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Am I financially abusive? :s

(70 Posts)
Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 19:45:10

Name changed.

Me and OH rent together, are not married but have children together. At the minute we are very happy.

However after reading lots of posts on here I'm terrified I'm not treating him right re money. He is currently on JSA while I receive the usual tax credits etc.

I hate him buying things for himself.
If he spends more than a few pounds i ask him to tell me exactly how much he has left and if he can afford the bills.
I have a few hundred sitting in my bank, he has nothing. When he was desperate for some money for cigs (I don't smoke) I took a long time to give him £3.
He 'owes' me £70 as I paid for the removal van to our new house. He is struggling to pay me back.
I take him to sign on some can never forget an appointment.
He could do with some type of transport but I don't really want to put money towards a bike/moped,
I made him cancel a standing order to a charity (he'd only signed up cos he was to embarrassed to say no)
In contrast, when he got quite a good job earlier in the year, he sent me money if I asked for it, sent flowers to my door, bought me a v expensive gift and treated us to meals out/takeaways as often as I wanted it.

On the flip side, he has been fucking terrible with money in the past.
Got involved with wonga etc and is now in a debt management plan.
Used to pay our rent late. Forgot to pay council tax for about 3 months.
Forgot to sign on a few times last year and as a result we got sanctioned.
There are more!

He's trying hard and is much better now but am I right to keep an eye on him (as it were ) or should I just leave him be?

I know I'm a bit of a control freak yes. But last year I saved us from losing our home.

An advice? I want to keep making this guy happy.

CailinDana Fri 06-Sep-13 20:00:27

What does he think?

Squitten Fri 06-Sep-13 20:02:16

So he was working earlier this year in a good job? What happened to it?

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:09:32

Cailin - he's even offered to give me his card before so he couldn't spend. I don't think he sees it. But then he's not been in a relationship before so he might just think this is all normal.

Squitten - made redundant (was only temporary but he worked away and earnt quite a lot, by our standards anyway. That money is all gone now - he doesn't do saving!)

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 20:10:14

'On the flip side, he has been fucking terrible with money in the past.
Got involved with wonga etc and is now in a debt management plan.
Used to pay our rent late. Forgot to pay council tax for about 3 months.
Forgot to sign on a few times last year and as a result we got sanctioned.
There are more!'

Who the fuck forgets to pay rent and council tax? My DH is severely dyslexic and dyspraxic and has never forgotten to pay council tax for months on end or forgot to pay rent. He has an alarm on his phone that reminds him.

Nagoo Fri 06-Sep-13 20:13:08

It depends what he thinks about it. It doesn't sound like either of you are swimming in cash. If you are skint, then you have to watch the money, and if you are better at it, then it makes sense for you to take charge.

I boss DH about a bit re: money, I tell him to switch his CC balance, and set up standing orders, I ban him from using the joint account to buy pasties or whatever it is he spends a million pounds on a tenner at a time. I don't want to be in debt so I make sure he isn't.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:14:08

Expat - well, quite. He is very forgetful. Even forgot the year our daughter was born once when he nipped her to the minor injuries unit!

Doesn't have a direct debit set up so has to ring up on the 1st and pay.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:16:08

Nagoo, I feel so much less 'abusive' now! You sound just like me. I usually say to OH:

'I might be tight with money, but if we were both like you we'd have nothing!'

And he agrees.

quietlysuggests Fri 06-Sep-13 20:16:59

I think you sound mean to him and on that basis, I think your relationship is not good. You sound like you don't like him, you certainly don't trust him and you don't treat him like an adult.

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 20:17:31

There is really no excuse, though, Love, especially nowadays a phone or tablet can remind you. Or if you know you will forget you DD.

But it sounds like he's utterly worthless with money, to the point of risking homelessness, and would blow everything you have, which isn't much

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 20:18:47

'You sound like you don't like him, you certainly don't trust him and you don't treat him like an adult'

But he cannot be trusted. To even pay rent. To the point where they nearly lost their home.

Sorry, OP, I don't know what to say because I wouldn't have gone very far with someone that ridiculous.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:19:43

Quietly - I agree in part. I hate myself for not treating him like an adult or trusting him. What do you advise?

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 20:20:20

' he sent me money if I asked for it, sent flowers to my door, bought me a v expensive gift and treated us to meals out/takeaways as often as I wanted it.'

Which you can't afford!

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:22:58

Expat - I told him this!

He knew the job was temporary, yet bought two iPads (one each!)!! I begged him not to.

He's now suggesting I sell his iPad. Hmm.

NatashaBee Fri 06-Sep-13 20:31:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable to keep an eye on things and ensure that he pays essential bills so that they don't get forgotten - I think that's justified given his history.

Other things, like not giving him money for cigarettes, demanding to know how much money he has left, and him 'owing' you the money for the removal van, are a bit more of a grey area. If you were rolling in money and insisting he paid his share on principle - probably unfair. If money is tight and you are having to watch the pennies, then it's justified. It sounds like it's the latter.

But do you really want to be mothering him and keeping an eye on the pennies forever? I couldn't live like that, but I couldn't relinquish control back to someone who'd made that much of a mess with money in the past. Do you involve him in financial planning at all - sit down and go through a spreadsheet with him to show him what has to be paid and when?

quietlysuggests Fri 06-Sep-13 20:38:46

I suggests you together work out your budget, and that he gets x amount per week to spend as sees fit, without having to explain himself to you. Even if it is 10 pounds a week, he should not have to beg for 3 quid.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:42:26

Thanks, could try that, quietly.

Portofino Fri 06-Sep-13 20:47:22

I would share the money incoming, pay the bills, maybe save a bit if you can afford it, then divvy up what is left so you both have the same. I cannot understand any other way unless you are mega rich and have to think about tax planning.

Portofino Fri 06-Sep-13 20:48:07

And that goes for any level of income/set up.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 06-Sep-13 20:48:21

If bills are (now) taken care of and youre asking him to justify every pound and giving him stress when he asks to borrow money then quite possibly you are yes. What about paying all bills out of a joint account then you each get the same amount of money to spend on yourselves - if he chooses to spend it on fags thats up to him but dont hassle him about it. i wouldnt be asking my partner to pay me back for a removal van either. are you a couple or arent you?

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:50:06

Portofino- that's where I think I have a big problem. I don't 'get' joint accounts; I think every little transaction would piss me off. Even he agrees with this!

I like having my own money. I am a very selfish person, and I don't know why. OH is much more generous.

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 20:51:50

You sound like his mum tbh. Passion killer if there ever was one hmm

He does sound lovely though, I can quite see why you want to make it work with him - he knows he has a problem and is completely open about admitting it. How about him doing a course to learn how to manage his finances? There's plenty around. I'd make it a condition of your continuing relationship - then you won't have to be a hitler because he'll start carrying his own weight financially: win/win.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:52:12

Jumping - I suppose its because I used the money I'd saved for my car tax etc on this removal van. As usual he said he would have the money then at the last minute didn't. And I will need to tax my car!

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 20:54:49

You both sound lovely, actually - both prepared to admit you've got a problem.

It may be that you're a tight-arse because he's so hopeless. Can you imagine having a joint account with someone who put moreorless the same into the pot?

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:55:05

Springy - tell me about it. I feel disgusting in myself (rarely get a break from clingy, breastfeeding baby!) but thankfully OH is still crazy about me. I don't know why.

I did recommend a budgeting course that was on at the local college but he's v shy re things like that. Maybe I'll bring it up again?

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