You are tiptoeing around this guy on eggshells. You are quite clearly terrified of him. Can you not see this? Your posts read like you are constantly berating yourself and apologising to him. Is this how you want your children to be? Because they will be.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now