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Any advice with getting exp to leave me alone would be appreciated

(32 Posts)
DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 10:31:33

Have had a thread a few months ago on now exp, but to cut long story short he's a dickhead. He's lied repeatedly and twisted things where I would say sorry for what he had done, he's crossed so many boundaries and enough was enough.

He won't leave me alone, I try not to engage (doesn't always work) he turns up and barges his way in. Yesterday after dropping dc off after having them for a few hours after school he barged in went to my fridge helped himself to food, starts shouting at me because I refused to discuss his life and generally was throwing his weight around iyswim.

Last weekend it ended up instead of him having dc it ended up us all going to the cinema and his other dc. There again he doesn't leave me alone and when we went out after he's again grabbing my arse trying to kiss me ect ect.

Last night he was threatening me like a child if I didn't kiss him he was going to slap me. I didn't and he didn't but its still not nice.

He won't stick to a regular contact day and time either (cos he won't be in control) and I'm just so fed up of this stress.

I think because we had a volotile relationship and used to argue once a month and he would leave for 3 days he thinks I'm not so serious now. He has admitted we're not over till he says.

I just want him to leave me alone but still see the dc, I don't understand why he's still doing this. He has done some truly awful things to me but I'm the one who feels guilty and I have to be honest I do really miss him sometimes. Well I miss the nice times not the horrible times.

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 10:40:01

....

I think you need to stop him seeing the DC until he realises its over and begins to act accordingly.

Do you have any family (preferably a large man) who could be there on handovers if you decide to keep contact going?

Don't go to the cinema with him or anything like that. He will see it as the relationship being not over.

You have done well to get rid of him. He sounds like a pig. What a bully. Now you have to keep your resolve, you are strong enough!

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 10:59:59

I have got family around but as he doesn't do set times and days ie he wakes up then rings to see where we are and if he can pick them up, and again bringing them back he just brings them back whenever. So having a friend or family member over wouldn't work unless they were going to be here all afternoon and evening

I don't really want to stop contact, yes he's a pig but I feel the dc benefit seeing him as they usually go to his mums or brothers or see their other siblings which they wouldn't do otherwise.

I do feel proud of myself getting rid, and yes cinema trips and family days out are off the cards again. I just want him to see that to.

Contact has to work for you too though.

I suggest you agree set days and times. It will eventually get very unsettling for the DCs to not know from one day to the next if they are seeing him etc.

DD1 goes to her dads every tuesday after school then he drops her to school on weds, and 11.30 every sat to 4 on sun.

At the start he was like your ex, he would barge in. He called a million times a day etc. It took a while for that to stop, but giving him no hope was key.

I have been there and I know how hard it is. But you are still letting him call the shots. You need to put your foot down and stop pandering to him. Someday in the future you will need to be able to rely on him taking them (so you can work, go out with friends, attend an appointment) and that groundwork needs laid now!

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 12:11:44

I don't know how to go about getting him to have them consistently though. I suppose ideally he would see them at least once a week but I don't want every weekend with them gone.

strokethecat Sat 07-Sep-13 12:24:34

Oh dear, not a good situation to be in OP...
My children are all grown up now, late teenager years and early 20's and when I left their father about 5 years ago and he started all this malarkey I had to give them a choice - contact him if you wish, it will not upset me nor worry me. See him if that is what you want and I will respect it but I will not be a part of it. And he is never to come here to my home. They were younger then clearly but able to make their own minds up about contact.
I feel for those with young children who don't have the almost luxury to be able to have this conversation with their Dc's.

This post is of no help to you I know but you are not alone in suffering this behaviour at all so don't go feeling that you are smile Its temporary, if that is of any help to you. Children grow up and pretty much make their own minds up about things like this.
We do all feel its our responsibility as a parent to ensure a good relationship between Dc's and the other parent but really, it is not. Its up to the other parent.

Try to, whenever possible, when thinking of him and his behaviour, to do so with as much humour as you can muster up. Its hard but it helps to cope. It soon becomes second nature to mock the fool as he stomps about with his demanding self, all bloody minded and frankly looking like a tosser (that's my ex - not yours but if he is the same as my ex then yeah, tosser is the word!)

Keep your head up OP - this will pass.

WithConfidence Sat 07-Sep-13 12:29:18

I wouldn't want ds to be gone every weekend either but that doesn't mean you can't sort something out. You have to be reasonable taking in to account his time not at work, dcs' bedtime, mealtimes etc. Then send an email proposing times and dates and how much notice needed for changes.

Have all coats and shoes ready so as soon as you see him heading to your door get them ready and yourself and say you are heading out (go around the block!) On return, watch for him, open door and welcome in dc and say "Everything ok? Right, see you xday. Say goodbye to your dad kids." and shut door in his face. He will get the message.

If not you can try handovers in public but it is a pain if he doesn't turn up.

I hate not having her here at weekends. But its the price I have to pay to not still be with an abusive prick.

Either he has them set days or he continues to control your life.

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 12:36:48

I've just composed an email saying

You need to sit down and think when you can consistently have dc, I'm willing to be quite flexible about this I just want the same times and days and you can beep when your outside so no nee to come to the door.

I'm proposing every other Saturday night and Wednesday night for dinner after school on the other week.

It's upto you really I just want them to know where they are.

WithConfidence Sat 07-Sep-13 12:38:42

I would put in specific times so he knows he can't just bring them back when he's had enough.

Good luck.

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 12:39:30

Strokethecat I have changed his name on my phone to mr perfect so everytime he rings I'm laughing at his nn grin humour helps a lot!

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 12:41:53

I thought if I give him the control to choose the set times then he can't moan at me or use it against me. So if he says 11 every Saturday morning then he can't moan and say its to early or he has to much to do iyswim.

clam Sat 07-Sep-13 12:58:27

I think you need to stop with the cinema trips (or whatever). He's taking that as a green light as it's sort of a mixed message.

Dahlen Sat 07-Sep-13 13:20:45

I think you need to completely change how you're dealing with this. Even your email to him sounds appeasing rather than matter of fact. You need to show him his behaviour won't be tolerated. That means upping the ante.

I'm normally the person who tries to find the middle ground and work out win/win situations for people. When it come to an abuser who thinks nothing of threatening to slap you if you don't kiss him, all best are off. The only language someone like that understands is zero-tolerance with consequences to back it up.

Given that you are used to being cowed by him (for very good reasons sad) the only chance you have to do this is to eliminate your exposure to him. That means no more cosy family outings and no more entry into your house (or you in his). That sort of set up only works when separated parents are on very good terms, and where there is mutual respect.

I would write an email to say that you have decided that the current arrangement is not working. You need a specified contact arrangement with set times. You are happy for him to specify the dates and times but once agreed on, they must be adhered to. If he cannot make whatever day/time he has specified one week, he will miss that contact. While you are willing to be flexible as the occasion demands it (e.g. an extra visit for a family member's birthday), these need to arranged within reasonable timeframes (e.g. 7 days), not on an ad-hoc basis because you need to be able to plan your own life and, more importantly, the children need the benefit of a routine.

Go on to state that handovers will be made on the street as you no longer consent to have him in your home due to previous assaults on you, which include grabbing your bottom and attempting to kiss you while threatening you with violence if you didn't comply (and yes, name them for what they are). Point out that not only do you have every right to feel safe within your own home, your children have the right not to be forced to witness their father's abuse of their mother.

You can contact your X's family direct to see if they want to continue contact with your DS.

I suspect that once your X realises that you will not be intimidated by him and give in to him, his interest in his children will recede quite dramatically. That is sad, but please, please, please do not chase after him trying to make him step up. THat is the last thing your children need. if he's going to be a useless fuckwit of a father who views his children only as pawns he can use to abuse their mother, they really are better off without him.

Good luck.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 07-Sep-13 13:37:52

What Dahlen said is great advice smile

SpottyDottie Sat 07-Sep-13 13:48:26

Your email is too ambiguous. You need to be more assertive. He needs to have set times. No coming into your house or trips together. If he can't respect boundaries then he may need to collect them from somewhere other than your home, and drop off too. A nuisance but then, he can't just barge in and help himself to your stuff then either? Are you still on good terms with his parents? Could that be somewhere he collected them from?

SpottyDottie Sat 07-Sep-13 13:49:24

X post with Dahlen.

NettleTea Sat 07-Sep-13 14:21:00

totally agree with Dahlen
If he starts to throw his weight about or not comment I would be tempted to tell him you will stop contact until he CAN do as requested regarding making arrangements
If he pisses about after that then suggest you stop contact and tell him that as he was abusive/whatever you are applying to court for a fixed contact order.
warn him not to attempt to come to your home or intimidate you
if he does call the police.
make sure everything is by email so you have a record.

NettleTea Sat 07-Sep-13 14:23:07

you can also apply to have pick up/drop offs via a third part or contact centre.

my mum does my contact for me. ex wouldnt mess her around. but if it was me......

have secondary plans in place so that if he is supposed to collect at 3, and it gets to half 3, go out and dont be there waiting for him.

georgedawes Sat 07-Sep-13 15:02:51

listen to dahlen

DragonsAreReal Sat 07-Sep-13 15:10:40

Thank you for all the advice so far.

I am definitely copying and pasting dahlans email suggestion.

I expect sadly though he won't put in any effort to bother that much with dc once he realises he's not coming back to me. Will take on board suggestion of making plans so if he doesn't turn up me and dc can go out and have a nice day.

DragonsAreReal Sun 08-Sep-13 20:03:29

Well I sent out email and he rang up shouting saying he's not going to see dc until he's ready to see them. I told him to fuck off then as he won't get this chance with me being so reasonable and accommodating again!

He isn't going to give up his control of you easily.

Hold your ground. As has already been said, its not upto you to make him have a good relationship with his DCs. That's his job. If they end up hating him he only has himself to blame.

DragonsAreReal Sun 08-Sep-13 20:38:46

Your right it isn't my job, it's his problem not mine and I don't need to run around after him sorting it out. Going to leave it alone completely now it's not worth the head space.

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