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menopause my dh and porn

(65 Posts)
ianandsibel1971 Fri 06-Sep-13 22:32:44

Not sure how to start this.

I've discovered that my dh is watching online porn, I confronted him today about it having checked his history on his laptop.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex, he is 7 years younger and when I confronted him he said he felt ashamed but need an outlet for his needs.

I am angry but has he really done anything wrong

cronullansw Tue 10-Sep-13 01:58:23

Back2Two - you haven't answered the rest of my questions have you?

If you can't, then please keep my name out of things in future.

Back2Two Mon 09-Sep-13 13:07:45

He's watching porn, instead of going out and pulling hot MILF's, you should be over the moon, not angry.

This cronullansw. This is what I'm wittering on about.

RaRaZ Mon 09-Sep-13 11:05:58

I kinda see your point, OP, but at the same time, it doesn't sound as though your DH is being nasty or demeaning about it. Without wanting to sound nasty, it's you who doesn't want sex. You can't expect his sex drive to disappear as well. As some have said, wanking doesn't have to mean porn - but perhaps that's the only thing that works for DH apart from sex? I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with it, but I can also see the point of the poster/s who've said you can't expect to dictate how he pleasures himself when you don't want sex with him. If there's nothing you can/want to do to return your sex drive, I think you and DH should perhaps have a chat about all this so you can tell each other how you feel.

meditrina Mon 09-Sep-13 10:15:03

He's said he's willing to forgo using porn in ways that the OP has said she finds unacceptable. This is a good thing, and not something to feel guilty about. We all have our own views on what is acceptable, and you should not feel guilty for expressing yours and having them heeded.

But I do think that you need to think about physical intimacy in your marriage. It is important and it needs to be mutually rewarding. A considerate partner (which I assume OP's DH is, as he has responded to her request to desist) will understand when a bodily reason (such as major hormonal changes) means there is a fallow spell. But set against this there needs to be an end in sit. If the hormonal changes were, say, post-natal ones, then you'd probably just wait it out. With the menopause, which can last years, then a trip to the GP is indicated - loss of libido is common, but isn't inherent and if it is causing relationship difficulties it needs to be explored (much as one would seek treatment for erectile dysfunction - which, like menopausal loss of libido can be either physically or psychologically rooted).

If you are tackling the libido loss, and if there is still some affectionate contact, then the situation is hopeful.

cronullansw Mon 09-Sep-13 09:45:55

Back2two -

''Such a good loving husband according to Cronullshaw (a man I presume) because he has been so kind and thoughtful as not to go and be unfaithful. Of course, he has the right to be unfaithful if his wife can't provide sex.''

WTF are you wittering on about? You are making the assumption about being unfaithful if wife can't provide sex, so leave my name out of it.

And wtf has my gender got to do with you? Yes I'm male - does that mean I can't comment here? Are you that discriminatory?

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 08:23:33

CFD, so if you got something wrong you would not acknowledge it then ?

Boosterseat Mon 09-Sep-13 07:58:03

Load of tosh?

Excellent argument that, really well thought through and insightful.

Some people have shite imaginations Valium - plus we all just know the porn industry is full of ethical treatment, respect towards your partner and achievable expectations hmm

valiumredhead Mon 09-Sep-13 07:28:36

Being anti porn doesn't automatically mean one is anti masturbationhmm

CharityFunDay Mon 09-Sep-13 01:55:35

LOL at the "he's cheating .... oops, no he isn't" volte-face above!

With the amount of anti-porn prejudice on this thread, I'm surprised that no-one has yet suggested he'll get hairy palms and go blind.

Seriously, what a load of tosh.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 22:25:28

Thank you for coming back, OP.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 08-Sep-13 17:36:58

"It's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet, but I think sex and physical intimacy and affection are vital in a relationship" hmm

Not a popular opinion? The overwhelming majority on here would say it's a vital aspect, I think it can be a mistake to think that because you don't feel very sexual, or think about sex , that you don't want/ won't enjoy it - for a huge amount of women, sexual desire comes after arousal, not before - if you aren't enjoying it, due to lack of natural lubrication or lack of sensation, then do something about it, lube and or/vibrators are your friend.
For older women (45 plus) you may have to rethink what constitutes good sex, orgasms can be harder to get, what worked in the past might not work now, it's a matter of trying new things.

Boosterseat Sun 08-Sep-13 17:24:54

And keep talking and sharing; secrets or with-holding feelings often destroys intimacy and feeling connected as a couple.

^ a million times over.

OP- is there any opportunity to get away for a weekend or evening? no pressure just a change of scenery and time to yourselves? Whilst i'm not suggesting getting shit faced and throwing caution to the wind, some time to just reconnect and relax in each others company might be just what you need.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 16:07:07

You don't have to discuss anything here you don't want to, but if you've got a positive relationship generally (notwithstanding the lack of sex and his secrecy/porn use/not going to bed with you at the same time) have you discussed how you might bring the intimacy back into your relationship?

If that's something you both want to do, a good compromise might be you visiting your GP for some help with your symptoms and him coming to bed with you at the same time and either experimenting with sex that's comfortable to both of you (doesn't have to involve penile penetration for example) or at the least, reinstating cuddles and affection in bed. And keep talking and sharing; secrets or with-holding feelings often destroys intimacy and feeling connected as a couple.

I don't think the age gap's got anything to do with it. The only biological differences between 42 and 49 is that at 49, more women are likely to be peri-menopausal or menopausal and more men are likely to experience erectile dysfunction at 49 rather than 42. But although all women will experience a menopause, the symptoms vary enormously and many men experience no erectile dysfunction at all.

AnyFucker Sun 08-Sep-13 15:54:59

Ok, fair enough. It's not interactive.

ianandsibel1971 Sun 08-Sep-13 15:50:39

No ive looked and its an Australian site just with videos of women masturbating no interaction and from what I can see quite tasteful

AnyFucker Sun 08-Sep-13 15:47:22

Love, these are interactive sites, yes ?

A bit more than simple ole "porn" then ?

I would consider that cheating, and so would lots of other women.

I am very sorry. This isn't about the age gap, this is about a man that is cheating on you.

Fairylea Sun 08-Sep-13 15:40:10

I don't think it's an age thing at all. Lots of people have active sex lives into their 70s and some go off it completely in their 20s. If you're experiencing a lack of desire it doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed because he's 7 years younger than you. (My dh is also 7 years younger than me).

ianandsibel1971 Sun 08-Sep-13 15:35:29

Ok I searched his history be because he was staying up late and being screative so I had a look and he has been visiting a site called I touch myself, it was women masturbating and also some erotic fiction sites.

I am upset because I feel I am not enough for him anymore. He has been very supportive of me and is a great dad but he is 7 years younger than me and I am scared that this maybe the start of problems because of our age difference.

I have spoken to him and he said he visited the sites because just masturbating on his own just wasn't satisfying as he need the visual and aural stimulus of a woman orgasming to cum, when we were sexually active he rarely came before me so I guess its true.

He has said he won't do it any more but I feel guilty of stopping him

valiumredhead Sun 08-Sep-13 11:51:46

I agree with with every word you have posted leaven.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 11:45:10

Yes, I can find no defence at all for using porn, whoever's doing it.

So I think it's acceptable for the OP to say 'I don't want sex at the moment because I'm starting the change, but I don't want him watching porn either'

But not fine to say 'I don't want sex at the moment because I'm starting the change, but I don't want him masturbating either'

FWIW I have huge sympathy for people whose partners have unilaterally withdrawn sex in any form from the relationship and who refuse to discuss it, get help or consider a partner's sexual needs.

In those circumstances, I'd be suggesting an OP reviewed his/her desire to stay in that relationship long term.

However I wouldn't be recommending a diversionary activity that was secret and unethical.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 11:17:44

To be fair Leavenheath we are all making a lot of suppositions on the ops behalf because her OP was scant and she hasn't been back to argue/debate/discuss. You will say that is because a few of the initial posts were not in her favour and scared her off. Although enough posters are on her side, so to speak, to give her the support she may require.

You are clearly anti-porn, so that has to colour your judgment and there is no way your view will oppose the OP's. It is black and white to you. Porn is a bad thing. Her dh should not be using it, under any circumstances. And thats's that. Would you say that's fair, in that is what you are saying?

I don't think it is a black and white issue. There is lots of grey areas in the middle.

And, for all we know her DH has tried other things, is being supportive etc. or he may not have been. We don't know.

We can't keep going over the same old ground with no more details from the OP.

If she has said to him that she really doesn't want him to watch porn, that she's prepared to try and get their sex life back on track, through counselling, menopausal medication, or other means, and he still does it, then I think that is a different issue to just saying I don't want sex, but I don't want him watching porn ether.

Bunbaker Sun 08-Sep-13 11:06:12

"Do you even have a clue how the menopause can affect women?"

I suspect the unsupportive posts come from women who haven't gone through it and have no idea what it feels like.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 10:57:38

If a person has to use porn to masturbate, then the urge to masturbate isn't actually that strong is it, let's face it, they don't need porn, they choose it.

If OP's dh was shipwrecked on a desert island all alone and felt the urge, he would be able to do it without the use of t'internet.

All through the ages, men have masturbated, in fields, on battlegrounds, in caves and forests. It really is not necessary. So that excuse cannot be put forward by any intelligent person.

But I think we can all agree it is a personal choice. And a woman has a choice as to whether she wants to be with a man who chooses to view porn. And vice versa. It's not controlling. It's making a choice for yourself.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 10:47:46

The OP did ask "Has he done anything wrong?"

Which is a matter of opinion.

And one that's possible to give without calling the OP names and focusing on what you think she is doing wrong. She asked for neither.

As for this:

I have always believed that in terms of sexuality and everything that goes with it is your business and no one else's, except obviously when you are having sex with someone else or if you are actively damaging someone else.

Supporting the porn industry is supporting damage to others. When it's viewed on the internet which is completely unregulated, you have no way of knowing whether the performers have been treated ethically, or whether they are one of the many who are sustaining severe internal injuries just to supply you with an orgasm. It's not like reading erotic fiction or creating a fantasy in your head, where no sentient human being capable of feeling pain, gets hurt. That's a Real Person on that screen and what you're watching has no Kitemark.

I would never, ever support an OP of either sex using porn. But your reverse post isn't analogous Bowlers Arm. Your fictitious poster fails to mention that her partner is experiencing a hormonal process that often affects libido and for some, induces pain during sex. Notwithstanding that glaring omission, my response would have been to suggest the OP talks to her partner about their sex life and relationship overall instead of resorting to a secret, unethical activity that if discovered, might make her partner feel much worse about himself. I'd support her right to masturbate however, but wouldn't automatically assume that this would be an impossible feat without porn.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 10:43:28

The trouble is that posters jump to conclusions based on a very short OP.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex

OP does not say whether she has sex with him, just that she is not interested. Is she still having sex against her real wishes, or to try and please him, or has there been no sex at all for weeks, months, years?

We don't know.

She feels betrayed. That says a lot about her self esteem and maybe about the way he treats her.

It's not as simple as no sex = right to view porn.

Perhaps, OP, you could come back and tell us a little bit more. If some posts are upsetting just take them as an individual opinion and not necessarily relevant to your situation.

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