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Porn Addiction

(37 Posts)
SuperMummy13 Fri 06-Sep-13 16:34:36

Hi everybody,
Just been wondering with myself, how annoying and sad I feel about my partner's porn addiction...Not that I don't like, prob I was even more likely to it than him, in a far away past..but since the beginning of our relationship I tried to show him I like it, and better than never, would be amazing to enjoy it with him, and have pleasure moments as a couple...but he never showed any interest on sharing movies etc with me....far from this, I discovered a lot of movies and websites in his phone, and computer...the last time I told him off and to get worst he told me he always watched porn, he will always do and he doesn't needs my permission to do it, and will not say sorry because he also doesn't think he needs to.

The fact is that it really hurts me so much..I'm not the perfect woman compared the ones he used to see, and wanker I think..but I consider myself very sexy and attractive..and all his words just makes me feel so bad, unloved and unattractive....by other means..I fell down and upset...nearly depressed.

Does anyone else has the same problem ? how do you deal with the situation...
I consider breaking up in a near future, because I think to myself I DON'T DESERVE IT....but in the same time, I'm sure every men like it.

Help...please

EnoughOfThis Sat 07-Sep-13 12:28:43

Hello my name's EnoughOfThis and my ex is a porn looser too! :-)

There were also other issues involving binge drinking and general emotional abuse. An amazing police lady once put it into perspective for me...if his actions/behaviour show a lack of concern for your emotional wellbeing then that constituted emotional abuse. It's very simple.

Even if you have changed your mind (I didn't BTW, he knew I didn't agree with it, so kept it hidden for 8 years, charming, I then had to live with it for a further 4).

I wouldn't stone him just yet for using porn. Men are tempted. It happens. However if he is not listening to you and taking on board your opinion and feelings.

WafflyVersatile Sat 07-Sep-13 11:40:46

Would it be worth dropping the discussion about porn and talking about increasing your sex life then?

SuperMummy13 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:28:59

No waffly...we have sex about once a month...��I wouldn't bother if we were having a good sex life..is good when we have it, but I would like more. Xx thanks

WafflyVersatile Sat 07-Sep-13 00:13:38

But he doesn't want to watch porn with you. That is his prerogative.

Is he not having sex with you then? If you were having as much sex as you wanted would you be so bothered about him having a wank to some porn?

KittyVonCatsworth Sat 07-Sep-13 00:00:26

I like watching porn, to get off when DP is away, but when he's suggested we watch it together to 'get me there' I've refused, total turn off because when he's there, I don't need or want that in my head, I want it to be for there and then, in the moment, with him. He knows this, and accepts this. He also watches it when he's away and we sometimes talk about it as a prelude to sex. Maybe watch alone and do the same?

Fairenuff Fri 06-Sep-13 23:45:54

Ok, so he is using porn instead of being with you?

Well, you have told him that you don't like it. He has said he's going to continue to do it anyway. So you have two choices. Put up with it, or leave him.

Which do you want to do?

SuperMummy13 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:41:43

I think that once he is doing it alone is because he is looking for pleasure somewhere else to sort himself out. It causes me sadness because I'm here all available to have a naughty men coming after me, suggesting us to have a hot night together watch some porn and het horny together. He is being selfish, and I don't watch porn alone because I like real thing !!

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 23:37:39

having sex with your partner and wanking to porn are two different things. You can combine them but they are still two different things.

Seems this is something your partner sees as a solitary pursuit but you think it is something you should share and feel a bit rejected that he chooses to do these sexual acts without you and insecure because you maybe feel you can't match the women in the films?

A wank is a very different thing from sex with a partner. Perhaps for him it is just a way of relaxing, letting off the tensions of the day. If he chose to do that by reading a book would you expect him to read it to you? Would you feel rejected? Maybe you would if he was reading it at the expense of spending any quality time with you. Maybe this is the issue here.

Without knowing everything about both of you and your relationship I'd say that this is not necessarily a rejection of you or a rejection of sex with you, and not a criticism of your body either. However I entirely understand that it could feel that way. And it maybe that it is. I don't know.

Fairenuff Fri 06-Sep-13 23:24:45

If you don't object to porn, why do you object to him watching it? How does it make you feel?

SuperMummy13 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:20:42

Lottiandmiafl got my point of view.
I'm not completely banning him about porn, I just would like to be part of it, once I think it can really spice our relation. I. Also not an addict to it, I just said I liked it when with my partner in the past (who h was not him), and he knows I'm ok with it since ever. He is just being selfish, using it away from me, while I have all the interest on playing naughty with him. I just want to know how would u feel and what would u do if u were in my shoes...cause it just let me so Dow.

Fairenuff Fri 06-Sep-13 23:04:31

You are giving us mixed messages OP. You seem to say that you object to him watching it on his own but would prefer to share it, as a couple, as part of your intimate relationship?

Or do you just not want either of you to watch it at all?

I'm still confused on that one.

FourGates Fri 06-Sep-13 22:48:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boosterseat Fri 06-Sep-13 22:35:41

I changed my mind FWIW. I was young,naive and wanted to appear cool.

Then I grew up.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 21:31:45

I would have a problem with that too

But what I am saying is, have a problem with porn in the first place

Which is what I am always banging on about. I bore myself sometimes smile

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 21:28:57

I know AF. It's a huge problem for a lot of people. I don't agree with porn either but I read that the OP does not have a general problem with it but does have a problem with her dp replacing her with it.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 21:24:19

I am utterly sick of arguing about porn on t'internet, lottie, no offence, dude

Op hasn't been on her thread for a little while, perhaps the next move is hers

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 21:20:19

I don't read anywhere in the OP's posts that she is now too busy to use porn. What I read is that she wants to be involved but he goes off and uses it by himself and excludes her from any kind of sex life.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 21:14:04

porn is nothing like drinking a glass of wine

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 21:11:18

It's like drinking. You may like a glass of wine. That doesn't mean you would like it if your partner developed a wine addiction or the impact that would have on you. There are people who generally disagree with alcohol consumption but that is not really relevant in every case.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 21:09:23

I think it is hypocritical to denounce him for getting his orgasm from porn because she is now too busy to do the same.

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 21:06:29

Well, I have an ethical objection to porn as well.

The way I read the OP though, was that she does not have an ethical objection to porn but has a problem with the fact her dp is using it all the time to the extent that it is driving a wedge between them. So I don't think she's a hypocrite.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 21:03:06

you don't have to agree with me, lottie

but I do see porn as an ethical issue, and a moral one

so if you "watch porn with your partner" and are happy with that, how can you then (in all conscience) develop a moral objection to it at a later date (unless you have a Damascene moment, but OP doesn't mention that)

all you have left is the quantity of porn consumption, which of course is a valid reason to be pissed off, but that is a weak objection when you have colluded prior to this and ignored any ethical objections for your own orgasm (presumably)

unless of course, you were going along with it for his orgasm, which brings me back to my point which is have the courage of your convictions in the first place

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 20:54:42

AnyFucker - I don't really agree with what you're saying. You can drink in moderation without being an alcoholic. The same applies with porn - some people are happy to look at it now and again. But if someone needs to watch it all the time and replaces time with their partner with porn watching then it impacts on the people around them in much the same way as any addiction. This is an entirely separate issue from how ethical porn is generally.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 20:52:21

< phew >

lottieandmia Fri 06-Sep-13 20:48:49

Not every man has a porn addiction, that's for sure. I've had relationships with men who weren't into it and men who were. The men who were into it had had it as a part of their life from a young age and was therefore (to them) a normal part of their life. I've watched it myself in the past but you know, I've come to the conclusion it's pretty damaging generally. For men who watch it compulsively they can end up not being able to have sex with a real person because they need exposure to extreme images to get off and they become desensitised. There is no easy answer to any of it and I'd be worried if I had a son, that's all I can say as porn was never more accessible than it is today.

I am sorry you are in this position OP. The main issue here is that your DP has shown he doesn't care about how you feel and that is a problem. I imagine he has watched porn from a young age, and perhaps grew up realising that his dad watched it.

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