Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Karma has come around and bitten me(106 Posts)
Im posting on here because I am at my lowest of low and I cant turn to anyone in RL. I think I am hoping that someone might care enough to be kind to me today, but I am prepared for a flaming, I know how it works.
I have been having an affair with a married man for 18 months. I thought he loved me, I thought he would leave his wife eventually for me. He told me he loved me every day.
Then I found out he has been seeing someone else as well. I told him I knew and now he has ended things with me.
So now I have nobody at all. He has a wife and a mistress and I have nobody. I took some tablets this morning because I cant see any way out of this despair, but then I got scared and made myself sick. I cant function, I cant eat and I cant sleep, I just want this feeling to go away.
I love him. I gave him everything and he wasnt who I thought he was. I am a horrible person and now I have nobody at all
Really glad to hear that you are feeling better 2day. Onwards and upwards. Good luck x
Please don't fall into the trap of needing a man or a relationship to make you feel positive. You should feel positive without this "date" to go on because you have got yourself out of a relationship with someone else's husband.
At the moment I just want something to look forward to
Try to focus on things to look forward to in the short term, medium term and long term. There will be many as your life moves on from this and you reconnect with friends and start to have good times again. In the short term try to make small things to look forward to like a nice meal a fav TV show anything really.
I dont really enjoy TV, I never have! and I cant eat, so looking forward to a meal is like looking forward to retching on cardboard at the moment :-(
I am struggling to find anything much to look forward to, but I am hoping that things will start to return.
Pull yourself together. You have three children. You have responsibilies. If you feel like shit, get help but stop wallowing in self-pity.
I have been in your situation too and I am married with 3 kids at home, and he was married with 2 grown up kids. We didn't sleep together and only went out a handful of times but I was infatuated and mistook it for love cos my husband and I had grown apart. It was the most stupid thing I ever did. My husband and I spent 3 months reconciling and then he told me he had met someone else and is now leaving me and three kids for her.....my youngest is 3....I feel your pain and I know how low you feel. I have been rock bottom and feel it is all my fault as I drove my husband into the arms of this other woman. The man I was seeing is reconciling his marriage but I feel terrible for the pain his wife must be going through - if it is anywhere near what I feel now my husband is doing it then I know I would never do this to anyone again. I understand you feel used, I too feel used, even though folk will judge and cast blame emotion is a powerful thing. I am sure when you entered into this you never thought about the wider picture but that doesn't make you a bad person just misguided and he lied to you just like all married men. The man I was seeing told me his marriage was dead they didn't sleep together and that he loved and wanted to be with me but it was all lies. Don't put yourself down and try to get some free counselling maybe through your workplace - lots of employers will do this for their employees through a private individual. I have started counselling and I know it will make me feel stronger and make me face what I did and to come to terms with what my husband has now done to his family (he put the blame 100% on to me and that it a hard thing to bear knowing the kids dad won't be around for them because of what I did. You are not a bad person please believe it. The fact that you feel such remorse says a lot about you. Chin up xx
Now you know how it feels.
Sorry, I had to put that.
However, back to you.
You don't sound like a bad person, a shocked person, brokenhearted, devastated.
No man is worth this. He is a worthless cheat, you are worth so much more, albeit more educated and experienced in the world of cheats. I have no doubt he read you all the lines of a cheating bastard, so many trusting people get roped into this. (sorry for language),
Not everyone cheats. Please think of your family, your loved ones, your colleagues. He is so not worth it. Forgive yourself, he lied to you. It was him not you.
Put your experience to use. Tell people, talk about it, if just on here, You will get amazing support.
and tell the other woman if she doesn't already know.
Pea your dp sounds like a prick, so you had marriage problems, which gave him carte blanche to shag someone else? No, I don't buy that and neither should you. You didn't wreck the family, he has.
my husband is a prick and has wrecked thw family we had. He is out with his woman now after saying he would come straight home after work finished at 10pm (it is now 11.11pm). he thinks cos he is moving out on a few weeks and has askede for a divorce he is not doing anything wrong seeing the ow. It is gut wrenching. ....it will be better when he has moved out although I am dreading it at the same time.
A bit of an update.
God im an idiot :-(
drunk a whole bottle of JD on Tuesday night and ended up contacting his OW through FB. I typed out a message to his wife too, but didnt send it. All the time I was texting him to tell him what I was doing, getting drunker and drunker, I scared the hell out of him, he thought I was going to drink myself to death.
So yesterday it all came to a head. His OW knows now, so shes mad with me for telling her. I have no idea what lies he has told her, but it sounds like they are all hunky dory.
He has begged me not to tell his wife, he is being all lovely to me because he thinks I might. I want to, to hurt him, but I dont want to hurt her, she is innocent in all of this.
Today I went to the docs, got a script for AD's and Anxiety tablets. Just hope they start to work soon, because at the moment I dont even have the strength to empty the dishwasher.
MUSIC - if I could pull myself together I would. This goes deeper than this man, I am starting to realise that my self esteem has been in the gutter for years, I have been in a deep depression that I medicated by seeing this man :-(
Have you been to see the GP?
You need to let go of all of this.
Just walk away from the mess this man gets you in.
And how is he being nice to you?
Do you work together? Or have to see each other?
He also does other books and CDs that you should take a look at.
That is karma, at its greatest.
Sorry but what did you expect. You knew he was married. You are both to blame. If your strong enough to go after a married man your strong enough to pick yourself up after this fall.
You do need to seek professional advise if your feeling this low though, for the sake of your children if you won't do it for yourself.
Pick yourself up, gain some self respect and move on, he's history now, next time you engage with a man make sure he's not married. And let's hope this is the only karma you'll get and your future dh/dp doesn't do this to you, count yourself lucky your not this mans wife.
I have ordered the book.
I dont have to see him. I want to walk away with my head held high but I keep getting angry and I want to tell his wife to hit him where it really hurts
Telling his wife won't make you feel better.
However hard it is cut all ties. No numbers, Facebook etc that is the first step.
Do not drink anything. Decide not to drink any alcohol for a month, it only weakens your resolve.
You are not a horrible person you've just made a bad decision. But you need to start filling your life with things that take up thinking space.
One of my (completely non religious) friends joined a church after his wife had an affair, he found a lot of support, another fried had never run but trained for a marathon (with an I pod full of angry music!)
I hope it all works out for you.
Telling his wife will destroy his relationship with this new woman though, that will make me feel better
You're at serious risk of becoming unhinged. Grab ahold of yourself and think of your kids.
Stop being so silly.
I understand you want to hurt him. You probably want to tell his wife so he'll come back crawling to you. Well he won't. And you shouldn't do anything but grow up and live you life.
There are millions of men in the world ffs. Pick one that isn't married.
I'd tell his wife. She has the right to know what a twat she is married to, and she should be able to make her own decision about if she wants to stay or go.
You started an affair with a married man and it's come back to haunt you.
Get a grip for your children's sake!
"I scared the hell out of him, he thought I was going to drink myself to death"
Bollox did he, he thought you were going to tell his wife more like. Forgive me for saying you seem quite gullible where this guy is concerned.
Imo you should know, for you, it makes no difference if you tell his wife or not, it will not help you in any way. Not that I think its a bad thing to do, just it makes no difference to you, it will not help you get closure.
TBh, and this is hard to say and read, if you had drunk yourself to death he would have felt relief that he got away with yet another affair.
You are an adult. You have children. Come on, you can get through this. Heartache is shit but you are making a choice to give this man too much of your life which should be spent on your children.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.