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Arsehole of a 'D'P / 'D'H

(32 Posts)

When I was in my abusive marriage (a whole other thread!) I used to read the relationship boards but not post. Why? Because although I knew I should leave and I wanted to leave I wasn't quite there yet.

Anyone who has never been in that position doesn't quite understand the power that other person has over you. You hate them and love them in equal measures, you can't leave because you feel dependent but you cry almost daily.

So this thread is a safe place. To talk without judgement and with NO ONE PERMITTED TO SAY LTB. You know you need to, that's enough. We can give advice on how to get yourself sorted / protect yourself or just chat, whether you are preparing to get yourself out, know you need to one day or want to hold someone's hand check in here.

I wish someone had made a thread like this when I needed it. Hopefully this will help someone out there.

AnotherDayAnotherNameChange Sat 07-Sep-13 22:24:40

Bloody Hell, I was just looking for this sort of advice.

We were having problems which I thought were in hand.

I came on here a week ago, as my partner had told me he didn't think we would have a future together. He said he couldn't explain why and seemed really confused, bordering on MH issues. This came to a head when I'd returned from my parents and found some sort of clean up operation had taken place on his computer.

When I asked what it was, he just went mental and said this was it, he didn't want to be with me. I pleaded with him not to go and he just said he couldn't give me an answer. This was after 7 years of him being selfish, secretive with porn/messaging other women. It got to the point where I could no longer feel I could go out, because I never knew what he was going to do next. We had a talk a few weeks back and tried to address the issues, and made plans to put things right (on my side, so didn't check his computer etc) I did try to change everything he made me feel I was doing wrong, but whatever I did it wouldn't have made any difference, because despite him saying there was no-one else involved it turns out there was. I found an email which he'd sent when he was pissed, obv got the address wrong, and it came back undelivered. He was promising his work colleague that they would be together and not to worry etc. A week earlier he was in bed with me and things have been more than ok in that department.

I've been on here lots of times in the past - conclusion was that he was gaslighting me. He is a liar and a cheat.

We don't have children together but I do have a dependent child.

What I have done so far is get him out of the house. The house is about to go on the market and I need to move into rented accommodation. House is in joint names.

Is there a list to refer to regarding next steps to take?

That's awful. Good for you for taking that step. It's a massive thing to do, especially after years of being told its your fault. I can sympathise with the scared to go out as you don't trust him to be alone. Don't be surprised if you occasionally still question yourself. I still do and I know it's him not me.

WRT next steps. Have you thought about contacting citizens advice or seeking a free half an hr with the solicitor? Have you photocopied any of his documents? Things like bank statements and payslips. Emails to OW? Do you have DC? I would contact the CSA to make sure he pays towards the children.

These men aren't your average break up with a normal person. They will till try to manipulate you. Try to put everything you can in place to protect yourself.

That's awful. Good for you for taking that step. It's a massive thing to do, especially after years of being told its your fault. I can sympathise with the scared to go out as you don't trust him to be alone. Don't be surprised if you occasionally still question yourself. I still do and I know it's him not me.

WRT next steps. Have you thought about contacting citizens advice or seeking a free half an hr with the solicitor? Have you photocopied any of his documents? Things like bank statements and payslips. Emails to OW? Do you have DC? I would contact the CSA to make sure he pays towards the children.

These men aren't your average break up with a normal person. They will till try to manipulate you. Try to put everything you can in place to protect yourself.

AnotherDayAnotherNameChange Sun 08-Sep-13 00:11:20

Thanks MoD, we don't have dc together. Yes will prob go to CAB next week. I've got the house paperwork, not sure whether his payslips will be relevant as we aren't married.

theboiledfrog Sun 08-Sep-13 10:09:19

Hi this feels like a safe place. Thank you mother its a great idea.

I, like you read and read these boards and have posted occasionally. Every time the fab advice is to LTB. I know I need to, I know the women/men who post have probably got over a hundred years combined experience of men like my H and know what they are talking about. Yet that final leap into the unknown evades me.

I stop posting because I feel like a failure for not leaving when I know I should.

I have had some counselling recently that has helped but ive wanted to leave for three years and I am now used to that wanting and just live with it I think.

Sorry if its not making sense.

H I am fairly sure is EA. One minute im certain he is, the next minute I doubt myself. I think its the doubt and guilt of turning his life upside down that keeps me here.

Every morning I wake up and try and feel strength and confidence in my own decisions from somewhere inside me but it's never there.

comingintomyown Sun 08-Sep-13 11:12:22

This is interesting.

I only found MN after around 8 months after XH left but I can guarantee had I seen it during my marriage I would have read avidly and taken an age to do anything.

I think the advice on these boards is brilliant but in some ways I am glad I didnt find them until I did. The reason for this is that whilst I think the advice is sound the timelines often arent. By that I mean people are always urging posters do tell everyone, seek legal advice, ask him to leave straight away.

In my example I saw a solicitor, after persuasion, four months after XH left and even that felt soon and I was in bits afterwards. However illogical that seems thats how it was and I would have felt like a failure too if I was being told "havent you seen a solicitor yet ?".

Everyone is different but also I have noticed some regular well meaning posters giving advice who are themselves happily married and have no actual experience of going through divorce themselves. I think that whilst their advice will often be spot on their frustration when OPs arent taking their advice as it comes is out of place. Unless you have experienced it there is no way you imagine what its like and how awful a break up is. I know I didnt.

To those who lurk and wonder if and when they will make the break all I can say I was one of you but XH found the courage to leave and made the decision for me. Yes it was the worst few months of my life bar none in spite of being amicably done but now I am so much happier and know he did me a favour.

comingintomyown Sun 08-Sep-13 11:16:52

Sorry OP I didnt answer your question did I !

Well if you arent married with no children from your partnership there will be no need to divide assets or worry about CM so I would think once you have split the proceeds from your jointly owned house that will be it.

theboiledfrog Sun 08-Sep-13 12:33:52

coming I agree with the time it takes. But I think some of the people have been through it and thier biggest and only regret is not leaving sooner, hence the advice to take steps to get things moving.

Isetan Sun 08-Sep-13 12:34:36

The thing is, when people post on Mumsnet it isn't at the first sign of trouble, its months and often years of shit. The AnyFuckers and others of the Mumsnet universe have seen and/ or witnessed the paralysis that comes with being a victim of abuse. Just because you're not ready to LTB doesn't make LTB incorrect advice.

comingintomyown, the powerless thinking behind waiting for the other person in the relationship to leave is a mindset that keeps you a victim.

I would have probably ignored the LTB comments had I had Mumsnet back in the day because I wasn't ready. I broke up with Ex eventually, not because I wanted to but because the status quo was intolerable and even after post split physical violence, financial and emotional distress I am so glad I LTB and he didn't dump my ass. LTB is a stand, its taking charge and signalling to the abuser and to oneself that the power which was surrendered is being rescinded.

comingintomyown Sun 08-Sep-13 14:04:56

Good for you Isetan

EdithWeston Sun 08-Sep-13 14:16:51

You might want to read the "Support for those in Emotioanlly Abusive Relationships" threads.

Link to 25th thread.

I think LTB is the right advice, but like others have said the timing can be off, the only reason I didn't pst is I wasn't ready to leave and didn't want to have to come back and say 'I've given him another chance!'

Yakky Sun 08-Sep-13 17:52:52

I think it's especially difficult to make that final jump when you have DCs.
From their point of view, they are forced to leave their home, material belongings, friends,etc purely because their mum doesn't like their dad anymore.
Think that makes a lot of women put off the inevitable.

BeautyBoo Sun 08-Sep-13 23:02:25

I'm really glad I found this.

I've been scared to post anywhere else because I don't want the normal replies of 'LTB' 'stay with a friend' etc etc.

My P and I brought our first house together in March. Since then it's been tough. I guess most of it the stress of money, things to do around the house and garden, having to work as much as possible and not getting much time together aswell as problems at work and health problems. It's been tough on us both individually but it's had a massive knock on effect to our relationship.

For a start our sex life is practically non existent. We've had sex 4 times since being here and that is not normal for our relationship, nor for a couple in their early 20s living in their first house together. He has also become a lot more physically aggressive. He has on more than one occasion gripped my arms hard enough to leave bruises. He has also pinned me up against walls/on the floor whilst shouting at me. I'm not an angel in these circumstances and do try to defend myself and have been known to hit back but he is always too strong for me and can usually grab my arm first. I feel he is also EA as when I've tried to talk about these times he says its my fault, I make him angry, he wouldn't do it if it wasn't for me, etc. I have told him that I think he has a problem that needs to be sorted and whether or not I wind him up there is no reason to get physical.

The only people i have spoken to about this are his mum and sister. I would like us to have counselling but we are in no position financially to do that. I do think he would go though as I know he doesn't want to live like this either.

In my head I KNOW I should leave, that I shouldn't put up with it and deserve so much better. I do so much for him and feel I never get anything back but it doesn't matter because of how much i love him.

I'm scared to leave, I'm scared to be without him and I'm scared to admit to my parents and close friends that I've become this person. I don't want to hurt them, I want them to believe I'm happy.

At the end of the day I just don't want to leave him, I love his so much and can't bear the thought of not being with him. I know it's silly, we don't have any children, the only thing we have together is the house which I know can be easily sorted but I just can't go through that heartache.

I'm not sure what advice I'm after, I think I just needed to tell somebody.

Thank you for reading

Bumpstarter Sun 08-Sep-13 23:19:32

Hi beauty, do you think he would go to counselling? It's just that relate, for example, do a sliding scale depending on what you can afford.

I found it really helpful. Good luck.

BeautyBoo Sun 08-Sep-13 23:37:33

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I think he would go. I've found our nearest councillor so will try and get in contact tomorrow. Thank you. All of the other counsellors I've found charge a ridiculous amount so fingers crossed this will be cheaper!!

alwaysonmymind Mon 09-Sep-13 09:46:29

Could I join the thread please?
I am at the end of my tether with H. You are right. I have posted on here before and I know I need to LTB but why haven't I?
He is EA but doesn't see that he does anything wrong. The world is against him apparently with everything. He did a job but didn't get paid - well they will pay next week etc he hasn't paid for the new windows he decided to get fitted - well that's because one handle is fitted on the left and it should be on the right and they won't change it etc. I could bore you all with it but you will have heard it all yourselves.

I have stayed even when he grabbed me round the throat cos. I hadn't put some tea towels away. That was nearly 3 yrs ago. I have seen a solicitor 2 times and WA as well. He was financially controlling til the day I changed my account details so he couldn't take my entire wage. I have paid the mortgage plus the arrears for the last 4yrs leaving pennies to live on. And he made me feel shit about asking for money to feed the 3 DC. I often went without food to feed them. I would make him dinner though. It was always wrong - that's not a dinner, that's a snack, it's a bit burnt, I don't fancy cottage pie and would go and get a takeaway etc

I have a mobility issue and he booked a 3wk holiday in Florida a few years ago. Our youngest was 2. I struggled to walk most days and the heat was overwhelming for the kids who were under 6. But it didn't matter that we had no money to spend while we there. I am faking my disability meaning that he was reporting me to the benefits! And that if I was really disabled and addicted to painkillers that meant I couldn't look after the kids so he would take them off me. Or he goes the other way and says how can I do this to the kids as I grew up in a single parent household (my mum died of a stroke when I was 9) etc etc

I was determined to phone the solicitor last week. Still not done it. I have no family nearby, I have no job and no money. What am I supposed to do? Where can I go? I hate him but I hate me more for being such a chicken. Aargh!

Anyway enough of the pity party. Thanks for this thread. Our days will come!

Always that is awful. I know how you feel when you need to get out but just can't do it. Could you make him leave. When XH stormed out when I broke up with him I locked the door after him no used h ack door key to get in and out, when he became violent I called the police and they told him not to go near the home,

alwaysonmymind Mon 09-Sep-13 13:36:59

Mother - the solicitor told me it is as much his home as mine as his name is on the mortgage. About 6 months ago he asked me if I wanted him to move out. I immediately said yes. I think he was shocked that the answer was so quick. But he didn't move out obviously.
I hate this house. It is falling down as I am not fit to sort it but that makes me a lazy cow. But I would move out with the kids in a heartbeat if I had somewhere to go sad.

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 09-Sep-13 13:50:13

Seconding looking at the Emotional Abuse thread. We know how hard it is to go, we understand and support people who can't go (yet), and some who leave and then go back. So easy to say LTB but not always that easy in RL sad

alwaysonmymind Wed 11-Sep-13 10:28:14

Can I ask a question please?

This is prompted by another thread in Relationships. When ever he does something major that has a big impact on us ( eg financing stuff for his "business" even though I had concerns and then we nearly lost house over - there are so many other examples) I find it hard to forgive and move on. When I try to talk about the situation I get told that its done now and to move on - to stop living in the past.
Well my point is that incidents like that have brought us to the point we are now at. He will do the same thing over and over eg I came back from work a while ago to find he had got 4 new windows put in the house. They are needed but other windows would be a priority (eg in the kids bedroom.) So now they are taking him to court as he hasn't paid.
He doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes or even admit or apologise. It's me who has a problem and as its already been done I need to move on. But I can't. He says that I am the problem, of course.

I suppose it is another sign that I do need to go but why don't I?
Sighsad

Perhaps its because you think he will one day have an epiphany and change. This is why my friend hung on for so long till she realised that he would not ever change. She wishes to this day she had left sooner.

No woman in my experience who has left such an abusive relationship has ever regretted that decision. If there is any residual regret, it is usually that they did not leave sooner.

BeautyBoo - I am very worried for you because he is using verbal and physical violence against you.

If you are still reading this do not at all engage in any joint counselling sessions with your P. Its a complete non starter. Such counselling is never ever recommended when there is abuse present and such men use these sessions to further beat their victim with. No decent counsellor anyway would see the two of you together at all due to the violence.

If you have counselling go on your own; in your shoes I would be talking to Womens Aid as well as your family and plan your exit. What have your mother and sister said?. I realise you write you don't want to leave him but seriously what choice do you have?. You seem all too afraid to leave him and be without him but he will kill you in the end emotionally or you could end up in hospital more than once because of him. Such men always but always too make it out to be the other person's fault as is the case here.

There is no justification or excuse for the abuse he is putting you through. The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is none.

BeautyBoo,

Ah, I have re-read this and you have talked to his mother and sister!!.
They have likely backed him or told you that their son/brother is alright really due to family loyalties and all that. They will likely also side with him over you.

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 11:37:33

It's a tough call.

IME the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. Over time your perceptions become skewed and your tolerance increased. There are many women (and some men) in intolerable relationships who genuinely couldn't understand why anyone would tell them to LTB because they can't see what's so bad to warrant that reaction. It's called cognitive dissonance.

However, I think most abused partners go through a process. There is the process of normalisation and loss of self that I've just described. Many people never break out of that. For others, however, leaving is very much a process. Something happens that the victim's conscience/self-respect/love for child/whatever means can no longer be ignored. It's like giving someone a torch in a room that's only lit by an outside streetlight. Suddenly things that have always been there start to look quite different once direct light is cast on them. Shining the torch around the whole room can take time - sometimes years, but eventually the truth of the relationship is seen for what it is.

Most people then leave. Forcing them to leave before they have examined the whole room in detail, simply makes them doubt their own mind (something the abuser has been doing to them already) and more inclined to switch off the torch.

Sadly, there are some who are so beaten down by years of abuse, that their reaction to seeing the room in such stark detail is to accept that they somehow deserve it. And the more you put up, or the more you expose your DC to it, the more likely you are to think along those lines. The danger is that by not leaving earlier, you fall into that trap.

Like I say, it's a fine line.

I think a safe space for those who have just picked up possession of the torch is a great idea. smile

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