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Advice on how to handle a school mum

(51 Posts)
Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 08:11:43

I would welcome some advice please or a kick up the bum if I am being over sensitive. grin

There is a school mum who does not appear to like my Dd for some reason. I have gathered this impression over the last year. She makes jokey negative comments to me about her. She also praises the other kids in a totally over the top way while ignoring my dd. 2 recent examples this week to illustrate what I mean.

We were both watching a sports team of 7 which included my dd and not hers. She kept up a conversation of how fabulous each if the team members are and how the deserve to be in the team. eg, fab shot Anna, she is an excellent player, really deserves to be in the team. Amazing defending Evie, Jess you are fantastic etc... The only player that did not get a mention was my Dd (who did play well and that is according to other parents)

A few of the girls, including my dd, are auditioning for a part in the school play. She bought the subject up whilst talking in a group of mums including me and most of the the other mums with Dd's auditioning by saying 'so I hear dd is auditioning' . She then proceeded to tell me who else is, how good they are and how she would be 'happy for either x,y or z to get the part' . Again my dd was the only child not mentioned.

These are not isolated events but frequent occurrences.

I handled this usually by smiling and agreeing how fab the other girls are. But yesterday I was surprised how upset and rattled I felt about the latest incident and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach about facing this again for a whole year...

Am I being over sensitive ?

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 08:55:13

Fantastic analogy headinhands

Dahlen Sat 07-Sep-13 08:56:30

If you want to avoid an obvious confrontation, you need to make it clear that you can see what she's doing, feel sorry for her obvious insecurity and do it in a way that personifies charm and grace. As another poster said - killing her with kindness.

Next time she she says something, agree enthusiastically, and then say something like, "oh but we musn't forget our own DDs must we! Mine deserves to be on the team/in the play because (insert non-OTT compliment here) about your own child, and yours because of (insert whatever reason here). Are you worried (other mum's DD) won't make it? Don't be, she's great." and smile sweetly.

Bumblequeen Sat 07-Sep-13 08:57:07

This is not someone you need to spend time with. Just smile on seeing her and leave it at that.

Crosspollenation Sat 07-Sep-13 08:59:00

In my experience of playground mother politics...it is like actually being back in the playground yourself ! I had a big fall out (well we weren't exactly friends just playing the charade of being so...) with a mum at the school. She kept cancelling playdates with my DD with spurious excuses, after one excuse too many I picked her up on it and suggested that it her DD was ill that Sunday, then I assume she won't be at swimming club the next morning...well that unleashed a torrent of abuse and personal attack, shouting down the phone at me for over 10 minutes (feeling guilty and caught out!) BTW she did go swimming the next morning depsite having a "high temperature !. Sadly at the time I was so shocked couldn't think of the witty thing to say or classy put down and two years later I still see her (she has moved near by & DD's are in same year..). Must say the sight of her still winds me up...gad its annoying as rise above it would be more ultimately more satisfying but I want to throttle her. I think it can be hard with some Mums when you don't want to play the game that everything is tickety boo...they want to pretend it is.
Sonnet, if she is passive aggressive or lack of self awareness, you may get a "what is your problem response?". I didn't grin and bear it in the end...at least I realised what a beeatch she was.

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:12

I wish there was a like button for some of these posts...
I suspect you are right lovingfreedom grin
Great advice international power and it feels intrinsically right to me to do that.
I am glad it worked out okay Zoe999. My worry about confronting her is that I think it would make her bitch about dd to the other mothers. I don't care what she says about me, just what crap she spouts about dd.
I really don't 'get' why some mothers have to behave like this. They are 12 year old girls and deserve all the encouragement they can get.

Pawprint Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:58

She sounds odd. Is she jealous, perhaps?

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:06:14

She is PA crosspollenation and it is part of the mothers circle out of school she mixes with, all dance, singing, drama competitions and modelling auditions.

Bumblequeen Sat 07-Sep-13 09:06:52

There seems to be a lot of pressure for mothers to make friends in the school playground and be pally with people they are uncomfortable with.

A lot of these 'friendships' appear false. It can also be awkward if a friendship turns sour and you then worry the mother will encourage her dc not to play with your dc. Childish as it seems some women do this.

Our dc will make friends with or without our involvement.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:14

If a grown woman started bitching to me about children I would have to pull her up on it...."er, well yes, she might so xxxxxx or be xxxxxx but then she is only 10 isn't she?? Don't think you should talk about xxxxx like that, she's only a kid".
What a nasty piece of work.....urggghhhh

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:21

She has no reason to be pawprint. Her dd is very pretty and talented. My dd is a real trier and good and sport. She does appear to be popular with the other dd's and I think this maybe a factor. I also have reason to believe (no evidence) though that she had put the boot in about dd to other mothers.

I just need to avoid..

InternationalPower Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:41

OMG, she's still this involved when they're 12yos!

I've hardly met any of the mums at my DS1's secondary school blush The boys organise their own social life with very little input from us, apart from taxi driving, if they really can't go on their bikes

Bumblequeen Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:43

I cannot think of anything worse than trying to fit in with a group of women just because our dc are in the same class/school.

I remember mother and baby class only too well and will probably not attend with dc2.

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:58

I do pull her up MDD. I would never bitch about a child sad
She is careful to only outwardly bitch on a one to one and I have managed to successfully avoid listening to any bitching for a year! smile

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:13:41

I know IP!! This dd is my third... Never had any if this with the other 2, particularly at this age. Unfortunately there are a few 'involved' mothers in this year group?

afromom Sat 07-Sep-13 09:17:03

It definitely sounds like she is jealous of your DD!

I've had the same with a Mum at DS's school who he plays football with, her DS was horrible to my DS along the lines of"I'm better than you" all the time, really denting his confidence. The Mum was always getting in sly digs about my DS too, whenever he got the slightest thing wrong or had a bad match it was "oh, he's not very awake today," or "oh he really should have done x". I was so sick if it and so was DS, but we waited and at the end of last year we got our reward! They picked the school team and DS got in it and this lad did not, DS also was selected to play for a professional Development centre and the lad was not. I know I shouldn't have felt smug, as its horrible for the other boy, but after all the grief he has given DS! After all of this the other lad continued with his nastiness until one day DS said " well how can you possibly be better than me, when you haven't been picked to be on the team?" Right in front of his mum. (she had never discouraged her DS from putting my DS down before, so I didn't discourage this, but we did have words when we got home) he hasn't been like this since. I've also had several "interesting conversations" with the mum, where she keeps bringing up DS and asking how he is getting on! She then gets all shirty when I tell her he is doing great, I'm sure she is expecting me to say "oh awful, he's finding it really hard!"

So my advice would be to ignore like I did, bide you time and something will happen that will take her down a peg or 2 and you will have the upper hand.

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:25:22

Well done to your ds afromun!!
The negative digs are typical of this mum too- in fact said in the same breath as praising the others. Her dd is lovely though so not like the boy who was digging at your DS though!

TSSDNCOP Sat 07-Sep-13 09:29:42

You do what my friend with super-talented kids does.

Take your kids godparents along to whatever event and stand them right next to Gobby mum.

I then rave on about how brilliant my godchildren are, emphasising the truth that they also have to work very, very hard to be that good.

Grown women want to rip my eyes out, but they STFU when they talk to my friend after.

grin

celticclan Sat 07-Sep-13 09:50:25

I know someone like this. Our children are not at the same school and it isn't my child she is making passive aggressive digs at.

I usually yawn or change the subject whilst she is still talking which I realise is rude but she is insufferable and deserves it. I have no interest in how many house points the offspring of her friends are accruing.

Sonnet Sat 07-Sep-13 10:11:01

grin TSSDNCOP

That makes me feel better celticclan 😄

HazleNutt Sat 07-Sep-13 11:08:28

pull her up on it the next time she says something blatantly bitchy. Such bullies count on others being too nice to reply. You should not lower yourself to her level, be aggressive or bitch about other children, just calmly ask for an explanation. Like when she says that she'd be 'happy for either x,y or z to get the part' - 'oh, so why would you not be happy for DD to get the part?'

addictedtofarmville Sun 08-Sep-13 22:34:42

She sounds like a horrible, insecure, jealous cow.

I'd avoid her as much as possible. Don't listen to her drivel. At sports events/plays try to stand as far from her as possible and try to get conversations going with other mums. Just disengage from her as much as you can.

I know it's sometimes a good idea to pull people like her up, but in this situation I wouldn't, as I don't think she would change her behaviour, she would get satisfaction from knowing she is getting to you, and she would probably act the victim and start bitching about you to others.

flippingebay Sun 08-Sep-13 22:43:17

I think I'd use the age old mn response if she says something negative about your DC
'Do you mean to be so rude'?

superstarheartbreaker Mon 09-Sep-13 04:05:53

This sounds a bit odd. I would say something like..." yes these girls are fab.....but my daughter is far better at x/y/z and has been selected for x/ y snd z. That might shut her up. Who cares if she tells the other mums you have been boasting. It is a mother's perogative to boast about your own child even if it isI intensely irritating for everyone else!

superstarheartbreaker Mon 09-Sep-13 04:15:53

This sounds a bit odd. I would say something like..." yes these girls are fab.....but my daughter is far better at x/y/z and has been selected for x/ y snd z. That might shut her up. Who cares if she tells the other mums you have been boasting. It is a mother's perogative to boast about your own child even if it isI intensely irritating for everyone else!

baddriver Mon 09-Sep-13 05:23:15

Tbh I would steer clear, not get into any conversation with her at all. She feeds off your reaction, don't let her have it.

I know a school mum a lot like your one, totally over involved in all aspects of school life, gossips to anyone who will listen, bitches about the children etc.

She is quite smiley and seemingly helpful, but any encounter would leave me feeling uncomfortable. So one day I decided to cut her out.

Now when she approaches me I say hi and keep walking. If she stops to chat, I say hi and keep walking. Once I even said, well you'd better go.

It. Feels. Great.

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