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Desperate to get her back, our unborn son deserves but of his mum and dad!

(76 Posts)
Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 06:49:51

Firstly, I hope it's not inappropriate for me as a man to venture on here for help and apologies if it is? Yes, a relationship has gone wrong, yes I am to blame, yes I love her and yes, I want us to be a family both for the benefit of our unborn son and for us. My girlfriend fell pregnant after only 3 months, we're not young, I'm 10+ years older than her (she is 30+) and after a few weeks of knowing she was pregnant I acted like a total idiot and distanced myself from her completely. I kept in touch by text almost daily and saw her a few times, went to the 20 week scan but, through what I now know was a fear of commitment having been both 'cleaned out' financially and emotionally in the past, I lied to both myself and her and said I didn't think we had a future together. That was one of the biggest mistakea I have made in my entire life, I've been a total idiot, I now know I love her to bits, I very much want her back for her and for us to bring up our unborn son as a family (she has 8 weeks to go). Having seen her about 5 weeks ago I very much knew this but I missed the opportunity to tell her, having tried to we see her again I then got the bombshell by text that she had met somebody else, it destroyed me and the feeling I had only confirmed to me how much I love this woman. I have emailed and text and asked her to see me but to no avail, I strongly believe we owe it to our unborn sun to try every possible avenue in our relationship before we completely walk away. I want to be there for our son regardless, but he deserves better from us both as his parents. No, we don't know each other having only been together for a few months but I love her, I want her, I will give her my everything and I have told her that both by email and text, sadly she will not see me face to face. I have asked to meet to discuss the future well being and upbringing of our son but have had no response. I don't wish to have confrontation, my texts, my emails and my calls receive no response. I know I have let both her and our unborn son down, I was a total idiot but the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman, I want to commit my all to her but am failing miserably in being able to prove it given my performance to date, but I hold my hands high and admit it and just ask for the opportunity for a second chance. Can anybody advise on how I may be able to rescue this tragic situation so that we can give our son the very best opportunity when he arrives in this world? I know it's a tough call and like I said at the beginning I apologise if it is inappropriate in this forum (let alone the length of my ramblings) but I could find nowhere else to go.
Thank you in anticipation and indeed for reading this far.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 08:03:36

Actions speak louder than words .

And bear in mind the story or two people fighting over a child , holding it by each arm pulling it towards them , saying its mine , no it's mine

The true parent was the one who let go of the child's arm as it was being hurt

CailinDana Sat 07-Sep-13 08:12:54

Totally agree with everything rhat's been said so far. Calling texting and emailing a woman who is about to face the most massive change in her life is nasty cruel behaviour. Leave her alone have some bloody respect.

Out of interest from a purely financial point of view how much have you contributed so far?

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:14:50

The CSA assesses child support for 1 child at 15% of net earnings btw op. when you're apologising you might make it clear that you are intending to honour that.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sat 07-Sep-13 08:20:21

Agree with everyone else. Except I'd go further. I don't think for a moment what you're experiencing is a sudden epiphany. I think you're suffering from a bad attack of dog-in-the-manger-itis. You don't want her yourself, but you don't want anyone else to have her either. And trust me, if you were unable to handle the stress of her being pregnant, you sure as hell won't manage the hundred-fold increase in stress that is life with a new-born. I wish your ex every happiness in her new relationship.

Send her a dignified letter apologising for your crap behaviour in dumping her at a very vulnerable time in her life, and for harrassing her subsequently. Make sure that you don't try to make excuses for your behaviour or attempt to minimise it, and most importantly, don't try to shift any of the blame onto her. Offer to be part of the child's life on her terms, not yours. Then step back and see if she chooses to take you up on the offer.

Whocansay Sat 07-Sep-13 08:30:37

Does she post on here? If so, coming on here is a REALLY bad idea as it will make you look like a stalker.

You abandoned her and your child when your partner was hugely vulnerable. If she had you back she has no guarantees that you wouldn't 'make a mistake' and do it again. She moved on. Leave her alone and deal with co parenting.

And PS, your actions caused all this. Not her. She has just got on with her life.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 08:37:29

Have you given her any money so far ?

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:40:38

I fear the op has abandoned thread because he's not hearing what he wants to hear.

Which seems to be a pattern with him....

Rooners Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:25

I think you probably only want her back because you know she is with someone else.

It's a kind of natural emotion but it won't make up for the fact you treated her like shit and she lost all faith in you.

You can't get that back now. You have, in other words, blown it.

I'd suggest you leave her alone.

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:49

Either you are lacking in self-awareness or responsibility because I think it is ridiculous to suggest, as you have, that your abandonment of her and the baby during the pregnancy was somehow beyond your control. She had no option to run away from this, you running from it both blames her and abdicates your responsibility, and she would be totally reasonable to really resent you, both for you doing it and for your attitude that suggests you feel it was just something that happened and she should get over it.

It was a massive and unacceptable failure on your part for which, as a man 10 years older, you have little to no excuse. You still don't get it now and you're still blaming her.

I agree with the others that what you are doing is harassing and guilt tripping her which is abusive behaviour.

The relationship is over. Let it go.

I share other's doubts that off the basis of this you will achieve being a good parent. Stability is what is important not parents being in a relationship, giving it a try with you would be insane. She is absolutely being a good mother by refusing to but more than that it sounds like she has moved on with someone else. Leave her alone, she doesn't want you and that should be enough to stop all the harassing texts.

You will do yourself no favours asking to meet up to speak about shared parenting when actually you just want to harangue her about being in a relationship. You come across still as not caring at all about the child, or her, only about yourself.

There are only 8 weeks left of the pregnancy, you seriously need to get a grip of yourself and get your priorities in order. Get some counselling, do some parenting classes, start contributing financially basically focus on being at least an adequate father and expect her to never want to have any relationship with you again. The best you can hope for at this stage I would say is that you can eventually prove you are a committed and caring father to the child and she may then trust you enough for there to be a civil and co-operative parenting relationship between you. If I were her I would be seriously worried about your parenting abilities and wary about allowing you to see the child.

Xales Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:09

She has met someone else. You had your chance and blew it. She owes you nothing in terms of a romantic relationship.

All you can do is concentrate on being the best father you can to this child and a decent ex to your ex.

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 08:52:22

And seriously the utter gall of you lecturing her about good parenting, entirely motivated by trying to bully her into doing what you have now decided you must have, when you know nothing of good parenting and have had nothing to do with what should have been the shared experience of the child during pregnancy really sticks in my craw.

I feel so so sorry for this poor woman.

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:53:03

I too suspect OP has left because he's either left his message for his MNetting ex or we are not saying the right things....

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:54:07

..or possibly will return to say he knew we'd be against him from the off just because he's a man

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:10

I am rather wondering if he knows how much a cot and mattress, decent buggy/pram, car seat, and clothing for the first 6 months cost. Especially as car seat and mattress must be brand new - no Ebay finds possible. If he really wanted to show willing I think a good way to start would be to send a cheque for as much as he can reasonably afford towards those costs with a note explaining what the money is for.

FatalFlowerGarden Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:17

I'm another one who's interested to know what prompted the realisation that you are 'in love' with a woman you (by your own admission) barely know and haven't had any proper contact with for months?

You're not in love, and she knows it. You've blown your chance. She's taken you at your word - you told her there was no future for the two (three) of you, so all she's done is got on with things. She had no choice, after all, did she?

You can't just turn around now and expect her to come running. You had no thought for what was 'best' for your unborn child when you abandoned her, but you're happy to harrass her with emotional blackmail now that it suits you?

If I were in your shoes, I would email her once more to ask for her bank details so you can set up a standing order for 15% of your salary. Tell her you would like to be part of your child's life but that you are not going to hassle her anymore about a relationship with her. And then leave her alone.

You made your choice months ago. Have some respect and let her make hers.

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 09:01:52

I think you should concentrate on trying to be a father to the child. I'm a bit amazed that she has met someone while pregnant with another man's child. And the getting pregnant after three months with you? Is she a bit flaky? I can't see that you love her. Not really. I think you are panicking about being a dad and being separate from your child. I'd concentrate on healing that. Good luck.

Squitten Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:23

From what I have read there, it sounds like this is all about what YOU want OP. When YOU decided you didn't want to be involved, you dumped her. Now that YOU have decided that you do want to be involved, you are harrassing her until she agrees to it.

NOT the behaviour of someone who wants to make amends!

Your relationship with her is irrelevant at this point and you cannot force her to be a "family" with you. After the way you have behaved, surely you can understand why she does not want this?

All you can demand, and you have the right to do it, is to have a relationsip with your baby. This is a two-way street. You must provide financially for your child and organise a proper schedule of visitation, respectful of any factors such as her breast-feeding the baby, etc. You should probably organise all of this via a solicitor for now so that everyone is clear where they stand. Perhaps, in time, if you prove yourself to be a good person and a good father, she may change her mind about you. But that is for HER to decide. Not YOU.

If you can't do any of that OP, you are better off leaving them both well alone. Your child will be better off with no father at all rather than one who makes his/her mother's life miserable, refuses to provide for them and is inconsistent.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 09:03:56

You think she sounds flaky nkf?

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 09:05:34

I think they both do.

Yama Sat 07-Sep-13 09:08:16

To me, it reads like you just don't want another man bringing up your child.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 09:08:37

Oh yes, I forgot. When men abandon you in early pregnancy you're supposed to put on a burqa, remain faithful and devoted, and yearn for their manly arms. Not get on with your life like an actual adult and realise the brief fling leading up to the accidental conception should not define your life. This new relationship may in fact be with an old friend. It could be an ex. You have no idea, and nor do we. Yet confronted with a post from a man harassing a woman he's previously deserted, your response is that her having someone else makes her "flaky"?

She's pregnant. This does not make her the OP's property. That comment and the unthinking misogyny underlying it disgusts me. And it echoes, actually, the entitlement the OP displays here.

FatalFlowerGarden Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:38

It's entirely possible that she told the OP she'd met someone else to get him to leave her alone, no?

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:15

I don't think she sounds flaky at all, off the basis of what nkf? Getting pregnant was not her fault, it was something that happened to both of them and nothing to do with flakiness. I think in the era of modern contraception it is easy to forget exactly how easy it is to accidentally fall pregnant.

Meeting someone else while pregnant is flaky? Why? I'd be worried it was the opposite actually, that she might be making too much investment too soon in a relationship because she was worried about being alone.

By maintaining dignified silence and not being swayed by all the blackmail I think she's displaying signs of being very stable and committed to the baby. Presumably it must be very difficult to not give in to this type of bullying when you were not the one who ended the relationship and you are vulnerable by way of being pregnant.

Yama Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:36

Yes, I am rather disappointed by the 'flaky' comment. Good post PerfectStorm.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 09:12:59

The OP seems pretty clear he'd not told her of his newly discovered feelings when he got the text saying that, though.

I do wonder what more she could do to indicate her disinterest in the OP at this stage, however. Short of a solicitor's letter requiring that he leave her alone, I can't think of much.

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