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menopause my dh and porn

(65 Posts)
ianandsibel1971 Fri 06-Sep-13 22:32:44

Not sure how to start this.

I've discovered that my dh is watching online porn, I confronted him today about it having checked his history on his laptop.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex, he is 7 years younger and when I confronted him he said he felt ashamed but need an outlet for his needs.

I am angry but has he really done anything wrong

Boosterseat Sat 07-Sep-13 16:05:36

[Shock] At the "overreaction" posts here, FFS it's not AIBU.

His balls will not explode if he doesn't wank to porn

Op- part of feeling sexual for me is feeling confident and add the menopause and the porn discovery and I'm sure you're not feeling your best. Porn and shame go hand in hand (excuse the shit pun) for some men and he may be feeling awful too. Please talk to him about how it's made you feel, explain porn use may only dampen your desire further and you don't want to get into that cycle but want to reconnect sexually as a partnership.

Porn disgusts me, if you search my previous posts you can see it gets me very emotive but I love sex, I'm a very sexual person but part of that comes from my partners desire to please me, make me feel secure and loved daily which is in itself a massive turn on. For good sex, the turn on has to be mental combined with the physical, the build up of promising each other that you can make them feel good has got to be better than seeing some stange bloke cum on a strangers face?

God that was so Tmi blush

But I firmly believe the best sex can come from truly being in tune with each others feelings, talking about it when you're not feeling sexy and ask the other person to support you.

thinks I should shut up about it now

cronullansw Sat 07-Sep-13 23:55:38

Valium - my relationship is fine thanks, no extra mural influences at all, so please wind you neck in and stop making inaccurate comments.

Anyfucker, I do not have a sense of superiority, perhaps the OP does by dictatorially removing sex from the relationship and then declaring how he finds stimulus.

And why should this be about offering support rather than opinions?

nokidshere Sun 08-Sep-13 01:19:50

I am going through the menopause at 52 and DH is almost 60 and our sex life just gets better.

I say this only to reassure you that meno doesn't have to = no sex. I would see your doctor to see if he can help and talk to your DH about the porn

CharityFunDay Sun 08-Sep-13 01:53:36

I'm aghast because a woman has come on here to explore her feelings about her partner using porn and instead of inviting her to discuss that in a supportive environment, she mainly got responses that focused on her not wanting sex, that assumed she was against masturbation itself, that accused her of being a 'dog in a manger' and which told her that she was being unreasonable to expect any other behaviour.

Actually, the OP specifically asked (and I quote) "Has he done anything wrong?"

From my perspective, and that of a few others, the answer is 'no'.

And we've said so, and why.

And FWIW I stand by my 'dog in the manger' comment.

OP may not have a sex drive, but her OH does, and if he wants to wank to porn, then that's his business, as she has 'opted out' of sexual relations but somehow seems to feel she reserves the right to police his sexual imagination. That's just not fair.

GrumpyOldNag Sun 08-Sep-13 02:03:13

I'm surprised by the reactions on here, I have always believed that in terms of sexuality and everything that goes with it is your business and no one else's, except obviously when you are having sex with someone else or if you are actively damaging someone else. OP's DH is masturbating alone, so whatever floats his boat is fair game in my view. If he was forcing her to watch it when they were being intimate that would be an entirely different story!! But he is just taking care of business discretely and I would hate for him to feel ashamed or embarrassed because its perfectly natural and also his personal choice. Of course this is just my opinion, anyone can think whatever they like but I find it unreasonable to think all is porn disgusting and shameful and the sort of thing that only revolting men enjoy.

Jengnr Sun 08-Sep-13 08:06:11

She's not policing his imagination at all.

His imagination is in his head, not his hard drive.

I'm on the fence about porn, if people like it and want to use it that's their business but if their partners are upset by it then they shouldn't do it.

You DON'T need porn to wank. If he CHOOSES to do so knowing it'll upset his partner he's being very unreasonable (at best). He could knock one out in the shower to his heart's content without any need to bring other women into the equation.

And if someone comes on here, clearly upset and confused, looking for help there are no 'unwritten rules' saying it's preferable to be supportive rather than using it as platform to air opinions unkindly, it's decent human behaviour that would dictate that.

Back2Two Sun 08-Sep-13 08:20:24

Ugh. Some of the reactions on here are crass and un-imaginative.
Just like porn I suppose.

Did any of consider that the husband might try to support his wife and talk to her about how they can maintain intimacy and trust during an incredibly difficult hormonal and emotionally challenging time.

Do you even have a clue how the menopause can affect women?

When the unsupportive women on here go through the menopause they will all be joyful that their dp is downstairs staring at a screen. Such a good loving husband according to Cronullshaw (a man I presume) because he has been so kind and thoughtful as not to go and be unfaithful. Of course, he has the right to be unfaithful if his wife can't provide sex.

Ugh. Sorry OP, you've had some very bizarre responses on here by people who seem to think your dh has a right to have sex with you and if you can't fulfil this right you automatically give up any right to have your husband respect you as a human being. I pity them when they find themselves in a similar situation as they have very low expectations from their relationships.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 09:25:55

For those of you who seem to vehemently oppose anyone who doesn't totally sympathise with the OP, to ask what you would say if the situation was the other way around?

If the OP was something along the lines of 'DH has gone off sex and is just not interested anymore. It's really hurtful and upsetting for me, I'm not ready for my sex life to just stop. I still have a need to reach orgasm for one thing, and as he's not interested in me in that way anymore, I sometimes look at online porn on my laptop to help. It's a lonely feeling. DH has found out by checking my laptop history, and is furious with me.'

Can you honestly say that you wouldn't be thinking of saying to her:-

1) what the heck is he doing looking through your laptop history. It should be private. It's akin to reading your locked diary, or checking your phone for messages/calls.
2) he should be interested in maintaining a sex life with you, if he loves you, because it is clearly very important to you. Just because he's decided he wants his sex life to stop shouldn't mean that all intimacy should stop between you both. it's not surprising you're confused and exploring other avenues. He should be finding ways in helping you achieve orgasm and keeping your relationship close, even if he doesn't want penetrative sex himself.

With you hand on your heart, would you not be thinking something along those lines?

Brotherhoodofsteel Sun 08-Sep-13 09:32:32

When my wife had our children for a long time she did not want sex which was completely understandable and although I still wanted her and a sexual relationship with her I just grinned and bared it. I didn't sneak off to use porn (I don't use porn at all while in a relationship anyway) I was patient and caring and waited until she was ready.
I am shocked so many of you think it's ok that because this lady is going through something my mother often said was horrendous and temporarily no longer wants sex that her husband, partner or whatever thinks its ok to please himself with porn! How about that he supports her through this awful time and help her get back on track??? How about instead of thinking about himself he helps to get her sex drive back???
Porn has been known to dampen the desire to have intercourse because its a lazy way of getting off. So it's no bloody use if he's pleasing himself as he'll not really care whether she gets her mojo back or not.
That's why I restricted it to when I was single.
OP I suggest you seek some professional advice about your loss of libido and kick your husband up the arse! Good Luck.

valiumredhead Sun 08-Sep-13 09:58:34

Good post brother.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 10:02:38

I give up.

There are clearly two camps here, and no one will change their mind.

Fairylea Sun 08-Sep-13 10:12:21

Bowlersarm- I agree with you.

Snoot Sun 08-Sep-13 10:22:12

Have you seen this Ted Talk on Internet porn? It's not such an innocent, consequence-free passtime as some people believe.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 10:27:30

Thank you Fairylea

PottedPlant Sun 08-Sep-13 10:32:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 10:43:28

The trouble is that posters jump to conclusions based on a very short OP.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex

OP does not say whether she has sex with him, just that she is not interested. Is she still having sex against her real wishes, or to try and please him, or has there been no sex at all for weeks, months, years?

We don't know.

She feels betrayed. That says a lot about her self esteem and maybe about the way he treats her.

It's not as simple as no sex = right to view porn.

Perhaps, OP, you could come back and tell us a little bit more. If some posts are upsetting just take them as an individual opinion and not necessarily relevant to your situation.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 10:47:46

The OP did ask "Has he done anything wrong?"

Which is a matter of opinion.

And one that's possible to give without calling the OP names and focusing on what you think she is doing wrong. She asked for neither.

As for this:

I have always believed that in terms of sexuality and everything that goes with it is your business and no one else's, except obviously when you are having sex with someone else or if you are actively damaging someone else.

Supporting the porn industry is supporting damage to others. When it's viewed on the internet which is completely unregulated, you have no way of knowing whether the performers have been treated ethically, or whether they are one of the many who are sustaining severe internal injuries just to supply you with an orgasm. It's not like reading erotic fiction or creating a fantasy in your head, where no sentient human being capable of feeling pain, gets hurt. That's a Real Person on that screen and what you're watching has no Kitemark.

I would never, ever support an OP of either sex using porn. But your reverse post isn't analogous Bowlers Arm. Your fictitious poster fails to mention that her partner is experiencing a hormonal process that often affects libido and for some, induces pain during sex. Notwithstanding that glaring omission, my response would have been to suggest the OP talks to her partner about their sex life and relationship overall instead of resorting to a secret, unethical activity that if discovered, might make her partner feel much worse about himself. I'd support her right to masturbate however, but wouldn't automatically assume that this would be an impossible feat without porn.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 10:57:38

If a person has to use porn to masturbate, then the urge to masturbate isn't actually that strong is it, let's face it, they don't need porn, they choose it.

If OP's dh was shipwrecked on a desert island all alone and felt the urge, he would be able to do it without the use of t'internet.

All through the ages, men have masturbated, in fields, on battlegrounds, in caves and forests. It really is not necessary. So that excuse cannot be put forward by any intelligent person.

But I think we can all agree it is a personal choice. And a woman has a choice as to whether she wants to be with a man who chooses to view porn. And vice versa. It's not controlling. It's making a choice for yourself.

Bunbaker Sun 08-Sep-13 11:06:12

"Do you even have a clue how the menopause can affect women?"

I suspect the unsupportive posts come from women who haven't gone through it and have no idea what it feels like.

Bowlersarm Sun 08-Sep-13 11:17:44

To be fair Leavenheath we are all making a lot of suppositions on the ops behalf because her OP was scant and she hasn't been back to argue/debate/discuss. You will say that is because a few of the initial posts were not in her favour and scared her off. Although enough posters are on her side, so to speak, to give her the support she may require.

You are clearly anti-porn, so that has to colour your judgment and there is no way your view will oppose the OP's. It is black and white to you. Porn is a bad thing. Her dh should not be using it, under any circumstances. And thats's that. Would you say that's fair, in that is what you are saying?

I don't think it is a black and white issue. There is lots of grey areas in the middle.

And, for all we know her DH has tried other things, is being supportive etc. or he may not have been. We don't know.

We can't keep going over the same old ground with no more details from the OP.

If she has said to him that she really doesn't want him to watch porn, that she's prepared to try and get their sex life back on track, through counselling, menopausal medication, or other means, and he still does it, then I think that is a different issue to just saying I don't want sex, but I don't want him watching porn ether.

Leavenheath Sun 08-Sep-13 11:45:10

Yes, I can find no defence at all for using porn, whoever's doing it.

So I think it's acceptable for the OP to say 'I don't want sex at the moment because I'm starting the change, but I don't want him watching porn either'

But not fine to say 'I don't want sex at the moment because I'm starting the change, but I don't want him masturbating either'

FWIW I have huge sympathy for people whose partners have unilaterally withdrawn sex in any form from the relationship and who refuse to discuss it, get help or consider a partner's sexual needs.

In those circumstances, I'd be suggesting an OP reviewed his/her desire to stay in that relationship long term.

However I wouldn't be recommending a diversionary activity that was secret and unethical.

valiumredhead Sun 08-Sep-13 11:51:46

I agree with with every word you have posted leaven.

ianandsibel1971 Sun 08-Sep-13 15:35:29

Ok I searched his history be because he was staying up late and being screative so I had a look and he has been visiting a site called I touch myself, it was women masturbating and also some erotic fiction sites.

I am upset because I feel I am not enough for him anymore. He has been very supportive of me and is a great dad but he is 7 years younger than me and I am scared that this maybe the start of problems because of our age difference.

I have spoken to him and he said he visited the sites because just masturbating on his own just wasn't satisfying as he need the visual and aural stimulus of a woman orgasming to cum, when we were sexually active he rarely came before me so I guess its true.

He has said he won't do it any more but I feel guilty of stopping him

Fairylea Sun 08-Sep-13 15:40:10

I don't think it's an age thing at all. Lots of people have active sex lives into their 70s and some go off it completely in their 20s. If you're experiencing a lack of desire it doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed because he's 7 years younger than you. (My dh is also 7 years younger than me).

AnyFucker Sun 08-Sep-13 15:47:22

Love, these are interactive sites, yes ?

A bit more than simple ole "porn" then ?

I would consider that cheating, and so would lots of other women.

I am very sorry. This isn't about the age gap, this is about a man that is cheating on you.

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