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menopause my dh and porn

(65 Posts)
ianandsibel1971 Fri 06-Sep-13 22:32:44

Not sure how to start this.

I've discovered that my dh is watching online porn, I confronted him today about it having checked his history on his laptop.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex, he is 7 years younger and when I confronted him he said he felt ashamed but need an outlet for his needs.

I am angry but has he really done anything wrong

ianandsibel1971 Sun 08-Sep-13 15:50:39

No ive looked and its an Australian site just with videos of women masturbating no interaction and from what I can see quite tasteful

AnyFucker Sun 08-Sep-13 15:54:59

Ok, fair enough. It's not interactive.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 16:07:07

You don't have to discuss anything here you don't want to, but if you've got a positive relationship generally (notwithstanding the lack of sex and his secrecy/porn use/not going to bed with you at the same time) have you discussed how you might bring the intimacy back into your relationship?

If that's something you both want to do, a good compromise might be you visiting your GP for some help with your symptoms and him coming to bed with you at the same time and either experimenting with sex that's comfortable to both of you (doesn't have to involve penile penetration for example) or at the least, reinstating cuddles and affection in bed. And keep talking and sharing; secrets or with-holding feelings often destroys intimacy and feeling connected as a couple.

I don't think the age gap's got anything to do with it. The only biological differences between 42 and 49 is that at 49, more women are likely to be peri-menopausal or menopausal and more men are likely to experience erectile dysfunction at 49 rather than 42. But although all women will experience a menopause, the symptoms vary enormously and many men experience no erectile dysfunction at all.

Boosterseat Sun 08-Sep-13 17:24:54

And keep talking and sharing; secrets or with-holding feelings often destroys intimacy and feeling connected as a couple.

^ a million times over.

OP- is there any opportunity to get away for a weekend or evening? no pressure just a change of scenery and time to yourselves? Whilst i'm not suggesting getting shit faced and throwing caution to the wind, some time to just reconnect and relax in each others company might be just what you need.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 08-Sep-13 17:36:58

"It's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet, but I think sex and physical intimacy and affection are vital in a relationship" hmm

Not a popular opinion? The overwhelming majority on here would say it's a vital aspect, I think it can be a mistake to think that because you don't feel very sexual, or think about sex , that you don't want/ won't enjoy it - for a huge amount of women, sexual desire comes after arousal, not before - if you aren't enjoying it, due to lack of natural lubrication or lack of sensation, then do something about it, lube and or/vibrators are your friend.
For older women (45 plus) you may have to rethink what constitutes good sex, orgasms can be harder to get, what worked in the past might not work now, it's a matter of trying new things.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 22:25:28

Thank you for coming back, OP.

CharityFunDay Mon 09-Sep-13 01:55:35

LOL at the "he's cheating .... oops, no he isn't" volte-face above!

With the amount of anti-porn prejudice on this thread, I'm surprised that no-one has yet suggested he'll get hairy palms and go blind.

Seriously, what a load of tosh.

valiumredhead Mon 09-Sep-13 07:28:36

Being anti porn doesn't automatically mean one is anti masturbationhmm

Boosterseat Mon 09-Sep-13 07:58:03

Load of tosh?

Excellent argument that, really well thought through and insightful.

Some people have shite imaginations Valium - plus we all just know the porn industry is full of ethical treatment, respect towards your partner and achievable expectations hmm

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 08:23:33

CFD, so if you got something wrong you would not acknowledge it then ?

cronullansw Mon 09-Sep-13 09:45:55

Back2two -

''Such a good loving husband according to Cronullshaw (a man I presume) because he has been so kind and thoughtful as not to go and be unfaithful. Of course, he has the right to be unfaithful if his wife can't provide sex.''

WTF are you wittering on about? You are making the assumption about being unfaithful if wife can't provide sex, so leave my name out of it.

And wtf has my gender got to do with you? Yes I'm male - does that mean I can't comment here? Are you that discriminatory?

meditrina Mon 09-Sep-13 10:15:03

He's said he's willing to forgo using porn in ways that the OP has said she finds unacceptable. This is a good thing, and not something to feel guilty about. We all have our own views on what is acceptable, and you should not feel guilty for expressing yours and having them heeded.

But I do think that you need to think about physical intimacy in your marriage. It is important and it needs to be mutually rewarding. A considerate partner (which I assume OP's DH is, as he has responded to her request to desist) will understand when a bodily reason (such as major hormonal changes) means there is a fallow spell. But set against this there needs to be an end in sit. If the hormonal changes were, say, post-natal ones, then you'd probably just wait it out. With the menopause, which can last years, then a trip to the GP is indicated - loss of libido is common, but isn't inherent and if it is causing relationship difficulties it needs to be explored (much as one would seek treatment for erectile dysfunction - which, like menopausal loss of libido can be either physically or psychologically rooted).

If you are tackling the libido loss, and if there is still some affectionate contact, then the situation is hopeful.

RaRaZ Mon 09-Sep-13 11:05:58

I kinda see your point, OP, but at the same time, it doesn't sound as though your DH is being nasty or demeaning about it. Without wanting to sound nasty, it's you who doesn't want sex. You can't expect his sex drive to disappear as well. As some have said, wanking doesn't have to mean porn - but perhaps that's the only thing that works for DH apart from sex? I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with it, but I can also see the point of the poster/s who've said you can't expect to dictate how he pleasures himself when you don't want sex with him. If there's nothing you can/want to do to return your sex drive, I think you and DH should perhaps have a chat about all this so you can tell each other how you feel.

Back2Two Mon 09-Sep-13 13:07:45

He's watching porn, instead of going out and pulling hot MILF's, you should be over the moon, not angry.

This cronullansw. This is what I'm wittering on about.

cronullansw Tue 10-Sep-13 01:58:23

Back2Two - you haven't answered the rest of my questions have you?

If you can't, then please keep my name out of things in future.

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