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Cheating DH, 'friend' and my strange domestic set-up.

(123 Posts)
merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 17:37:10

This may be long and will totally out me but wtf. DH lives abroad Monday to Friday and commutes back to the uk at weekends. He's a big-shot lawyer and keeps us (three dc's) in a very comfortable lifestyle.

The whole family had lived there until 6 years ago when dc's and I came back to the Uk as the schooling was poor and my eldest Dd was suffering (she has AS). The kids and I are happy here, lots of new friendships formed and life is good. But not for DH. He's lonely out there and I'm acutely aware that he's sacrificing so much for us; we often have the conversation about him giving it all up but it remains inconclusive.

To get to the point. Two months ago, I got a call from a friend I'd made out there. She had some temping work at Dh's company and fancied a chat.I suggested that she looked DH up and hung out with him as I knew he was lonely, she had been a close and valued friend who was having a horrible time with her H and why the hell not.

The two of them had two lunches followed by an evening out the following week and that, I thought, was that. She emigrated to the Middle East the following week with one of her kids (this had always been on the cards).

The week after their evening out our family went on holiday. A lovely time was had by all; I entertained the kids most of the time but that's our family dynamic, I'm the gregarious one while he does his own thing. At the end of the holiday DH seemed to have developed 'mentionitis' over our mutual friend, so much so that I asked him, almost as a joke, if he'd shagged her. Of course he fucking had. Two days before he came home to us and we all set off together. They had arranged to spend the Saturday together, both of them knowing what would happen, and it did. She phoned him the next day and said she'd fallen in love with him and he responded likewise. Throughout our holiday (which coincided with our twentieth anniversary) they phoned each other, texted and e-mailed. They missed each other you see.

He confessed all this three weeks ago and he's so, so sorry. Can never forgive himself etc. He phoned her straight away and finished it and there has been no further contact (he says). He wants us to begin again and all the rest of it. At the moment I am still in shock. DH is a very successful and clever man and is, clearly, an attractive one. ( 'friend' is extremely attractive). He has always had chronically low self esteem and presents as an honourable and rather quiet chap who is utterly loyal and seems to dote on me and the kids.

But that's all bollocks isn't it? Devoted husbands don't do that. He had a very real cause for complaint in that our sex life has been rubbish for years (I'm on anti-depressants which have killed my libido) but I rather thought that a serious conversation would have been a better solution than shagging one of my mates because "she made me feel good about myself". And don't even get me started on that fucking skank.

So, any thoughts?

lotsgoingon Fri 06-Sep-13 17:41:27

given the scenario you've described, I'd have thought that what happened was pretty much inevitable, sorry.

hmsvictoria Fri 06-Sep-13 17:41:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's a nightmare sad

What happened between him "falling in love" with her and him confessing all to you and saying he was sorry?

Do you believe what he's told you and is telling you now about no contact etc?

And do you think you want to stay with him?

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 17:50:32

I think flying home and back every week for 6 years is pretty devoted actually.

InternationalPower Fri 06-Sep-13 17:58:29

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I agree with lots. With with their circumstances as you describe, I do think it was more or less inevitable.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:00:35

Inevitable? You may be right, maybe I'm the selfish one. And yes, he has been the best provider imaginable.

He confessed it all without any real prompting from me, I would never have suspected a thing.

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:01:02

Inevitable? Why? It is actually perfectly possible for men and women to spend time together and keep their pants on.

HairyGrotter Fri 06-Sep-13 18:02:57

I don't get the whole 'inevitable' thing, what a sad view of people some folk have. He cheated, end of

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:04:15

If he's been there for six years, presumably his loneliness is his own problem. He's had plenty of time to sort out a social life for himself. I think you're being unfairly bashed.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:05:34

How horrible for you. But as others have said, your relationship was already precarious.

Could he look for another job back in the UK as your current relationship clearly isn't sustainable.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:06:48

I suppose you could argue that it was inevitable that I too would cheat (I have had offers). What prevented me was the sheer ingratitude implicit in that, also that I thought my wedding vows actually meant something.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:07:22

I don't think he can be excused for cheating. But, if there's very little sex - well I do think it puts a relationship in a dangerous place.

But he should have spoken to you before it got to this stage.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:08:25

Merlin - I do think the whole mon-fri apart thing puts an enormous strain on relationships.

For both of you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 06-Sep-13 18:08:34

Where do you want to go from here, OP?

Do you want to try and work through this? Or do you think that this is the end?

There is a lot to work through, so take it one step at a time. One decision at a time.

It's a good thing that he told you, if you'd never have suspected. At least he was honest. That doesn't excuse what he did, of course, and you'd be completely reasonable to kick him out and refuse to speak to him again.

What is your heart saying? And your head?

WoundUpWanda Fri 06-Sep-13 18:10:54

I'm sure there will be more posts to come so I'll reserve judgment until then- but I think you are perfectly in your rights and he should WANT to stop this set up, to ask he find a job locally and move home.

Irregardless of whether you want to work on your marriage, it stands no chance of doing so whilst he's only there Saturday or Sunday.

PenelopePitstops Fri 06-Sep-13 18:11:24

Cheating is cheating end of. Lack of sex isn't an excuse.

On the other hand he had sex once.

Perhaps he needs to move back to the UK?

Don't make any major decisions yet.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:14:53

My heart and head are all over the shop. Did I deserve all this? Maybe I did. I should also add that he is a very cool and controlled individual; the sex may have been rubbish but I have had to do without affection, or even approval, for a very long time. I have also brought up the kids single-handedly.

defineme Fri 06-Sep-13 18:15:49

Nothing is inevitable. There were many many other solutions to loneliness/no sex than adultery with a close friend... Personally I would have thought having a wank and joining some clubs would have been a more appropriate solution in the short term and long term looking for another job at home so he could work on relationship he's committed to and his children.

I's up to you op.If I could forgive, everything would have to start again from scratch and that would include work/living arrangements.
You'd be perfectly within your rights to file for divrfce.

WoundUpWanda Fri 06-Sep-13 18:16:40

The more I look at it, he needs to come home and I'm concerned as to why he hasn't started making plans to in the wake of all this.

If you don't want this and are fine as you are- then I would say it's time to call it a day. I don't see what you'd be getting out of this relationship, especially a Friday to Sunday one with a cheating bastard. Apart from funds and your lifestyle maintained? But you could apply for spousal support, hefty maintenance and get sole custody of kids.

alterego2 Fri 06-Sep-13 18:16:54

The fact that some people see it as inevitable doesn't make it any less painful. I am sorry for what you must be suffering merlincat

My husband sounds very much like yours - quiet, apparently honourable, a family man. Two years ago, he had an affair - with his secretary. What a cliche.

These things are not inevitable - they are the result of choices that have been made. Decisions that have been taken.

Right now, you need to try and make sense of what you have learned. And then you need to try and work out if you want him to go, or if you want to try and make a go of things. Neither route is easy but it is your choice. If he is away every week anyway then at least his absence will give you the headspace to try and work out what you want to happen next.

FWIW we are trying to work things out. It is not easy but it was the choice we made.

Badvoc Fri 06-Sep-13 18:22:10

What, exactly, are you getting from this relationship other than a comfortable lifestyle op?

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:25:10

Has your DH said he's now looking to change job/location after his big revelation? The current situation clearly isn't working for either of you so I'd be expecting him to do that at the very least.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 06-Sep-13 18:25:51

Why would somebody be in love with somebody one day then call the next and finish the affair/ not be in love.
OP, your dh could have said no, even though many would say it was inevitable.
Him being away and very little time for you and the dc will have taken its toll over the 6 years you have been back here again.
This is no excuse for what he has done.
If you want him back and to try again I would suggest insisting he works in this country and becomes a family man. There is no reason why you should be the sole carer for your dc. I know sometimes one parent does more than the other but he should want a good relationship and to care for his dc. Considering he has a very good job, he should find work here easily.

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow Fri 06-Sep-13 18:27:06

Inevitable? Really? As a pp said, he made a choice - could have chosen not to.

So sorry, OP. Positives? At least he came clean....

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:29:15

It's made me realise that I love him, much more than I realised. If we stay together it will require a complete reworking of our relationship. In a nutshell, he wants intimacy and I want warmth. It's almost too late for his relationship with the kids, they're intimidated by him, most people are.

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